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Who Do I Run To?

Ever since I was little, I had these “dreams” where I would encounter a spirit. It always made me fearful even when the spirit just stood there. I would always use the name of Jesus as a form of protection. Whenever I would say “Jesus!” the spirit would go away.

Last night, the same thing happened. I was in my bed and saw a spirit standing in front of me. It was a young man dressed in modern clothes. He looked at me and said, “I’m going to get you!” Then he jumped on top of me and seemed to try to join with me, not sexually, just spiritually. Like, he wanted to get inside of me.

“I know what I’ll do,” I thought to myself. Although I couldn’t move or speak, my heart screamed, “JESUS!”

Nothing happened. He continued to wrestle with me. I was frozen so I tried again.

Nothing.

I began to panic, trying to use the only source of protection I’ve ever known.

It didn’t work.

I used all of my inner strength to FORCE myself out of my paralysis. When I did, I looked around for my Mama but realized that I was all alone.

I turned on the light and the TV and the computer to distract myself, but all I felt was this wild realization that I don’t have a protector anymore.

It was my belief in Jesus as my saviour that used to protect me. Now that I don’t believe I need to be saved, I don’t have that anymore. My belief protected me, but my beliefs have changed.

Now…Who do I run to?

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Ready For Whatever

I don’t have anything emotional to blog about tonight. My period came on which explains why I’ve been crying everyday for the past week. I’m coughing too, had to leave class early, spitting that nasty stuff out every other minute. yuck.

Tamara and I had a long talk tonite. Geesh..That chick is THE most patient person I know. And I realize that I am overly emotional about her situation only because I don’t have a love life of my own. LOL!

I’m expanding my brand to include youtube videos and this weekend I posted four videos. You can check them out by visiting my youtube channel or look at my online portfolio blog. I post every article or story or video that I write on there. And don’t forget my E-zine blog. I’m still posting helpful articles on there too. I get loads of emails from people with questions asking for help and stuff. I really enjoy helping if I can.

Otherwise I’m just hanging in there, trying my best to be the best I can be. Releasing my emotions on this blog and…just being me.

I’m gearing up to let go of my radio talk show and my internet talk show by the end of April. Looking to write my first fiction novel and work on a career in television and radio. I think I have enough clips to show what I can do in both mediums.

I don’t know what’s going to happen but I have a good idea…regardless…

I’m really…Ready For Whatever.

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That Would Be Nice

I downloaded the new browser called Google Chrome and it’s fast! I was becoming annoyed with IE. See.. there’s.always a solution waiting to remedy any problem.

I had such a beautiful day today. I’m so unorganized. Seriously. Besides being an absolute mess…I also misplace things a lot. I am forgetful too with little things like by the time the new IE browser would load, I would have already forgotten what website I was going to. LOL!
I’m feeling so relaxed right now and so at peace with life. Today my sister called me and we were chatting away and she said, “I wish you and your BBDD would have the type of relationship where he would look out for you cuz he knows you’re not straight. Like, he would give the boys some money and say, ‘Here, give this to your Mama so ya’ll can go out to eat.’ And ya’ll could hang out with the boys together and he would honor you and show them how to treat women.”
I sighed. I never imagined that. But the crazy thing is…at least he’s not CRAZY! I hear so many horror stories of men and women who have to HIDe from their exes because they are being stalked and harrassed. Yeah…I guess his nasty emails were a form of harrassment but at least I’m not in danger. He tries to attack my spirit with insults but they don’t affect me anymore. I really don’t care what he thinks.
I’m so glad I have Tamara to play the “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” game with. She called me today and started it out saying, “Wouldn’t it be nice if XYZ University called me and offered me the job?”
And I replied with, “Wouldn’t it be nice if they called and you started the new job right after your 30th birthday?”
Playing that game puts you in such a good mood! And we always imagine things that we REALLY want to happen…but sometimes don’t believe could happen. Like I said, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I met Kanye and he turned out to be a great person and he adored me and I adored him and we really connected like I thought we would?”
So many people prepare for the worst to happen, but I don’t. Anymore.
I decided to stop fighting what is…and start allowing more.
I’m gonna let go of a few things and just see where the wind takes me.
Living like this is rough on my friends, my sister is constantly telling me to stop and plan and wait until I see the full manifestation before I make a move but if I waited until things showed up before I believed in them, I have no idea where I’d be.
See I believe in making room for progress and not just waiting for it to come. I have told my roommates I am leaving by the end of April and I believe I have made room for a miracle to come into my life so that I can have a better place for me and my sons.
Wouldn’t it be nice if I got a hug tonight? ~smile~ I know it’s not gonna happen since I have no one to love me in my life right now..but just imagining it kinda fills that void a little. I like that.
Wouldn’t it be nice if I came across a great website that had oodles of inspirational information that encouraged me to keep going?
Wouldn’t it be nice if….
You go ahead and fill in the blanks. I’m gonna give google one more go…just to see if one of my fantasies will come true tonight.
Blessings…
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Heaven Letters

God said:Enough playing it safe. You do not have to have thought of everything. Because you have not thought of it before doesn’t mean it isn’t true for you. If you hear a message telling you to move, move. If you hear a message telling you to stand on your head, stand on your head.You have been good about pushing away messages that come to you.Come to believe that you do not know everything. Of course, listen to your own heart, but know when you are listening to your own fear and reluctance and habit of mind over your own heart. You may be stuck in past thinking. You may be stuck. You may be caught in a pen of your own making where you can’t get out, yet you are the one who put yourself there. You can toss the fence of the pen away, or you can just climb out. It is only your mind that has told you that you must stay there.Your byword today is to dare. Dare to do what you hear to do. Dare to break out. Dare to do something differently. Dare to be different. Dare to be heard. Dare to speak. Dare to dare!There is a new world a-coming, and you are going to be part of it. You cannot change only what you particularly are comfortable to change. The world cannot change when you stay the same. But the world is changing, and you have to change with it. Change is now.Do not be afraid to venture forth. If you must be afraid, be afraid not to venture forth.Pack your knapsack and go out like the three little pigs who seek their fortune.In your case, you are seeking to give fortune. You are fortunate to have this capability, and now you must use it.You are going to turn the world upside down. Has not the world often been wrong side up? You are like a chiropractor making an adjustment. You are working with the bones of the universe, and you are restructuring the universe. You are smoothing out the planes of existence.You have to get up and do it. You may have to change places. There is certainly something you will have to change. Don’t be shy about it. Don’t be cowardly. If you must have fear, have fear of not arising to the occasion. When you hear your name called, stand up. Even if you weren’t sure it was your name called, stand up just the same. Hear anew. It is all right to stand up even when you are not sure. I will tell you something. You cannot be mistaken. If you heard someone else’s name as your own, you heard it right.The time for magnificent change is here, and you are no longer a passerby. There is a dance going on, and you can’t sit out the dance. You have to join in. Get up from what you are doing right now. Leave the dishes in the sink. Just get up right now and go to the door of your heart and listen for the messages I am sending you now. Hark to the messages I give. Beloveds, you are ready for them. Now begin to know that you are ready. Whatever you are called forth to do, get up now and do it.No need to pack your bags. You’re taking Me with you, and that’s it. We are taking a walk together. You will like it. How can you not like taking a walk with Me? How can you possibly refuse Me?Source www.heavenletters.org

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Great Day

I had an absolutely beautiful day even though it was gloomy outside. I woke up to phone calls from my girls and laughed and laughed.

Tamara gave the first update as I blinked my eyes to wake up completely. She told me about how her ex ( not her Baby Daddy) the fine one, is being more aggressive at getting her attention. From what she described, I couldn’t tell if she was happy about it or not, but I reminded her that it’s important to be with someone who knows what he wants. I think she’s confused…or at least she is just…unhappy with the way things have turned out. Her ex, the fine one, is a long distance love and she’s not happy with that arrangement at all so she broke it off with him.
Kim called next. She told me a story about spending time with her husband and stepdaughter. “People ask me if that’s my daughter and I say ‘no’,” she said. “Is that wrong?”
“Well, you’re not her mother but, at the same time, I remember being little and my aunt taking me and my brother and sister out to the store where people would ask her if we were her nieces and nephews and she would point to my brother and sister and say, “These two are, but she isn’t.” I know it was the truth, her brother was not my father, but I think it bothered me a little. All you have to do is say she’s my stepdaughter and I love her to pieces or something like that.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she said. “I ain’t even trying to be like your BBDD girlfriend- trying to take the Mama place and act like she ain’t even in the picture.”
“Well, it’s not your job to worry about her, just be respectful of the child. And remember..it could have been YOU who was the single parent, treat his daughter like you would want him to treat your child if the situation was reversed.”
Then I speak to my little sister and she and I laugh easily about her boyfriend’s latest antics. By the time I’m done talking to her it’s nearly noon and I lounge around like a rich lady, planning my next articles and working on my first go round at writing a fiction novel. Blogging has gotten me comfortable with telling stories, but these stories are all based on the truth and I have no idea if I can tell a completely made up story with enough detail and flair to satisfy my own standards. I don’t play when it comes to my writing.
I’m supposed to be blogging this novel bit by bit on another website but the details haven’t been ironed out yet. I sent the first 3 installments in to the site editor and I hope that she likes them. If so, i’ll give you the link so you can follow along.
I then called my guyfriend…ahhh..you guys never got to meet him because we had our little affair back when my laptop was down. He’s…interesting. LOL!
He’s Exactly what I end up liking and the type of man that ends up hurting me and I know this and I STILL like his black ass. ~shakes head~
Of all the men I’ve ever met, including Steve, he knows how to handle me best. I mean..I have NEVER in my life been handled with such authority. He makes me melt when he talks to me…he is the perfect balance of mean and sweet. 
So I called him up knowing that his number shouldn’t even be in my phone. “Hey…What’s up with you? Do I have to beg you to come see me?”
“What?” he asked, his tone rising.
“You heard me. Do I have to BEG you to come see me?” I asked again, matching his tone. I know he like it when I talk like that.
“Hollup..You don’t have to BEG for anything. I told you I’m coming to see you and I am.”
“Whatever. You play too much,” I said with a STANK tone.
“What? You want me to show you my bills so I can show you how much work I have to do? You wanna trade?”
“Whatever. I’m tired of your excuses,” I said angrily.
“Excuses?” he asked and then paused. “Tee…I miss you too.”
I melted.
“Let me call you back when I’m done,” he said. “Ok?”
“Bye,” I whispered.
~sigh~
He ain’t never called me back either. I HATE HIM! LOL! 
No, he ain’t rich, he ain’t a model type dude or nothing but..he just knows how to handle me. No one else does it like he does and it got to the point where I had to erase his number from my phone so I wouldn’t call him. I just loved…being in his presence. That shit urks me so much. Ain’t no reason for me to be like this with him..it’s not like he’s the bomb in bed or anything, I don’t know what the hell it is. He just HANDLES ME SO WELL!
When I have an attitude or am frustrated or annoyed, he knows just how to calm me down or shut me up. I sit in confusion when I’m with him- or when I WAS with him. I haven’t even seen him in about a month and the last time I saw him I happened to run into him when I was dropping a package off for one of the guests on my internet show.
I know it ain’t gonna be nothing because I don’t want anything but…sometimes I think of him and smile and want that confusion back again. It was kinda exciting. He’s creative and talented and driven and a hustler and so many of the qualities I admire in men. He’s a player and a maniuplator too. All of these men who would give a lung to get my number and this dude– he act like it’s nothing. I know he’ll break my heart but maybe that’s what I want because I keep messing with him every so often. Or maybe I just like him because I know he’ll never really like me back, not in the way I believe I deserve.
Maybe I’m just bored…I don’t know.. But it’s fun..and a little entertaining. I do like his behind though..I’m just not pressed to be with him.
I know…I’ll erase his number again and a few weeks from now he’ll call me or hit me up on facebook and I’ll fall right back in again. LOL! I’m a trip. But really…I feel comfortable with it because there is no real danger of falling in love.
By 3pm I was on my way to pick up my boys. ~sigh~ Being with them is what life’s all about. We came back to my place and did homework and then ate and watched a movie. My sons are really developing their sense of humor…
I’m cuddling with my Sugarbear…he’s in front of me, my arms are around him and I’m giving him tight squeezes and biting him on the ear, pretending like I’m gonna bite it off.
“Mama,” he says.
“Yes, baby…”
“It’s..your..your beard. It’s scratching me.”
I push him off of me and I can’t stop laughing.
“Just wax Mama. Once a week. Just wax.”
I’m dieing and I can’t stop laughing and coughing.
They sure get their sense of humor from their Daddy. ~rolls eyes~
They’re asleep now. They look like angels. I am so in love with them. I just am so grateful to know them and be able to call them mine.
My baby was chosen as Student Of the Month. He was so proud and I am too… It’s funny how little things like that seem so BIG when you’re a parent.
My boys = joy.
I’m so in love.
So in love…
I had such a great day…
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How to Be Free from Right and Wrong

Written by Jafree Ozwald
www.EnlightenedBeings.com

Have you ever had to make a challenging decision and thought, “Is this the right path to take?” or perhaps you had a bigger question such as “What am I supposed to do with my life?” Many of us are caught up in believing that if we can make the right decisions, stay on the “good” path and off the “bad” path, we will be rewarded in some way. This may be true to some degree, yet in the grand plan our soul is on an infinite journey and is interested in something much bigger. “I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” ~Larry King Your soul is much more advanced than your mind is.  It has a deeper knowing inside it that FEELS which decisions and paths will lead to more joy, bliss and freedom, and which won’t. There’s a deeper experience of understanding the bigger picture of your life that is found within any small decision. Your soul, spirit, or Higher Self inherently knows that it is connected with an infinite Divine being that is the Source of all creation, something much greater than anything found in this physical world. The advanced soul innately understands that discovering this connection IS the real goal and ultimate “decision” to be made in this lifetime. Any other goal, decision, or question is merely a distraction. The fact that the media and society have been desperately trying to hypnotize you to believe otherwise only makes the real truth easier to be felt once it has been seen. “Before God we are all equally wise – and equally foolish.” ~Albert Einstein As a child I remember going to our favorite fast food restaurant with my parents. We would be standing in line and I would always wonder what I was going to order when it was my turn. The moment I stood at the counter my parents were there asking me what I wanted, and I knew that had to decide on something or I was not going to eat anything for lunch that day. It’s often these little decisions in life which contain this kind of deep hidden pressure and stress to make the “right” decision or else we will not survive. Now I understand why it was hard to make any decision…because my body didn’t want ANYTHING on their unhealthy menu! The misunderstanding inside us that says that this is “right” and that is “wrong” is simply conditioning handed down from our parents, T.V., friends, family and societal consciousness. It is deeply embedded in our own thinking patterns. We all have this inner feeling of pressure inside to always do, say, and think the “right” things. This pressure has caused us to forget the real and important destination of our lives. This tension has created such a disconnection with our own bodies that we don’t know what we want, and feel an absence of the REAL thing that we are truly hankering or yearning for inside. There are so many decisions and choices to be made everyday that we forget the greatest and most obvious one that is here and now. “It is difficult to experience moments of happiness if we are not aware of what it is we genuinely love.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach What we all are searching for is an unlimited unending connection with a real feeling of Universal love. The truth is that all moments in life, good or bad, contain the possibility of finding this love within. The real goal of every soul is to live in this love, by realizing that it is connected to this infinite source of love. What the mind has forgotten is that EVERY situation and decision (right or wrong) has the POTENTIAL to lead us into this Self-realized and God-realized space. From this place there is no worry, stress, or fear about doing the right or wrong thing. From this state of being, you cannot make a “wrong” decision. “People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” ~George Bernard Shaw The mind is a funny thing in that it is always trying to find a better way of acquiring more things, making life better, and getting somewhere in the future faster. It is deeply rooted in this NEED to be in control of your life, and create everything according to the way it thinks it should be. This neediness to be in control ALL the time is what is creating ALL the suffering in your life. Once we realize that it does not matter so much what we decide, do, or say as much as how connected we FEEL inside, years and even lifetimes of suffering will instantly and completely fade away “Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” ~Author Unknown The only way to discover this place of freedom is to look deeper within. Go beyond the mind and our programming around what is “right and wrong” and simply look at what is at the source of here and now. To go inside of ones Self means to drop the outer world completely, and discover that this Universal Love is abundantly within! This takes tremendous focus, courage and determination to break free from the situations you believe are outside (and inside) of you. These experiences seem as if “they” are the ones creating your suffering, whereas the truth is that we are totally responsible and have the power to decide what we want to feel at any given time. “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.” ~Harold Whitman Make the decision to let go of your entrenched struggle with right and wrong, and simply use your energy to consciously choose to access this unlimited source of love inside you everyday. Once you decide to remain open and curious, and find what ultimately brings peace to your bodymind in EACH new moment, you will discover that this infinite divine inner connection is already here now. This is the greatest and most fulfilling exploration you can undertake during your lifetime. Enlightening Personal Commitment for the Week:
For the next 24 hours, I will dive more deeply within myself than I have ever done before. I will set my worries of the outer world aside and open to the peace within my innermost being. I will rest in this place for at least 10 minutes every day and release myself from any prison or tension that I have created in my mind. I will be gentle and loving with myself for the remainder of each day. I will simply relax and enjoy my amazing life. Want to Massively Increase Your Happiness, Joy, and Abundance over the next 90 days?
Experience the 8 Habits 90 Day Manifesting Routine!  It works miracles…experience it for yourself! Download it now at this link: www.ManifestingVibration.com Blessings and love,
Jafree Ozwald
www.EnlightenedBeings.com
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In The Midst Of This

Ahh..

Where do I begin?

~sigh~ I need more rest. I don’t sleep enough or eat well enough because I’m always planning my next move. Today I updated my facebook status to read: Ms. Tee would like to admit that I do not know what I’m doing but I’m still going to try anyway.

I wrote it out of frustration but I received a few comments and “likes” with people telling me that they feel the same way and it’s called ‘going after your dreams’. I was so surprised by that attention because I really feel so alone in this process. I feel like I’m in the dark trying to find straws in a concrete basement and the floor is covered with wet grass. I didn’t know others felt the same way.

All I know is…I’m talented enough, I’m tenacious enough and I have the right heart for success. I just wonder when I’ll see the fruit of my sacrifice and the seeds I have sown. And I wonder…if you know..what it means…to find your dreams. ~sigh~

Loads of opportunities have come my way now that I just GO! I had no idea how much my life would change last semester. I got my own radio talk show which meant I officially became a DJ. Because I’m a DJ I was invited by my friend J to an event for DJ’s. At that event I met my guyfriend DEEP who has pushed me into the midst of the entertainment community here in Miami. I’m still wobbling and meeting people and learning who is important and who’s not and trying to see how my talents fit in amongst these people but I’ma tell you… I LOVE IT EVERYDAY IN EVERY WAY!

I’m not even sure I can capture what it’s like to be in the mix with all of these people who are supercreative and super talented and driven and focused on their success. I know I’m not a music artist and I never really even was into music like that but I find myself fascinated by the underground artists here. When I listen to their music I listen for their delivery, their lyrical content and then I listen to their track- how well its put together, what instruments they use and if it moves me. Most artists I don’t like, because I can feel the energy behind their voices and it’s not developed well…but some of them- well…I invite them to be on my show! Period!

On Sunday…my BBDD was trippin on me so I couldn’t take my boys to a party at the park. It’s taking everything in me not to write about what happened but honestly…I don’t want to have to go back through my archives and read about that shit in the future so…I’ll leave it alone. I swear…if he would just COMMUNICATE with me we wouldn’t have half the problems we have. He sees me as his enemy for some reason. I feel like I have a Baby Mama and shit…Damn. I even asked him to please sit down with me so we could talk and help our relationship but he doesn’t want to- to me that says he likes holding on to the negative energy that he has for me.

Chile…I’m so…tired of fighting with him. I don’t start shit….I don’t try to make anyone’s life harder…I just…try to be encouraging man. I..for real..don’t get this shit at all. He’s feeding everyone a bunch of bullshit about what a horrible mother I am and he’s even trying to convince me. I don’t fall for that shit anymore. He doesn’t define me. God..I can’t wait to meet a man, ANY MAN who is down for me for real and wants to offer nothing but support and encouragement. I know someone exists like that. There has to be.

Anyway….after that whole fiasco, I went with my friend DEEP to a warehouse show in Hialeah. It was amazing! A bunch of artists and hip hop lovers all gathered to celebrate the grand opening of a new recording studio and they pulled out the DJ set and allowed artists to perform. I was going to witness my first rap battle but the show got rained out. I even got to witness my first Cypher (sp). It’s where everyone stands around and takes turns freestyling. I thought I would cry from being in that room. It was so much talent and creativity. I recognized so many people from other Open Mics that i have attended and I made a few connects with a couple of DJ’s and producers. I even got a great hip hop website to partner with me and allow me to write articles about each of the guests on my show.

So in addition to being interviewed on my show, the artists get to perform 2 of their songs AND receive an award AND get a nice write-up on a popular hip hop website! As I watched the first few artists perform, two of them stuck out to me. The first was a guy named Chilla. He performed as though he was in front of a crowd of millions instead of outside of a warehouse. He had such great energy and his delivery was on point. I invited him to be a guest on my show. Another artist was a cool ass chick who really got the crowd hyped with her performance. She got an invitation too. Now my show is booked through Mid May and it’s gaining some kind of popularity. Because of that show I’ve been invited to host music events in the coming month which means more exposure for me and my show.

I’m still trying to get into a commercial or a video or a TV show or something. I keep making it to the final round when they are choosing talent but I never make it through. It’s either my hair is too short or my afro isn’t big enough or…today…They already have a light skinned girl- they want to mix it up. ~shaking my head~ Who knew the day would come when being light skinned with green eyes wasn’t good enough? I should have exploited my looks when I had the chance.

I’m over here laughing just thinking about the conversation I had with Tonya tonight. I usually don’t call anyone unless I have something specific to talk about but with Tonya..I call her when I want to laugh. I laugh AT her..I laugh WITH her…and we talk about our insecurities and shit like that. We ended up playing the “Wouldn’t It Be Nice If…” game and we were both cheesing HARD by the time we were done.

In case you missed it, the game goes like this: We have to say the statement, “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” and we complete the statement with something we would like to happen that is so grand and so wonderful that we would fall out if it actually happened. We always end up laughing because the things we talk about…man….those things seem so far fetched that it makes us crack up. Sometimes I even do some imagining for her and she does it for me.

For her…
Wouldn’t it be nice if…you lost 40 pounds by the end of the summer and you went stunting on every beach? LOL!
Wouldn’t it be nice if…when your friend comes to visit, he ends the trip by professing his love for you and asking you to move back with him to Philly? LOL!
Wouldn’t it be nice if…someone came to one of your plays and saw you perform and offered you a role in their show? LOL!

For me….
Wouldn’t it be nice if…your BBDD called you and apologized for not appreciating you all this time and he honored you as the mother of his children and became your biggest supporter? ~sigh~ (This made me cry when she said it.)
WOuldn’t it be nice if….you met a publisher who was blown away by your writing and decided to publish ALL of your work?! Wow..

We played for about 20 minutes and after each wish we would tell each other why it COULD happen and why it SHOULD happen and what it would be like when it DOES happen.

It set my mind right…immediately.

~sigh~

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I seem to KEEP a headache. Wait…Did I eat today? Aww man…I only had a cup of cereal earlier. I need to eat. Rest and eat. I need my booty rubbed too. I really need a hug. A hug. Everyday I think about what it would be like to be hugged on a consistent basis. Some people want millions and trillions..I just want affection, support and attention.

Hey..that sounded like a rhyme…

Some people want millions, trillions and jillions
I just want affection, support and attention
I’m shooting back loyalty, inspiration and then some
No need to cut corners, Simply looking for The REAL ONE

LMAO! Maybe I should record a track too! LOL!

Ms. Tee the rapper! LOL! Me with my glasses on rapping about philosophy and going after your dreams…

Funny….

Let me do some more writing…

I love you!