In The Midst Of This

Ahh..

Where do I begin?

~sigh~ I need more rest. I don’t sleep enough or eat well enough because I’m always planning my next move. Today I updated my facebook status to read: Ms. Tee would like to admit that I do not know what I’m doing but I’m still going to try anyway.

I wrote it out of frustration but I received a few comments and “likes” with people telling me that they feel the same way and it’s called ‘going after your dreams’. I was so surprised by that attention because I really feel so alone in this process. I feel like I’m in the dark trying to find straws in a concrete basement and the floor is covered with wet grass. I didn’t know others felt the same way.

All I know is…I’m talented enough, I’m tenacious enough and I have the right heart for success. I just wonder when I’ll see the fruit of my sacrifice and the seeds I have sown. And I wonder…if you know..what it means…to find your dreams. ~sigh~

Loads of opportunities have come my way now that I just GO! I had no idea how much my life would change last semester. I got my own radio talk show which meant I officially became a DJ. Because I’m a DJ I was invited by my friend J to an event for DJ’s. At that event I met my guyfriend DEEP who has pushed me into the midst of the entertainment community here in Miami. I’m still wobbling and meeting people and learning who is important and who’s not and trying to see how my talents fit in amongst these people but I’ma tell you… I LOVE IT EVERYDAY IN EVERY WAY!

I’m not even sure I can capture what it’s like to be in the mix with all of these people who are supercreative and super talented and driven and focused on their success. I know I’m not a music artist and I never really even was into music like that but I find myself fascinated by the underground artists here. When I listen to their music I listen for their delivery, their lyrical content and then I listen to their track- how well its put together, what instruments they use and if it moves me. Most artists I don’t like, because I can feel the energy behind their voices and it’s not developed well…but some of them- well…I invite them to be on my show! Period!

On Sunday…my BBDD was trippin on me so I couldn’t take my boys to a party at the park. It’s taking everything in me not to write about what happened but honestly…I don’t want to have to go back through my archives and read about that shit in the future so…I’ll leave it alone. I swear…if he would just COMMUNICATE with me we wouldn’t have half the problems we have. He sees me as his enemy for some reason. I feel like I have a Baby Mama and shit…Damn. I even asked him to please sit down with me so we could talk and help our relationship but he doesn’t want to- to me that says he likes holding on to the negative energy that he has for me.

Chile…I’m so…tired of fighting with him. I don’t start shit….I don’t try to make anyone’s life harder…I just…try to be encouraging man. I..for real..don’t get this shit at all. He’s feeding everyone a bunch of bullshit about what a horrible mother I am and he’s even trying to convince me. I don’t fall for that shit anymore. He doesn’t define me. God..I can’t wait to meet a man, ANY MAN who is down for me for real and wants to offer nothing but support and encouragement. I know someone exists like that. There has to be.

Anyway….after that whole fiasco, I went with my friend DEEP to a warehouse show in Hialeah. It was amazing! A bunch of artists and hip hop lovers all gathered to celebrate the grand opening of a new recording studio and they pulled out the DJ set and allowed artists to perform. I was going to witness my first rap battle but the show got rained out. I even got to witness my first Cypher (sp). It’s where everyone stands around and takes turns freestyling. I thought I would cry from being in that room. It was so much talent and creativity. I recognized so many people from other Open Mics that i have attended and I made a few connects with a couple of DJ’s and producers. I even got a great hip hop website to partner with me and allow me to write articles about each of the guests on my show.

So in addition to being interviewed on my show, the artists get to perform 2 of their songs AND receive an award AND get a nice write-up on a popular hip hop website! As I watched the first few artists perform, two of them stuck out to me. The first was a guy named Chilla. He performed as though he was in front of a crowd of millions instead of outside of a warehouse. He had such great energy and his delivery was on point. I invited him to be a guest on my show. Another artist was a cool ass chick who really got the crowd hyped with her performance. She got an invitation too. Now my show is booked through Mid May and it’s gaining some kind of popularity. Because of that show I’ve been invited to host music events in the coming month which means more exposure for me and my show.

I’m still trying to get into a commercial or a video or a TV show or something. I keep making it to the final round when they are choosing talent but I never make it through. It’s either my hair is too short or my afro isn’t big enough or…today…They already have a light skinned girl- they want to mix it up. ~shaking my head~ Who knew the day would come when being light skinned with green eyes wasn’t good enough? I should have exploited my looks when I had the chance.

I’m over here laughing just thinking about the conversation I had with Tonya tonight. I usually don’t call anyone unless I have something specific to talk about but with Tonya..I call her when I want to laugh. I laugh AT her..I laugh WITH her…and we talk about our insecurities and shit like that. We ended up playing the “Wouldn’t It Be Nice If…” game and we were both cheesing HARD by the time we were done.

In case you missed it, the game goes like this: We have to say the statement, “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” and we complete the statement with something we would like to happen that is so grand and so wonderful that we would fall out if it actually happened. We always end up laughing because the things we talk about…man….those things seem so far fetched that it makes us crack up. Sometimes I even do some imagining for her and she does it for me.

For her…
Wouldn’t it be nice if…you lost 40 pounds by the end of the summer and you went stunting on every beach? LOL!
Wouldn’t it be nice if…when your friend comes to visit, he ends the trip by professing his love for you and asking you to move back with him to Philly? LOL!
Wouldn’t it be nice if…someone came to one of your plays and saw you perform and offered you a role in their show? LOL!

For me….
Wouldn’t it be nice if…your BBDD called you and apologized for not appreciating you all this time and he honored you as the mother of his children and became your biggest supporter? ~sigh~ (This made me cry when she said it.)
WOuldn’t it be nice if….you met a publisher who was blown away by your writing and decided to publish ALL of your work?! Wow..

We played for about 20 minutes and after each wish we would tell each other why it COULD happen and why it SHOULD happen and what it would be like when it DOES happen.

It set my mind right…immediately.

~sigh~

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I seem to KEEP a headache. Wait…Did I eat today? Aww man…I only had a cup of cereal earlier. I need to eat. Rest and eat. I need my booty rubbed too. I really need a hug. A hug. Everyday I think about what it would be like to be hugged on a consistent basis. Some people want millions and trillions..I just want affection, support and attention.

Hey..that sounded like a rhyme…

Some people want millions, trillions and jillions
I just want affection, support and attention
I’m shooting back loyalty, inspiration and then some
No need to cut corners, Simply looking for The REAL ONE

LMAO! Maybe I should record a track too! LOL!

Ms. Tee the rapper! LOL! Me with my glasses on rapping about philosophy and going after your dreams…

Funny….

Let me do some more writing…

I love you!