Share My World

I met a really, really fine guy this past weekend. I was surprised that he approached me because honestly, fine guys don’t approach me that often. Wait, I’m lieing, but I never entertain them because I don’t want to be with any man who looks better than me. For some reason, this cute young man caught my eye too so when he asked for my number I gave it to him.

B’cept, instead of calling to talk to me, he keeps texting me. At first I was pissed off by that so I called my sister and asked her why the hell this dude keeps texting me like that and she explained that young guys text women at first until they become more comfortable. Oh, I didn’t know that.

I don’t mind text messages, but text conversations– not my thang. Bitch pick up the phone!

So earlier today he texts me asking me if I wanted to chill with him tonight.

Chill? The anger in me started rising up out of nowhere. Bitch, who has time to chill?! I have dreams and goals and shit to write and organize. Why the hell does he have time to chill anyway? What kind of dude is he if he has ample time to hang out and do nothing but look at me?

I decided immediately that I didn’t like him.

~sigh~

And then I realized that my attitude about him has to be some kind of defense mechanism. I keep saying I want some affection and attention but when it is offered to me I find a reason to dismiss it. If all I want is secks and affection, I could have that from a number of people. Why do I keep turning it away?

I don’t know, man. I really don’t know.

My chest is aching and my back hurts and I know it’s my emotional health that is causing the physical symptoms. It’s my mind state right now.. I’m going through it trying to deal with this whole working with Donovan Daniels thing…

Ok so…since I was a little girl I always looked at this man as perfect, simply perfect for me. When he went away to college, I went there too (years later) but he never, ever tried to be my boyfriend or showed any attraction or attention to me. We met up last year in Dallas and we’ve been in contact somewhat, he even invited me to his bachelor party, my other guyfriend says that was to show me off to his boys (even though we never had secks).

Anyway, I wouldn’t have minded being his trophy. He has always been a trophy to me, a trophy I could never have.

So now that he’s explained his goals to me the skillset that he needs to move forward with his goals are directly aligned with the skillset that I possess. I am now in a position to help him to achieve his dreams. He is definitely a force to be reckoned with because unlike most people who I have to TEACH and share wisdom, when I’m around him I sit back and learn.

He is poised, he is intelligent, he is a productive thinker. He understands the importance of reacting in a rational manner in any situation and he has the resources to invest in himself and others. He is extremely successful and he has a good heart. Plus, he has a sexy voice and he’s cute.

AND he just got married.

So..my heart is still hurting a little over the fact that he just got married and now I’ll never be able to see if he could ever value me as more than some emotional stupid kid with a crush on him. But now I have to talk to him more often and it hurts a little to hear his voice, have him be so sweet to me as he thanks me profusely for being who I am in his life.

“Tee,” He tried to explain to me the other day over the phone. “I am so glad that I never tried anything with you in the past. I woulda fucked it up, I know it! I’m glad things went how they went so that we can have the relationship that we have right now. We’re gonna make lots of money together.”

At first as I dealt with the pain of being so near to him and being able to help him become even more wonderful I rationalized, “Maybe if he and i develop this business relationship it will become fulfilling to my desire to have this kind of relationship with a man and I could possibly let my standards down and be romantic with some guy who has a job or something, a regular dude. If he fulfills this part, maybe I’ll need less of this with some other guy.”

Then my emotional self took over and my thoughts became self defeating, battering me throughout the night.

Oh…He never wanted anything to do with you until he saw that he could use your skills. He could never love you. He’d never even kiss you. All he sees is CASH when he looks at you. He just wants you to help him shine. He doesn’t care about you. He’s gonna drop you just like the rest of them. He’s one of them. You’re only valuable to him because now you are smart enough to help him get where he’s going. He never paid you attention before. You were never good enough to be in his circle of friends before now he want to make money with you. He’s using you.

I think I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

Over and over all night long, I could barely sleep because of the negative traffic in my brain.

When I woke up I was still feeling anguish and wanting to help him but not wanting to have to be so close yet still be reminded of how he never liked me like I liked him. I called him up to talk and I could tell he was offended.

“This is business,” he reminded me. “I just put a check for you in the mail. Let me know if you’re going to be serious about this because I am making a serious investment in you and me.”

I hung up with him still irritated and feeling lonely.

Lonely even though I had secks last night. The fine guy I met, I called him up and told him to come over. He did. We did. It was alright. He was so fine. Like, I was nervous around him.

When he came over I felt like a little ass girl, although this dude told me he was 22. You know I eat young college boys like M&M’s. Well, I used to. I haven’t had one in a few months. But anyway, he was a little too smooth for me. When he smiled at me I felt like I was looking in LL Cool J’s face. He was beautiful and at the same time he kept telling me how beautiful I was.

I didn’t know how I felt about that. But once he put his arm around me and I felt the warmth of his hands rubbing my shoulders, I melted in the embrace and I found myself turning around as he positioned himself on top of me I lifted his shirt over his head and began kissing his chest.

He was fine.

Really fine.

After it was all done, I stood up, got dressed and walked him outside. I turned around without really saying goodbye. I know I never want to talk to him again.

I don’t want him.

I want a business partner to fuck and celebrate personal, spiritual and professional growth with.

I finally had secks yet I still went to sleep with a headache worrying. It didn’t relax me at all.

I am so tired of feeling inadequate and getting my feelings all wrapped up in shit. I just want to give my gift. I’m not trying to be all wrapped up in bullshit. I’m not trying to fuck the game up. I think it’s the fact that I’m all fucked up in the head right now because I’m not getting secks on the regular and I’m used to men being dishonest and hurtful to me.

I don’t want to take that risk again.

But I do believe I can help him make money. I don’t doubt that.

Fuck it…let me go get this money. I can manage Donovan’s business. I can promote him. I can put my emotions aside and do this.

I’m a business woman. Let me go handle this.

I know. I’m trying to grow.

Straight up and down you HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE!It’s about the baddest cocaine smuggler that ever existed and she’s a WOMAN named Griselda Blanco!Pretty hardcore. I’m trying to get an interview with the storyteller.You can watch it here…

I had such a beautiful day today. My sister warned me that I had better have my phone on when she called because I volunteered to accompany her downtown to handle some business and she said she’d be to my place early in the morning. Usually my phone is on silent so I miss her calls, but I was ready for her this morning.

We had such a good time even though we were handling business. I love hanging out with my little sister! She’s funny, we get each other’s jokes and we are both very generous people, always trying to take care of each other in any way we can. We went and bought a dorm sized refrigerator for my room and after she left to head back to Ft. Lauderdale to pick up her fiance, I went to the grocery store and filled it with all kids of food that I hadn’t eaten in ages; cereal, milk, sandwhich meat- all kinds of stuff for my boys.

As I was putting away my groceries my roommates came home and they offered me a glass of merlot. We all went outside on the porch and drank our wine and enjoyed the beautiful weather. It’s so nice here in Miami. I swear, I can’t imagine enjoying anywhere else as much as I enjoy being here.

Wait..did I mention that I don’t live in Miami anymore? Nope, my new place is just outside of Miami. It’s a small city called Hallandale Beach. It’s mostly Hispanic families from what I’ve seen but it’s quiet and my roommates are great. I really believe this is a good situation for me because everyone is so chill and they don’t sweat me to hang out with them like other roommates that I’ve had in the past.

Donovan and I have been going ahead full steam in our partnership. We drafted a contract and set goals for ourselves. It’s the most amazing partnership because we have very similar goals for our futures and we think alike in the way we deal with each other. We’re both looking out for the other’s best interest and I am so excited because it seems like with THIS PARTNERSHIP he wants success as much as I do. Usually when I’m trying to help someone to reach their goals, I want their success more than they do and I end up wasting my time because they give up but not with Donovan. He’s bout that and each day I spend time thinking of ways to make him more marketable as a speaker. He listens to my suggestions and takes heed. He spares no expense in allowing me to guide him to his success. I love that!

He’ll be down here for Thanksgiving and over that weekend he’ll be a guest on my radio show and he’s invited me and my sons to his Mom’s house to listen to him speak and provide feedback on his presentation. I’m nervous but excited to be able to be a part of this.

Donovan has excellent ideas about how to shift your mindset from anxiety and fear and comformity, to being poised, successful and confident. I’ve never heard anything like this before and we’re already working on the first draft of his first book, which I plan to release as an eBook by the time the new year rolls around.

I’m so excited! Someone really wants success as much as I do and he is willing to actually put his heart into it just as much as I am. I can tell he’s a bit taken aback by my creative ideas but as I feed him more and more confidence I’m sure he’ll catch up to speed. There’s no time to waste, there’s no need to wait. The bounty is there for the taking as long as we continue to give our best and give the gifts that God has given us.

I’m still tipsy from the wine and full from the dinner my roommates picked up from this chinese place so I’ll rest a little before I get back to my writing for the evening.

I hope your day was as blessed as mine!

Listen to the show on Friday night and if you have any questions or issues concerning work related relationships (Bosses, co workers, making friends at work, how to handle gossip, how to operate in office politics) shoot me an email because I still need guests lined up and I’d appreciate your support.

Don’t forget to tune in online from 10pm to midnight EASTERN and holla at me if you can!

Yay!

I ordered Kanye West’s book. I went by the bookstore to pick it up and it wasn’t there so I had to go to his website to get it. When It came I finished it while I was in the drive thru at the bank because it was so short. I really liked it and it impressed me. It’s more of a coffee table book than a literary book though. It gave me some great ideas for the books I am developing for Donovan.

So, I’m really feeling like it’s time for me to start my next book. I’m trying to imagine what it would look like and how to present this information but the only thing is, it’s about healing from extremely bad relationships with men and I’m not there yet.

See, my books are about healing yourself and getting your mind right so before I begin writing I look within myself and find an issue that I need to deal with and then I research and brainstorm about how I can get past the issue. Then I write the book. This book’s healing process hasn’t happened for me yet, but I’m working on it and hopefully I’ll be able to pass on some valuable information to everyone.

After a brief stint of meeting with men and entertaining them I’ve decided to take a break again. I’m not ready for that right now. I keep repeating the same destructive patterns. Sometimes I’m at work and I think about going home alone and how everyone else seems to have someone texting them and sweating them and I don’t but I remind myself that I wouldn’t mess with any of the dudes that they mess with so it’s easy for them.

Ahhh…I need a massage so badly. Guess I’ll take a shower instead.

I heard about a great success story today. Tyler Perry opened his movie production studios earlier this month and I saw pictures of old school celebrities weeping at the celebration. I am so proud of him and I have followed his story from the time I first heard his name when he released the Madea DVD’s.

I’m not too keen on Madea’s plays although I think she’s a cool character. I love the movies though and I’m glad he fired the writers for his TV show House Of Payne. I feel bad for them, they seemed to be standing up for their rights when he released them but truth be told, that show needed a vast makeover. I thought the storylines were passe’ and the jokes were not funny to me.

Much respect to the man who said he was “trying to find the opposite of homeless”. I think he’s done it and I could not be more happy for anyone.

These days I’m reactivating the vibe I get when I read biographies and study different models for success. Because studying success stories is my pleasure, I get to pass on all of the techniques and pathways to Donovan. There’s something to this obsession I have with accomplishing dreams. Those that I have studied have all kind of accepted that the person who they “feel like” is who they really are, despite the circumstances. They then act upon that dream as though it is promised to them, forsaking everything else to make it happen.

I mean, what is being uncomfortable for a few months compared the grand success you will achieve if you put your heart and soul into what you KNOW you can do? So many people hide behind their lifestyles, their jobs and their fear of other’s opinions of them and they never make a move in life, they never take a risk. Life IS a risk, so it’s best if you would grasp that dream you have and try to fly with it.

A guyfriend asked me today, “It’s funny how someone else would PAY you for your knowledge and trust you to guide them to success when you haven’t achieved it for yourself yet.”

That reminds me of the sarcastic remark made by one of my friends when she learned that I was going back to school to become a Relationship Therapist yet I have not had a romantic relationship in forever.

To both of them I say: Whatever hoe!

Look, it takes a smart person to recognize that my obsession with achieving dreams would benefit them. The fact that I don’t hesitate when I see a vision for my life astounds most people. Most people would come up with an idea, a fantasy for their life, and then sit around and think about it and then think some more asking others if they believe they can do it, needing approval.
I don’t need shit. I just need the idea. Once I have the idea, I do it. That’s it. I don’t care if I’m not “qualified” to write that book or experienced enough to lead that organization. If I believe I can do it, I do it. And I don’t fail.

Because I am now operating as a consultant/success coach I feel like my life’s dream has come true. For real ya’ll. I remember one time Donovan asked me what my dream was and I told him that I wished that I could be a genie and go around and make people’s wishes come true.

This role I’m playing with Donovan’s business is exactly that. I come up with creative ideas for branding him as an individual and I help him develop his literature.

I came up with a cool name for what I do. Ready?

I am now an Individual Brand Developer and Success Coach.

I take someone with a dream and map out the steps it will take for them to achieve it. Those with BIG dreams are the ones I am excited about working with. I build their online presence, create all marketing materials and create unique marketing opportunities for them to sell themselves. Everyday I paint a picture of their dream for them and I only speak to them as though their dream is waiting down the street. I never doubt. I never hesitate and I PUSH them toward it, organizing them along the way and teaching them how to operate on their own.

If I had the resources to do this for myself, I would. That is the only thing that Donovan has on me. He has invested time into a company and reaps the benefit of having a very nice salary which allows him to be able to invest in himself. In an effort to turn him into a master speaker, philosopher and leader I’m sending him to Toastmasters. I’m signing him up for the Speakers Association. I’m creating a unique education program for him to gather clients and coach them. He’s getting a REAL website. Man! I have so many ideas and HE has the resources to actually DO them. ~sigh~ When I’m working on his plan I feel like I feel right before penetration.

I have committed myself to Donovan for a 2 year period but I do plan to leave when I see that he is up and functioning successfully. The way our contract is negotiated I get a nice percentage of any profits made from any books that he sells (from those that I edit and co write) for the duration of their printing and a percentage from any speaking engagements that I book for him, or he books for himself for the time that I am working with him. So, hopefully I’ll still be making money with him even after I’ve moved on to help others achieve their dreams.

Ahh…I’m trying to paint an accurate picture of my business relationship with Donovan because I can not get caught up in his dream although it ties so closely to mine. I mean, I don’t believe I should work so consistently with him like that when everyday I’m interacting with him and I’m thinking, “Wow, this is the role I wanted to play for my husband.”

I won’t give anyone all of me like that until I meet a man who wants to completely split profits with me or a man who is bringing all of the money back to our family. I’ll continue to consult, attract more clients and help them become the person they believe they are inside. Then I’ll set up their business for them and point them in the right direction and then I’ll move on to someone else.

I can’t wait to see which people get to benefit from my desire to help others achieve their dreams. Who’s my next client? Hmm?

I may get to become a genie after all!

Alright. Alright. I am so procrastinating on this article I have to write. I swear, if it’s not last minute, I can’t write it. But..today I came to some very heavy eye opening conclusions about my attitude toward relationships. While chatting with Tamara, I was blown away.

Ok. This is on the real. I think that because of my personal relationship with Donovan, I am not feeling the way this work relationship is going. I’m happy to be able to do this kind of work, but it reminds me of not being good enough for him (romantically) everytime I think about it.

I picture me working my ass off sweating and grinding for him and him going back home to her with suitcases full of money while she’s on the couch watching TV and counting the bills. It makes me mad because no one takes care of me. I have to work for my shit. Why can’t I be so lucky to have someone who just lets me sit down and do nothing?

Next time I take on a client, I’ll make sure that he is someone that has no ties to me personally. This is starting not to feel good. I think I’m jealous of her.

I mean, Donovan is supersmart and supercool and I believe in him 100% but in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “Why the hell didn’t he marry a woman who could help him reach his goals?”

It’s my own insecurity talking because I couldn’t imagine my husband standing up in front of a crowd and thanking some other women for helping him to succeed. It won’t ever happen.

So then I’m talking to my sister and trying to explain how I feel and it all boils down to the fact that I know that I am not a domestic engineer. I’m not cooking or cleaning for anyone. I am hella smart and hella talented though and any man that crosses my path will achieve any dream that he has for his life and I am willing to be the “silent” partner that propels him to success. I would love to do that.

But..it seems that the more men I meet, the more they value the things I don’t do, like cooking and cleaning and sitting up waiting for them to come home with no goals of their own and no skills outside of saying, “Yes, I can clean that for you.”

Is that all men are looking for? You mean I have no value to you if I can’t cook a steak? No, I’m not making the bed. That’s a waste of my time, someone else should do that- I have to finish this book.

So I’m talking to Tamara about it because all my little sister said was “That’s dumb.” LOL!

And Tamara breaks it down for me in a way that makes me go aha…

She says, “Tee, you value different things in a relationship than most people do. Most people don’t look at their wife as a business partner. Their personal and business lives are seperated. You want both at the same time, but not everyone wants to work like that.”

Ohh….For real? Wow..I had no idea…

I just happen to think that a man’s wife is a reflection of who he is. No other person on earth will be as dedicated to your success as your wife would be so why not choose someone who will be your biggest asset and push you to succeed? Your wife should be your PARTNER in life, in every way. Don’t you think? Am I the only one who thinks this way?

When I look around at the men around me, I am sort of dissappointed by their choices in women. With the exception of Leon, I think no one can brag about their wife for doing real shit in the world. Ok, so you have a wife who can make a great dinner but, when it comes to real shit, can she hold you down? If something happens to you will your estate crumble? You have 3 kids and then you die, will she be able to make that shit work?

This is so hard for me to admit out loud and I know I look like the horrible, jealous bitch in this scenario but this is how I feel. In most cases if something doesn’t feel right to me, I’ll walk away. But in this case I know it’s just my feelings of inadequacy and my dumb imagination which shows me wallowing in stacks of money yet never being fully appreciated for the wealth of “Me’ness” that I bring to the table.

I’m sorry. I’m gonna work through this and make my money. I have to.

And I will…

I’ve been feeling all aggressive lately. I haven’t been myself. I think I’m stressing. I’m not unhappy it’s just my body is always so tense.

Today I was able to release some of that tension after I made a few phone calls and wrote the press release for my show this coming Friday. After I sent it, I looked at it and noticed that I spelled a word wrong. Like, the 2nd word in the whole release. Yeah, pretty bad. But…look, I handled it so well, I just shrugged and closed the email. They’ll understand what I meant. They have to give me a break, I’m producing, marketing and hosting this show by myself. I’m not gonna sweat it.

So I get a few emails from people telling me congrats and that they will be tuning in. Then I get this one from a guy I JUST had to tell that he need to calm that arrogant shit down. This is what he says, “Congrats! But you really need to do spellcheck before you send out these things.”

Just like a bitch.

I was like hell naw. So I’m like, “Bitch you correct me when you’ve been published and have your own radio show to promote with yo ol’ ONE published article and you shared that byline”

Then that girlyman gonna actually write me back paragraphs and paragraphs of insults. I’ll be honest, I didn’t care. Just the mere fact that he is trying to insult me via email is enough for me to shake my head and just stand back and watch how far he will go because he’s hurt.

He goes on and on, email after email and I’m like, “You are not supposed to argue back and forth with a woman. You are gay. (Lord, forgive me) Dude. Just let it go.”

All he had to say was, “Call me when you get some sense.”

And I would have called him tomorrow and apologized and explained where the aggression was coming from. Instead, he allowed my vibrations to enter him and he exploded with the same rage I was in. Did you notice that transferance? If someone is trying to give you their negative vibe, like I was, you have to cut your time with them short. Don’t accept it.

And as far as my misspelled word goes, when you’ve worked for a publication you have to have thick skin about that shit. Sometimes a header is gonna be wrong or a picture is wrong or anything isn’t exactly how you wanted it to be, but like my old publisher said, “Sometimes you gotta just turn the page.”

If it’s already in print, just move on. You gave it your best shot.

That’s just like the past. If it’s done, it’s done. If it didn’t work, it just didn’t work.

Walk away. Try something else.

Turn the page.

I put the boys to bed a couple of hours ago after watching a little Travel channel. I can’t believe how wonderful they are, but I’ll digress, how could they not be?