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Keeping Up With Second Life

Everyday I grow more and more impressed with Second Life.

Once I got over the newness of it all and I was starting to go sit in the corner when I went to parties, I had this ugly feeling about it. This is a waste of time. Why am I on this boring thing?

Then I looked at it “the game” and said, “I’m here for a reason, let’s explore and meet as many people as I can.”

Everyay I have an interaction with someone that leads me to find out a little more about their personality. There’s this woman that I met at the basketball courts on SL and at first she didnt even say Hi, those women on the courts aren’t friendly, but then she came up to me and custom made me a skin.

I mean…I felt like I was in some kind of high tech movie thriller because some kind of way, this woman’s avatar, stood in front of me, and she did something to her face so that I could see the skin she was working on. HER FACE MORPHED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

I was like..HELL NAW! That was scary!

Wait…listen. A skin on SL consists of the exterior of the body you have now, basically, your skin, facial features, etc. You can have a skin and then you need a shape which is the body type you want. So a skin and a shape must be worn together. And these two must compliment each other because certain skins look different on different body shape.

Isn’t that amazing?

So she made me a skin, which i LOVED the way my face looked, but I wasn’ t satisfied with my color. I want to be a bit darker than I am in real life but I can’t find any skins with the right color. I want that rich, shiny snickers bar color, with maybe some red undertones.

The skin I’m wearing now..I LOVE. But! She looks white to me. I don’t want to be running around looking like a white girl, that’s never been my fantasy.

So anyway, I’m weird today.

This same chick who made the skin for me, I saw her at the courts and she left and then sent me a TP (which is a teleport request) which invites me to come where she is. When I get there, it’s this old cruddy hang out spot with so many different kinds of avatars. The music was so different, I can’t even describe it.

People were running around, eating and dancing. I sat back and watched and poked my head into every tent they had pitched. It was a raggedy looking place with beer cans, bongs, people smoking and everything.

Wow..WHat a different side to see from the woman who gave me and Jadean a makeover.

On the surface, it’s a world, but really, it’s a world. Did you see Horton Hears a Who? It’s the same thing.

I have a house in SL. I have a job in SL that pays me a salary in order to pay for my house. I write for an SL magazine.

I joined a group called WISDOM and every person that is apart of the group, has an eclectic spiritual background. They hold meetings and every meeting is on a different topic like Chakra Opening and Men & Spirituality.

I feel like I’m learning so much. The other night I was invited to a rave party in the forest to celebrate the birthday of the guy who invested LSD. They were playing trance music.

Whic sounds a bit like African house music to me. Again..I’ve only heard about African house music because I was exposed to someone on SL.

I’m meeting people in Holland, North Africa and when you hang out with them, they show you what their people are doing and all of the recreation styles are unique.

I haven’t made any SL FRIENDS that make me feel, “OMG I HAVE TO LOG ON!”

No, none of that. But I do love to log on and see what spiritual meditation group or discussion they are having today. I also like to just walk my avatar around my SL House and look at things and smile. Then I go up to my bedroom and sit on my bed and stare at the picture of my imaginary boyfriend on the wall.

If you ever get to come to SL, I’ll show you who he is, the pic is of someone I know in real life.

Oh yeah..Almost forgot. I started a new blog (hahahahhahaaa!) because I needed a place where I could have fun. With all this writing for school and for the new gigs and what not..writing wasn’t fun anymore.

So I started this blog called SL BEST IN BLACK. I named it after a themed party I went to one time on SL. And it also has a double meaning, I’m showcasing the BEST of the Black Community in SL.

I ask questions, they are so open and nice enough to answer. I’ve gotten the profiles and inside story of people’s SL lives. This is my fun writing because even on this blog, I’m not really writing and growing, I’m just spilling out emotions through the keyboard.

It should be interesting. Check it out.

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Yucky, Ugly Vibrations

I can’t sleep. My heart is in turmoil.

Maybe after writing about all of this mess, I’ll be able to relax.

Ok, my Mother’s Day weekend was great. Today my sons and I went to the beach with my sister, her boyfriend and my brother and his wife. We all had a great time and I got to snooze a bit in the sun while they played with my boys.

My sons are always arguing with each other, which is normal I guess for brothers to do, it’s just..I never argued with my brother and sister and I hate listening to them do it. They’re not nasty when they do it, it’s just..why can’t they send out blessings instead of trying to annoy each other all the time?

I don’t get that.

I just don’t get that. WHy do we all have to fuckin try to hurt each other all the time? I don’t give a damn if it is ‘just a joke’? That shit ain’t funny to me. I feel like I’m from another planet or something because no one understands how I feel when I say that sarcasm shit is dumb.

Another thing, my brother’s wife. This was my first time meeting her. Do I like her? Well, I’ll say that I don’t DISLIKE her. She and I both have two children and we’re both women. We also have natural hair. I think that’s about all we have in common. My sister says he could have gotten someone cuter, but to me, she looks just as cute as the rest of the women he’s been with in the past. None of them were ever beauty queen material, but they were ALL crazy over him.

She..she’s alright. We were able to have some random coversations. I wouldn’t roll my eyes when she walks in the door, but I wouldn’t invite her to my birthday party either. And the funny thing is…I think she feels the same way, which made me feel good because I hate when people pretend to like someone when they really don’t. So now I respect her.

Which brings me to another point that I want to make…

There are so many people who write to me and ask me for advice and tell me what a great person I am because of the porfolio of writing I’m building or because of the advice I give or the crazy stories on my blog but…ya’ll don’t know me in person… If you did, there’s a 95% chance you would think I was annoying as hell.

I don’ t make friends easily, if at all, but that’s because that’s not high on my priority list. I wish it was sometimes. If it were, I’d probably be better off in my career. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know, right?

I may be agitated because I had to look at people all weekend long as my Mama celebrated Mother’s Day with plenty of mixed drinks and people stopped by to say Hi.

I had to smile, wave, fix drinks, food and be a hostess all weekend long and I..I’m over it now.

Really, I am. Don’t want another visitor and I don’t even want to answer my phone.

Speaking of phones…I don’t know why but I want to change my phone number again. No, there are no stalkers, no craziness, I don’t know…I think I just like the power of being able to close communication.

Sometimes I think I’m going crazy. What kind of weirdo loves being alone so much?

And another thing… I decided to start that new virtual journalism volunteer assignment I was telling you about. The one where I have to help restructure the news team. I still don’t know how I feel about it, but I thought..hey, you can learn something from this and then move on to a project with a better fit.

Once again, tonight I had to email the News Director and tell him that I will not be writing anymore stories for the show. Everytime I tell him, he’s like “Come on Tee. We have so many reporters out, we really need your help.” When he says that I want to SCREAM, “I QUIT THIS SHIT!”

I know that sounds ass backwards since I’m supposed to be restructuring the show, but the way the reporting is done now, the whole broadcast is one big PR show. I HATE PR WRITING!

That’s some fluffy, no content having, school announcement type of writing to me. I guess it’s more like…advertising writing where every event, every person, every idea is the BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD!

When I have to write like that, when I have to do those stories, I literally feel sick in my heart and I want to quit the whole damn news team. It took me forever to decide to stick with it and that’s because I can’t stand the current news style and I would never, ever do anything like that in real life.

I’d rather do math problems.

But I’ve been told that I can change the new team to whatever I want it to be. Complete creative control and complete support from the company president.

~sigh~

Now if only this feeling of dread will go away. You ever tried to go into a company and implement change? That shit isn’t easy. People are resistant to change unless you introduce it the right way. You have to make them feel as though THEY are the ones who came up with the changes and you have to make them feel like they are a PART of the process of implementation. They’re going to hate you regardless. And with me being the lead on this project…man…

I keep trying to tell them, this isn’t a hobby for me. We’re gonna do this right or I won’t be a part of it. I see the end result, I just hope the team is committed. But how could they be? No one is getting paid. This is just one more obstacle on top of another.

So basically I was “hired” to revamp the show, which means I have to go in and tell these people who have already been working very hard for a lot longer than I’ve even known about SL, that everything they’ve done, is going to change.

My goal is to make this new program a program that I would want to watch, and I don’t watch news at all. So this is going to be pretty interesting, won’t it?

If I could just get over this dreadful feeling about it. The root of that feeling is, I’m tired of finding projects that aren’t a good match for me. I’ve done that enough already. I know I’m not good in corporate America because I don’t give a damn what anyone is doing outside of work, wearing to work, or talking about in the break room.

I know that I’m not a good fit for newspapers because I hate writing news stories. They bore me.

I know I’m not a good fit for a magazine manager because, well, maybe I was a good fit, but the process is redundant and I was beginning to be bored.

I know I’m not a good fit for PR because everyday at that PR firm felt like I was being punished for a past like transgression.

I’m not just an admin assistant anymore. Some time ago, I would have been able to be comfortable with that but now, I know I can do so much more.

I’m not a good fit for anything so far and I’ve tried so much.

I don’t want this virtual news thing to be another form of journalism that I’m not successful in.

I understand that you have to have your bad experiences in order to know what you DO want, but I’m just..tired of being the change agent for companies that don’t give a damn about me.

This company could do the same- take all of my great ideas and guidance and as soon as they do get funding..Sorry Tee, we found someone else to take your position.

So why am I doing this again?

Oh yeah…nothing better to do right now.

Ughh..I think I’m in a bad mood right now. Can you feel the yucky vibrations?

I think..I think I just really want to know what the fuck it is that I am supposed to be good at.

What the fuck?

It’s not being sociable, that’s for sure.

It’s not keeping a clean house or cooking great meals.

It’s not keeping a job.

It’s not keeping a man.

Ok.. Chill out chick.

If I were my therapist I’d ask myself, “Can we remember a time when things weren’t so glum?”

My reply to that would be, “To be continued…”

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Highly Sensitive People

Pearl S. Buck, (1892-1973), recipient of the Pulitzer Prize in 1932 and of the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1938, said the following about Highly Sensitive People:

“The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.

To him… a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create – – – so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.” -Pearl S. Buck

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Ms. Tee In a Corner

I’m back in school again. I had no idea classes were going to start so quickly but last week, one of my former classmates emailed me asking if I had class that night.

So I went ahead and got my self together and I started class last week. I’m only taking two classes this summer, this semester I’m taking Marital Therapy and we discuss different approaches to helping people during their marriage.

Today’s class was especially enlightening because we discussed the limbic system and how when it is damaged by a break-up it causes people to experience depression and it physically harms their bodies. Their reaction to this pain is to act out and try to hurt the other person in the relationship, even if they were the one who initiated the break-up.

So if your ex is being extra mean to you, now you know why, they are hurting and they can’t deal with the pain but to transfer it to you. I think it’s subconcious.

Another point we discussed is the fact that most therapists don’t know how to handle marital problems. A lot of them are individual based therapists who focus onthe single person and don’t know how to counsel the couple as a pair.

We treat couples as a team, as one system working together toward a common goal. Individual based therapists only know how to help the single person achieve their personal goals and should not be engaged in Couples Therapy because these are not two individual people, this is a unit.

We also discussed some therapists who try to counself couples but their own view of marriage is biased or neutral. If you are looking for a marriage or couples therapist you should ask the therapist what they think of divorce and if they treat individuals the majority of the time or not.

Some therapists will focus on the problem and try to get the person to leave the marriage inciting therapist induced marital suicide. If your goal is to save your marriage you should ask the therapist if they can make that your focus.

Man…I also learned something very profound about myself. Since I don’t have a therapist anymore, I’ll have to ask my professor what he thinks.

I realize that I don’t like to work in groups. Sure, I can do work that involves me playing my part and passing along my own finished product to other group members, but the social interaction part makes me physically ill. I don’t want to meet on the weekends or call anyone on the phone to discuss. I make it a point to let people that I am working with know that the best form of communication for me is by email.

What am I so afraid of?

Why can’t I casually socialize anymore?

I spoke with Tamara about the situation and she said the way I’m describing myself is not the Tee she knows. I wish I was more like Anna. She can go anywhere and talk to anyone. I can’t do that. When I’m in a situation that doesn’t involve me doing my specific job, I freeze up and go stand in the corner hoping that no one tries to have a conversation with me.

I think I’m still afraid to let people know who I am because I think they will think I’m weird. I am weird in a way and I’m more comfortable with people who already know that about me and have accepted it.

The weirdness comes from the fact that I am always trying to help improve the lives of those around me. I can’t have a conversation about random stuff, I don’t really have an opinion.

Ahh..I’m useless in general chat conversations, all I talk about is being better at whatever it is you’re trying to do.

I need to get help to get over this because it’s affecting my schoolwork. When I enter class now, I get this pain in my heart and it doesn’t go away until I am driving home and finally able to relax because I am alone. I hate group projects and group interactions because I think I’ll have to share a part of me and like I mentioned before, my personality can be a bit overwhelming for people.

Tamara challenged me to try to discover the importance behind being able to relate to people.

“You’re a research person, Tee,” she said. “Once you figure out why it is important to connect, you’ll be able to do it.”

I hope so.

I don’t like feeling like this.

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Appreciative Mode

Man…

Today I experienced the greatest feeling. As I lounged back on my bed working on my articles I smiled to myself as I thought, “Dang, living with my parents ain’t so bad.”

All I have to do is vacuum the floor once in a while and wash the dishes at night. I don’t cook, I don’t do any hard core cleaning and they always cook, I never have to.

Now for a minute as I experienced this extreme appreciation for where I am right now, a little voice said, “But what about your goals? But what about the things you want to do?”

I just said, “Whatever.”

I’m here right now and all I can do is enjoy it.

My children are fine. I’m a straight A student. I’m doing well, working on improving myself.

I need a haircut or a hair-do but..life is pretty good.

Yep, it is.

I’m alright.

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HairPolitic Opening Reception in Brooklyn

I almost cried when I checked my voicemail this evening.

It was a message from Kenya, “Hey Ms. Tee I just want to let you know that I am so feeling your positive vibes about tomorrow. I’m feeling good, I’m relaxed and it’s almost here. I’m feeling you girl. Call me when you get a chance.”

This message was wild because all day long I had been thinking about her and the event she’s putting on in Brooklyn tomorrow.
It’s called Hairpolitic and she actually created the art work that is on display, wrote the grant to be able to fund it, organized the opening at the MoCada and then made all the marketing materials because she’s a designer and then marketed it herself because she is a strategic brand marketer.

I can’t wait to hear all about it!

Good Luck GIRL!
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Mr. Nice Guy

Well…

I think I manifested a nice guy. I met him a long time ago, but never paid him any attention. Now he calls me everyday and does so many nice things for me like cook, take me shopping and gives me whatever I want.

I’m trying not to feel bad about the fact that even though he’s the sweetest man I’ve encountered in a long time, I have absolutely no attraction to him. There is no limbic connection PLUS he wants to live in Miami for the rest of his life.

~shakes head~

Not ME! I want to explore and experience some more and I want my boys to experience different cities and countries too.

Well..I’m not gonna tell him to stop being sweet.

I plan to enjoy it!

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Say Goodbye With Ease

I was chatting with a guy today on SL.

He’s an artist and he just won an art competition. I thought that was pretty hot.

But today he was upset because a woman he met asked him not to contact him again on SL. He started going off about how he doesn’t even like her because she’s involved in SL slavery. He was trying to get me to say how wrong it is and how we should ban together to fight slavery on SL.

I was like… ~shrugs~

First of all, SL is a place people CHOOSE to be. And it’s a place where you can role play your deepest fantasies. Why would I war against people who are choosing to engage in slavery on SL?

He couldn’t understand my point of view. He tried to engage me in an argument that slavery is having no choice over your life and why would anyone choose that.

I shrugged.

They choose it because that’s what they want for their life.

He argued that they need to awaken their mentality and choose life.

I shrugged. I told him that I can’t fight anyone’s battle for them, especially when they don’t believe they have a battle to fight.

Then I told him that he shouldn’t be upset that she removed herself from his life. There were obvious differences in lifestyle and leisure activities. Everyone doesn’t enjoy the same things, why hold on to people if you have to change them to fit into your mold?

I’m kinda into non resistance, man.

If you wanna go away..bye.

If you don’t want me to stay..I’ll leave.

I’m not trying to infringe my lifestyle or choices on you, man.

If I disagree I’ll just fall back from you, man.

No biggie. We just aren’t headed in the same direction. It’s no one’s fault.

Don’t try to hold onto someone who is pushing you away. Though relationships should be a mutual agreement to give love and support, most relationships are built around power. You give away your power when you run behind someone who is not interested in you. They hold all the power because they will not compromise to keep you and you will, just to keep them.

When someone is yours they won’t walk away.

That’s it. Point blank. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true. You don’t have to strategically position yourself or chase anyone down.

You are a powerful magnet for everything that is yours and you have to do nothing but be open to receive, believeing that you deserve every good thing that is about to come into your life.