I can’t sleep. My heart is in turmoil.
Maybe after writing about all of this mess, I’ll be able to relax.
Ok, my Mother’s Day weekend was great. Today my sons and I went to the beach with my sister, her boyfriend and my brother and his wife. We all had a great time and I got to snooze a bit in the sun while they played with my boys.
My sons are always arguing with each other, which is normal I guess for brothers to do, it’s just..I never argued with my brother and sister and I hate listening to them do it. They’re not nasty when they do it, it’s just..why can’t they send out blessings instead of trying to annoy each other all the time?
I don’t get that.
I just don’t get that. WHy do we all have to fuckin try to hurt each other all the time? I don’t give a damn if it is ‘just a joke’? That shit ain’t funny to me. I feel like I’m from another planet or something because no one understands how I feel when I say that sarcasm shit is dumb.
Another thing, my brother’s wife. This was my first time meeting her. Do I like her? Well, I’ll say that I don’t DISLIKE her. She and I both have two children and we’re both women. We also have natural hair. I think that’s about all we have in common. My sister says he could have gotten someone cuter, but to me, she looks just as cute as the rest of the women he’s been with in the past. None of them were ever beauty queen material, but they were ALL crazy over him.
She..she’s alright. We were able to have some random coversations. I wouldn’t roll my eyes when she walks in the door, but I wouldn’t invite her to my birthday party either. And the funny thing is…I think she feels the same way, which made me feel good because I hate when people pretend to like someone when they really don’t. So now I respect her.
Which brings me to another point that I want to make…
There are so many people who write to me and ask me for advice and tell me what a great person I am because of the porfolio of writing I’m building or because of the advice I give or the crazy stories on my blog but…ya’ll don’t know me in person… If you did, there’s a 95% chance you would think I was annoying as hell.
I don’ t make friends easily, if at all, but that’s because that’s not high on my priority list. I wish it was sometimes. If it were, I’d probably be better off in my career. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know, right?
I may be agitated because I had to look at people all weekend long as my Mama celebrated Mother’s Day with plenty of mixed drinks and people stopped by to say Hi.
I had to smile, wave, fix drinks, food and be a hostess all weekend long and I..I’m over it now.
Really, I am. Don’t want another visitor and I don’t even want to answer my phone.
Speaking of phones…I don’t know why but I want to change my phone number again. No, there are no stalkers, no craziness, I don’t know…I think I just like the power of being able to close communication.
Sometimes I think I’m going crazy. What kind of weirdo loves being alone so much?
And another thing… I decided to start that new virtual journalism volunteer assignment I was telling you about. The one where I have to help restructure the news team. I still don’t know how I feel about it, but I thought..hey, you can learn something from this and then move on to a project with a better fit.
Once again, tonight I had to email the News Director and tell him that I will not be writing anymore stories for the show. Everytime I tell him, he’s like “Come on Tee. We have so many reporters out, we really need your help.” When he says that I want to SCREAM, “I QUIT THIS SHIT!”
I know that sounds ass backwards since I’m supposed to be restructuring the show, but the way the reporting is done now, the whole broadcast is one big PR show. I HATE PR WRITING!
That’s some fluffy, no content having, school announcement type of writing to me. I guess it’s more like…advertising writing where every event, every person, every idea is the BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD!
When I have to write like that, when I have to do those stories, I literally feel sick in my heart and I want to quit the whole damn news team. It took me forever to decide to stick with it and that’s because I can’t stand the current news style and I would never, ever do anything like that in real life.
I’d rather do math problems.
But I’ve been told that I can change the new team to whatever I want it to be. Complete creative control and complete support from the company president.
~sigh~
Now if only this feeling of dread will go away. You ever tried to go into a company and implement change? That shit isn’t easy. People are resistant to change unless you introduce it the right way. You have to make them feel as though THEY are the ones who came up with the changes and you have to make them feel like they are a PART of the process of implementation. They’re going to hate you regardless. And with me being the lead on this project…man…
I keep trying to tell them, this isn’t a hobby for me. We’re gonna do this right or I won’t be a part of it. I see the end result, I just hope the team is committed. But how could they be? No one is getting paid. This is just one more obstacle on top of another.
So basically I was “hired” to revamp the show, which means I have to go in and tell these people who have already been working very hard for a lot longer than I’ve even known about SL, that everything they’ve done, is going to change.
My goal is to make this new program a program that I would want to watch, and I don’t watch news at all. So this is going to be pretty interesting, won’t it?
If I could just get over this dreadful feeling about it. The root of that feeling is, I’m tired of finding projects that aren’t a good match for me. I’ve done that enough already. I know I’m not good in corporate America because I don’t give a damn what anyone is doing outside of work, wearing to work, or talking about in the break room.
I know that I’m not a good fit for newspapers because I hate writing news stories. They bore me.
I know I’m not a good fit for a magazine manager because, well, maybe I was a good fit, but the process is redundant and I was beginning to be bored.
I know I’m not a good fit for PR because everyday at that PR firm felt like I was being punished for a past like transgression.
I’m not just an admin assistant anymore. Some time ago, I would have been able to be comfortable with that but now, I know I can do so much more.
I’m not a good fit for anything so far and I’ve tried so much.
I don’t want this virtual news thing to be another form of journalism that I’m not successful in.
I understand that you have to have your bad experiences in order to know what you DO want, but I’m just..tired of being the change agent for companies that don’t give a damn about me.
This company could do the same- take all of my great ideas and guidance and as soon as they do get funding..Sorry Tee, we found someone else to take your position.
So why am I doing this again?
Oh yeah…nothing better to do right now.
Ughh..I think I’m in a bad mood right now. Can you feel the yucky vibrations?
I think..I think I just really want to know what the fuck it is that I am supposed to be good at.
What the fuck?
It’s not being sociable, that’s for sure.
It’s not keeping a clean house or cooking great meals.
It’s not keeping a job.
It’s not keeping a man.
Ok.. Chill out chick.
If I were my therapist I’d ask myself, “Can we remember a time when things weren’t so glum?”
My reply to that would be, “To be continued…”