Share My World

I need to have some fun.

I need a haircut..no.. I don’t. I’m supposed to be growing my dreads.

Well, I need a manly hug. Dang..I have no one to ask for it.

I called my Atlanta friend. The one who I decided wasn’t right for me yet the d**k sho’ll feel right. Hearing his voice made me feel better and then we paused….

Silence…

As we remembered the last time we saw each other…that shit was just about perfect.

Mmm..mmmm….

“I’ll come see you tomorrow,” he said. “Naw.. It’s okay. I’ll be alright.”

And I meant it.

I think my head is hurting so much because I’m beginning a new career in this Second Life journalism. I’m gonna call it Metaverse journalism because it involves reporting on things from the viewpoint of being inside the Metaverse.

Anyway…Metaverse Journalism is equally as rewarding as regular journalism its just..the pay is VIRTUAL money. While I build my portfolio with this particular subjective style, I have to hang in there and recognize that the race is given to those who endure.

I’m just tired…

I have so many new beginnings and so much more to do, my book is halfway done. My parenting blog- needs to be better. I need more articles to do because I’m out of gas. Literally…I can’t drive anywhere. Tamara’s in town and she called me to come over but, I can’t. No gas.

I got Metaverse stories out of the wazoo, but do I get real money for them? NO. Lindens…Lindens… I’m gonna stop writing them. I really am. It’s not worth it. Not for someone who is used to getting PAID for my time and efforts.

I see the promise in this though…I really want to be a part of it..I just want to get some rest too and not have so much on my mind. I’m trying not to even think about the fact that nearly one year after moving back here, I’m no better off than when I came.

At least not financially anyway.

But I am grateful. So grateful that the issues I do have are luxury issues. I’m not over here starving. I’m not over here hearing demonic voices that tell me to kill myself, I’m not handi-capped.

I’m just a brilliant, creative genius with too much talent and not enough time or energy to handle it all.

I need a hug.

I need to see my boys…

Today I received an odd phone call from my son’s school.

“I’m so sorry to do this,” my son’s teacher cooed into the phone. “I really am. Please understand I enjoyed you when you volunteered in my class. Umm..The principal has asked me to let you know that neither you nor the boy’s stepmother are needed for the field trip this week. If you have any questions you can call the principal. Again..I am so sorry about this.”

I explained to her that I understood and that I had to go. I was on the other line in the middle of an interview when she called.

I sat back and thought about it. Yes, this certainly was a cause of concern. My sons are taking a fieldtrip to Orlando this weekend and they asked me to go with them. I hustled up the money to go and paid for the trip months ago and was so excited. My sons also told me that their Daddy’s girlfriend signed up to go on the fieldtrip.

The situation becomes stickly because she is very disrespectful and rude to me whenever she is around me, insulting me, calling me names whenever my BBDD is out of earshot.

So I called up the school principal to see what she had to say. She explained to me that my children’s father called her to warn her that his girlfriend and I have a conflict and that there might be trouble on the fieldtrip. Because he warned her, she had to mediate by letting us both know that we are not welcome to attend the fieldtrip.

We went back and forth for a while, in a civilized manner. I’m asking her how his GIRLFRIEND’s attitude could possibly mean that I can’t attend a fieldtrip with my son and she’s saying that she thought he was my BBDD’s wife and she didn’t want to be in the middle of it since the fieldtrip would be out of town and she wouldn’t be there.

Honestly, I wasn’t too dissappointed. I agree that the situation wasn’t one I was looking forward to but I wanted to go so I would have to deal with it. It’s just a fieldtrip.

I am not in competition with her and never will be. ~shrugs~ There is no competition. I get my money back from that field trip and I get to go and have a nice dinner with my sons for Mother’s Day. Yay me!

But my friends are in a huff because they feel like his girlfriend should not stand in the way of me spending time with my sons.

So let’s figure out what does she get out of being rude? I think maybe she just flat out doesn’t respect me.

And why should she? Whenever she came at me with some BS before I would just be calm and not set her straight, trying to compromise, trying to be the bigger person.

So now she’s playing the bully role..and only because she can’t bully anyone else in her life. I’m a willing participant, PLUS she sees that it bothers me when she makes her nasty comments. In a way I’m a pawn in her little game. She pulls the strings, pushes my buttons and causes me to react in a rash manner to cause confusion between me and my BBDD.

I’m not dramatic like that. I don’t cause confusion intentionally. I’m a peacemaker.

But…the REAL thing that gets me is…

WHY DID MY BBDD CALL THE SCHOOL TO WARN THEM?

He could have pulled his girl to the side and been like, “Hey, you two don’t like each other, why don’t you pull back from this fieldtrip and go on the next one?”

No..he couldn’t say that. He can’t control what she does and he doesn’t have any influence in her decisions. Which leads me to believe..

Wow…My BBDD is not in control of this relationship. He’s a punk.

From what I see, she is the one making all the charges and running shit. I hear he even asked her to marry him and she said No.

It makes perfect sense. Everytime I ask him to talk to her and tell her to stop being disrespectful to me, he never does. Nothing happens. When she is disrespectful to me in front of him, he does nothing. He doesn’t even bat an eye.

She has him by the balls and is probably treating him the way he wanted me to treat him, as though he had to earn my love. I remember him asking me to criticize him more but i refused because..fuck that..I don’t have time. But some guys NEED that argument, that stank attitude in order to feel like they have something worth something.

Sometimes in a relationship, when you act like you don’t care about a person, they run after you even more. To some this looks like POWER, but its really manipulation.

Who wants to keep running from someone they really want? Who wants to play this game forever?

I am a person of compromise in every situation. Some people see that as being weak, but I’ll do anything to make peace. I can’t wait to meet someone who appreciates that quality instead of seeing it as a flaw.

Wow. This seriously makes me look at him differently.

To think…

All those years…I was running after him, hoping he’d love me…and THIS CHICK is the chick that gets him to be a punk… Wow.

I lost major respect for him today. I mean, he did the right thing by tattling on us, because it saved the school some heartache because I was ready for whatever…I don’t care anymore…but he showed that he can’t handle his business himself…which is fucked up.

Who run that shit? He sure doesn’t.

I wish them both well. They truly deserve each other.

Hey ya’ll, I’m back on the mic sharing my world.

Check me out.

powered by ODEO

I don’t know what to do.

I have this job offer, well, it’s sort of a job offer. It’s a company that I made contact with that works through Second Life and they want me to come on and help out with their virtual news division. While the company is a start-up and has not received any capital funding yet, the amount of money they offered me, “contingent upon receiving funding” is a really good amount of money, in REAL LIFE money.

It’s kinda what I asked for.. a creative opportunity to come my way that will utilize my gifts of writing, management and being a visionary. And it will allow me to work from home because the company is based in New York. Well, considering that they do receive funding. ~crossing my fingers for them~

The concept of this business is beautiful and I really see it going far…

But the only thing is.. I hate news.

I hate watching the news. I hate writing news stories. I hate that it’s so boring.

I’ve written about five stories for their news division so far and I’ve loathed writing each and every one of them. I’m not writing anymore news stories. I told them that. I just don’t like doing that.

I’m trying to relax and allow the universe to guide me, but I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomache when I think about it, but that’s only because it’s NEWS and I hate news.

On the flip side, I know I’ll do a good job. I do a good job at everything I try to do, so I know I’ll be an asset to their company. But I don’t know why I have this hurting feeling in my heart, this feeling that’s telling me don’t do it.

But I can’t turn down a job offer, especially THIS one because its so close to what I really want to do and it directly aligns with my current career as a journalist.

And the thing is I really do want to help them realize their dream because I think it’s an important and phenomenal addition to the field of journalism.

But they want me to start working NOW, before they can pay me, which I don’t mind, it’s just…I don’t want to commit to a project and then have to quit it when something I really like comes along.

Kim says I have to learn to say No, Which I really have a hard time doing since I LOVE helping people accomplish their dreams.

I don’t know what to do.

1. Take this job, work it hard and hope that it turns into something that I’ll enjoy.
2. Take this job and focus on the fact that it’s bringing something unique to my journalism portfolio.
3. Leave this opportunity because it doesn’t get me to where I am trying to go; I never wanted to do news and even if I take this, I won’t ever do news again if I leave it.
4. Focus on receiving the money and forget about what I want.
5. Help them achieve their dream and worry about my own later.
6. Fuck everybody and only do what makes me happy and will add to my long term career goals.

I don’t know. I feel bad about it.

I could add so much to thier business, but at the same time, I won’t enjoy myself at all.

I don’t know what to do.

I’ll never forget being at this guy’s house last September. I went into his bathroom to use it and I whipped out my phone and dialed my sister’s number in distress, “Is this ALL I deserve?!” I whined to her, referring to the state of this man’s house.

“This ain’t luxury!” I cried.

I was so dissappointed in myself for even being there although he was very nice to me.

My sister laughed at me and said, “You act like you just woke up after five years of marriage and realized what kind of life you got. You ain’t stuck with him. You can leave!”

And I left.

Quickly.

I guess this story crossed my mind today because I’ve been thinking about how much more peaceful my life is when I’m not dating or screwing anyone. I don’t have any drama, except for the drama I have to listen to in my friend’s lives, and I never have to worry about a dude smothering me or not liking me.

I don’t know. It really does feel nice having some positive attention from a man. I just think my standards are so high that even if he’s really nice to me, I want MORE, I want him to be nice AND have a banging career and an attitude of prosperity.

Damn these broke ass- no goal having- nice dudes!

I’ma stay single…

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a reflective mood like this.

I just got off the phone with Michael. He’s in Philadelphia now visiting friends and he couldn’t sleep so he called me to chat.

The conversation went all over the place, it’s usually about ME because..I don’t know why..maybe I dominate the conversation …but at one point we started talking about values and how everyone’s values are different and should be respected.

What do I value the most?

My peace of mind.

My sons.

The nurturing of my dream.

Everything else ain’t that important. It’s really not.

I’m not the easiest person to be around, it takes a lot of patience to be my friend but I do have friends, real friends, the kind that stick around, curse you out when you need it, but love you through everything.

Kim and I had a fight the other day. Not a real fight but I was very upset with her because when she’s emotional, it affects me and I have to go through it and then she’s done and I’m still left hanging on to her emotions.

Like, she broke up with her boyfriend again. This is like the 100th time she did that. She always says, “I know I can do better.” But then she gets right back with him and I’m standing there like, “Bitch don’t make me ride on your rollercoaster. You’re making me lose respect for him. If you can throw him away at any time, then how does that show that he’s worth something?”

Although the words were heated, we always end our conversations with a blessing. That’s love.

I have so much love around me. Even from my Mama who likes to pretend like she isn’t loving. When she makes me a mixed drink, I know that’s her way of saying she loves me. When she invites me to watch a movie, even though she makes me sit on the floor because, “I’m the queen and only the queen sits on the bed” she’s just being herself.

I don’t know. A lot of stuff just doesn’t bother me anymore.

What’s really important?

Is it really what other people think about you or the life you’re trying to live?

Is it really that person that you want to love you so bad, but they won’t?

Is it really how someone else treats you?

Man… I learned that when problems arise in a relationship, it’s usually because one person wants something from the other person. When the other person won’t give it, the first person feels angry because they know in their heart the person HAS it in them to give, but they feel powerless to make them give it.

Just chill out.

Don’t try to make anyone give something they don’t want to give. Just relax… Don’t force anyone to feel how you want them to feel. Just step back…

I’m so tired of trying to live up to how you think I should feel.

I don’t feel like that.

I just want peace.

I don’t want to fight.

I have nothing to fight for because everything that I want and need has always been given. Look at me. I ain’t struggling. And the best part is..I’m at peace emotionally.

Do you know what it feels like to wake up everyday and be happy with yourself? And then to look around and hear others who tell you that you shouldn’t be happy with what you got only because they aren’t happy with what they got.

I’m cool with mine.

I’m crazy, I know. I’m emotional. Sho’ll nuff. I’m bossy. I’m messy. I get frustrated when people aren’t working to their full potential and their work ethic affects me.

I’m not friendly by a long shot. And I never try to be. I don’t want to be.

But I also don’t try to impart my values into anyone else’s life unless they ask me.

You may have to fight for yours, but I don’t.

Mine comes to me easily, under grace in perfect ways and no matter what the situation I truly believe if I choose to look for it, I can see how it can benefit me.

Take a look at the situation with my son’s fieldtrip. Everyone flipped the hell out and told me to fight and bring the police and cuss and fuss. For what?

It was THEIR emotions that made me feel uneasy. My intial reaction was, “Hey, he’s at it again. He’s such a punk but whatever.” But everyone was more riled up than I was.

But it’s the principle, Tee.

But who would I be proving my principle to? To her? To him? To the school? I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Who am I trying to impress?

He knows what he did was foul. She knows how she acts is foul. They can present their case to anyone in the world and make it look all shiny and new, but when they’re laying in bed late at night, their heart flitters and they know what the truth is.

I’m not concerned with what I look like in the light.

I’m more concerned with not being able to handle the silence of the dark.

So as I sit here I’m hoping that my friends can learn to let go and just..go with the flow..I’m hoping that the words of others won’t affect us all so much.

I’m hoping for everyone to just chill the hell out and learn to say EVERYTHING IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

It really ain’t.

I would like a new cell phone.

Something cool and sleek with a nice keypad thats great for texting. Although I don’t know who I’ll text. Maybe Kim.

So let me work on manifesting one..

Cell phone..
Mmmm…
Pleasure..
Mmmm…
Cell phone…
Mmmm…
Fun…
Mmm…
Fun with my new cell phone…
Unlimited minutes…
Mmmmm…
Checking my emails on the go…
Mmmm…
Using twitter on the go…
Mmmmm…
Cell phone pics….
Sharing pics…
Blackberry Curve…
Mmmm..
Delight…
Joy…
Delight….
On the go…
Traveling with my hi-tech cell phone…
Mmmm….
Unlimited texting….
Cell phone…
It’s MINE! I can see it!
It’s so cute!
I show it off!
I pay my bills in advance!
My phone is never turned off…
Mmmm…
Someone’s calling me, hold on…
Mmmm….
Hold up, I got a text message…
Mmmm..
Hollup…this chick is stalking me!
Mmmmm….
Uh uh..Ima send that hoe to voice mail cuz I told her about calling me this early in the mornin’
Mmmm…
OMG! Look at what Tamara just forwarded me! These must be for her man, She’s in a g-string!
Delight…
Joy….
Cell phone….
Mmmmm….

Thanks God!

My heart is hurting so much right now.

I was looking for links to A Course In Miracles on Oprah’s site and I followed a link that read: Forgiveness in Action. There I read about 9 stories of people who forgave horrible acts and those who committed the acts and were forgiven.

Fuck!

I hate being convicted in my heart and it pisses me off that my concious always tells me to do the right thing when doing the wrong thing seems to bring so much satisfaction.

Who do I need to forgive?

Man..I can’t.

Yes, I can.

I want to. But if I forgive, it’ll make me feel like they won.

When I do forgive, I feel like a punk. I don’t feel empowered. Especially when you have to keep forgiving the same person for doing the same things over and over again.

From what I’ve READ, forgiving is actually empowering yourself because if you don’t forgive, the memory of the wrong-doing has control over your life.

And yet again..I’m not a perfect chick. And I was forgiven when my emotions got the best of me, so how can I not do the same.

And it’s not like I don’t understand the fact that those who seek to intentionally hurt someone else, are desperately hurting in their own lives. It’s quite apparent.

Even here, on my blog. Whenever I’m trashing my BBDD or his girl, HyperChick, it’s really because I’m hurting. And whenever they are trashing me, for some reason, they are hurting too. But I can’t figure out how the hell I ever hurt them.

Well, let’s examine some of the reasons why people can affect me in a negative way.

They have something I want and I don’t believe I can have it or deserve it.

I want them to see me in a certain light and they don’t. This frustrates me.

I want their approval or support and they don’t give it to me.

They don’t seek to understand things from my perspective.

The person is not treating me the way I treat them.

Did you notice a common theme in all of those reasons?

Yes! You got it. My dissatisfaction comes from the fact that I WANT someone else to behave in a certain way and they are not doing it.

The only way to let go of the root of this disatisfaction which eventually ends up in being hurt by someone else…is to LET GO OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS for them.

WANT NOTHING.

WANT NOTHING but for them to be who they are.

Consider everything they say and do as a gift of giving themselves to you.

If you don’t like what they are giving you, exchange it for something better.

That’s all.

~shrugs~

Apparently a young woman referred to as angry souljah girl was high on the Marta train in Atlanta and someone captured it on video.This is wild as hell! My mouth was open the entire time I watched it.Strangely enough…everytime I heard the word ‘shawty’ I thought about JB. He used to call me shawty and I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED IT!~sigh~But this girl is wild!

I’m chatting with Anna on messenger today when I told her how happy I was that it was raining.

Tee: I love it when it rains in Miami!

Anna: Rain in Miami ain’t good for nothing but making babies.

Tee: LOL Damn, I don’t even remember that last time I had secks.

Ohhhh…Yes I do.

~frown~

That’s how I got that UTI a month ago.

Tee: Girl, I remember now. That man had a big ‘ol thang and he sure didn’t do anything with it. I never came, not once.

Anna: He sure did you wrong. I would have taught that boy like a military drill seargent. Then he woulda been gettin all the p***y from other chicks and leave me.

Tee: Girl, I tried. He kept saying, ‘I was taught to take my time and to respect women.’

Tee: I was like, ‘You gotta call me a bitch or it won’t work honey.’

Anna: LOL