It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a reflective mood like this.
I just got off the phone with Michael. He’s in Philadelphia now visiting friends and he couldn’t sleep so he called me to chat.
The conversation went all over the place, it’s usually about ME because..I don’t know why..maybe I dominate the conversation …but at one point we started talking about values and how everyone’s values are different and should be respected.
What do I value the most?
My peace of mind.
My sons.
The nurturing of my dream.
Everything else ain’t that important. It’s really not.
I’m not the easiest person to be around, it takes a lot of patience to be my friend but I do have friends, real friends, the kind that stick around, curse you out when you need it, but love you through everything.
Kim and I had a fight the other day. Not a real fight but I was very upset with her because when she’s emotional, it affects me and I have to go through it and then she’s done and I’m still left hanging on to her emotions.
Like, she broke up with her boyfriend again. This is like the 100th time she did that. She always says, “I know I can do better.” But then she gets right back with him and I’m standing there like, “Bitch don’t make me ride on your rollercoaster. You’re making me lose respect for him. If you can throw him away at any time, then how does that show that he’s worth something?”
Although the words were heated, we always end our conversations with a blessing. That’s love.
I have so much love around me. Even from my Mama who likes to pretend like she isn’t loving. When she makes me a mixed drink, I know that’s her way of saying she loves me. When she invites me to watch a movie, even though she makes me sit on the floor because, “I’m the queen and only the queen sits on the bed” she’s just being herself.
I don’t know. A lot of stuff just doesn’t bother me anymore.
What’s really important?
Is it really what other people think about you or the life you’re trying to live?
Is it really that person that you want to love you so bad, but they won’t?
Is it really how someone else treats you?
Man… I learned that when problems arise in a relationship, it’s usually because one person wants something from the other person. When the other person won’t give it, the first person feels angry because they know in their heart the person HAS it in them to give, but they feel powerless to make them give it.
Just chill out.
Don’t try to make anyone give something they don’t want to give. Just relax… Don’t force anyone to feel how you want them to feel. Just step back…
I’m so tired of trying to live up to how you think I should feel.
I don’t feel like that.
I just want peace.
I don’t want to fight.
I have nothing to fight for because everything that I want and need has always been given. Look at me. I ain’t struggling. And the best part is..I’m at peace emotionally.
Do you know what it feels like to wake up everyday and be happy with yourself? And then to look around and hear others who tell you that you shouldn’t be happy with what you got only because they aren’t happy with what they got.
I’m cool with mine.
I’m crazy, I know. I’m emotional. Sho’ll nuff. I’m bossy. I’m messy. I get frustrated when people aren’t working to their full potential and their work ethic affects me.
I’m not friendly by a long shot. And I never try to be. I don’t want to be.
But I also don’t try to impart my values into anyone else’s life unless they ask me.
You may have to fight for yours, but I don’t.
Mine comes to me easily, under grace in perfect ways and no matter what the situation I truly believe if I choose to look for it, I can see how it can benefit me.
Take a look at the situation with my son’s fieldtrip. Everyone flipped the hell out and told me to fight and bring the police and cuss and fuss. For what?
It was THEIR emotions that made me feel uneasy. My intial reaction was, “Hey, he’s at it again. He’s such a punk but whatever.” But everyone was more riled up than I was.
But it’s the principle, Tee.
But who would I be proving my principle to? To her? To him? To the school? I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Who am I trying to impress?
He knows what he did was foul. She knows how she acts is foul. They can present their case to anyone in the world and make it look all shiny and new, but when they’re laying in bed late at night, their heart flitters and they know what the truth is.
I’m not concerned with what I look like in the light.
I’m more concerned with not being able to handle the silence of the dark.
So as I sit here I’m hoping that my friends can learn to let go and just..go with the flow..I’m hoping that the words of others won’t affect us all so much.
I’m hoping for everyone to just chill the hell out and learn to say EVERYTHING IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
It really ain’t.