My heart is hurting so much right now.
I was looking for links to A Course In Miracles on Oprah’s site and I followed a link that read: Forgiveness in Action. There I read about 9 stories of people who forgave horrible acts and those who committed the acts and were forgiven.
Fuck!
I hate being convicted in my heart and it pisses me off that my concious always tells me to do the right thing when doing the wrong thing seems to bring so much satisfaction.
Who do I need to forgive?
Man..I can’t.
Yes, I can.
I want to. But if I forgive, it’ll make me feel like they won.
When I do forgive, I feel like a punk. I don’t feel empowered. Especially when you have to keep forgiving the same person for doing the same things over and over again.
From what I’ve READ, forgiving is actually empowering yourself because if you don’t forgive, the memory of the wrong-doing has control over your life.
And yet again..I’m not a perfect chick. And I was forgiven when my emotions got the best of me, so how can I not do the same.
And it’s not like I don’t understand the fact that those who seek to intentionally hurt someone else, are desperately hurting in their own lives. It’s quite apparent.
Even here, on my blog. Whenever I’m trashing my BBDD or his girl, HyperChick, it’s really because I’m hurting. And whenever they are trashing me, for some reason, they are hurting too. But I can’t figure out how the hell I ever hurt them.
Well, let’s examine some of the reasons why people can affect me in a negative way.
They have something I want and I don’t believe I can have it or deserve it.
I want them to see me in a certain light and they don’t. This frustrates me.
I want their approval or support and they don’t give it to me.
They don’t seek to understand things from my perspective.
The person is not treating me the way I treat them.
Did you notice a common theme in all of those reasons?
Yes! You got it. My dissatisfaction comes from the fact that I WANT someone else to behave in a certain way and they are not doing it.
The only way to let go of the root of this disatisfaction which eventually ends up in being hurt by someone else…is to LET GO OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS for them.
WANT NOTHING.
WANT NOTHING but for them to be who they are.
Consider everything they say and do as a gift of giving themselves to you.
If you don’t like what they are giving you, exchange it for something better.
That’s all.
~shrugs~