Share My World

When I was in Houston all the people who were from Houston would say they hated Dallas. And the people I met who were from Dallas said they hated Houston.

I used to wonder, “Why all the hate?” But now I see that these are completely different cities.

I lived in Houston for exactly 3 months and my first impression was that it was dusty but I remember how I loved driving down Richmond on the way to work at the Breakfast Klub. I loved that job! I think I just love to work period- but that job was cool because I didn’t have to think, all I had to do was smile and act like a star. I would be outside in the cold handing out menus to the long, LONG line of people waiting to get in and I’d tell them about the breakfast specials. I loved it!

Except for when they stared to train me to work the cash register. I couldn’t stand still that long and I got dizzy.

I loved that job…Too bad I only worked there for 3 weeks. My poor body couldn’t take the physical labor. I should have known it would go down like that. The last time I had a physical labor job I was a hostess at Bennigans and that was before I had my children.

I tried other physical labor jobs. When I lived in Atlanta I tried being a stock person at Bath & Body Works but I quit after 2 hours because I became so dizzy standing there stocking shelves and I felt like I would faint.

It reminds me of the time I worked at the PR firm in Miami, one day they asked me to build a database of media and I froze. I couldn’t do it! It was like my mind got stuck. I sat there staring at the big book of numbers and after an hour I only had 4 names on my list. What is it with me and that kind of repititive work? I just can’t do the same thing over and over again, it makes me literally sick.

But Dallas is different from Houston in that the roads are a lot smoother to drive on. I haven’t seen as many Asian people here as there are in Houston either. The hostel in Houston is a whole lot nicer than the ones here. In Dallas there are two hostels, one on Bachman Lake and one in Irving and I’ve stayed at them both. The one in Irving is filthy. And I say that knowing that I’m not the chick to clean up. I would be taking a shower like…ewww!

I don’t think Houston is prettier than Dallas. The style of homes here is much nicer. This area is all spread out and it’s not crowded and busy like Miami is.

It is HOT AS HELL in Texas. It’s not like the heat in Miami.

The other day I got in my car and looked at my temperature gauge:

It doesn’t get this hot in Miami. The heat here feels like clam chowder soup. My lungs took a while to adjust to it. The men here in Dallas are cuties, but they are generally shorter than they are in Houston. All of the men I met there were TALL but here they are more my speed although I don’t really wish to date anyone else after my first dating encounter.The Black people in Dallas aren’t trashy looking, meaning, although they wear those ghetto flip flops that I hate, the ones with the big flowers on the front, at least their feet aren’t ashy. The children all look respectable and not thuggish at all. I haven’t seen one fist fight or road side gang bang since I’ve gotten here which is a Big difference from Miami.The area I live in is pretty nice. There’s an even mixture of white folks and Blacks and there’s plenty to do right up the street in Addison. I’m glad I live on the north side of Dallas.You can have a brand new home built here for under 200k. That’s less than Kim paid for her condo on the north side of Chicago and way less than you’ll pay for a shack in Miami.The expressways here..I still haven’t figured them out. Atlanta was a very easy city to navigate. There was 285 that went in one big circle and then I-20 split the circle in half. 85 and 75 criss crossed the city and there was a road called 400 that went from the middle to the north.Here the expressways don’t have enough signs to let you know what road you are on. In Florida, the interstates are full of signs so I never got lost. Some of their roads have the name SPUR. I wonder why they call it that. Is it because it’s Texas and they are known for being cowboys?People in Texas are so proud of their state. They have Texas flags on everything. One of the ladies I met while I lived in the hostel said that Texans are the most arrogant people alive.There are a lot of Mexicans here, but they usually stay in their part of town, near Northwest Highway around Webb Chapel Road. I lived there when I first got here and I rarely saw a Black person.
The Galleria Mall here doesn’t compare to the one in Houston. But the North Park Mall is off the hook! I need to go back there just to browse.I haven’t explored the museums downtown, but I know the ones in Houston are very nice. The Museum District in Houston is beautiful, they have this cyber cafe that I used to go there on the regular. I haven’t found any internet cafes here but I haven’t really looked either.I have a great time everytime I go out in Dallas, except for this one event I went put on by the Kappas called the Kappa Kasino. I don’t think I enjoyed it because I’m not into playing games.I like Dallas more than any other city I’ve lived in…it has the small town feel but there’s plenty to do. I haven’t ran into the college crowd which I love because I am soooo over partying with college students. In Houston that’s all I saw at the clubs.Who knows what will happen next week…but for now I’m glad I’m here.

I’m up extra early this morning. I have an important goal for today that I don’t want to procrastinate on and…I had an amazing dream last night that had me smiling when I woke up.

I dreamt that I was in a hotel in Miami and guess who walked in? Kanye West. We chatted easily like old friends and I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t acting like a groupie. I have Kanye’s contact information but I just couldn’t call him up to request an interview because..I don’t think I was ready. But the dream showed me that maybe I am. Nah…I don’t want to embarrass myself.

I’m not in love with him. I just admire his spirit and boldness and the message behind his songs. The chick he’s with is exactly the type of chick I would imagine him with and I hope she’s treating him well.

I got a call from an old friend yesterday but the phone call was the same as the rest. “You need to get it together. You need to go to church. You need to focus on God and get right with Him.”

This woman has obviously had no contact with me in a long time. Instead of being offended I just thought to myself, “This woman loves me and is speaking out of concern. She’d rather I be “safe” than where I am now and the only way she knows to success is what she has been doing.”

I’m learning to just listen and nod my head when people call to give me their opinions on what I should do with my life. I’m still going to do what I want to do anyway, why sit there and defend myself? They just don’t think like I do and that’s okay.

I need to sort out a few simple truths in my life. Maybe if I get them down on paper, I can face them and God can help me deal with them.

1. I’m not completely focused on my career like I should be. I make plans and pray plenty but the thought of my children without me causes me to stall and second guess myself. I know that they are fine..actually he’s doing a great job with them, but I want to be a part of that too. In my heart I know I’m doing the right thing because they are in a stable home environment and their Daddy has more patience than I do when it comes to schoolwork and exposing them to different cities and activities. I’m grateful for who he is and the fact that even though we didn’t work out, he’s being a great Daddy to his sons.

At the same time this bothers me because I want to feel like a successful parent too. The bottom line is, he had 6 years to get himself together. He worked for 3 different law firms during that time and finally made a home for himself. I never had that chance because I just had to take what job I could get to feed my sons. I won’t go back to them empty handed. I’ll have lots to show for the time I’ve been away and we’ll have security because my source will not be some random job, it’ll be the gift that God gave me and that will never be depleted.

2. I want to go to church but I’m raging against the machine (my friends) who come to me giving me directives that I NEED to get my behind in church. I don’t like to be told what to do. It seems as though after all of these years, some of my friends haven’t figured that out yet. I already make it a habit NOT to call anyone for encouragement, except a few select friends and my sister. Everyone else, I just wait for them to call me and I get to hear things like,”Are you living on the streets yet?”

It bothers me that even though I have never actively called someone to give them direction on their life or even battle with them about what they believe, I still have to defend myself. I hate aggressive communicators. You can get a lot farther with me by showing me love and speaking softly.

3. I’m supposed to be focused on my career and getting there but I’m also sidetracked by my desire to have the support of a wonderful man. Maybe I’m not supposed to feel this way but I do. I think it stems from the fact that all of my life it’s been me in opposition to men. Me, Ms. Little against these BIG BLACK MEN who hurl insults at me and try to control me. I never had a man who covered me and wanted to be my friend.

I’m always standing there toe to toe with them, my fists balled up, tense, trying to stand my ground. My personality type in the Enneagram says that I am looking for a rescuer. That’s true in a sense. I would love to meet ONE man who wants to be sweet to me, protect me, stand up for me and guide me to success instead of control me and punish me for not doing what he says. I want someone I can run to. I feel like I’m always just out here…being beaten up and no one to fall back on. I guess that’s God’s way to teach me how to lean on Him. But I’d like to feel safe around a man. I have yet to experience that. I’m always on guard for the attack.

4. I don’t want to date anymore men. Well..at least for a while. Lunch was great, it’s always good to have food but the type of men I attract are all wrong for me. I keep repeating the same mistakes. If I decide to date anyone again at least its going to be someone that I am attracted to so when he tries to put his hands on me (as they all do), at least I won’t be repulsed. I always try to be fair and give men I’m not attracted to a chance to be my friend and get to know me. I’m not doing that anymore. If I’m not attracted to you I’m not dealing with you. That saves him the embarrassment of being pushed away and saves me the annoyance of having to tell him that I’m not interested in him like that.

When I meet a man in social situations, he has no idea that I’m smart, loyal and driven, all he sees are these pretty green eyes and sexy demeanor. You don’t know how hard I try NOT to be sexy. I am offended when men call me SEXY, as if it’s a compliment. It’s a dirty remark to me. When I’m around men, even in the summer, I wear long sleeves, jeans and a hat. I try to be demanding and boyish so they won’t think of sex when they’re with me, but it never works. I don’t know if it’s just me or if all men think of all women in a sexual context.

5. I’m at peace with my life right now even though everyone thinks I’m crazy. I have no fears because everything that could happen has already happened. I’ve been hungry, homeless, unemployed and lonely. With the exception of my personal safety, I have nothing to worry about because I can handle anything. I guess I should see the strength in that statement, huh?

6. I’m not sure I want to be famous anymore. It was never really a desire..I just always felt in my heart that I would become a public figure, it wasn’t a goal, I always felt that it was a given considering the gifts that I have. But looking at how crazy the lives of celebrities are…maybe I should just chill out and just…write.

I don’t want people posting pics of me and my children on the beach or making fun of my jelly belly in the tabloids. Writers don’t get the media exposure but they can make just as much money as celebrities if they have a good product. ~sigh~ I’m saying all this even though I know it’s not my choice whether or not I become a public figure. If that is what is in the stars for me then I will accept that and hope that I am ready to take the good with the bad.

~exhale~

I’m so glad I got that out. Writing is such a sweet release.

I took a mental health break today. I turned off my phone and my computer and I canceled my interviews so that I could get a handle on my nerves.

It rarely happens but for some reason the magnitude of my dreams overwhelmed me. I have so many gifts that I want to give. I’m talented in so many areas yet…I still haven’t found the right place to give them.

What happens when you know that everything you touch turns to gold? What happens when you know that you can achieve anything your mind focuses on and you’ve seen evidence of it because everything you’ve done has exploded in brilliance? It’s an overwhelming feeling to know that you can do anything because your mind begins to spew out possibilities left and right and you feel obligated to complete them all.

If I were good at just ONE THING, I could expend all of my energy on that thing, but if I’m passionate about communication across the board, I have to choose carefully the things that I focus my time on.

One of my gifts is my ability to be transparent. It’s as though the door to my soul is wide open. I share completely and honestly with anyone who wants to know me. At the same time, the open door creates a problem because people see it and feel that they have a right to come in and deposit whatever they wish to. Their opinions don’t sway me, they just annoy me for the most part.

Here I sit in the middle of a storm and because of the gusting winds and pouring rain I can’t see what direction I should travel. I am reminded that I should sit patiently and wait, reflecting on the lessons that I have learned and the paths that I have taken that I know didn’t garner positive results. When the storm ends, I will once again see clearly my next move.

I tell God that I trust Him to lead me but really I’m impatient and frustrated while waiting for His lead. I can remember so many times before when I have tried to make decisions for myself and all doors were closed to me.

Today I decided that I will not make a decision. My fingers cripple at the thought because I am used to making a choice and sticking to it. My next move is not my choice. I have planted seeds across the country and I will try my best to wait, believing that God’s perfect plan will manifest itself in His perfect timing just as it has always done.

In my heart I’d like to leave here and just consider it another chapter of my life that has ended. I’d like to put this life lesson behind me and go somewhere else and sit back and look on what happened in amazement like all of the other seasons of my life. But this season hasn’t ended yet, the chapter is not completed. I’m not writing my own script and I have to allow these last few scenes to play out.

I still read THE GAME OF LIFE AND HOW TO PLAY IT. It teaches that when you ask God for an answer, you should sit still and wait for a definite lead. Since I have no other options I am forced to adhere to this teaching but as I do I have to remind myself that God is real and soverign and He will answer my prayer.

It’s funny how I can be all alone in a city but still be content. There is nothing that I lack in social interaction, I’m content with being alone and I revel in it simply because I am used to it at this point.

I sit and I wait, remembering all of the other times that I was in this same situation and things worked out so much better than I ever planned. I wonder why I’m on this journey alone but I guess I’ll continue to wonder until it is revealed to me.

Maybe that’s why I was raised the way I was. Maybe my Stepfather’s aggression prepared me all those years ago, to maintain myself for this very moment. If I had my parents to fall back on, I would. If I had a man to run to, I would. If I had anything to rely on, I would stop and take a break but….when you don’t have any of that you are forced to move forward.

So I thank God right now for my past that presented so much aggression. It hardened me to the point where I feel that I can lift boulders and move mountains. While I appreciate it, I sure can’t wait until I can relax and be taken care of.

Be taken care of…

Wow… As much as I love to take care of others, I really can’t imagine having the favor returned. But I’ll try to start imagining it and share what my fantasies become.

Boy…Life is a trip!

When I used to run my old website, Justsaved.com, I was honored to present the inspirational true stories of men and women who had overcome adversity and wanted to share their growth in Christ.

If you read this blog daily for inspiration, I’m sure you have a story of hope to share too. Please send in those stories about how your dark days turned to bright ones and the methods you used to remain hopeful during the storms of life.

I will post these encouraging words right here in the days to come. I hope you will allow your miracle to bless others. Open up and bless us with your testimonies.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Your Sister,

Ms. Tee

Today was such a wonderful day.

I slept most of the morning because I was up all night trying to figure out why I couldn’t “imagine” how this situation could turn out positively. My imagination is usually very extravagant but for the life of me I couldn’t conjure up any images of a positive transition.

I decided to do an internet search to find other bloggers who believe in the power of projection and expectation in the spirit realm and lo and behold, behold and lo- I found one!

I was so excited to find The Universal Flow! She was a journalist like me and now she is a life coach. She is a lover of my girl Florence Scovel Shinn, the metaphyisican and author of The Game Of Life & How To Play It. This is amazing to me because I rarely find other bloggers who think and live like I do.

Right now she is blogging about manifesting her mate. She decided to record the process for all of her readers, believing in faith that it will come to pass.

Reading her blog caused me to reflect on my own desire for companionship and support from a man. I decided at that moment that there’s nothing wrong with wanting that.

I heard of people compiling lists of the qualities they’d like to see in their future mate but I thought that was for the desperate who were trying to pacify their desires by making up some imaginary man. Last night I said, “It won’t hurt.” So I started my list.

Let me tell you–it was soooo much fun!

It literally lifted my spirits to write about all the ways that we will be perfect for each other and how my personality, body and gifts were made just right for him. More than a MUST-HAVE list for men, it’s really a sign that I know what I want and a sign to God that I believe I will receive it.

Today I told Tamara about my list and she said that she couldn’t make one because she didn’t know what she wanted. I suggested that she take a look at her close friendships and pull out those qualities that cause her to love them unconditionally. Then I suggested that she look at past relationships and see what made her love them too.

I believe all signs of those characteristics point to the one you were destined to receive.

I’d marry my friends if they had penis’s!

I’d marry Tamara because:

She is always so even tempered. No matter how emotional I get or how flustered I am she never returns those same emotions to me. If I’m frustrated and taking it out on her, she’ll simply stop me and ask sofly, “What’s wrong? You seem upset.” Her temperate spirit always calms me down and no matter what we go through, we trust that each has the other’s best interest at heart. She never hides things from me even when she knows I will disagree. She will still let me into the truth of her heart and that honors me. She loves me unconditionally and that is the truth.

I’d marry Kim because:

Kim is like my future husband in female form, beautiful, sophisticated and always encouraging. She NEVER has a negative word to say-EVER. And even when I do things that she doesn’t necessarily think are wise, she will flip it and explain to me how my actions could turn out to be a blessing. She doesn’t believe there are mistakes, just lessons to be learned. She holds me high up on a pedestal and believes in my dreams FOR ME when I sometimes lose heart. Everytime she talks about her bright future she always mentions that I am right there sharing it with her. I love her everyday for that.

I’d marry Anna because:

Anna is that ride or die chick. If you want to have a good time, you know you can call Anna and she will deliver. If you want to go to church, she’s right there to praise God with you. If you want to smoke a blunt, she’ll roll it up and pass it. She never judges and never discourages you from doing what you want to do. Her motto is, “It’s your life. Live it!” She is never mean spirited, NEVER. She only likes to bless people.

I’d marry Ruby because:

She listens to me and encourages me in every way. Once we got into an aggressive conversation, I shut down and told her, “I don’t like that.” She never did it again. She speaks softly to me and just like Anna, she’s down for the cause! Although we both have dominant personalities, we don’t clash like I do with other friends who are dominant. I usually allow her to take the drivers seat because I trust her judgement and she always says that I am so easy to hang with because of that. It’s about trusting that she is not going to put me in a situation where I am uncomfortable. She knows me well enough to anticipate what will make me happy and she does those things for me without me even asking.

I wouldn’t marry my Ex Bernard, but I do enjoy having conversations with him more than any other man I know. He is so damn smart! I love hearing his opinion and he knows how to explain things to me in a way that is easy to understand without judging me harshly because I don’t know about those things. He loves to discuss world issues and politics and how they affect our race. He’s an independent thinker like I am, unafraid to toss aside the beliefs that society forces on us and he’s confident enough to know what he likes and not settle for anything less.

I love my friend Lem because he is the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally. Even when I hurt him in the past, he never deserted me. He spoils me. I can’t mention a need without him offering to take care of it or at least pray for me about it. He always reminds me that no matter who he is with, I will forever hold a place in his heart.

I wouldn’t marry my BBDD, but I’d like a man who is intelligent like him. He’s also charming and I love the way he laughs. He’s a great father and exposes our children to things I never experienced as a child. He’s very much ambitious. Even though he’s big and black, he doesn’t come across as intimidating. He honors people all the time and I admire that quality in men.

If my friend Mike weren’t already married, I’d marry him because he is so sweet to me. When I told him that may be moving back to Miami, he immediatey offered to make a set of CD’s for my road trip with handpicked songs that he’d like to expose me to. How thoughtful! He’s also very dedicated to his family and wants lots of children. He brags about his daughter all the time and we spend time talking about different ways to spoil his wife.

If my friend Leon weren’t already married, he’d be my boyfriend because he’s always trying to improve himself and he spoils and honors his wife and considers her to be his gift from God.

In addition to all of those qualities, I’d love to meet a man of strong faith who treats me as if I am a precious rose petal, or a pair of brand new white sneakers. I want to feel protected and provided for, supported and appreciated. I want to feel safe when I’m with him.

At the end of my list I made sure to add, “And God…feel free to add any other qualities that would make me cry with joy!”

Those things aren’t too much to ask for in a man because…I see these qualities in my friends so I know they are out there.

Check out this article on my blogsite titled, Make Room For Your Soul Mate. It was written by a reader of this blog and she did an excellent job.

Maybe it’s the ample time that I have to question everything or maybe it’s the frame of mind that I am in or maybe it’s my evolving spirituality but I don’t know…I find myself questioning EVERYTHING these days.

Is she really my friend?

What do I really want?

How do I really want to live?

I’ve even asked the question, “Am I really a Christian?”

I tried to have this conversation with one of my friends but she was offended that I would even ask. So I had it with another friend and she asked me, “Do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that makes you a Christian.”

“But I’m not sure WHY I believe that. I think I believe it because someone TOLD me I should believe that. It’s like someone telling me that the sky is blue, I believe that because I was told to believe it.”

Without downplaying anyone’s religion, I believe that a religious choice is merely what we choose to believe. If that is the case then no one is wrong about their choice of religion or spiritual practice.

I’m not tring to push aside my Christian background, I just want to understand why I believe what I believe. I hate to be a follower. I’m not the chick to just take someone else’s word for it. I have to investigate and find the truth for myself.

Am I doing what I feel is right for me or just doing this because the majority says this is what I’m supposed to do?

Am I living my life for ME or living it according to the standards that a bunch of people who have no connection with me have set in place?

What is important to me in a friendship? Am I getting that? Am I giving what I wish to receive?

Why? Why? Why?

My mind is filled with questions and I’m seeking the answers.

I don’t know what will come from all of this but I do know, that however I choose to define myself, if I define myself at all, it will be just right for me.

Because my opinion is the only one that matters.

I hate asking men for advice.

It’s always a trade off with them. They give you some advice then they tell you how beautiful you are and want to start flirting. You try to cut them off but then they bring it up again…

Or you ask them for wisdom and they take the time to tell you why they can’t give it to you and how you need to figure it out for yourself.

I rarely ask ANYONE for advice but when I ask for it from a man that means I am putting my trust in him to give without thinking about what he gains from the situation.

But no man has… Every man wants something in return. If it doesn’t benefit HIM then he’s not sharing.

All I have to say is…if you horde your blessings, whether it be wisdom, wealth or talent, you will keep what you have, BUT YOU WILL NOT SEE INCREASE.

I want to relax.

I want to slow down and enjoy my life.

I’m running and running because I feel like I have to make all my dreams come true NOW because I never want my sons and I to worry about money again. The idea of not being financially stable drives me to push for my dreams but I’m realizing that the stability might come if I slow down now and focus on one thing instead of a hundred different things. But I don’t know which thing.

I wish I had a partner to make decisions with.

I signed up for an online dating service last night, just to see what it was all about. It’s dumb. People judging me based on my picture and the few words I have chosen to share. You can’t chat with anyone beyond the scripted messages unless you pay. I had fun filling out the questionaire though. One of the essay questions was: Describe your perfect day.

I wrote:

My perfect day would begin with me waking up and getting my sons ready for school. I’d drop them off and come back home to write stories and manage my website. When it’s time to pick them up for school, I’d glide over and get them. We’ll do homework and have dinner and hang out and then I’ll put them to bed. Afterwards I’ll write some more and then chat with my friends.

I’d like that kind of life.

I’d give up most of my dreams of grandeur for that life. Maybe I don’t have to inspire millions. Maybe I don’t have to be a big-time personality. I dream of those things because I feel like that is what I should do with my gifts, give them to everyone. I know the masses would be uplifted by my words and I would never have to worry about finances because my gift would reel in the supply.

But…I’d like to slow down and stop thinking so hard about my dreams.

I’d like to just let them unfold as if they were an unexpected surprise. And if they don’t, I wouldn’t care because I’d know that me and my boys will be alright. It’s that insecurity that drives me. If I don’t PUSH we will never be together again. If I don’t make it happen RIGHT NOW, I’ll always be wondering if I’ll ever get to take care of them again.

I’m worn out from the struggle.

I want to sit down. I want to rest. I want to stop fighting.

I’d really like to relax, God. Please help me to stop running and to keep my promise to my boys that we will be back together again.

I once dreamt of rings
You know diamonds and things
But I don’t want that anymore

I needed the fame
And the wealth that it brings
But I don’t need that anymore

I longed for a man
That nerdy CEO
But I don’t want that anymore

A multi-media empire
My own TV show
But that isn’t pleasing anymore

I’d look in the mirror
And see a Cover Girl
But that’s not important anymore

I ran near and far
Trying to capture my dream
I’m not looking anymore

I shut off my hopes
I’ve closed off my will
I’m different than before

I’ll follow you, Lord
Wherever you lead
Only you can open a door

Show me your plan
Show me your purpose
Yes, I am glad that I have grown

It took being in the wilderness
For me to get here
But it’s the most fruitful time I’ve ever known

I began this journey
With one simple hope
Financial stability for me and my sons

What I’ve gained in hindsight
Is so much more valuable
Complete trust in You and your Son

–Ms. Tee