I’m up extra early this morning. I have an important goal for today that I don’t want to procrastinate on and…I had an amazing dream last night that had me smiling when I woke up.
I dreamt that I was in a hotel in Miami and guess who walked in? Kanye West. We chatted easily like old friends and I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t acting like a groupie. I have Kanye’s contact information but I just couldn’t call him up to request an interview because..I don’t think I was ready. But the dream showed me that maybe I am. Nah…I don’t want to embarrass myself.
I’m not in love with him. I just admire his spirit and boldness and the message behind his songs. The chick he’s with is exactly the type of chick I would imagine him with and I hope she’s treating him well.
I got a call from an old friend yesterday but the phone call was the same as the rest. “You need to get it together. You need to go to church. You need to focus on God and get right with Him.”
This woman has obviously had no contact with me in a long time. Instead of being offended I just thought to myself, “This woman loves me and is speaking out of concern. She’d rather I be “safe” than where I am now and the only way she knows to success is what she has been doing.”
I’m learning to just listen and nod my head when people call to give me their opinions on what I should do with my life. I’m still going to do what I want to do anyway, why sit there and defend myself? They just don’t think like I do and that’s okay.
I need to sort out a few simple truths in my life. Maybe if I get them down on paper, I can face them and God can help me deal with them.
1. I’m not completely focused on my career like I should be. I make plans and pray plenty but the thought of my children without me causes me to stall and second guess myself. I know that they are fine..actually he’s doing a great job with them, but I want to be a part of that too. In my heart I know I’m doing the right thing because they are in a stable home environment and their Daddy has more patience than I do when it comes to schoolwork and exposing them to different cities and activities. I’m grateful for who he is and the fact that even though we didn’t work out, he’s being a great Daddy to his sons.
At the same time this bothers me because I want to feel like a successful parent too. The bottom line is, he had 6 years to get himself together. He worked for 3 different law firms during that time and finally made a home for himself. I never had that chance because I just had to take what job I could get to feed my sons. I won’t go back to them empty handed. I’ll have lots to show for the time I’ve been away and we’ll have security because my source will not be some random job, it’ll be the gift that God gave me and that will never be depleted.
2. I want to go to church but I’m raging against the machine (my friends) who come to me giving me directives that I NEED to get my behind in church. I don’t like to be told what to do. It seems as though after all of these years, some of my friends haven’t figured that out yet. I already make it a habit NOT to call anyone for encouragement, except a few select friends and my sister. Everyone else, I just wait for them to call me and I get to hear things like,”Are you living on the streets yet?”
It bothers me that even though I have never actively called someone to give them direction on their life or even battle with them about what they believe, I still have to defend myself. I hate aggressive communicators. You can get a lot farther with me by showing me love and speaking softly.
3. I’m supposed to be focused on my career and getting there but I’m also sidetracked by my desire to have the support of a wonderful man. Maybe I’m not supposed to feel this way but I do. I think it stems from the fact that all of my life it’s been me in opposition to men. Me, Ms. Little against these BIG BLACK MEN who hurl insults at me and try to control me. I never had a man who covered me and wanted to be my friend.
I’m always standing there toe to toe with them, my fists balled up, tense, trying to stand my ground. My personality type in the Enneagram says that I am looking for a rescuer. That’s true in a sense. I would love to meet ONE man who wants to be sweet to me, protect me, stand up for me and guide me to success instead of control me and punish me for not doing what he says. I want someone I can run to. I feel like I’m always just out here…being beaten up and no one to fall back on. I guess that’s God’s way to teach me how to lean on Him. But I’d like to feel safe around a man. I have yet to experience that. I’m always on guard for the attack.
4. I don’t want to date anymore men. Well..at least for a while. Lunch was great, it’s always good to have food but the type of men I attract are all wrong for me. I keep repeating the same mistakes. If I decide to date anyone again at least its going to be someone that I am attracted to so when he tries to put his hands on me (as they all do), at least I won’t be repulsed. I always try to be fair and give men I’m not attracted to a chance to be my friend and get to know me. I’m not doing that anymore. If I’m not attracted to you I’m not dealing with you. That saves him the embarrassment of being pushed away and saves me the annoyance of having to tell him that I’m not interested in him like that.
When I meet a man in social situations, he has no idea that I’m smart, loyal and driven, all he sees are these pretty green eyes and sexy demeanor. You don’t know how hard I try NOT to be sexy. I am offended when men call me SEXY, as if it’s a compliment. It’s a dirty remark to me. When I’m around men, even in the summer, I wear long sleeves, jeans and a hat. I try to be demanding and boyish so they won’t think of sex when they’re with me, but it never works. I don’t know if it’s just me or if all men think of all women in a sexual context.
5. I’m at peace with my life right now even though everyone thinks I’m crazy. I have no fears because everything that could happen has already happened. I’ve been hungry, homeless, unemployed and lonely. With the exception of my personal safety, I have nothing to worry about because I can handle anything. I guess I should see the strength in that statement, huh?
6. I’m not sure I want to be famous anymore. It was never really a desire..I just always felt in my heart that I would become a public figure, it wasn’t a goal, I always felt that it was a given considering the gifts that I have. But looking at how crazy the lives of celebrities are…maybe I should just chill out and just…write.
I don’t want people posting pics of me and my children on the beach or making fun of my jelly belly in the tabloids. Writers don’t get the media exposure but they can make just as much money as celebrities if they have a good product. ~sigh~ I’m saying all this even though I know it’s not my choice whether or not I become a public figure. If that is what is in the stars for me then I will accept that and hope that I am ready to take the good with the bad.
~exhale~
I’m so glad I got that out. Writing is such a sweet release.