I took a mental health break today. I turned off my phone and my computer and I canceled my interviews so that I could get a handle on my nerves.
It rarely happens but for some reason the magnitude of my dreams overwhelmed me. I have so many gifts that I want to give. I’m talented in so many areas yet…I still haven’t found the right place to give them.
What happens when you know that everything you touch turns to gold? What happens when you know that you can achieve anything your mind focuses on and you’ve seen evidence of it because everything you’ve done has exploded in brilliance? It’s an overwhelming feeling to know that you can do anything because your mind begins to spew out possibilities left and right and you feel obligated to complete them all.
If I were good at just ONE THING, I could expend all of my energy on that thing, but if I’m passionate about communication across the board, I have to choose carefully the things that I focus my time on.
One of my gifts is my ability to be transparent. It’s as though the door to my soul is wide open. I share completely and honestly with anyone who wants to know me. At the same time, the open door creates a problem because people see it and feel that they have a right to come in and deposit whatever they wish to. Their opinions don’t sway me, they just annoy me for the most part.
Here I sit in the middle of a storm and because of the gusting winds and pouring rain I can’t see what direction I should travel. I am reminded that I should sit patiently and wait, reflecting on the lessons that I have learned and the paths that I have taken that I know didn’t garner positive results. When the storm ends, I will once again see clearly my next move.
I tell God that I trust Him to lead me but really I’m impatient and frustrated while waiting for His lead. I can remember so many times before when I have tried to make decisions for myself and all doors were closed to me.
Today I decided that I will not make a decision. My fingers cripple at the thought because I am used to making a choice and sticking to it. My next move is not my choice. I have planted seeds across the country and I will try my best to wait, believing that God’s perfect plan will manifest itself in His perfect timing just as it has always done.
In my heart I’d like to leave here and just consider it another chapter of my life that has ended. I’d like to put this life lesson behind me and go somewhere else and sit back and look on what happened in amazement like all of the other seasons of my life. But this season hasn’t ended yet, the chapter is not completed. I’m not writing my own script and I have to allow these last few scenes to play out.
I still read THE GAME OF LIFE AND HOW TO PLAY IT. It teaches that when you ask God for an answer, you should sit still and wait for a definite lead. Since I have no other options I am forced to adhere to this teaching but as I do I have to remind myself that God is real and soverign and He will answer my prayer.
It’s funny how I can be all alone in a city but still be content. There is nothing that I lack in social interaction, I’m content with being alone and I revel in it simply because I am used to it at this point.
I sit and I wait, remembering all of the other times that I was in this same situation and things worked out so much better than I ever planned. I wonder why I’m on this journey alone but I guess I’ll continue to wonder until it is revealed to me.
Maybe that’s why I was raised the way I was. Maybe my Stepfather’s aggression prepared me all those years ago, to maintain myself for this very moment. If I had my parents to fall back on, I would. If I had a man to run to, I would. If I had anything to rely on, I would stop and take a break but….when you don’t have any of that you are forced to move forward.
So I thank God right now for my past that presented so much aggression. It hardened me to the point where I feel that I can lift boulders and move mountains. While I appreciate it, I sure can’t wait until I can relax and be taken care of.
Be taken care of…
Wow… As much as I love to take care of others, I really can’t imagine having the favor returned. But I’ll try to start imagining it and share what my fantasies become.
Boy…Life is a trip!