Share My World

I just got off the phone with my sister and we discussed the possibility of me making a move back to Miami.

I know I can find the money to make it back there. The trip should probably take 4 or 5 days depending on how long I stay in each of the cities I stop in along the way. Houston first. Then Lousiana, then a quick stop in maybe a stop in Gainesville to visit my brother. Then on to Miami.

In planning for my departure I feel defeated because if I leave I’ll be going back to where I began with no real plan, except to find a secretary job or something and just stay there until my boys get older. I won’t be able to get my kids back with me because the real estate is so expensive there and I won’t live in the projects with my boys. I grew up that way and I promised myself that they would never see it.

I can’t live with my parents because they don’t know how to talk to me. I can’t take that demeaning, aggressive talk that they do it kills me. My sister can handle it, she says it motivates her but I’ve had enough of people telling me what a horrible person I am and how I’m never gonna be anything.

So Marsha has offered to let me sleep on her couch. It’s better than sleeping in my car I guess but who knows how many months I’ll be there. Look how long it took me to decide to move to Atlanta because I couldn’t find a job.

The upside is that I’ll get to see my kids. The downside is that I won’t have a home to take them to in order to spend time with them and they wont be able to spend weekends with me or anything.

I have like..this peace in my heart. I asked God to make this my home by giving me a good job and some friends and I don’t have either. Maybe this isn’t my home.

I feel like such a screw up. I feel like apologizing for leading you all to believe that if you have faith and take risks you can make a better life for yourself. I feel like all of my whole passion for inspiring others to prosper and believe..maybe it’s a lie.

Maybe you should just accept who you are and where you are and…just wait for heaven. I never think about heaven but maybe I should. Maybe I should focus on that desired end and walk numbly through each day hoping for the day I die.

Nah…I’m trying to feel all hopeless but that just ain’t me. Things didn’t work out in Dallas for me. That’s okay. Shit..I tried. I was bold as hell huh?!

Think about what I’ve done! I have moved all over BY MYSELF, with NO MONEY! I’ve been in some crazy ass situations when most people have NEVER even lived outside of the neighborhood they grew up in.

I’m a bad bitch. And even if no good comes from all of these faith moves, at least I’ll have some wild stories to tell.

“Gramma, Gramma! Tell us about when you hopped in your car and just moved from city to city?” my Grandkids will ask me.

“Ooh boys! Lemme tell ya,” I’ll say as I adjust my glasses. “Gramma was young and hot. Much like I am now. But Gramma had a dream. She wanted to be able to inspire the world to embrace their fantasies. Gramma was having some problems finding stable work and I was smart but stubborn and prideful. I ended up leaving your Daddy with his Daddy and off I went to Atlanta. Hotlanta is what they called it then before it became overcrowded and the economy went bad. Chasing my dream of developing the skills to succeed I moved to Houston with nothing and lived on the streets and in hostels. Gramma was even in a homeless shelter for one night.”

“Gramma you were homeless like the men downtown that sleep on the ground?” they ask.

“Not quite like them because I don’t play that plus my friends love me too much to let that happen. But no address of my own and my bank account was empty.”

“Empty?”

“Yes. Empty.”

“But how did you get all of this?” they will ask as they guesture towards the tricked out mansion and the house staff busily tending to the upkeep.

“Gramma never gave up boys. I did it for you. Sometimes I would doubt God and doubt myself. I would even doubt the dream I know God gave me. But when I would have those doubts I’d just write about it and release those negative emotions. When I was done I felt better and I was able to focus on the promise. It’s all God boys. If God hadn’t spoken to me that first time when I gave my life to Him, I probably wouldn’t believe. But since I heard Him tell me He loved me and He forgave me, I knew He was real and He would never leave me in a place where I was miserable. The story I wrote became my first book and that led to many other books and speaking engagements. People believed in my struggle. They believed with me. They found hope in my journey and it blessed them. I tell you all the time, the more you bless others, the more you are blessed.”

“How did you meet Granddaddy?”

“Ohh..He came along just when I needed him to. I was all alone and about to make a decision to give up. Just when I thought I had no one He appeared and showed me that He believed in my dream. He showed me. He didn’t TELL me. That’s why I always say that words mean nothing, let your actions speak for you.”

“Gramma you are amazing!”

“Yeah, that’s what they tell me. But who is truly amazing is the God we serve and I owe nothing to myself. I made so many mistakes that I thought I couldn’t bounce back from but God protected me and sent me this wonderful man who loves me like He does.”

“I want to marry a woman just like you Gramma!”

“Be careful what you ask for, I’m a handful and I know it. But in the end you will get exactly what you give so be mindful of that.”

I walk forward as though the path behind me has fallen away. I don’t look back I look ahead, allowing my fantasies to become the blueprint for my success.

God knows my name. He knows my path and the future is brilliant for me.

If I can just get through the uncertainty of today, I will move into that spectacular place that is already waiting for me. It may be in Miami. Who knows. I will trust Him.

I believe.

When I glanced at the caller ID today I smiled. It was Tamara.

“What’s up chick?” I greeted her.

“Hey Dawg. I need a word,” she began and then paused. “I need something.”

“Ok, Well tell me what’s going on.”

“Dawg. I just feel…bad.”

“Did you sign the lease?”

“Yeah. All of the big stuff is out and all we have to do is get the little stuff tomorrow.”

Tamara is moving out of her fiance’s house. Her wedding was less than 4 months away. Their son is 4 months old.

I can share this because Tamara says she doesn’t mind me writing about it. She says my blog tells my story and since she is a part of that, she trusts me to tell hers too. All of my friends trust me in this area and I’m glad. Sometimes it’s better to take the focus off of me and share the life lessons my friends are learning as well.

“How do you feel Prince?” I asked her.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“Are you feeling like you made a mistake when you got with him? Do you feel like you’re losing the best thing you ever had?”

“Yes. YES! All of that. You know exactly what I’m feeling.”

I do know. I know because I’ve been there. And because I’ve been there I know just what to say.

“Prince. You know as well as I do that your relationship was full of holes. Even with your PUSHER personality you couldn’t fill those holes. Only God can. And even with your persistence to make it work, you couldn’t make it work. Only God can. Yeah you were dealing with all of these insecurities but he didn’t make it better. He made it worse by fueling those insecurities. The man God has for you won’t do anything to make you doubt him. You will be secure in his love,” I said.

“Prince I know you’re sad right now,” I continued. “But honestly deep inside me I’m excited for you. I feel like this is a new beginning for you. You may be losing the best thing you ever had, but in losing that you will gain the best that God has for you. You were willing to settle for a relationship full of holes. Much like me and so many other women, you wanted to make it work and withstood all kinds of signals that it wasn’t for you, just because you thought your willpower could push it to where it needed to be. I’m not saying he’s not the one. I’m just saying right now, you know that you deserve more than he can give you. You know it, he knows and God knows it. Now what you have to do is be open to the change, trusting that as you continue to work on your relationship with God, He will bring you where you need to be.”

“You’re right Tee.”

“Of course I am Prince. I’ve been there. But look what you learned from this. You learned that you should never play the role of a wife in any man’s life until you are that man’s wife. You’ll never move in with a man again. You’ll never put yourself in a position to have another child from a man who is not yours and you will never again be the one who leads the relationship. As dominant as I am, I realize that and as much as I know I’m the big talker, I won’t force a man to be with me or to love me. I won’t try to guide him into doing the things a real man is supposed to do. If he is not doing those things already then I know that he is not ready for me and I won’t press. Neither will you, from this day forward.”

It’s ironic that I am having this conversation with my bestfriend when I just began exploring Your Fantasy: Ending An Unhealthy Relationship over on my other site. It’s kind of hard for me to relive those tough moments when I was involved in unhealthy relationships but now that I’m out of them, I have words of wisdom and encouragement to share.

I once wrote an article inspired by Tamara back in the day. I published it in this online magazine and I’ve seen it pop up on other websites and blogs. It seems that however we may compare our lives to others, their lives seeming so peechy keen, all around the world people are looking for inspiration to get them through a rough time.

Since coming into the knowledge of God and His infinite wisdom I have fought many battles and come out STRONGER. I can share the intimate details of the many battles that I fight through because it’s not about ME, it’s about sharing the lessons and empowering others. You can judge me for decisions I’ve made but the truth, the healing truth, is made magnificent in my recovery.

And just as Tamara will recover, so will I. And so will YOU.

I had to respond to the news that Evangelist Juanita Bynum was beaten by her husband in a hotel parking lot last night.

It caused me despair, but God gave me a message of hope to share. Read it on my website, Share My Dream.

This week God blessed me with $125. I was so excited thinking about all the food I could buy with this money as I waited for my next lead from Him as to where I should go and what I should do.

Before I could spend any of it, my friend called me and mentioned that she is fasting in part because she doesn’t have money for food. I sent her $50 immediately and made plans to go grocery shopping with the rest.

This morning Kim called me and told me that she received her blessing to pay her first mortgage note but it left her short on her car note. Immediately I sent her the rest of my money so now she’s squared away.

I’m always eager to give and being able to give blesses me and brings me JOY. Even though I knew that in giving I would again be down to nothing, I trust that God is my supply and just as He blessed me with that money He can bless me again. It’s called being a fearless spender.

I’m not spending my money unwisely. God can trust me with it. If I have money and I see a need in my life or someone close to me, I don’t horde my money expecting it to multiply in my bank account, I spend it. I spend money when I need to. I give where it is needed and God always replaces it.

After giving my last money today I sat back as slurped my ramen noodles, thanking God for the opportunity to bless Kim because she has carried me on more than one occasion. She got my car fixed for me one time and once she even paid my car note for me. When I try to thank her she just says, “We’re in this together.”

And we are.

My supply is hers. Her supply is mine. If I need gas money and I don’t have it, she will give. If she needs her hair done and I have it, she gets her perm. There’s no question of when she will pay me back and there are absolutely no loans. We give out of love as if God is providing through us.

So today I was on my laptop feeling great about being able to help her pay her car note when I got an email from paypal saying that a reader had donated $50 to me. I sat there stunned. My entire body tingled. I cried and I praised God for the quick turn around.

I believe that God is my supply and He led the reader to donate to me just as I emptied my account to bless Kim.

I can’t even say how grateful I am. I don’t feel like I deserve any of the blessings that God gives me because ya’ll know I’m still trying to figure things out but I’m just…so happy that I can actually SEE the law of reaping and sowing working in my life.

I can SEE it, I can FEEL it and I am at peace about the decisions that I have to make.

I prayed that God would join me to the people He has for me. All of the phone calls I make to market myself and to introduce my skills to publications are not in vain. The RIGHT company will contact me back SOON and ask me to join their team. If they don’t call me back that means that they weren’t destined to benefit from my expertise.

I spoke with Tamara today and she was so happy even though her fiance bowed out of the pre-marital counseling that they arranged. “Tee! I was hurt but..don’t you see! I feel like I’m riding in a car but I’m not driving,” she said. “I have not had to make one decision about my life direction, I feel like God is making them FOR me! God is driving!”

He is.

And since I love to be the passenger, I’ma kick back and listen to my baby Kanye while God steers the way.

I have a one track mind.

All I think about is inspiration, motivation and success. I tend to shy away from random conversations because most people don’t want to talk about such things. I don’t know who the latest rap artist is. I don’t watch television dramas. I don’t even know who Paris Hilton is currently dating.

I’m grateful that I have the friends that I do, they think along the same lines as I do. We’re not focused on men or toys, we always talk about God’s will for our lives. Because of this it’s not easy for me to make friends. If we can’t talk about God’s place in our lives, then I have little left to discuss.

Sometimes I want to turn on the television but then I think, “There’s nothing on.” Sometimes I want to read a book then I think, “They’re all full of drama.” Even most blogs don’t interest me because I’m not that interested in other people’s lives. Soap operas bore me to death.

I guess you’d call me boring or self centered. I just call me- ME.

I’ve started reading the Bible again. It took a while for me to see the important message behind all of those drama filled stories. While I seek God wholeheartedly I always find Him. I see Him in the breeze. I see Him in the trees. I see Him in the conversations that I have with my friends.

I’m lonely tonight but I guess I see Him in this situation too. I’m never REALLY lonely because I have lots of friends who care about me and my phone or IM never stop ringing. But it’s these late nights, when everyone has gone to bed that I sit and thank God for loving me and never leaving me even through all of my bad judgements.

I remember long ago that I longed for a closer relationship and now…here in Dallas, He is pretty much all I have. I’m grateful that I’m not desperate for attention although I’d love some affection right now. It’s becoming easier and easier to accept my celibacy and I no longer yearn to be touched by a man.

I’m wondering what tomorrow will bring as my many friends call and speak their blessings over my life, proclaiming what they believe God has told them about my situation. It would be a lot easier if all of them had the same word from God, but none of them do. It just reaffirms that I have to be strong in making the best decisions for myself and even though I am learning to get a grip on my emotions, I still follow the peace in my heart that I know is from God.

Let me go spend time with Him. I love it late at night when I’m lieing awake and I just talk to Him and ask Him to show me the way to personal fulfillment.

It’s funny how I’ve been on this journey, with my one track mind and all. I have been searching for an opportunity to grow and I just realized– that place won’t be found in an office building or the security of a paycheck. The journey IS my opportunity to grow and I welcome it with all of my heart.

Wow.

I had no idea.

I have no real desire to be a Christian writer. I don’t consider myself to be one really. I just write what I believe and lots of times my actions and thoughts don’t line up with the Bible or what people perceive Christians to be so instead of trying to make myself into something I’m not, I just don’t wear that label.

No, the magazine that contacted me wasn’t a Christian mag, but the reader who wrote the comment sent me a link to a Christian mag that needed writers and I did apply. I don’t mind writing on those topics and maybe I’d be good at it but honestly I’ve never thought about it because I don’t consider my writing to be Bible based or a guideline for good Christian living. I hardly read the Bible and I don’t know many scriptures and when I think of all the other Christian based writers they seem to know it all and have all the answers and I know I don’t.

I guess because I mention God a lot, people assume I’m a Christian writer. I guess I don’t want to wear that label because I just do my own thing and…I don’t want Christians to be shamed by me representing them, cuz I AM going to BE ME at all times. You feel me?

I don’t represent Christianity, I represent ME. This doesn’t have a title. This is about a woman learning who she is and following the path she believes will lead to her desired end. I could have easily been exposed to any other religion. Even though I don’t practice a religion, I do adore God and believe in Jesus.

My ambitions are rooted in living in God’s will and multiplying my business. I don’t ever want to confuse the two. Meaning…I don’t want ministry to become a business. That’s why I coach for free. But maybe I should rethink that. I don’t know. I just feel like if I take the time to feed others words of wisdom, not worrying about being paid back, that God will take care of me.

Maybe that’s not a good business practice but I just…believe that some things, like love, advice and concern should be given freely. Maybe I’m naiive but I’d want those things to be given to me without a price sticker.

Well what kind of writer am I? I don’t know.

I just…write my evolution.

Do I have to be classified? I don’t like to be put in a box like that.

If you want to call me anything…just call me…Tee. Let that be it.

In my search to expand my internet empire, I stumbled upon a community that is focused on introducing bloggers to each other based on blog topics. It’s called Blog Carnivals.

It works like this: Bloggers search through the various carnivals listed by topic and then submit their favorite blog posts that pertain to the topic. If the carnival host chooses their post, it will be featured in a list of links on their blog, thereby introducing the readers of that blog to different bloggers that they may not have known even existed.

This theory works great for bloggers who blog about issues or topics but for personal bloggers like myself, it’s kind of hard to find your fit. When I looked through the carnivals I was delighted to see that there are so many other bloggers out there who have my same idea of inspiration. There are so many blogs dedicated to helping people to achieve their dreams that I became dizzy as I explored them. I guess there’s nothing new under the sun, we just have to look hard to find the other person with our same goals.

But my blogsite is a little different in that I present it as a magazine and not just my expert opinions.

So I started my own blog carnival called risk takers and rewards. I wanted to see what kind of information was out there about people who are willing to take risks with their lives in pursuit of a brighter future.

Here are a few of the bloggers who submitted articles.

How to Eliminate Fear and Overcome Bad Feelings By Arin Vahanian

Excuse Me, Where is Your Sense of Self Awareness? By Ellesse

Why I Am Leaving Corporate America? By Edith Yeung

How I Became a Millionaire While Working In My Pajamas by Millionaire Mom Next Door

I have this uncanny ability to tell when people are shady or dishonest even when they present themselves as friendly or open.

I look for signs and I recognize them immediately, but I don’t react immediately. I wait until I see repeat signs of this behavior and then I make my judgement and treat the person accordingly. Before my revelation about taking my emotions out of certain situations and asking myself, “What is the bigger picture? What can I gain from this?” I would immediately tell the person what flaw I recognized in them, how it was unnacceptable and that I no longer wanted to have anything to do with them.

NOW– things are different because I realize that not everyone is supposed to be close to you and even those who will forever remain associates may have something positive to contribute to your life when you understand that every man (or woman) you meet is a link in the chain toward your greater good.

I’ve learned not to throw people away just because they can’t be my “friend”. I have friends. I’ll hold on to them and everyone else that comes along can just be seasonal or whatever.

Some of the ways I notice character flaws that are unnacceptable to me:

• People who deny things you haven’t accused them of. When someone does this, you can generally take it as a confession that they have done that thing. Ex: “I’m not trying to sabotage you.”
• People who always speak negatively about everyone in their lives. Even if they don’t do it in your face, you can be 100% sure that they are saying the same things about you when you are not around.
• People who gossip about other people’s personal lives, making fun of them. Once again, for someone to take the time to laugh about someone’s bad situation or misfortune, man..that’s rotten. And it lets you know that they are looking for the intimate details of your life to laugh about too.
• People who take the time to outline their good qualities. When I’m sitting there listening to a man say, “I never cheat. I’m always honorable. blah blah blah..” I am turned off because if all of that were true then you wouldn’t have to SAY it, your care and concern would be shown through your actions.
• People who don’t have friends. If you can’t keep a friend, what does that say about your ability to maintain any other kind of relationship?
• People who use sarcasm as jokes. I really hate that. Why jokingly insult me? That’s not cool or funny. I know it’s the way you truly feel but you are too much of a coward to tell me directly.

Most often it’s just being able to tell who people are by the way they treat others. Now that I have a firm handle on that, I need to develop a thicker skin about being around people that have those characteristics because I feel like I’m being fake if I sit there and smile in their face when I know good and well they could never be my true friend.

I have someone in my life right now who exhibits most of these qualities, but on the flip side of his character he also is a very brilliant businessman and loves to share his wisdom with me because he says he likes my spirit. Before I kicked him to the curb, I had to stop and evaluate the situation. What can I gain from this?

A lot. He likes me. He supports me. He refers to me as his friend because I am always encouraging and I praise his work ethic. Instead of kicking him completely out of my life I decided to just take a step back, only interacting with him when he thinks of me and making sure to let him know…in a nice way…that I don’t appreciate the ad libs. “Please let’s change the subject because this is not uplifting.” I still get to hear his wisdom and I will disregard the rest, while continuing to keep the business relationship intact.

Like I said earlier, everyone is not meant to be your friend. But everyone you meet CAN be a link in the chain to your greater good if you watch them closely and learn a lesson, good or bad, from the way they live their lives.

I had a phone interview today with a company that was interested in my web content development services. The interview was not ordinary because I didn’t take the standpoint of “I need a job sooo bad!” I interviewed him just as much as he interviewed me.

By the end of the conversation we decided that we were not a good fit for each other because the type of writing he needed, I had no experience doing. I could have flipped my acting skills and persuaded him otherwise but I had no interest in doing that.

I’m not sure if the true message of the lesson I learned about seeing the big picture of a business situation was relayed properly. For me, seeing the big picture does NOT mean taking any job that comes my way. Though most of my friends would disagree, I choose to stand firm in my belief that the right opportunity for longevity and satisfaction in the workplace will come to pass. Though my situation may seem desperate since I currently have no income and no means to support myself, my spirit is not desperate. I believe in my dream and I am willing to wait on it.

The lesson I learned will be used when I do come to that next place of blessing. I will not give up on that opportunity because I will recognize it as an important part of my journey. But until then, my goal is to sacrifice as much as I believe is neccesary until I find that place.

I interviewed Ross, the photographer, about his pursuit of his dream and one of the statements that he made encourages me in my journey.

He said: “I think some people let their dreams falter because society places stereotypes on dreamers and even visionaries, as if appropriate fantasies cannot be manifested. The opposite is true,” Ross says. “The major difference between those who live out their fantasies and those who don’t is a direct matter of willpower. What is one willing to sacrifice to succeed? Comfort? Stability? Food? Sleep? Criticism? It is those that persevere through adversity with the mind set that failure is not an option who find the keys to self-fulfillment. Even in failure, true perseverance will prevail as a stepping stone to one’s impending success.”

So what am I willing to sacrifice as I hold steady to my desire to use my gift to support myself? I am willing to sacrifice comfort, stability and the support of those I love.

I’ve been on this journey armed with nothing but my faith and the belief that my gift of writing and speaking will be appreciated one day. I’ve forged ahead safely and quickly so far, this is not the time to turn back, simply because it seems as though things aren’t going my way.

I’m already out on a limb. I’ve left every comfort behind. I’ve made my choice and I’m going to stick to it. No eviction, no lack of food or no one’s opposing opinion will make me change my mind. There’s no coercing me to stop here and go back.

Whether I seem to lose or to win, I’ll keep writing and sharing the lessons I’ve learned. I’m finally coming into my own as I learn to trust my own judgement and vision for my life over everyone else’s.

It is this truth being spoken into my soul, that allows me to soar above the criticism and the aggressiveness of those who think I’m on the wrong path. No one has to answer to God but me for my faith. No one has to feel the hunger pains that I experience. No one has to confront the loneliness of climbing to the mountain top that I encounter on a daily basis.

But then again…no one I know is going where I’m going, so I don’t expect anyone to understand or approve.

Watch me fumble, watch me fall, watch me soar, watch me fly…But keep watching because perseverance is my middle name and I WILL NOT STOP until I reach that place that I know that I deserve.

I met a reader from FL recently who wrote me with details about her life and her hopes. Here’s an excerpt from her email and my response.

She wrote:

Girl yesterday I broke down and went back to the book store and bought the book “The Secret.” There is something about “The Law of Attraction” and “The Secret.” That seems to be pushing me in and towards it’s direction and even though I’ll admit that I’m somewhat skeptical about it I’m doing what I feel led to do.

What’s weird Tee is that suddenly since hearing about it and researching it, I’m beginning to hear my own inner and outer voice, I’m beginning to see how I think and operate when faced with certain issues. And I’m stopped in my tracks as I realize that this is not how I’m suppose to think.

Remember I told you that I ordered the Law of Attraction book? well I’m still waiting for it to arrive and although I should have been somewhat content in knowing that it’s on the way, here I am parting with more money, when God knows I really can’t afford into it. Anyway, after I handed over the money the cashier handed me a $5 bill and told me that it won’t last long, I then said, true, along with it’s brothers, $10, $20, $50 and $100 bill. Now girl the tongue can bring death or life right? Yet it was so easy for me to one accept the negative statement from the cashier, instead of rebuking it and worse than that adding to it. Lawd have mercy! AWARENESS! is a good thing.

I look at it now and realize that I could have said, it will last because my money is blessed, I see that now. I see it but I’ve never spoken like that, instead I accept the negative and ultimately the curse.

This morning I was going through my handbag and there folded in the flap of my purse was the $5 bill. And what came to mind is this, tape it to the back page of “The Secret.” book. It will last and it will multiply and continue to grow, even from the back page.
Amen!

My response:

You’re on the right track. Remember money is fluid. It flows in and out of our lives…and it’s supposed to. If you hold onto it and horde it IT WILL LAST, but you won’t get anymore. If you violate the law of use, meaning not using the gifts or things that you have been blessed with, you clog the supply of increase.

Think about your closet. It can only hold so many clothes, right? If you want new ones you have to get rid of the old. If you are WEARING your clothes, then they WEAR out causing you to NEED new clothes, which makes room for the new ones- INCREASE. It’s automatic!

Use your gifts. Use your money. Bless others. When someone says, “It won’t last.” in reference to money or even your blessings, you say, “I don’t need it to. There’s more where that came from.”