Share My World

Sure, I do expect to obtain recognition and fortune as a result of my hard work.

Yes, I do expect to marry a brilliantly wealthy man who is kinda nerdy, but honors me.

But those are not my only expectations for my life. That’s not even a focus because to me..all that is a given. It’s what I deserve and desire and I will have the desires of my heart.

I have a gift that I want to give to this world. It’s a gift from my soul, passed to me straight from God. It’s the gift of an encouraging word, it’s the gift of laughter and fun through the rough times. It’s the gift of story telling, taking your life and painting it like Picasso with colorful words.

I follow my peace throughout this journey. If there is no peace, there is no Tee. It’s not something that I can explain to anyone. It’s not a checklist that I can show you so that it will all make sense. Most times it doesn’t even make sense to me.

None of this does, really. So imagine how I feel out here in this city with no one or nothing to fall back on, completely believing in faith in my imagined end. Imagine how I must feel when I dare to open my mouth and share my dreams with others. They look at me like I’m crazy. They tell me I’m unrealistic.

How dare you expect those things for your life?!

Why not?

All I know is…what’s in my heart to do. I’m loyal, almost to a fault sometimes so leaving anything behind always hurts my heart. Especially when I’m moving forward to the unfamiliar.

Even though the days are long…I can’t help but to remember my time in Houston and how long those days seemed. Now…those days are just…a part of my story. Nothing more. I can’t feel the sting of loneliness I felt back then.

I remember it, but those feelings have been replaced by new ones.

I know I’ve come a long way and I can’t give up now. I can’t change a thing about my past and I don’t want to. I can’t change a thing about where I am right now. By looking ahead I will move ahead.

I do wish I knew the magic path to success. I do wish that I could snap my fingers and all of my dreams had come true. I wish that I could move on from thinking about “him” and I wish that I could be the type of mother that I know that I am capable of being.

Since I live by the law of reaping and sowing I comfort myself by remembering that what I put out into this world will be returned, everyday, in every way. That keeps me accountable, keeps me humble and keeps me from reacting out of my emotions most of the time. I just…can’t wait to see it manifest, that helpful hand reaching out to me, saying, “This is the way. Here’s your chance.”

I seek God and his righteousness. I allow the people who show no interest in being a positive part of my life to walk away. I pray everyday and I fast from the things that would hinder me from hearing God clearly. I’m not trying to be a preacher I just want what God has for me. I want to be a blessing to this world, in all sincerity. Can a heart like mine be received and not judged as false, even though I expect honor and fortune?

I’m getting into that old mood again. The mood that had me trembling at night out of agony because no one is near to give me a simple hug. I don’t remember how I got through it the last time but I know I can get through it again.

But even through all my faith walking and talking I succumb to my emotions and ask God, “When is it going to be my time? When will all of this pain and loneliness be over? When can I reap the benefits of my faith walk? When can people start to see the glory over my life because of my obedience to you?”

I’m tired God. I’m tired of wandering.

I am ready for what you have for me.

I am ready.

My Mama sent me a letter today along with the picture DVD she made for my aunt’s funeral.

The letter reads:

Hey Tee

Hope all is well; here is the memorial DVD of my sister and a copy of the obituary. Sorry you could not make it. Everybody is fine and going on with their lives. Since we talk all the time, I have nothing more to write. Talk to you later.

Love,

Your Mother

I cried.

LOL! She never writes me letters. It felt so good to get one from her.

I saw her on the MSN messenger tonight and said Hi. She asked me when I was going to change my status from “Happy Birthday Kanye!” I told her, “When he calls me and tells me thank you.”
She typed, “He already called me and told me to tell you to stop stalking him cuz he got a man.”

She is soooo silly!

I miss her.

She’s cool. She doesn’t bad mouth anyone or put anyone down. She keeps to herself and works on her little computer projects for fun. She puts in all of these hours of work when holidays come and she doesn’t charge anyone for any of the work she does. I’m like, “Ma, you could make some money.” But she says she is just keeping busy.

Today was a pretty good day. I spoke to Kim a million times and we discussed the J.K. Rowlings story. This woman went from poverty as a single mom to being the first person to become a billionaire from writing BOOKS. Now she gives millions to charities worldwide! That’s gonna be me! I am going to be a philanthropist! I feel tingles all over. I love inspirational stories and I can’t wait to start writing biographies of successful people. My dream biography is…Halle Berry. Oooh! I can’t wait! I’ve been fantasizing about this book for YEARS! I already have the title and everything.

I feel like I’m getting closer to the promise because so many people are falling by the wayside. They are frustrated with the decisions that I make for my life and say they can’t take watching me live like this anymore.

I could see if I was a complaining chick; then I could understand their annoyance but since I’m always trying to be positive and follow my peace, I don’t get it. But then again I do… It’s all love.

This is a crazy journey I’m on and who knows where I’ll end up next. I’m just here…waiting for something to happen. I spend my days reaching out to people who I believe can use my gift. I tell them who I am and I tell them about my journey. I’m trying to make a connection but..I haven’t found the divine match yet. I know that it would make a good story for radio or print or even television. It would make a great reality show even! Lifetime movie? I can see it now…

WOMAN RISKS ALL TO FIND HER PERFECT PLACE IN THE WORLD, WATCH HER STORY UNFOLD AS SHE FULFILLS HER DESTINY

I just need someone to believe with me.

Besides marketing myself, I also spend most of my time praying. Sounds all “dreamy” but it’s not, it’s regular. I’m not on my knees with my hands clasped. I’m usually just laying wrapped inside my blanket with my eyes squeezed tightly and talking to God that way.

I ask Him to show me if I’m doing anything wrong on this journey. Then I ask Him to forgive me for my mistakes. I often ask Him to show me what my next move should be. I trust that all of my creativity and intelligence comes from Him so I ask Him for ideas all the time.

Can I miss Him if I diligently seek Him? I don’t think so. So that brings me peace knowing that sooner than later something is going to break. Even if it means that I have to leave Dallas, then it will be because something better popped up somewhere else. But God knows that I want to bring my kids here, buy a home here and be a blessing to this city but we’ll see what He does and I’m still open… I am…

Until then…I just wait and write on my website. It’s a lot more work than I thought it was going to be.

Writing on my blog is like eating popcorn. I don’t think, I just write. Writing for my website requires deep thinking and strategies as I seek sponsorships and develop a strong editorial calendar. And then the style of writing is different as well because I’m trying to set a certain voice for it and I’m not sure what that will be yet. I can’t wait until I get more writers to join in and help but until I do I will just keep giving the best of what I have.

Ok, I wanted to hide it from everyone so I’ll look like I’m strong but…I still think about The Prez everyday. More than once. More than twice. ~sadly~ I wish I didn’t. I wish I could forget. I feel like a fool.

Fantasizing about a man who is not remotely interested in me is a trait that I used to have and I thought that I would have grown from that by now so I am dissappointed in myself.
But I’ll get over it.In a minute…for now I’ll just enjoy the fantasy until God takes it away and replaces it with real love.I’m so happy right now! I can feel the blessing coming soon.Tomorrow I’m going to do what I love to do, volunteer!I’ll write about it later. Lord, please let me wake up on time.~smile~

I woke up yesterday earlier than I had to. I never use an alarm clock. I just program myself to wake up because I don’t like loud noises especially early in the morning.

I immediately called Kim, realizing that although I told her that I wouldn’t wake her up at 7am, I must have programmed myself to wake her up anyway. But when I called she was already getting dressed for her meeting.

I laid back down for another hour and she called me back to wake me up and I finally got up. I was excited because I found a group of women who does service in the community and I love to do community service. I live for it!

This group was meeting to volunteer at a food bank at 9:30 am. I got dressed, ate some oatmeal and meditated for a while before hopping into my car to find the place. I drove up and down for 20 minutes and I still couldn’t find the address so I called the contact number and no one answered. I called another contact number and still no answer.

I was pissed! Dude, I’m trying to volunteer. If the event starts at 9:30 we should already be there by 9:15. Where are these chicks?

Fuck that. I went home.

Around 9:50 my phone started ringing and I didn’t answer it. I have no time for tardiness. That is unacceptable. I won’t be attending any other functions with them.

My sorority sisters would have been on point and ready to serve. We operated in excellence!

I remember back when I was in college I was all about joining a sorority. There was only one choice for me, AKA. I considered the rest to be…imitations.

But AKA was not on my yard and I was greatly dissappointed. I still wanted to do service so I looked at the service sororities on my campus and I ran across these chicks who were wild as hell and they seemed to have so much fun together!

I attended an interest meeting but later learned that they weren’t having a line that semester. The following semester they invited me back to another interest meeting and I thought, “What the hell…I’ll pledge. It’s just community service.”

I WAS WRONG!

Those chicks had us on lock! They had us singing songs for their behinds, meeting in dark parking lots to practice skits and throwing parties for them. I would have quit the first week after I saw they actually were pledging us, but I didn’t want them to think they got the best of me. So Instead of quitting I became my line’s president and I went through so many freaking emotions as I got to know my line sisters and we tried to prove ourselves to our big sisters. Nothing we did was right. No project we did was good enough.

When one of our service projects was covered in the school paper, we were so proud but they just smirked and said, “Hmm…they listed you as Gamma Sigs. You’re not sisters yet.”

That pledging mess is pyschological, there’s no doubting that.

I remember one night there was a party and my friend (who wasn’t pledging) invited me to go out with her since we rarely saw each other. I didn’t really want to go since it was t-shirt day and we were required to wear our pledge t-shirts all day in public.

As we neared the entrance to the club I froze when I saw my big sisters walking in. Although they didn’t look my way I knew they saw me. ~whispering~ They saw everything.

“Come on,” my friend urged when she saw that I didn’t move.

“Naw..I can’t go in.” I said meekly and leaned against the wall.

“What?” She was confused.

“My big sisters are in there.”

“So?”

I knew she wouldn’t understand but I tried to explain. “My line sisters are coming to this party, but they’re not here yet. If I go in without them, I’m breaking the line and I don’t wanna hear about that shit in chapter.”

“Girl, please!” she said and rolled her eyes.

“Dawg. You don’t understand. I can’t go in.”

She was upset with me but I told her to just go in and I’d come in when the rest of my line got there. I called their cell phones and they said they were on their way. Twenty minutes later they finally got there and we walked in together, in our maroone pledge shirts, as a complete line.

Whew! I’m so glad that process is over. Looking back on it, it was fun but…I’ll never be a pledge again. If you don’t invite me, I’m not joining.

I looked around Dallas to see if they had any graduate chapters I could join but I didn’t find any.

I want to serve in the community. I want to organize events and raise money. I want to be a part of a group of women of excellence who are on point and precise.

I considered joining a Black professional organization but then after the last meeting I went to, I’m not so sure I want to do that because of…you know..the men.

They get on my nerves. They act like they never had pussy before. We’re all grown. None of us are virgins, I’m just a woman like all the rest of them. STOP TRYING TO HAVE SECKS WITH ME! Damn!

I feel like maybe I should auction off my Texas virginity to the highest bidder!

I just want to be cool and hang out. I want to make friends. When I am being myself, they are attracted to me. So when I switch up and am mean, they are attracted even more. I don’t know what to do. I don’t mind having men admire me but they don’t know how to keep it on the low. They move too fast and too aggressively when I have not given them any indication that I welcome their advances. If I like a man, he will KNOW. I will tell him. “Hey, I like you.” Then he can be as aggressive as he wants. But if I haven’t done that, can you just…be my friend?

Can we hang out without your penis bulging through your pants? Can we have a good time together allowing me to get to know you before you start asking me about my underwear?

I’m not really complaining, it just makes me feel sad and frustrated. I have a lot to give. I’m a leader. I’m positive. I have lots of creative ideas and I am intelligent. I genuinely want to see other people excel in their life goals. I’m not just here to be screwed.

I like to do it. Well..I used to like to do it, and I’d love to do it again, but I’m not going to until I’m sure the man likes me for ME.

Anyway…I thought about all of this today as I walked around my apartment. When I got to my room, I saw my bathing suit sitting on top of the suitcase. I decided to go out to the pool and lay out to get a tan since my friend Dianna joked that I was probably pale as hell from sitting in the house all day everyday.

I put on my 2 piece bathing suit, it’s the kind with the shorts for the bottom and the top ties around the neck. I was about to grab a t-shirt to cover it but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t believe it. I looked good! I turned around to look at my butt. Then I stood up close to examine how much my belly sticks out. It wasn’t that much. I don’t jiggle anywhere. I felt young again.

I grabbed a towel and stood at my back door, pausing for only a second before I…pulled it open and walked outside.

Outside.

In public.

With nothing but a 2 piece bikini on.

Outside.

I did it… Today.

And I didn’t feel ashamed.

I got my tan and I relaxed next to the pool until I started to sweat. Then I jumped in the shallow end and pretended to swim for a little while before heading back in to write and pray.

I know that God has not forgotten me. I just hope that I can stay positive until I see the next opportunity.

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

8 Random Facts About Ms. Tee that you don’t already know…

1. I smoked a blunt on my birthday.

2. I have one credit card that is almost maxed out.

3. I can go for days and days without remembering to turn on the television.

4. My car is red.

5. I fantasize A LOT about dominating “a certain” man sexually. I handcuff him so that I can tease him and he can’t do anything about it. ~sigh~ POWER …tee..hee

6. I wear hats a lot. When I do I feel like I’m a celebrity in disguise. People stare at me anyway.

7. I don’t know where I’m going…but I have faith I’ll get there and be happy about it.

8. I DON’T have a big booty.

9. Not tagging anyone…sorry. You know I don’t follow the rules!

I did a phone interview today for next week’s theme on my website, Embracing The Fantasy. It was with a friend of a friend who is out in LA trying to make her way as an actress.

It was wild because…I met her before when she was at Florida with me and I remember that I thought she was so…distinct. She definitely repped Miami hard and I was proud of that. She had the “look” of a superstar. I never got to know her though so today when we spoke I couldn’t believe it…I felt as though I was talking to myself.

As I asked her about her journey and her faith moves, her words gave off the same vibrations that mine do. She seemed hopeful and willing to try with everything that she had to make her career successful. When I asked her if she had a day job she told me, “I had one, but I told them that I wouldn’t be going back because…I just have this feeling that I need to be free. I have this feeling that something big is about to happen.”

I felt tingles.

Me too.

She told me how she woke up at 4am and remembered that she hadn’t called me back for her interview. She said that when she woke up she decided to pray and praise God for His blessing even though it hadn’t come through yet.

I’ll admit, I was choked up because…no one thinks like me about following their peace. No one operates on their “inner feeling”, that thing that lets them know what is right to do. Everyone rationalizes their decisions and I don’t. I follow what I feel is right. It seems like I am consistently judged because of that and it felt good to meet someone who was in tune in the same way. It felt so good not to be the only one.

I told her about how my friends are walking away from me because they don’t like the way I make decisions and she said, “Yep. That’s how it goes. That’s God. He’s showing you that it’s almost time.”

My website is such a blessing to me! Every successful person that I interview tells me their story and it confirms that I am doing the right thing. I have the right heart. I’m giving my gift as much as I can to anyone who will receive it and I’m not afraid to take risks.

Even though certain friendships are slipping away, the remaining ones are becoming stronger. I had a friend call me the other day and say, “I didn’t know who I could discuss this with because I didn’t want anyone to look at me funny.”

I understood what she was saying. She has a bestfriend but sometimes…you can’t talk to them about things. I felt like that about my own bestfriend during this entire journey. I would never tell her everything and sometimes I’d lie or pretend like everything was fine because I didn’t want her to worry. I knew that she and her boyfriend would probably sit up and analyze my decisions like they sometimes did with their other friends and I wasn’t comfortable with that.

My friend told me about what was going on in her life and I was shocked. I am definitely learning a lot about relationships from her because as she goes through issues she shares the process with me and I always remind her to do the right thing. I reminded her that she had a decision to make that so many others in her family had made but she had to look at their end result.

“Look at how their lives turned out because of what they chose to do. I know you’re going to do the right thing,” I told her.

Temptation comes in every direction and it seems so easy to glide by without anyone noticing your indiscretion but I tell every last one of the people closest to me, “If you are going to do wrong, you can’t be my friend cuz I don’t wanna hear that shit, I’m not gonna encourage you in that shit and that shit is gonna come right back on you and I don’t want to be anywhere near it.”

Why do you feel like you have to lie on someone to get others to dislike them?

Why do you feel that you have to push someone out of the way so that you can get your chance to shine?

Why do you feel that you have to create outside conflict so that your own dirt will be overlooked?

Everything you’re plotting will be revealed as surely as the sun will rise.

You think you’re getting over but you’re actually burying yourself with each scheme.

I don’t know what made me write that.

Ok..Bye.

I chatted with an old co worker of mine from the magazine in Atlanta today. I asked him about everyone and he gave me all of the updates. ~smile~

I guess you never miss what you had until it’s gone, huh?

Because I’ve worked for Black publications for most of my career I have had a wealth of experiences but none was as fun as the time I had in Atlanta at the magazine. I remember after I left then JB left to become an editor of another publication, we talked about making a movie about our experience at RO.

Some of the writers referred to the job as “the plantation”. LOL! There was so much drama, the good kind, and so many strong personalities. I would never give away that experience for the world! Even when I was there, I knew it wouldn’t be long term, but I’d sit back and just relax in the moment, wondering where each of us writers would end up in 5 or 10 years. I’d imagine us all sitting back as we ran our own publications and laughed about how we got our start.

Across the board, when you work for a publication, automatically the BEST people to get to know are the graphic designers. They are sooooo silly and creative and usually are laid back. There were 3 designers at the magazine and they all sat next to each other. Lord! LOL! The conversations they’d start! They need their own show!

The graphic designers at the newspaper in Miami were the same way and the graphic designers at the PR firm were cool as hell too! The graphic designer for the newspaper in Houston..man…we still keep in touch! In fact, I just realized..I keep in touch with ALL the graphic designers I’ve met. They are so non judgemental and just….cool with it. At one job, one of the graphic designers was my weed man. LOL! He’d bring my sack to work on his lunchbreak! Ahhh…Those were the days…

The writers at publications are always very emotional and kinda…high minded. They feel like they are just as important as the celebrities they are interviewing.

But the best thing about working for publications is the fact that there’s no heirarchy like there is in corporate America. Everyone’s role is equally as important and we have a strong system of interdependence which sometimes causes drama because if one person is slacking, the whole process is affected.

At the magazine in Atlanta, there were so many different characters. There was a lead salesman named Al who reminded us of Kramer. He’d bust in the door and kinda fall in and everyone would laugh. The people in the business office would come over and we’d make fun of them or they’d make fun of us.

The people who maintained the buildings were all a part of the family too. You had to be cool with them because they would let you know when a new shipment of t-shirts or hats would come in and they always rocked the latest promotional gear.

The sales people were so funny! They’d hassle you about getting the editorial for their clients in at the last minute. And they’d hassle me about assigning someone to cover various events to please the client. It was there that I learned that advertisers run the show. If you pay, you get press and for the first time I was told, “Allow them to proof the copy (story) before you send it for layout.” I was like, “WHAT?!” That’s a sin.

Working for a publication, you get to enjoy the perks. You get to go to all the shows and events for free, you get to meet all the celebrities and they would fly the writers all across the country to cover events.

I remember when National Spa Week came up on the calendar and I had to cover it. Basically, I invited my friend Kim to go with me and they pampered us and massaged us, gave us facials, manicures and pedicures and free food. All I had to do was write a story about our experience.

When Disney on Ice came to town, their PR department wanted us to cover it so I asked them for free tickets and I gave them to Tamara so she could take her daughter. Awards shows…walk right in. Club concerts… Here’s my press pass. I love being a journalist!

The BEST part about working there…for me, was the opportunity to interview countless businessmen and women. Millionaires and billionaires from across the country. You KNOW I asked them all to tell me about their keys to success and the characteristics they had to develop to become who they were.

It’s the same thing I hope to do with my website. I see now how all of those interests led me right here doing what I am doing now. I’ve always wanted to run my own internet publication that focused on inspiring people I just needed the experience and now I have it.

I received a response from my first BIG website sponsorship proposal. They said No. ~smile~ It didn’t upset me, it made me smile. I just thought about Kanye and how he heard so many No’s before he got his chance to shine. And even when he earned his opportunity, no one just handed it to him. He had to PUSH and make sure his voice was heard and look at my baby now! He is sooo the male version of me.

I dream of one day working with him on a few songs and maybe adding my own voice to a cut. I think we’d be great performing poetry together. I’m not interested in him romantically, but I’d love to see how brightly our stars could shine together.

Hahaa! My friend Marsha just texted me saying, “Hello ladies! Does anyone know a man who wouldn’t mind if I squeezed him up a bit? No sex, just some squeezes. I’m jonesing for some man loving. The devil is a liar! Pray for me.”

Girl… I really feel her. I crave affection and attention, although I don’t want just a squeeze. I’d rather men just stay away from me because I can’t be held responsible for my actions since it’s been sooooo long since I’ve been truly embraced. I feel so sorry for the next man who comes near me. If he touches me AT ALL, he’s gonna get raped. You can’t open the flood gates with Ms. Tee.

I’m aggressive.

~smirk~

My friend Ernest hit me up on facebook today. I almost died laughing when I read his message. He said that he thinks he is in love. “For real this time. LOL!” he wrote.

I called him tonight to hear all about it and he said for the first time he actually met a woman who seems to want the same things he wants at the same time.

He asked for updates on my friends and I told him that Tamara was getting married in December and Tonya was seeing some guy but it wasn’t that serious.

“So you haven’t met anybody you liked in Dallas yet?”

I rolled my eyes at him through the phone. I hate when my friends ask me that question because I can’t really say No, but then again, I can’t say I’ve been dating either.

I have a serious problem. I fantasize way too much.

I am so upset with myself. I feel like such an idiot. Everyone else has REAL men issues to deal with and here I am cuddled up with a bunch of fantasies about a man who has no interest in me. It hurts me that I feel so connected to him. It hurts me to think about him all the time. I feel so dumb, like I’m some desperate chick who can’t have the affection of a REAL man. I’m stuck on stupid ya’ll.

I wish I could let it go but I can’t. I promise myself that I won’t think about him any more. Sometimes I ask God to let me leave this city, but I don’t have peace about that. Ughhh…I’m such an idiot sometimes. If I could beat myself up I would. I pray daily that God would help me break this connection. Why am I worrying about his business? Why am I hoping the best for his family’s goals? Why do feel like I should be there to help all of his dreams come true?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I don’t want to be like this. I feel ashamed.

I hope I never see him again. I’m always repeating this same mistake of loving someone who doesn’t love me back.

Laugh if you want to, but this is so serious to me.

I wish he’d get a girlfriend or get engaged or something. Something to help me to know that he will be okay, so that I can let go of wanting to take care of him.

I know I seem like some love addicted fool, and I probably am. Maybe next month I’ll have moved on to a new fantasy love. I’m such a dumb ass sometimes.

Tonight I am going to pray really, really hard that I will wake up in the morning and have forgotten all about him.

I promised myself that I would try to write everyday. Writing keeps me sane.It helps me to feel like someone cares about what I’m feeling in my head and in my heart since I have no one around me who does.

I need this.

I woke up this morning feeling so good because somehow the floor softened up a bit last night. I don’t know what happened but I felt great. I immediately asked God to order my steps today and present divine direction for me throughout the day.

Then I said to myself, “And I will not think about him today.”

Then I realized- Doh! You JUST did it…dummy.

It’s not as deep as I made it seem last night. I guess I have so much going on in my mind lately and I am so lonely. I guess thoughts of him consume my mind because there’s nothing to replace it right now outside of prayer.

So far, he’s the closest thing I’ve met to my ideal man but thinking back to this time last year, it was my BBDD who held that position. A few months later when I moved to ATL, I met many men who surpassed BBDD’s accomplishments and then after I moved to Houston I met The Prez and he holds the top position right now in every area but…it could change if I open myself up to meeting more successful businessmen.

I don’t really want to because I want what I want (and I want HIM) but maybe thats the problem, maybe I need to stop trying to be in charge all the time and allow a man to choose me.

~raises eyebrow~ I don’t know about that…

I think the one thing that has been missing from ALL of the men that I label “ideal” is the biggest factor: INTEREST. None of them had ever been interested in me. ~laffs~ Isn’t that funny though? I think it is. I’m constantly shooing men away but the men that I like just walk on by like I’m a discarded penny on the ground.

But anyway…that’s not all I think about. I think about how good God is cuz my bills are still being paid miraculously. I don’t want to work on anyone’s job but I still apply to them. I feel great when they don’t call me back because I don’t really want to clock in anyway. I love to work hard, I just don’t want the silliness that comes with working in an office setting. I want to do my work and that’s all. None of that other mess. I want to give my gift and I don’t want to settle for a paycheck that comes with no satisfaction. I can have both.

I have come too far not to go for what I know I deserve.

I sometimes fantasize about God being my husband and that he doesnt want me to work because I’m his princess and he just wants to take care of me and spoil me and let me do what I love to do. I imagine that my husband will be the same way, spoiling me and expecting me to look good everyday and be ready for him when he gets home except…with my work ethic I’ll probably be up before him everyday trying to expand our business.

I think about my boys a lot. I try not to though because it hurts to nor be able to deliver on a promise. I have decided that I am going to bring them here but I don’t know when. I know we don’t have any family here or friends and that’s why I’m hoping to work from home. It won’t be a problem if they get sick and I have to be home with them. I don’t know why it’s on my heart to live here and I’ve said many times that there’s no reason for me to love this city but I do. I don’t know why.

I will keep asking God to help me be strong through the loneliness while I miss my kids and they miss me. I promised them that I would get them and I can not back out on my promise.

Kim is doing well. She’s living like a princess and volunteering and shopping and joining all kinds of groups and exploring Chicago and she’s STILL not working. Sometimes I feel so afraid that I’m jealous of her and I feel bad because I never get jealous of anyone…usually. Sometimes I am afraid that God loves her more because her walk is more comfortable and my back hurts so much from the burden of my own. Why do I have to be the strong one?

I try not to compare but shes the only person I talk to everyday and I truly appreciate her walk and her encouraging words and I don’t know why I’m on the floor and she’s about to move in her new house. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong and she did right. I know I shouldn’t be this way and I’m sorry but I am.

I really need a hug right now. I don’t know what to do. I am officially CELIBATE. ABSTINENT. FASTING FROM SECKS. NO PENIS IN THE AREA. Almost 8 months now…

Wow… And it’s not like I can’t do it, I just don’t want to. Who me?

I do what I want to do…But I guess right now..I don’t WANT to do it. Wow.

But I do want to do it, just waiting.

Like everything else in my life. Waiting…and trying to do the right things and have faith that…I can make it and one day I will be able to take care of my family without having to ask my children’s father for anything.

That is why I dream, for independence. Mine, theirs and yours.

I want my life to be an example of a woman who didn’t quit and everything she dreamt of came true. I hope that this journal I’m keeping will become my success story.

All in due time…

I feel so fat today.

I don’t know what is going on with my body. Regardless, I have been feeling great because most of the people I have contacted for interviews for my website have all said YES. They think what I’m doing is great and they are all eager to participate and be celebrated for their accomplishments.

After my website launched I had to do some serious revamping of my content style and the process in which my content is presented. There’s no way I can produce a whole month’s worth of content on one subject by myself so I decided to do bi-weekly fantasies instead. I’m excited about next week’s fantasy, it’s called Embracing Your Fantasy. I’ll share tips on how to become more imaginative and I’ll profile people who are currently in pursuit of their dreams. I’ll also feature the Rob & Keisha engagement story: Remember the Ritz. It has the details of what he did to make his fantasy engagement come true, how they met and when the wedding will be.

This website is a selfish venture I’ll tell ya. My website encourages ME everyday. I feel like it’s my little baby. Since I want readers to visit everyday, I mke sure to feed them a new story of inspiration everyday and so far everyone is loving it! I’m so glad!

I feel like my gift is being appreciated and that’s all I wanted. Now if I could only generate some steady income from it my next fantasy of bringing my children here with me will come true. If you enjoy what I’m presenting and you’d like to donate or advertise to support my cause, please let me know.

Because we’re almost done with the fantasy: Celebrating Yourself, everyday I’ve been in a good mood. Last night I posted an entry where I talked about exploring your strengths and weaknesses through researching the personality types. I learned that my personality type is INFP: The Idealist.

Damn that was a great read! I believe that besides being a great catalogue of my forthcoming success, this blog could also become a serious case study for my personality type. Just look at these excerpt from my research and tell me if you think what they are saying describes who I am based on what you’ve learned about me from my blog.

True or False?

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.

Who wants to heal the world more than I do?

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same – the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Call it intuition or imagination but I’m beginning to think I have psychic powers. Even when you don’t reveal yourself to me, I can tell who you are and how you really feel anyway. Sometimes I can even “hear” people’s true heart in words like if they are saying a sentence and they let it trail off or if they say one word I can tell they meant to say another but they want to hide what they really feel. But I don’t say anything, I just allow them to think I don’t know.

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

See! It’s not my fault I don’t like to clean up. Blame it on my personality type!

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don’t give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members’ of the group. In group situations, they may have a “control” problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living.

Ohhh…Control problem? ME? No wonder I’d prefer to work alone, at least I know my end result will be of the highest caliber. And Tamara tells me all the time, “You need to give yourself more credit, Tee.”

INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships. With the Feeling preference dominating their personality, harmony and warm feelings are central to the INFP’s being. They feel a need to be in a committed, loving relationship. If they are not involved in such a relationship, the INFP will be either actively searching for one, or creating one in their own minds.

INFPs tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a “more perfect” relationship or situation. They may also romanticize their mates into having qualities which they do not actually possess.

~relieved~ I feel better about being in love with my fantasy man. He’s probably not as wonderful as I imagine him to be but I love placing people on pedestals because I love to remind people why they are great. I can’t help it, it’s who I am and someone will love me for it one day.

One real problem area for the INFP is their intensive dislike of conflict and criticism. The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations.

~blushing~ Yeah… Tamara tells me I do that all the time. I hope she understands now and I’ll try to work on not being like that so much.

Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.

So true. Even when I want to quit in a relationship, I can’t because I’m loyal, especially when I feel like the person could benefit from my unconditional love. That is why, for the most part, I used to endure abusive relationships. I just won’t let go so the other person feels like they have to be cruel to me in order to get me to stop loving them so hard.

I love learning about myself and embracing who I am. Even though I sometimes compare myself to my friends…at the end of the day I am so glad I’m ME!