Sure, I do expect to obtain recognition and fortune as a result of my hard work.
Yes, I do expect to marry a brilliantly wealthy man who is kinda nerdy, but honors me.
But those are not my only expectations for my life. That’s not even a focus because to me..all that is a given. It’s what I deserve and desire and I will have the desires of my heart.
I have a gift that I want to give to this world. It’s a gift from my soul, passed to me straight from God. It’s the gift of an encouraging word, it’s the gift of laughter and fun through the rough times. It’s the gift of story telling, taking your life and painting it like Picasso with colorful words.
I follow my peace throughout this journey. If there is no peace, there is no Tee. It’s not something that I can explain to anyone. It’s not a checklist that I can show you so that it will all make sense. Most times it doesn’t even make sense to me.
None of this does, really. So imagine how I feel out here in this city with no one or nothing to fall back on, completely believing in faith in my imagined end. Imagine how I must feel when I dare to open my mouth and share my dreams with others. They look at me like I’m crazy. They tell me I’m unrealistic.
How dare you expect those things for your life?!
Why not?
All I know is…what’s in my heart to do. I’m loyal, almost to a fault sometimes so leaving anything behind always hurts my heart. Especially when I’m moving forward to the unfamiliar.
Even though the days are long…I can’t help but to remember my time in Houston and how long those days seemed. Now…those days are just…a part of my story. Nothing more. I can’t feel the sting of loneliness I felt back then.
I remember it, but those feelings have been replaced by new ones.
I know I’ve come a long way and I can’t give up now. I can’t change a thing about my past and I don’t want to. I can’t change a thing about where I am right now. By looking ahead I will move ahead.
I do wish I knew the magic path to success. I do wish that I could snap my fingers and all of my dreams had come true. I wish that I could move on from thinking about “him” and I wish that I could be the type of mother that I know that I am capable of being.
Since I live by the law of reaping and sowing I comfort myself by remembering that what I put out into this world will be returned, everyday, in every way. That keeps me accountable, keeps me humble and keeps me from reacting out of my emotions most of the time. I just…can’t wait to see it manifest, that helpful hand reaching out to me, saying, “This is the way. Here’s your chance.”
I seek God and his righteousness. I allow the people who show no interest in being a positive part of my life to walk away. I pray everyday and I fast from the things that would hinder me from hearing God clearly. I’m not trying to be a preacher I just want what God has for me. I want to be a blessing to this world, in all sincerity. Can a heart like mine be received and not judged as false, even though I expect honor and fortune?
I’m getting into that old mood again. The mood that had me trembling at night out of agony because no one is near to give me a simple hug. I don’t remember how I got through it the last time but I know I can get through it again.
But even through all my faith walking and talking I succumb to my emotions and ask God, “When is it going to be my time? When will all of this pain and loneliness be over? When can I reap the benefits of my faith walk? When can people start to see the glory over my life because of my obedience to you?”
I’m tired God. I’m tired of wandering.
I am ready for what you have for me.
I am ready.