I woke up yesterday earlier than I had to. I never use an alarm clock. I just program myself to wake up because I don’t like loud noises especially early in the morning.
I immediately called Kim, realizing that although I told her that I wouldn’t wake her up at 7am, I must have programmed myself to wake her up anyway. But when I called she was already getting dressed for her meeting.
I laid back down for another hour and she called me back to wake me up and I finally got up. I was excited because I found a group of women who does service in the community and I love to do community service. I live for it!
This group was meeting to volunteer at a food bank at 9:30 am. I got dressed, ate some oatmeal and meditated for a while before hopping into my car to find the place. I drove up and down for 20 minutes and I still couldn’t find the address so I called the contact number and no one answered. I called another contact number and still no answer.
I was pissed! Dude, I’m trying to volunteer. If the event starts at 9:30 we should already be there by 9:15. Where are these chicks?
Fuck that. I went home.
Around 9:50 my phone started ringing and I didn’t answer it. I have no time for tardiness. That is unacceptable. I won’t be attending any other functions with them.
My sorority sisters would have been on point and ready to serve. We operated in excellence!
I remember back when I was in college I was all about joining a sorority. There was only one choice for me, AKA. I considered the rest to be…imitations.
But AKA was not on my yard and I was greatly dissappointed. I still wanted to do service so I looked at the service sororities on my campus and I ran across these chicks who were wild as hell and they seemed to have so much fun together!
I attended an interest meeting but later learned that they weren’t having a line that semester. The following semester they invited me back to another interest meeting and I thought, “What the hell…I’ll pledge. It’s just community service.”
I WAS WRONG!
Those chicks had us on lock! They had us singing songs for their behinds, meeting in dark parking lots to practice skits and throwing parties for them. I would have quit the first week after I saw they actually were pledging us, but I didn’t want them to think they got the best of me. So Instead of quitting I became my line’s president and I went through so many freaking emotions as I got to know my line sisters and we tried to prove ourselves to our big sisters. Nothing we did was right. No project we did was good enough.
When one of our service projects was covered in the school paper, we were so proud but they just smirked and said, “Hmm…they listed you as Gamma Sigs. You’re not sisters yet.”
That pledging mess is pyschological, there’s no doubting that.
I remember one night there was a party and my friend (who wasn’t pledging) invited me to go out with her since we rarely saw each other. I didn’t really want to go since it was t-shirt day and we were required to wear our pledge t-shirts all day in public.
As we neared the entrance to the club I froze when I saw my big sisters walking in. Although they didn’t look my way I knew they saw me. ~whispering~ They saw everything.
“Come on,” my friend urged when she saw that I didn’t move.
“Naw..I can’t go in.” I said meekly and leaned against the wall.
“What?” She was confused.
“My big sisters are in there.”
“So?”
I knew she wouldn’t understand but I tried to explain. “My line sisters are coming to this party, but they’re not here yet. If I go in without them, I’m breaking the line and I don’t wanna hear about that shit in chapter.”
“Girl, please!” she said and rolled her eyes.
“Dawg. You don’t understand. I can’t go in.”
She was upset with me but I told her to just go in and I’d come in when the rest of my line got there. I called their cell phones and they said they were on their way. Twenty minutes later they finally got there and we walked in together, in our maroone pledge shirts, as a complete line.
Whew! I’m so glad that process is over. Looking back on it, it was fun but…I’ll never be a pledge again. If you don’t invite me, I’m not joining.
I looked around Dallas to see if they had any graduate chapters I could join but I didn’t find any.
I want to serve in the community. I want to organize events and raise money. I want to be a part of a group of women of excellence who are on point and precise.
I considered joining a Black professional organization but then after the last meeting I went to, I’m not so sure I want to do that because of…you know..the men.
They get on my nerves. They act like they never had pussy before. We’re all grown. None of us are virgins, I’m just a woman like all the rest of them. STOP TRYING TO HAVE SECKS WITH ME! Damn!
I feel like maybe I should auction off my Texas virginity to the highest bidder!
I just want to be cool and hang out. I want to make friends. When I am being myself, they are attracted to me. So when I switch up and am mean, they are attracted even more. I don’t know what to do. I don’t mind having men admire me but they don’t know how to keep it on the low. They move too fast and too aggressively when I have not given them any indication that I welcome their advances. If I like a man, he will KNOW. I will tell him. “Hey, I like you.” Then he can be as aggressive as he wants. But if I haven’t done that, can you just…be my friend?
Can we hang out without your penis bulging through your pants? Can we have a good time together allowing me to get to know you before you start asking me about my underwear?
I’m not really complaining, it just makes me feel sad and frustrated. I have a lot to give. I’m a leader. I’m positive. I have lots of creative ideas and I am intelligent. I genuinely want to see other people excel in their life goals. I’m not just here to be screwed.
I like to do it. Well..I used to like to do it, and I’d love to do it again, but I’m not going to until I’m sure the man likes me for ME.
Anyway…I thought about all of this today as I walked around my apartment. When I got to my room, I saw my bathing suit sitting on top of the suitcase. I decided to go out to the pool and lay out to get a tan since my friend Dianna joked that I was probably pale as hell from sitting in the house all day everyday.
I put on my 2 piece bathing suit, it’s the kind with the shorts for the bottom and the top ties around the neck. I was about to grab a t-shirt to cover it but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t believe it. I looked good! I turned around to look at my butt. Then I stood up close to examine how much my belly sticks out. It wasn’t that much. I don’t jiggle anywhere. I felt young again.
I grabbed a towel and stood at my back door, pausing for only a second before I…pulled it open and walked outside.
Outside.
In public.
With nothing but a 2 piece bikini on.
Outside.
I did it… Today.
And I didn’t feel ashamed.
I got my tan and I relaxed next to the pool until I started to sweat. Then I jumped in the shallow end and pretended to swim for a little while before heading back in to write and pray.
I know that God has not forgotten me. I just hope that I can stay positive until I see the next opportunity.