Author: TPatterson

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful…

I finally got a chance to read the latest issue of Essence.

It had been sitting on my coffee table forever. Blah, blah. I don’t remember reading anything special, except for In The Spirit by Susan Taylor, that was timely and beautiful. I hope one day to have as much of an impact on my readers as she has had on me. Her writing style is soothing and sweet. I write like that too sometimes, it’s my favorite style of writing.

After I was done I closed the magazine and glanced at the back cover. Queen Latifah’s beautiful face stared back at me in a Cover Girl ad announcing her new line of Cover Girl products; Cover Girl Queen.

Wow. I couldn’t stop staring at this picture.

She is a stunning beauty that has transformed herself into a maintsream money maker. She is respected and is contributing so much to society in terms of bringing self acceptance issues for women to the forefront in the Black community.

She is definately one of the leading Black female role models of today. One of my heart’s desires is to have the same type of impact on women across the globe. My heart is to inspire and change lives through my gift of written and spoken communication.

And…I’ve always dreamt of being a Cover Girl model. When I walk into Walgreens and see Eva or Queen Latifah, I get lost in the fantasy of one day walking in and seeing myself in one of those ads. Lauryn Hill would have been GREAT in those ads too.

I can see myself on a billboard as plain as day. It’s as if it has already happened and I am experiencing deja vu everytime I have that fantasy.

Hmm…

Queen Latifah is definately doing her thing.

Wait up Sister, I’m right behind ya…

Ubiquitous Writer

Last Friday I went to the Black Business Leaders Luncheon held at the Rusty Pelican restaurant. Even though it was Casual Friday, I wore my blue striped shirt with my grey pantsuit and glasses. I was feeling so good that I had my co-workers take a picture of me before I went.

I was so excited to go to this luncheon because I knew that I would be representing my company and possibly meeting most of the Black business leaders in my city.

My company VP and I arrived a bit early and when we walked in everyone was still mingling. I saw my old highschool activities director and went over to say Hi to her and my co-worker disappeared into the crowd to speak to whoever she knew.

I stook there by myself for a minute, put on my best face and looked around. “Ok, whoever is standing by themselves is going to talk to me.” I told myself.

To my left a guy was standing there with a smug expression on his face and his hands in his pocket. I walked over to him and introduced myself. He engaged me in coversation for a while. I teased him about being all alone and he told me that he didn’t really want to come but that his company told him to come so that they could fill up the table they had sponsored. He looked at his watch and shook his head. “UM (University of Miami) is playing right now and I planned to use my lunch break to watch the game, but I’m here instead.”

I laughed at him. He laughed too. “Poor baby,” I told him. I then explained to him how happy I am about my life right now and how exciting my future was. I was in an extremely great mood and all my cheerful banter came tumbling out as we stood side by side in the lobby.

After a momentay pause in conversation, he told me that he was going to find his table and that he hoped we’d keep in touch. He handed me his business card, I dropped it into my bag and walked off to meet the next person standing alone.

OH MY GOSH! I met so many people that day! I met commissioners, judges, doctors, business men and women! I met Mayors and assistants and lawyers too! The great thing about being introduced under my company’s name is the fact that my company president has a STELLAR reputation and being attached to that is great for me!

One judge said to me, “Welcome to the family,” referring to the Miami Business Leaders family. Our former commissioner spoke and she said something to the effect of the future of the city of Miami lies in the hands of our young leaders who are rising up to take the city to a new level. I felt chills when she said that. I knew she meant me.

mental note: Meet her.

Now with all of this networking and card swapping I only had one reservation.

1) I need to get some dental work done BADLY! ughhh! I have horrible teeth! I don’t even feel comfortable having a conversation because my teeth are too through! Everyone has a physical flaw and for me, it’s my teeth. Never had braces, chip toothed, stained, you name it. ~sigh~

My first goal is to get a dental makeover. I once wrote Oprah asking for help but she never got back to me. Oh well, we’ll see.

I got cussed out at work again today.

When I say cussed out, I just mean, corrected. Ofcourse I didn’t mind at all. You know I LOVE correction/direction.

DAMN THOSE PRESS RELEASES!

I can’t get one right to save my life! And I’m constantly holding up projects because of it. Today our company prez just said that she didn’t have time to teach me so she would do it herself. I felt kinda bad about it. I have done research on writing press releases and have lots of examples but when I sit down to write it, man, it’s so technical. It’s so structured. It’s definately a challenge for me. I want to master it but I realize that I can’t be great at EVERYTHING so I’ll continue to try my best which is all I can do.

I just wish she’d say, “Hey Tee, you don’t have to do those releases anymore. Go ahead and focus on script writing and feature writing which is what you’re good at .” ~sigh~ But she won’t. I’m going to be a very well rounded writer by the time this is done.

Ahhh… It feels so good to be caught up with my freelance work. I sold an artist bio on Friday! Yay! He liked it a lot. Good! Cuz I didn’t feel like doing it again. I also got a response from a certain Hip Hop magazine I was stalking.

EDITOR: Sorry, your idea is good, but your writing style is not to our taste. We’re looking for someone edgier.

Ahh… That’s okay. Hip Hop writing is wearing me down. I really want to stick to inspirational writing and feature stories. I just figured that I’d try something different and this is way more difficult than I thought it would be due to my extremely limited knowledge of the industry. Hey, you can only write what you know. Others who fake it, don’t make it far.

Now let me go work on my next story….

Whatever it is that is in your heart to do. Don’t wait, do it! You never know what a life change it could be.

My heart ached today.

Another go round at those press releases and they didn’t go well. They were assigned to another writer in the communications department and I was removed from the account. It was one of our more prestigious accounts too. While I’m glad that she trusted me to make me a part of the team, I feel kinda sad that I wasn’t able to come through. I just couldn’t learn in time and everything that I turned in was garbage.

Wow. For the first time in a long time, my writing is not up to par. Crazy! I’ve won awards and gotten so much praise over the years that I thought I was invincible when it comes to my writing. No one has EVER had to tell me to go do something again. Well… I guess there’s a first time for everything.

And this morning as I was trying to put together a listing of all the media in Atlanta I just…got stuck. I couldn’t do it. It’s as if my brain froze up. I kept looking at the diectories but I was so slow at making the database that an hour went by and I only had 5 stations on my list. I couldn’t believe it. For the first time in my life, I’m not working up to par.
I’m not shining. I’m not stunning. And then I realized what the difference is. This type of writing is very routine. It has no substance, no heart, no movement. Creating a huge database is basically data entry and I’m horrible with those type of jobs that I don’t have to think or interpret.

I can do something BIG like come up with an idea for a TV show, research and write the script, make a presentation to pitch the idea and sell my idea, but I can’t do a small routine task that takes no thinking like build a database.

What does that mean?

~sigh~

I went in to speak to my VP about my progress. I could tell she was shocked that I hadn’t gotten farther on my media list. I’m so good at feature stories, slogans and writing copy for brochures, but….

I told her that I really love the company and for the first time I’m connecting with people and I think that maybe some of them may even end up being my friends.

That NEVER happens on any of the jobs I have EVER had. I don’t make friends at work. I try NOT to make friends at work. But without trying I actually like some of them. I want to join them for lunch. I want to accept their invitations to hang out. I never did that at my old job or ANY job for that matter.

I like going there in the morning it’s just…My position. I’m not excelling. I’m not in the right spot. I told my VP all of this and asked her to pray that I will find my place or that God will move me to where He wants me to be. She asked if she could share what is on my heart with our company president and I froze, then I remembered that our company president is a mighty woman of God. She is FIERCE!

I wish you all could meet her, you would LOVE her! Not only is she beautiful she has the grace of a panther and the growl of a lion. She’s as alluring as Aaliyah but as regal as Phylicia Rashad. Being around her makes me want to soak in all the energy she has.

She knows my heart. She knows all I want to do is be an asset to her company. She knows that.

I guess the 3 month probation period is a good idea. It’s the time for you to see if you’re a good fit. It’s been a month for me already.

I trust God.

He has me there for a purpose. I can’t wait to find out what it is.

New Article

This article hit the internet last night!

The Contemporary Black Woman Holds the Torch Of Success

Notice there’s no byline but I promise- I wrote this at my job!

YAY!!!!!!!!

Shackled

Will I ever be satisfied?

People look at me and say, “Dang girl. Calm down. Slow down. Pay your dues.”

But I think I’ve paid dem shits times two.

My mind is working overtime churning out ideas on how to succeed. I’ve got a million of these. But still got kids to feed. People don’t feel me. They don’t understand my plight, they don’t recognize my might, their oversight is my delight.

I just wanna be FREE!

To rock this shit how it’s supposed to be!

Let me take the stage.

Hollup, let me get that mic!

Let me do my thang, with my southern twang- let me blow your mind!

You can’t confine this energy, this cinergy, this ministry, it’s here in me, you hearing me? I’m busting at the seams, with these dreams, visions, delightful kisses, wishes. It’s not supposed to be bottled up in me.

I see how they go crazy. Wanting desperately to showcase this hazy vision, but some men, can’t hear me though. They can’t feel my flow. They don’t even wanna know where I’m going. Cuz they can’t fathom getting there.

I cry tears of frustration cuz I’m ready to rock this shit!

You got me sittin in a fuckin cubicle. Writing bullshit, fallin asleep, collecting a paycheck, ends never meet.

I wish I could fly up outta here. I wanna take you too, but you won’t go with me. Cuz your mind is confined to the bottom line. You don’t see the blessing in this mind, these hands, this heart. I just wanna bless you. Let me show you what I can do.

FUCK

I’ve got so much to give.

So much talent.

So much passion.

So much love.

And you want me to keep running up this wheel?

Throwin Up On Myself

I feel sad because I don’t have anyone to talk to about all this.

No one will understand because no one I know wants success as much as I do. No one dreams as big as I do. No one FEELS as much as I do. Sometimes I want to cry because I just wish ONE PERSON would feel me on the hunger for walking in my destiny.

This is the type of hunger that makes people quit their jobs, walk out on their relationships and forsake their families. I have that! I feel like that!

But I won’t do that.

This is so deep. This need to prosper and not live check to check. This need to get my ideas out and heal as others heal with me and through me. It’s heavy in my chest like vomit. I wanna throw it up but it’s not going anywhere.

I don’t know why God made me like this. I wish I could settle for less. I wish I didnt KNOW that I was capable of having an impact on the world. Then maybe I could smile and sit quietly at my desk cranking out press releases and making some other person rich.

~sigh~

My burden is my gift.

All I can do is take it to God.

And so I will.

Till one day, every ray of light will be released through me and my radiance will shine brighter than the most brilliant star in the most pitch back sky.

I want it.

I want it all.

I have to get it.

The Day After Panic

I think yesterday’s panic attack came after I saw my 2nd paycheck.

It is significantly less than what I used to make at the private school. That’s because I had to take those days off to be with my son. My first check wasn’t even enough to cover my rent. It got to me. I’m here. I thought God brought me here. But I’m not making enough to take care of my family and I’m not contributing to the success of the company.

Some may say, “Just wait. Just wait. Prove yourself. You’ll be promoted then.”

I can’t tell my kids to wait to eat.

I can’t tell my soul to wait for satisfaction.

What I’d settle for right now is a wage that feeds my family without my having to consider asking their Daddy for money (which he makes NO contribution whatsoever) and the satisfaction of knowing that I am contributing to the success of my company in the best way I know how.

Will this fire be my medicine and my poison?

~sigh~

I can’t be content with just receiving a paycheck.

If I could just get some balm for my soul I’d be alright.

What’s up God? What’s going on? I thought this was my blessing.

Hot and Restless

I was hot and restless all night long.

My airconditioner has been broken for two weeks but I slept with my window open and the ceiling fan running and I didn’t sweat too much.

I woke up early because I knew that I had to drop my kids off to my Mama’s house and then meet the photographer at the source’s house to do the photo shoot for the story I’m writing. I couldn’t sleep well anyway. My mind was racing with strategies for making more money and I was consistently trying to explain my heart to God.

God, I’m not ungrateful. Please don’t think that. Please don’t be mad at me. It’s just…I want to be a blessing wherever I go and I am dissappointed that I am not excelling in this position at my job. If I’m supposed to go somewhere else, please let me know. I don’t want to collect a paycheck for doing nothing.

I want to be appreciated and positioned to bless others. I don’t know why things are going like this. You KNOW I have the talent and drive to do wonderful things in this company. But I’m so tired of having to explain to people how I can bless them. I feel like I’m constantly creating visions for other people and they don’t even see what I can see.

It’s like I’m forcing my vision on them. I need to stop that, because when they don’t get excited I get upset and start to think less of them because they don’t want more for themselves. I can’t help it. It frustrates me to be around people who aren’t planning for a BIG BRIGHT future. I want this so badly! I want to help so badly! I want to make her business GREAT! I don’t like to feel like I’m not helping her to prosper…

I got my sons dressed and I throw on a t-shirt, some jeans, my most comfortable pair of shoes and my favorite bracelet made of multi-colored beads that is about 3 inches wide. I was definately mix-matching colors but sometimes I like to do that and go out like- WHAT? I’m STILL CUTE!

I drop off my boys and hop on the road. I guess I overestimated the time it would take for me to drive to my source’s house because I was there 45 minutes early. I parked down the street and sat in my car thinking some more about my situation at work. I called Kim to chat and she told me that she was on the same page as me.

“Girl!” she said. “Just yesterday I was about to walk out on my job! I was feeling like NOW IS THE TIME! I can’t wait anymore! I need to be out there moving and doing my thing making my dream happen! I don’t wanna clock in on nobody’s job anymore. I have a destiny and I need to see it happen NOW!”

I almost cried. Finally, someone understands me. Although I still don’t know what Kim wants to do with her life… I’ll be there by her side while she figures it out and I love her passion and desire to live luxurious. I’m trying to convince her to come on board with me and manage my career. Together we can make some money and build our own empire. I told her she’s not getting her MBA for no reason. She’s going to run my company!

As it neared 8am, I wrapped up our conversation and pulled up to the source’s house. The photographer pulled up minutes later and we all hopped into our cars to follow the source and her family on her Saturday routine. On our first stop I got out, made some notes about the environment and we were off again.

On our 2nd stop I met a code enforcement officer and I figured that a few quotes from him would be vital to my story. By the time I finished speaking to him, I noticed that my source and the photographer were already in their cars headed to the next location. I rushed off and hopped into my car, put the car in reverse and BAM!

My car hit a bump. When I turned around to see what it was, I was shocked. It was the code enforcement officer! He had been leaning on his car when I backed into him. I hit him!

I jumped out and walked over. He kept assuring me that he was okay. The police were called, the ambulance came but he kept saying that he was fine. He even refused the paramedics. I told my source and the photographer to go ahead on the shoot without me and that I would call later to get more details.

I sat in my car in a daze. I can’t believe I hit a LIVE person! Oh my gosh!
The officer was so nice. She assured me that it was no big deal and then she handed me a ticket. Wow. A ticket. I think this is my 2nd ticket in my whole life.

Before they left, the paramedic stopped by to see if I was okay.

“I’m alright,” I told her.

“Hey, don’t worry. He’s absolutely fine. Sometimes things happen to get us to slow down. There may be a reason why you weren’t supposed to be on the road today.”

She’s probably right.

So off I went back to my Mama’s house to sit for a couple of hours until it was time to attend my little sister’s baptism. Her pastor is adorable. He looks like a man you would want to introduce as your father. She loves him so much.

When her turn came my eyes were wet as they dipped her under and brought her back up. My sister has truly grown. And so has our relationship. I will honestly say that if God had not become such an integral part of our lives we would not be friends. I respect her now. She is so focused on hearing from God and allowing Him to take care of her. She totally trusts Him. I love that about her. It’s cool that we are friends. Real friends. Most sisters don’t have that type of relationship.

After she “gave it on up to God” as I like to call it. We sat down in the sun and waited for the others to get dipped.

“That water felt good,” she told me and laughed.
“Let’s go to the beach.”
“Naw girl, I’m going back to work.”
“Dang! You mean to tell me you came and got baptised on your lunch break?!” I laughed.
“You know it! I went to Kmart last night and I have to make up for it.”
“Well, GET IT MAMA! Work it sista!” I said, snapping my fingers and doing a little booty shake in my seat.

I hop into my chicken nugget and head on home. My head had been pounding ever since I hit that guy and I decided to spend my day taking a nap.

But I couldn’t get my worries off my mind. I really don’t want to displease God with my feelings but I don’t want to dismiss my feelings either. I must have laid in the bed for hours with this monster headache. I get a call from my landlord asking me if I was cool yet.

Huh?

Oh snap. He fixed the a/c. I hadn’t even noticed.

I got up and spoke on the phone with several of my friends before heading over to my Mama’s house to pick up my sons. While I was there I decided to try to watch the Madea movie again.

It still stung to see the single mother fall in love with that handsome guy. I still cried when they kissed. My heart ached as he gazed into her eyes and told her that he loved her.

“Don’t believe him!” My heart sang, then quieted down after realizing what a ridiculous thought.

I had to call Tonya and tell her that I was trying to watch the movie and she encouraged me to finish it.

I’m glad she did.

Maybe a young mother who has had a rough past can overcome the fear of never being good enough to love. Maybe one day she can accept someone being sweet to her and treating her the way God intended. Maybe there ARE good men out there who will truly value a woman.

And maybe…One day. That woman could be me.

We’ll see.

Publish Me Baby

Everyday I can tell it’s becoming more and more like an addiction to me.

When I hear about a new publication, online or print, my mouth starts watering and I quickly flip through to see who the Freelance Editor is. I waste no time in sending a quick email and following up with a phone call letting them know that I am Ms. Tee and they have been waiting their whole careers to meet me.

Unreturned phone calls? That’s okay. I can call back. I’ll bug you if necessary until you tell me yay or nay.

Story Ideas? I’m FULL of them. Every situation in life is a story waiting to be told. Most times I am still IN the situation and my brain is recording the details to be retold later. I can FEEL myself noticing the little things that would be essential to a story. It’s mechanical almost.

I LUST after seeing my name in print. It turns me on more than any man’s touch. The site of my name spelled right..mmm…what a nice name I have. The curve of each letter, subtly touching each other. Innocently complementing each other. Rubbing each other the right way. Oohhh…

Very nice…

If I had to choose between getting published in some of my favorite magazines and eating for a week, I’d be eating paper.

I need it like I need electrolisis.

I want it like I want a housekeeper.

Make me happy, baby.

Let me tell your story.

K?

Internal Struggle

I pulled up to my house today with a clear mind. My headache was gone. My teeth had stopped grinding. All I could feel was the wind on the back of my bald head. It felt nice!

I walked in, kicked off my shoes while I shooed my sons into their room so that I could cook dinner. Yep, I said COOK. ~smile~ I made brown rice and sausages. Aww.. It’s a start. My boys ate it up!

Tomorrow I’m gonna make barbecue chicken and yellow rice. I’m so proud of myself. My goal is to go an entire week without microwaving anything. But that’ll come later.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

I feel a sense of relief after I made the decision to STOP being so proactive at my job and just do what the people ask me to do. My eagerness to be an overachiever is not getting me anywhere. I was hired to do a job and I should do just that with a cheerful heart.

I was asked once during a job interview, “What are you most passionate about?”

“Helping people to define and reach their goals!” I replied emphatically.

“Well, then please tell me how your passion can become your downfall.”

I was stuck. Huh? It was the first time I was speechless during a job interview. After taking a few moments I could see his point.

My passion is helping others to dream bigger and better and brighter and somehow making myself a part of that dream and assisting them in accomplishing it. The problem arises when I start to dream for someone who isn’t dreaming for themselves or doesnt want to dream or move forward. They have their own plans for their life and I try to force my vision on them. I guess it makes them feel like I am looking down at their life goals because they have no desire to dream as big as I want them to.

I’m sorry about that.

The same with my jobs. I can see why I annoy people now. I come in all eager to show everyone how I can help to change their world! I start my little pep talks about vision and goal setting which is very important to me and I assume it is important to everyone else. But it’s not. Not always.

So I alienate a few people with my grand visions always smiling and floating around confidently as though I just won an award. They probably think, “She think she betta than somebody talking bout changing the world! Talking about becoming an international best seller! Hmph. She ain’t better than me! So what if she’s talented!”

Although it may seem as though I’m trying to “run things” I’m not. I’m just trying to be a contributing force to the success of the company. I’m not trying to outshine anyone. I’m just naturally shiny. That was God’s gift to me. Same as these big ol boat feet and these big ol bucked teeth.

Well, today at work I decided not to put too much effort into creating new opportunities for myself to excel. After talking to Mimi last night I realized that I am searching for personal fulfillment in my job. That’s not a good place to look for that.

Instead of trying to feed my creative addiction at work, at least for now, I’m gonna focus more on feeding my desire in my own side projects. This way, I’ll look forward to going home more and my mind won’t be stressed with work.

I feel like my mind just took a nice warm shower.

Let me relax and follow instructions like the rest. I don’t HAVE to pave the way. I don’t HAVE to make a big splash. It’s time to focus on me and doing what I love to do.

Wow. Funny how things change.