The Day After Panic

I think yesterday’s panic attack came after I saw my 2nd paycheck.

It is significantly less than what I used to make at the private school. That’s because I had to take those days off to be with my son. My first check wasn’t even enough to cover my rent. It got to me. I’m here. I thought God brought me here. But I’m not making enough to take care of my family and I’m not contributing to the success of the company.

Some may say, “Just wait. Just wait. Prove yourself. You’ll be promoted then.”

I can’t tell my kids to wait to eat.

I can’t tell my soul to wait for satisfaction.

What I’d settle for right now is a wage that feeds my family without my having to consider asking their Daddy for money (which he makes NO contribution whatsoever) and the satisfaction of knowing that I am contributing to the success of my company in the best way I know how.

Will this fire be my medicine and my poison?

~sigh~

I can’t be content with just receiving a paycheck.

If I could just get some balm for my soul I’d be alright.

What’s up God? What’s going on? I thought this was my blessing.