Hot and Restless

I was hot and restless all night long.

My airconditioner has been broken for two weeks but I slept with my window open and the ceiling fan running and I didn’t sweat too much.

I woke up early because I knew that I had to drop my kids off to my Mama’s house and then meet the photographer at the source’s house to do the photo shoot for the story I’m writing. I couldn’t sleep well anyway. My mind was racing with strategies for making more money and I was consistently trying to explain my heart to God.

God, I’m not ungrateful. Please don’t think that. Please don’t be mad at me. It’s just…I want to be a blessing wherever I go and I am dissappointed that I am not excelling in this position at my job. If I’m supposed to go somewhere else, please let me know. I don’t want to collect a paycheck for doing nothing.

I want to be appreciated and positioned to bless others. I don’t know why things are going like this. You KNOW I have the talent and drive to do wonderful things in this company. But I’m so tired of having to explain to people how I can bless them. I feel like I’m constantly creating visions for other people and they don’t even see what I can see.

It’s like I’m forcing my vision on them. I need to stop that, because when they don’t get excited I get upset and start to think less of them because they don’t want more for themselves. I can’t help it. It frustrates me to be around people who aren’t planning for a BIG BRIGHT future. I want this so badly! I want to help so badly! I want to make her business GREAT! I don’t like to feel like I’m not helping her to prosper…

I got my sons dressed and I throw on a t-shirt, some jeans, my most comfortable pair of shoes and my favorite bracelet made of multi-colored beads that is about 3 inches wide. I was definately mix-matching colors but sometimes I like to do that and go out like- WHAT? I’m STILL CUTE!

I drop off my boys and hop on the road. I guess I overestimated the time it would take for me to drive to my source’s house because I was there 45 minutes early. I parked down the street and sat in my car thinking some more about my situation at work. I called Kim to chat and she told me that she was on the same page as me.

“Girl!” she said. “Just yesterday I was about to walk out on my job! I was feeling like NOW IS THE TIME! I can’t wait anymore! I need to be out there moving and doing my thing making my dream happen! I don’t wanna clock in on nobody’s job anymore. I have a destiny and I need to see it happen NOW!”

I almost cried. Finally, someone understands me. Although I still don’t know what Kim wants to do with her life… I’ll be there by her side while she figures it out and I love her passion and desire to live luxurious. I’m trying to convince her to come on board with me and manage my career. Together we can make some money and build our own empire. I told her she’s not getting her MBA for no reason. She’s going to run my company!

As it neared 8am, I wrapped up our conversation and pulled up to the source’s house. The photographer pulled up minutes later and we all hopped into our cars to follow the source and her family on her Saturday routine. On our first stop I got out, made some notes about the environment and we were off again.

On our 2nd stop I met a code enforcement officer and I figured that a few quotes from him would be vital to my story. By the time I finished speaking to him, I noticed that my source and the photographer were already in their cars headed to the next location. I rushed off and hopped into my car, put the car in reverse and BAM!

My car hit a bump. When I turned around to see what it was, I was shocked. It was the code enforcement officer! He had been leaning on his car when I backed into him. I hit him!

I jumped out and walked over. He kept assuring me that he was okay. The police were called, the ambulance came but he kept saying that he was fine. He even refused the paramedics. I told my source and the photographer to go ahead on the shoot without me and that I would call later to get more details.

I sat in my car in a daze. I can’t believe I hit a LIVE person! Oh my gosh!
The officer was so nice. She assured me that it was no big deal and then she handed me a ticket. Wow. A ticket. I think this is my 2nd ticket in my whole life.

Before they left, the paramedic stopped by to see if I was okay.

“I’m alright,” I told her.

“Hey, don’t worry. He’s absolutely fine. Sometimes things happen to get us to slow down. There may be a reason why you weren’t supposed to be on the road today.”

She’s probably right.

So off I went back to my Mama’s house to sit for a couple of hours until it was time to attend my little sister’s baptism. Her pastor is adorable. He looks like a man you would want to introduce as your father. She loves him so much.

When her turn came my eyes were wet as they dipped her under and brought her back up. My sister has truly grown. And so has our relationship. I will honestly say that if God had not become such an integral part of our lives we would not be friends. I respect her now. She is so focused on hearing from God and allowing Him to take care of her. She totally trusts Him. I love that about her. It’s cool that we are friends. Real friends. Most sisters don’t have that type of relationship.

After she “gave it on up to God” as I like to call it. We sat down in the sun and waited for the others to get dipped.

“That water felt good,” she told me and laughed.
“Let’s go to the beach.”
“Naw girl, I’m going back to work.”
“Dang! You mean to tell me you came and got baptised on your lunch break?!” I laughed.
“You know it! I went to Kmart last night and I have to make up for it.”
“Well, GET IT MAMA! Work it sista!” I said, snapping my fingers and doing a little booty shake in my seat.

I hop into my chicken nugget and head on home. My head had been pounding ever since I hit that guy and I decided to spend my day taking a nap.

But I couldn’t get my worries off my mind. I really don’t want to displease God with my feelings but I don’t want to dismiss my feelings either. I must have laid in the bed for hours with this monster headache. I get a call from my landlord asking me if I was cool yet.

Huh?

Oh snap. He fixed the a/c. I hadn’t even noticed.

I got up and spoke on the phone with several of my friends before heading over to my Mama’s house to pick up my sons. While I was there I decided to try to watch the Madea movie again.

It still stung to see the single mother fall in love with that handsome guy. I still cried when they kissed. My heart ached as he gazed into her eyes and told her that he loved her.

“Don’t believe him!” My heart sang, then quieted down after realizing what a ridiculous thought.

I had to call Tonya and tell her that I was trying to watch the movie and she encouraged me to finish it.

I’m glad she did.

Maybe a young mother who has had a rough past can overcome the fear of never being good enough to love. Maybe one day she can accept someone being sweet to her and treating her the way God intended. Maybe there ARE good men out there who will truly value a woman.

And maybe…One day. That woman could be me.

We’ll see.