My heart ached today.

Another go round at those press releases and they didn’t go well. They were assigned to another writer in the communications department and I was removed from the account. It was one of our more prestigious accounts too. While I’m glad that she trusted me to make me a part of the team, I feel kinda sad that I wasn’t able to come through. I just couldn’t learn in time and everything that I turned in was garbage.

Wow. For the first time in a long time, my writing is not up to par. Crazy! I’ve won awards and gotten so much praise over the years that I thought I was invincible when it comes to my writing. No one has EVER had to tell me to go do something again. Well… I guess there’s a first time for everything.

And this morning as I was trying to put together a listing of all the media in Atlanta I just…got stuck. I couldn’t do it. It’s as if my brain froze up. I kept looking at the diectories but I was so slow at making the database that an hour went by and I only had 5 stations on my list. I couldn’t believe it. For the first time in my life, I’m not working up to par.
I’m not shining. I’m not stunning. And then I realized what the difference is. This type of writing is very routine. It has no substance, no heart, no movement. Creating a huge database is basically data entry and I’m horrible with those type of jobs that I don’t have to think or interpret.

I can do something BIG like come up with an idea for a TV show, research and write the script, make a presentation to pitch the idea and sell my idea, but I can’t do a small routine task that takes no thinking like build a database.

What does that mean?

~sigh~

I went in to speak to my VP about my progress. I could tell she was shocked that I hadn’t gotten farther on my media list. I’m so good at feature stories, slogans and writing copy for brochures, but….

I told her that I really love the company and for the first time I’m connecting with people and I think that maybe some of them may even end up being my friends.

That NEVER happens on any of the jobs I have EVER had. I don’t make friends at work. I try NOT to make friends at work. But without trying I actually like some of them. I want to join them for lunch. I want to accept their invitations to hang out. I never did that at my old job or ANY job for that matter.

I like going there in the morning it’s just…My position. I’m not excelling. I’m not in the right spot. I told my VP all of this and asked her to pray that I will find my place or that God will move me to where He wants me to be. She asked if she could share what is on my heart with our company president and I froze, then I remembered that our company president is a mighty woman of God. She is FIERCE!

I wish you all could meet her, you would LOVE her! Not only is she beautiful she has the grace of a panther and the growl of a lion. She’s as alluring as Aaliyah but as regal as Phylicia Rashad. Being around her makes me want to soak in all the energy she has.

She knows my heart. She knows all I want to do is be an asset to her company. She knows that.

I guess the 3 month probation period is a good idea. It’s the time for you to see if you’re a good fit. It’s been a month for me already.

I trust God.

He has me there for a purpose. I can’t wait to find out what it is.