My 10 Letters
Things I’ve never said, but should have…
So Ms. Thang, you think you’re hot stuff. You know what? You are. All these years you’ve teased me, calling me, “Captain Bucky No-hair” and “Four eyed Tee with the bucky teeth.” But that’s okay. That was your role. You played it well. You’re grown now. FULL GROWN. I must admit I HATE it when you try to talk to me about sex. I don’t wanna hear about how many inches that nicca was. Ewww… I don’t wanna even THINK about you having sex. But I’m glad you have started to open up to me. It’s good that we can support each other now, cuz back then it seemed like a tug of war. I know I tell you all the time, but I’ll tell you again, I’m proud of you. You’re responsible, you’re sensible and you’re loyal. Those are important qualities and I’m so glad you grew out of that defiant stage. My favorite thing about you is the fact that I know for sure, if someone tries me, you’ll KICK ASS! 🙂 I need that kinda protection. LOL!
We grew up together. We battled each other due to dominant personalities and still managed to compromise enough to remain friends. You know, it really hurt me when we graduated highschool and I heard all these bad things about your reputation. I knew the real deal, I knew who you really were. All those people who talked smack about you, they don’t know you dawg. They don’t deserve to know you. Even though sometimes you made choices that I would have never made, I admire you because you kept your head up high through all the judgements passed down on you. While I would melt under the scrutiny, you stand tall. Sometimes I think you’re stronger than I am. Your willingness to try, mess up and try again, well, it AMAZES me. When I met you, I had no idea that we would know each other this long. I had no idea that you would know me as well as I know myself and that you would love me even on my crusty, fussy days. Every woman should be so lucky as to have a friend like you. B.F.F.
Hey You! Yeah, you. Damn you sexy. Damn you handsome. I’ve been waiting a long time to meet you. Honestly, I never thought I would meet you. I didn’t believe I deserved someone like you but there you are, loving on me in a way I never could imagine. You accepted me and my shady past. You accepted my emotional hang-ups and rigidness. You broke through my tough exterior and allowed me to love you. I love loving you. I love lotioning you down when you get out of the shower. I love spooning with you. I love fixing your food and kissing your ear lobes. I love the way you love my sons. I already love the baby you will give me and the many years and joys of parenthood that will follow. I know you’re out there somewhere. I know you exist. I know you’re looking for me and I hope we meet soon. I have so much love inside. I know I’ll make a good wife-I’ll cook if you clean. LOL! I won’t break your heart. I’ll treat you as if you are a gift from God, because you will be. Until we meet…
Dang girl! What happened to us? For years we were so cool, but something changed a lil while back and I can’t put my finger on what. Sometimes I try to sit back and figure it out but it’s a mystery to me. All I know is that I’m not feeling as close to you as I once did. What’s weird is that it doesn’t really bother me.
I cringed when you told me that you found me through the google search engine. That is what prompted me to change my url. I really didn’t want to be in touch with you anymore. That’s why when I left, I didn’t say goodbye to you. But you, Miss Aggressive, just didn’t take the hint. Once again, you barged your way into my life without an invitation. I run from you because when we were close, I was the absolute worst person that I have ever been in my life. Even when I was promiscuous I felt better about myself than when I was your friend. I felt obligated to hang out with you. I felt like you would guilt trip me into being your friend because of God, saying, “You can’t just walk away from me, God put us together for a reason.” I would try to explain to you that God loves me and He wouldn’t do me like that but you wouldn’t listen and I felt guilty so I stayed being your friend. That whole time was so messed up. You were manipulative, gossipy and plain out selfish. Dawg, I saw those qualities early on and if it wasn’t for me trying to please God and love everyone I would have left your behind alone from the get-go. But on the real that whole church experience had me dealing with a lot of guilt, so I’m glad I left. I check on you from time to time because I really did love you. Not in the way you said I was supposed to but in a detached way, it’s still love nonetheless. I don’t wish bad on you. I just wish you would allow me to define the parameters of our relationship. And right now, while I’m still stinging over how ugly I was when we were friends, I would rather not talk to you at all. I’m still healing from that.
Dammit. I hate the fact that I see you and I still melt. How come I think you’re so georgeous and everyone else in the world thinks you’re ugly? I guess love is blind. What I miss most about you is having sex on a regular basis and how you would just swallow me with your big arms and stroke me with your big hands. You’re so damn black- mmm, that’s so tasty. I don’t think anyone is blacker than you. What I don’t miss is you comparing me to all of your female friends. No, I’ll never be as good a conversationalist as your bestfriend’s girl. No I’ll never be as good a cook as Lissette but I have good qualities too. I don’t think you ever recognized that. Sometimes I think I was just a trophy for you cuz you sure liked to pick out an outfit for me and parade me around. You say I’m too ghetto, but you know you like that. I’m your wet dream from the day you turned 15. That ghetto beauty chick from round the way. That chick you always wished you could get, but then you got me and didn’t know what to do with me. So you tried all you could to decrease my worth and it worked cuz I lost myself in you. What a fool I was. Snuffed my bright light. Took me years to replenish the shine and now I’m back with even more carots than before. So as you marinate with that dorky chick thinking back on how I use to make you scream while I took care of all of your needs. I want you to remember that you could have had it all. It was right there before you all on a platter, doesn’t matter- now. You just lost out.
I think of you as my brother but it’s weird cuz I’m definately attracted to you. You know how we get down. ~winks~ You know how tight we are. I appreciate you on the level that I appreciate my bestfriends. You say the words that every woman needs to hear. I wish everyone had a friend like you. When I call, you come running. I like that. Though I know we could NEVER be together in a relationship it’s fun sometimes to pretend like we are. Like peanut butter and jelly, we just go together. You make me laugh. You make me mad. You make me sick most days. But on the right day, you make me feel like I could fly without wings.
Never before have I been in such conflict over how I feel about a person. Never before have my opinions changed. Growing up I used to hate you because I felt like you were so negative and always accusing me of doing crap that never even crossed my mind. And no way did I believe that ALL boys were just out to get my panties. Uh, so sorry. You were absolutely right about that. But on the real, I don’t know what got into you that night. I didn’t even know it affected me this much until I had my sons. My biggest fear is that they will be molested like I was. I know I treat you funny when you’re around them, but can you blame me. I keep a close watch because I’m afraid for them. In my heart I know you love them and would never hurt them but I thought you felt the same way about me.
You’re my honey bun. My sugarbear. My coo-coo pop. My lover bunny. You’re my little man. I love you more than I love myself. You are my reason to live. You are my driving force. I hope that you will always love me the way you do now. I hope you will always think I’m beautiful and wonderful and splendid. I will never, EVER stop believing in you and doing whatever it takes to make sure you are comfortable and well taken care of. You’re my gift. I’m your gift. Thank God for you.
It’s been a minute since I felt the intensity of your presence. I know you’re still there. I know you care. I know you smile down on me everyday. I know you weep for me because of my rocky start in my relationship with you but you have a path set out for me that will guide me back. There was no better feeling than when I was completely delighted in you. I would wake up in the middle of the night praising your name and wake up in the morning singing and telling you how much I love you. Now, my mind is so focused on trying to become financially secure that I forget to just let go and trust you. But see how you are, even better than all my wonderful friends combined. You still adore me and will use me to be a blessing to others, even when I know I don’t deserve it. Always, your baby. Ms. Tee
