Author: TPatterson

Who am I but a tiny ant in an ant farm

God holds the glass case

Glancing my way, checking up on me

See, although I can not fathom His greatness

I can feel His presence

I can feel His passion welling up in me

Yet day by day I fulfill my mundane tasks

Inside my spirit cries to break free and be

What He intended for me to be

I’m climbing this hill

Carrying this load

I see the world around me plus the weight of my soul

My past mistakes lead to super responsibility

And I carry these daily

Mentally and physically

All I want is once chance

One chance

To do my thang

Open myself up

Let u see, what’s in me

To heal you and me

Intimately

You feel me

As much as I am down for Him

As much as I was cleansed from sin

As much as I invite you in

I still can’t stop this fight within

To dare to dream and dream again

That one day

I

Will write

Change your life

Make you smile

With these keys

Can I please

Share my world

Share my love

Become one with you

Through

Simple words

On a screen

I see you in me

Be one with me

I went to Miami this weekend. There seems to be a lot more Spanish people than I remember. It has been a year but I don’t know…

I went on a visiting spree starting early Saturday morning with Marsha. We went to breakfast and then to Aventura Mall where I found the cutest pair of Capri’s, they have cherrys in all the right places. LOL. Im gonna save them for the right occasion.

I went to see my cousins, my biological father, my father, my grandma and so many others. I even got to see Dianna who came to watch me get dressed for my outings.

My favorite part was hanging with my former uncle Curtis. He has a nice apartment and he’s a really sweet guy.

When I got back to Gainesville my stomache tightened and my spirits drooped. I had just left my family, my friends, the beach to come back to a place that is not so inviting.

I love Gainesville, I do. I just would love to have some fun every now and then. When everyone you know has moved away and you’re still in the same place it makes you feel like you havent accomplished anything.

For real, the only reason I’m still here is because of my church. I fell like God wants me to be there. But honestly my church is the most stressful part of my life. I think I would be less stressed out if I went elsehwhere, or Maybe I’m wrong.

There’s nothing like the Word at my church. It is the BEST word I have ever heard- Lifechanging and Powerful and always on point. It’s different and fascinating and they are training up an army of powerful people to represent Christ. I just sit back in awe sometimes at the wisdom displayed by my Pastors.

I have a good relationship with my Pastor, but that’s about it. I’m not involved in anything. I dont have any friends. I dont really like anyone there too much. No one seems interesting to me. My Pastor keeps trying to hook me up with women that I find absolutely boring. I mean for real, snoozeville.

And because of my tendancy to please people, I am in constant self-condemnation because I can’t bond like My Pastor wants me to. I try to force myself to like some of these women but there is absolutely no spark.

This is the most frustrating thing about church. I just want to go and chill. If I dont want to talk to anyone or hang out then cool, but thats not how they do it there. They preach a strong word about us all being family. Well, I dont feel like family. Maybe I’m not supposed to be there because if I were, wouldnt I feel like family?

I feel like God wants me there. But then I wonder if God wants me to be in this state of complaceny and just BLAH. My life is BLAH. Nothing to look forward to, escept my sons. No fun girls nights anymore since all my friends have left except for Ruby. It’s just me, my computer and my unlimited long distance.

Does God want this for me? Or would God want me to be with my family and have my sons grow up knowing their family. I’m so isolated up here. I spend holidays alone. What kind of mess?

If I get a job offer anywhere in Miami it will take a hurricane to keep me from accepting the offer.

So, It’s official. I’m planning to move to Miami. I know my Pastor won’t like it, but I have never heard of my Pastors agreeing with anyone moving away. I just dont want to be up here because I’m afraid to have them mad at me for leaving.

Sometimes, I worry more about what my Pastors will think than what God will think. That’s unbalanced.

Pray for me.

Yes, I’m on a search. A search for peace and love. Not romatic love just that love that knows no boundaries. That love that withstands issues and fears. That love that looks past mistakes and bad habits.

I’m beginning my job search and I am nervous. I have asked God to lay it all out if it is in His will for me to move but I can not fathom that He would want me to stay here with no support and no pleasure. Like I said before, my church is great, but my church is only a small part of my life.

I dont know what is about to happen. Honestly, I’m scared. I’m uncertain. I know where I want to be in life but I dont know how I will get there. Right now I’d settle for a little pleasure and being around people who actually enjoy my company.

I’m hopeful because I can see all the good that will come out of this move. Yes, I know family is never perfect and being home will just be a different kind of stress, but you can’t remain stagnant forever.

But what about spiritual growth? Will this move be good for my spiritual life? Right now I dont see how. There are only a few friends in Miami who are saved and they live extremely busy lives. But just like I found a good church here I can find another one. I’m tired of feeling like my salvation is tied to my attendance at my church.

Do I trust myself to still serve God in a different atmosphere, with much more freedom? Is my relationship with God based on the fact that there isn’t much else to do? Up here there’s no trouble to get into. No men to snare me. No temptations. It’s safe and its easy and I always know that I’m pleasing God because I dont do anything but sit up in my apartment and talk on the phone. Nothing too risque.

I feel like I’m a different person than I was the last time I lived there and through my growth I have grown past a lot of things. Yeah, i’ll admit it, I was a hoe. Undercover as ever but still promiscuous nonetheless. I think I still have some hoeish tendencies in me that remain dormant while I am here under the tight constraints of my church covering.

Sex is not a struggle for me. I dont struggle everyday, but every once in a while I just want to get beat down. Excuse me if that was too harsh but it’s how I feel. Most times I’m not bold enough to go do it, but there’s always the rare slip-up.

I’m not a club person but i like to get dressed up and walk around looking cute. I dont know.

All I know is I can not conform to what my Pastor wants me to feel. It will have to come from my own heart. So far, I’ve been doing everything out of obedience to him and not my own desire. Am I doing things just to please Him? Yes. Do I think this honors God? I dont know.

God said He will never leave me nor forsake me. And I dont plan to walk away from Him either. SO i have to trust that my heart will line up with His and I will be EXCITED about His will for my life. If He wants me to stay here, away from all the people that love me, then He has to change my situation and make it so I have some love here.

Who wants to go through life feeling like they are unloved and unappreciated?Everyone wants to be loved.

Ruby is going through the same situation I am. She’s about to move to Atlanta. Check out her journey as she searches for MORE…

MissBeauty

Ruby got the job with the Business Travel Division at the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead so she’s off to fulfill her dream of moving to Atlanta.

Ohhh, I only had two friends here Ruby and Mimi and now Ruby is outta here. I’m gonna miss my friend.

To my Uncle Pete, Muvie, Clean Up Woman, Ms. MAC Cosmetics- I LOVE YOU and goodluck!

Is this God’s will?

Yes, I want to move back down to Miami. To have family around, to have friends around, to be in a place where I can further my career or at least work in a job that has SOMETHING to do with my passion. But, is it God’s will?

Will I be patient enough to wait and hear His voice or will I allow my emotions to make me act before I receive a confirming word?

Damn, why is this so hard? Before I was in Christ I could do whatever I wanted to, life was so carefree. Now, i consider God in all my decisions and believe that He will guide me. Hoping I dont hear misinterpret what he is saying. That is so stressful for me. It’s no longer about me. It’s about God’s plan for me and sometimes His plan is not lining up with my plan.

I’m gonna bite the bullet on this one. Yeah, I’m not happy here. yeah, all I want is some friends like Dianna, Marsha and Susan around me. Yeah, I could be working for a nymber of magazines, newspapers, in PR or Marketing if I moved to Miami but…Is that God’s will?

You know, I see what He has promised me. And I hurt. I hurt right now because it’s not here yet. Right now I just want some sort of pleasure instead of all this pain and loneliness.

Wouldn’t it be just dandy if God’s will for me was to stay here and stay at this church that I dont feel joined to? Wouldn’t that be the hard road, the thing people talk about when they say, “Carrying your cross”? As Christians aren’t we supposed to endure some heartbreak, some pain, some misery, because that’s how we show God we appreciate what He did for us by sending us His son?

Well, I dont know the answer to that one, but if heartache after salvation equals appreciation to God, then I already presented Him with a great big trophy.

Lord, if you hear me. Please speak to me. I’m your baby. I just want to be loved. I just want to please you and be in your will. But why does your will always seem to be the rough road? When will I live life abundantly?

A couple of hours ago I was filled with rage. It seemed like a demon had taken control of me.

I was cursing, screaming and crying and plotting ways to end my life, all because my flesh wanted to be defiant against God’s plan for my life.

I’m not going to Miami and it’s not because my Pastor told me not to go. It’s not because I didn’t get any job offers. I’m not going to Miami because my season here at my church home is not yet complete. God has some major work He wants to do in me. God has been challenging me in the area of loving everyone and I have yet to submit my will to His.

I’m picky about the women I have around me. If you’re not on-point, if you’re not tight, if you dont have a quality that I admire, I turn my nose up at you. I’m very shallow, even though I call myself deep. So God wants me to be healed in this area. He wants me to learn to love everyone no matter what kind of clothes they wear or how their hair looks. He wants me to share the gift of me; my sassiness, my sweetness, my wisdom, my personality with everyone, not just an elect few.

Because I have this passion for inspiring and uplifting women through my writing and my words, I need to learn that there may be some women that I dont find desirable who God wants to use me to reach. If I’m acting all uppity and stank, then they could miss their deliverance and I dont want that on my hands.

So yeah, it hurt when I heard that word from the Lord. When He told me that I needed to stay right here, regardless of my feelings so that He could continue to train me up. No, I’m not excited about yielding to God’s will. Honestly, I just want the tight friends I have and no one else, but God wants me to be a blessing to many more.

If I were to go to Miami right now, It’s not guaranteed that I would fail. I could prosper and be happy but it would never match up with what I could have, who I could touch with my gift of writing and encouraging. I will blessed beyond my wildest imagination if I were to wait until I am shaped into the woman God wants me to be.

Just because there is an open door, doesnt mean you should walk through it. God is not always the one turning the knob, the enemy can turn a knob just as smoothly.

The point is to be where God wants you to be, and to rejoice even when times get rough, just because you are certain you are where you should be. You are in His will, the best place to be.

It’s not magnetic, it’s not majestic, it’s not even exciting, but right now, in this crazy state of feeling alone, missing my friends and wanting more from my career, right now, this is where God wants me to be.

Yeah, it hurts. It hurts so much not to be able to just up and fly away. But I am being purged of everything God doesnt want in me. And when He is satisfied with my progress, I will be a much bigger blessing to my family, to my friends and my children. I just have to hold onto His promise and remember to rejoice because God is pleased with my obedience.

Remember, being in Christ hurts because you are dieing everyday. It’s not about you, it’s about glorifying Him. Your sacrifice and pain will never amount to the tears and blood He shed on the cross. So take it like a soldier and brush the dirt off your shoulders.

Don’t you think for a minute that just because I heard that word I’m joyful about it!

I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I dont want to be up here by myself. I dont want to be alone like this. I dont want to have to beg and form friendships out of obligation. I just want to go home and be a writer and have fun with my friends.

This shit aint easy by a long shot! This hurts so much. Having already been contacted by companies in Miami who want to give me a shot and knowing that is where I want to be, thats messed up. It’s like God is saying, “Na, nani, na, na” You can’t have none of this. You can’t have what you always wanted. You stay your behind right here and do what I say. You be miserable right now cuz that’s where I want you to be. In the long run, it’s for your best.

Well you know what…. wait… I’m shaking over here. I was about to curse God. But my heart is so obedient to His word that I can’t. I have to stay, trembling and hurting, Stay right here.

Damn… I got to stay here.

There has to be some good point to this. God you have to show me a bright spot or I’m gonna go crazy.

I have been submissive. EXTREMELY submissive. I’ve always been that way because I want to find someone who will be satisfied with me. BUT I think that my submission is only to please my Pastors. I worry more about what they will think than I worry about what God will think. It’s become a fact that I don’t fear God’s opinion of me, I fear my Pastor’s. I am out of balance. My submissivness only leads to more criticism and strict guidance. When ppl see I am eager to please, they take the reins and don’t let go.

Youre right I don’t absolutely love everyone in my church. BuT I don’t hate them either. I’m just not interested. I don’t feel bonded. I don’t feel like family like they all say I should. My Pastor says that is a sin. That if I reject them then I reject God. This causes further bondage because I can’t get my feelings to line up with how he wants me to feel. And again I feel like I am disappointing him. I always disappoint him anyway. See, it’s not about what God wants me to do, all I worry about is what my pastor wants me to do, and I feel like I never measure up because he’s constantly challenging me in some area.

I feel so much bondage and hurt when I am there. I don’t know. What does it take for a person to know when it’s time to go? Am I automatically doomed to hell the minute I leave Gainesville? Is my church the only place God can train me up? Will my life be totally ruined because I choose to go and be with my family? I am trusting that I will get a clear word from the Lord. I dont have peace. I want that peace that surpasses…. I want the peace of God and an excitement about staying in His will for my life. I don’t want to cry every 15 minutes like I have been doing since I decided to stay to try to make friends like he wants me to. I don’t want to have to pull over on the side of the road and have to duck into the ladies room because I can’t control my tears.

I’m looking for a peace. I’m looking for a peace. And when I find it, I will know. I am standing firm that God’s will for my life will lead to peace, not bondage and heightened misery like I am shackled.

My sorority sister Shay emailed me today encouraging me to look for the peace of God while I am making my decision on whether or not I should move back home to Miami.

This word brought a peace of its own to my life. Since we know that God is not the author of confusion, anything that comes into our lives to confuse us and steal our peace is not of God.

I guess you’ve noticed by now that I have been in confusion about my relationship with God. I realized today that I have not heard from God, on my own, since I first came to my church almost 2 years ago.

Since i came to my church I have been proclaiming my Pastor’s words and the words of my friend Mimi as God speaking to me. I have become dependant on them to speak to me as God would and I have stopped trusting God to speak to me on my own. I know, that’s sad but today I realized that this was actually God speaking to me. I didnt have to call my friend to have her tell me this, I didnt have to hear from my Pastor.

God wants to speak to me directly. He has done it before and He will do it again if I will trust Him and take the time to listen. I trust God. I trust that He loves me and He promised to be with me until the end, so regardless of the people who say those words but only mean that they will be with me until I stop doing what they want me to do, I know God will never forsake me.

I’m still praying about my choice to move. I have been looking to make a move for a while and now that i have Miami on my heart, there’s nothing wrong with checking it out. So, i’ll send out my resumes and go on some interviews. I trust the Holy Spirit in me to guide me and help me to make a decision that will glorify Him, regardless of everyone’s opinion.

Shay also suggested I listen to Joyce Meyers. If you have never heard her teachings, she is an excellent Bible teacher and encourager. What she taught me tonight is that my joy is a choice. If I am in Christ and I allow my circumstances to steal my joy then I am allowing the enemy to win.

No, I’m not expecting a midnight transformation. I know changing my attitude and comfort level around people took will take some time. But I am open to change.

I’ve changed so much and most people who have known me for years don’t realize it. I am not the same girl I was when I was 19. I am a woman now. I have different attitudes and opinions and I live a totally different lifestyle. But i can’t get mad at them if they expect the same old me.I have to be patient and persistent in showing them the new me.

Yeah, I had some bad habits when I was younger. I couldnt handle stress well so I would go off and have a fit. I would sometimes get depressed and crawl into my little hole and hybernate leaving my friends and family worried.

I am determined to enjoy my life. I am determined to change my attitude about focusing on the things in my life that are bad and focus on the good things.

There ARE good things; my sons, my friends. God has even totally resurrected my relationship with my stepfather and given me love for him. I never thought it would happen but I love him! We went through so much drama and pain but all that is in the past. Once we let that go, we can enjoy each day.

Forget the past. Remembering it and reliving it and reminding yourself of how bad someone hurt you is a bad choice. You can choose to forgive and love. You can choose to accept people as they are, not trying to change them but trusting that God will. You can’t be the source of someone’s salvation. That only comes through Christ. What you can do is love them with everything in you, the way you know how. Don’t feel like your love has to be identical to someone elses.

If it’s not in you to have parties every weekend and cook meals for everyone, then don’t. I bet when someone needs an encouraging word, you’re there, or when someone needs a listening ear, you’re there. That is love too. You dont have to conform to others idea of love. I know I have love in my heart for everyone. I may not show it like some would say I should, but there will never be a person in need around me if there is something I can do to help them.

Be yourself. Enjoy yourself. There’s something about you that people love otherwise they would choose not to be around you. You are a good person, you are worthy. Don’t be afraid to love. Dont be afraid to receive love.

God wants us to have love each other, each in our own way.

Now go and show some love, the best way you know how.

SO I was driving down Archer road yesterday about to make a right turn when I pass this bicyclist on my right hand side. As I put on my blinker I look behind me and notice that he is approaching fast so I slow down, thinking I’ll wait for him to pass. Then I hear, “Ohhhh F*&#$!” as he slams into the rear of my car. It turns out he was behind me instead of on my right.

Thank God he was wearing a helmet because his head hit my rear windshield hard. I stopped my car and got out as he untangled himself from his bike.

“Are you ok?” I ask him.

“Ofcourse not. This is a $5,000 bike!” he replies.

“Dang, you paid $5,000 for a bike? My whole car is only worth $750, probably less now.” I remark staring at the huge dent in the back of my car.

He called the police and we filed a report. I was a little nervous when the officer exited his vehicle. You know, I never had any good experiences with the po-po’s. But this man was short, stocky and very nice to me. He filled out the proper forms, didnt give me a ticket and assured me that it was okay, accidents happen all the time.

Maybe the world IS changing…

It’s FRIDAY! I got the whole weekend to play with my boys and chill out. Life is kinda chill right now.

Peace to everyone who reads this.