A couple of hours ago I was filled with rage. It seemed like a demon had taken control of me.
I was cursing, screaming and crying and plotting ways to end my life, all because my flesh wanted to be defiant against God’s plan for my life.
I’m not going to Miami and it’s not because my Pastor told me not to go. It’s not because I didn’t get any job offers. I’m not going to Miami because my season here at my church home is not yet complete. God has some major work He wants to do in me. God has been challenging me in the area of loving everyone and I have yet to submit my will to His.
I’m picky about the women I have around me. If you’re not on-point, if you’re not tight, if you dont have a quality that I admire, I turn my nose up at you. I’m very shallow, even though I call myself deep. So God wants me to be healed in this area. He wants me to learn to love everyone no matter what kind of clothes they wear or how their hair looks. He wants me to share the gift of me; my sassiness, my sweetness, my wisdom, my personality with everyone, not just an elect few.
Because I have this passion for inspiring and uplifting women through my writing and my words, I need to learn that there may be some women that I dont find desirable who God wants to use me to reach. If I’m acting all uppity and stank, then they could miss their deliverance and I dont want that on my hands.
So yeah, it hurt when I heard that word from the Lord. When He told me that I needed to stay right here, regardless of my feelings so that He could continue to train me up. No, I’m not excited about yielding to God’s will. Honestly, I just want the tight friends I have and no one else, but God wants me to be a blessing to many more.
If I were to go to Miami right now, It’s not guaranteed that I would fail. I could prosper and be happy but it would never match up with what I could have, who I could touch with my gift of writing and encouraging. I will blessed beyond my wildest imagination if I were to wait until I am shaped into the woman God wants me to be.
Just because there is an open door, doesnt mean you should walk through it. God is not always the one turning the knob, the enemy can turn a knob just as smoothly.
The point is to be where God wants you to be, and to rejoice even when times get rough, just because you are certain you are where you should be. You are in His will, the best place to be.
It’s not magnetic, it’s not majestic, it’s not even exciting, but right now, in this crazy state of feeling alone, missing my friends and wanting more from my career, right now, this is where God wants me to be.
Yeah, it hurts. It hurts so much not to be able to just up and fly away. But I am being purged of everything God doesnt want in me. And when He is satisfied with my progress, I will be a much bigger blessing to my family, to my friends and my children. I just have to hold onto His promise and remember to rejoice because God is pleased with my obedience.
Remember, being in Christ hurts because you are dieing everyday. It’s not about you, it’s about glorifying Him. Your sacrifice and pain will never amount to the tears and blood He shed on the cross. So take it like a soldier and brush the dirt off your shoulders.