Month: March 2011

I am so tired of THINKING!

Ugh! My head hurts.

All day long and all night long I am thinking of new features, new ways to attract women, new features to explore, new groups to reach out to, new ways to market, new people to partner with, new bloggers to profile and so much other shit.

My head is spinning. I am obsessive. I need to learn how to turn it off for a minute. I am so tired. So tired. But this is only the beginning. I am grateful that now other writers have found my site and are reaching out to ask to write for us. This takes a lot of pressure off of me but then again, I’m still directing their writing, now I’m editing their pieces and coaching them.

And still trying to plan out this project and reach out to sponsors and groups so that I can book speaking engagements. I AM BUSY!

But I love it!

I was invited to perform poetry again but I’m still considering whether I want to go that route. I am always loved wherever I go to perform but that’s the thing, I’m so loved that whenever I want to take a step back, the organizers get upset with me and start treating me badly. I hate that. I can’t be committed to one thing. I have a lot going on right now. Don’t give me the cold shoulder because I can’t perform regularly. I’m trying to do something big right now.

I need a hug. My guyfriend came over out of the blue yesterday. We walked downtown and had pizza. That was so nice and relaxing. Too bad his hugs don’t give me what I need. I wish they did. I still don’t get that relaxed feeling when he’s done hugging me.

I got my business cards and my fliers in the mail today. They look great! I also ordered a custom app for my website. But since I don’t have a smartphone I’m not sure what the point is. My sister suggested I order it and even paid for the first month of the subscription. I may cancel it. I had the rent money but since I’m going to be homeless I used the money to invest in my business buying things I need like ordering the email list serve and fliers and cards and buying advertising.

I’m writing.

I’m writing.

I’m spinning.

I’m spinning.

I’m alone.

All alone.

Everyday.

But it’s okay. Everything lasts but for a season.

So today I got an email that made me smile and sigh. It’s my first payment for my book sales. I made a whopping $43 and some change.

I’ve only sold 10 books so far. Yes, 10 books. In my book’s dedication section I probably listed about 20 people that have inspired me and supported me over the years and maybe about 3 of them have actually purchased the book. Not even my old BFF whose name is listed FIRST or any of the people I speak with on a regular basis.

I’m not upset. I completely understand that buying my book isn’t a top priority but it kinda makes me feel like the people closest to you always take what you do for granted. I don’t know. I’m never like that. I’m the FIRST to buy a t-shirt you’re selling or share an announcement or show support in the best way I can. I don’t believe in competition and I want to bring everyone up with me as I grow and build. But again, I can’t expect anyone to be like me.

But still, I am grateful that 10 people in the world have purchased my book and I am on the way to creating a passive income from the sales of that book, my other eBooks and advertising on my website. Passive income is like the most beautiful sounding pair of words. It means that no matter what I do, the money rolls in, whether I’m sleeping or working. It flows in like water from a faucet and all I had to do was put in the work of writing the book and then publishing it.

This is how most people make money online. They create a product ONE TIME, which may take them a few weeks or months but then, if it’s a GOOD product, they put it up for sale and never have to touch it again and they make money like that until people become disinterested in it. Imagine just waking up and seeing an email that says you got paid and you hadn’t even lifted a finger in months!

That is so amazing to me!

Hmmm. I just finished all the content for tomorrow’s roll out. Let me show you what I do for fun.

I sit back in my underwear and pour a glass of juice and I imagine all the fun times I’ll have with my kids when we are back together again. I imagine all the good food we’ll eat and the laughs we’ll have and how I’ll be so happy.

I giggle just thinking about it.

I wonder what that’s going to be like and how it will happen. Life is such an adventure. You NEVER know what’s around the corner. Now I see why people re incarnate. Just the thought of embracing this adventure gets me excited.

I slept for two hours this morning before forcing myself to get up. All kinds of drama ensued surrounding me trying to get my PO Box but I finally got it set up.

I’m scared. I’m scared all of this will be for nothing. I’m trying to do something good but it’s a major sacrifice and who knows if it will be worth it.

I know plenty of people are thinking I’m crazy too. Well, I AM in a way. The kind of crazy I need to be. I spent the morning passing out fliers. It was crazy having to go up to people and introduce myself and hand them the fliers I made.

I remember writing about this in undergrad, “Handing out fliers is like saying ‘Hey will you throw this away for me?'”

But I still passed them out and spoke about the site. I am so tired and cranky and full of wild ugly energy. Ugh.

I need some rest but there’s no time. There’s too much to do. Too many interviews, meetings and sponsorships to discuss. Too many naysayers to combat who tell me I’m loony for what I’m about to do.

I’m just tired and I need to rest, but there’s no time for that.

It’s almost 5 o’clock in the morning and I am so tired but I want to write some more. I finished putting together the editorial for tomorrow a few hours ago and since then I’ve been responding to emails and doing research. I still read A LOT. I have to keep up on the latest news and thoughts from leaders in personal development. Most often, I don’t have to order their products because being on their email lists, boy, they give away a lot of information for free.

I was so ugh earlier today but I am feeling better now. SOMEONE, who shall remain nameless, sent me her negative energy. I hate when she does that. I told her to keep it to herself cuz I don’t want it. I no longer worry about her life like that and my life is more simple because of it.

I remember her Mom telling me, “Worry about yourself!” At the time, I couldn’t. I felt like I had to make sure she was okay. In fact, she IS okay. I’m the one who had been carrying about her frustrations with me even when she had let it go. Now I’m learning not to do that and it feels so damn good.

I spoke with Anna tonight. We talked about everything, her new man, how good it feels to be loved by someone who is dominant. She says he doesn’t express himself verbally but his actions show how he feels about her and she loves it.

She said, “Girl, he woke up and was getting ready for work. As he got dressed he said, ‘Lil Man is going to his cousin’s house today. Lil Mama is going to spend the day with you. The money’s on the dresser. Go pay the light bill.'”

GIRRRRRLLLL! I almost had an orgasm when she told me that story!

Imagine, a man who sets the tone? Really? You mean, you don’t have to give him instructions fr his day and remind him to take care of business? For real?

Wow. Add to that the fact that she just got a new car, her first brand new car and I think Anna’s life is definitely taking a turn for the better. It all lines up once you get your attitude right.

I also expressed to Anna a secret hope that I never even try to admit to myself. It’s something that I don’t believe can happen. Anna said that it is definitely a possibility and to stop worrying about HOW, just know that it can.

I appreciated that and told her so. She was like, “I’m just repeating back the words you give me.”

True.

Something has changed in Anna lately. “I didn’t used to respect your opinion,” I told her. “But now you’re so in tune with who you are and you’re not settling for less that I have to respect that.”

I just finished eating two bologna and cheese sandwhiches. I hope to fall asleep soon. Sleep seems like a chore these days. I can’t just relax because as I’m laying there I keep thinking of different people to reach out to and different stories to write for my site.

Oh yeah… Remember that prediction about me meeting my ONE, a MAN, who’s supposed to love me. I try not to think about it because it causes me grief.

Imagine ME, with a MAN who actually UNDERSTANDS me! Can’t imagine that. I DO imagine all the hell he’ll catch if he tries to holla at me because I do not give anyone a chance because I assume they won’t know how to deal with me and I’m so tired of being misunderstood or looked at as though I am crazy.

So tired of it. People assume they know who I am and what I’m thinking but they’re usually wrong. Instead of assuming just ASK me. Anna says thats what she likes about me the most, the fact that instead of assuming about how she feels, I ask questions to gauge what she feels.

When I wake up I have to hop on a bus and go to the center on the beach to meet with the director about my project. This weekend I have to meet with the dude from the homeless shelter. He wants to meet me in person to talk with me. I think he’s going to try to talk me out of it. He says he is amazed by my passion.

You know who I really want to meet with? A SPONSOR. Can someone PLEASE say they are going to give to my fund so I can relax a little bit? LOL

Something good will happen with this. I just have to expect the best and not allow my own fear of failure to override the mission.

Generally, I’m healthy mentally. I just get upset when people offer unsolicited opinions. It throws me off because I’m torn between listening and wondering why they have the audacity to offer an opinion that I haven’t asked for. Is it because they think I’m not capable of making a decision for myself? That’s how I take it. I take it as an insult. But I realize that comes from years of having to make choices for myself and now I don’t trust anyone’s opinion because I know most people are self serving.

Anyway, the birds outside my window are annoying me. I am looking forward to moving but not the cleaning up and giving away everything part. I have to do all this laundry before I can donate the clothes. I already promised my bed to a friend. I don’t have much else. It’ll be me and my bookbag and a duffel bag and that’s it. I wonder how much I can fit in there.

Free writing

So my head is hurting. I think I need to drink more water. I took a shower twice today so that I could feel the warmth touch my skin. I remember those days back in Dallas when I was all alone and I had to take showers to feel the warmth of touch since I had no one to hug me or hold me and no friends.

Today was a rough day sorta. When the sun went down my anxiety flared up and I sat here breathing through the pain. I was feeling it because my thoughts were drifting toward failure with my project. Wait, that’s a lie. Now that I think about it, my thoughts were drifting more toward success and all that this could bring if it really happened the way I imagined.

I imagine that this project will cause me to be in the public eye. I won’t have my friends there to tell me I can do it, I’ll have to stand tall by myself and speak eloquently and defend my decision to do this. People are gonna call me crazy. Some will call me a hero. Most will not understand this and that is why they will be intrigued until they hear the lessons that I teach. Many will be set free from these lessons. Many will be transformed, awakened and stirred.

Others will be challenged. The words I will speak will be a challenge to their belief system and they will be upset about it because they are comfortable in their little bubbles. They don’t want t be challenged. They don’t want to be reminded that there is a whole other spectrum to this world that they easily ignore because it takes guts to see.

Kim just sent me a text. She’s still going back and forth about her business name. She wants to start her own consulting firm but she’s stuck on the name. I keep telling her that is irrelevant. get started. I told her to choose a business that interrupts her thoughts. Choose something that she will be obsessed about. Every great businessman is obsessed with the work he does.

I am obsessed by this project and the website. I have written out exactly what I want it to become and how it should work. If someone were to come to me TODAY and say, “Do you have a plan for what you want this to be?” I’d be able to say, “Let me email it to you.”

I have it all written out.

I’m scared though. I am afraid to fail. but what is failure really? This whole thing, my whole life, reminds me of the book the Alchemist and how he traveled far and wide looking for the treasure and just before he got it, he got beat up and left on the ground.

Success isn’t swift. It takes time and patience and there’s a lesson to be learned at each corner along the way. Success isn’t about business or profit. I think it’s about being happy everyday and making your life mean something.

What could that meaning be? You have to discover it?

What do I see?

I see clues all around me.

I see the planet awakening to a new era of thought. Everyone hasn’t caught on yet, but soon, they will.

I feel it.

I’m breathing in deep breaths. I hear the crickets churping outside. I am reminded about the things I’ve done in my past that I shouldn’t have. I feel guilt because of it. I am reminded of these things because I want to feel like I do not deserve to be who I am capable of becoming.

We always seem to try to convince ourselves of how UNGREAT we are. We settle for bullshit. We hide our best light. We use every tool we can NOT to shine because if we dare to shine we may reach a place that is unheard of. All around us people are average. They live regular lives with regular problems and regular activities and we want to join them and be regular too. Its easy being regular. It’s easy worrying about what to wear and what movie we should watch next instead of doing the deeper thinking and transforming.

I am transforming.

I feel bad that others aren’t transforming with me. Anna says I am weird because I get upset when people don’t understand me. I wish they did. But she reminded me that if you’re the teacher you can’t expect the student to know what you’re saying until you teach them.

I’ve always wanted a teacher. I prayed for it many times. I trust no one to guide me. I admire women who have done things I’d like to do, but still no one close to me is beyond me in thought. There’s no one I can turn to to ask questions and they will understand why I’m asking.

I’m just free writing my thoughts on whatever.

I appreciate my baby daddy. Even though he will never appreciate me I appreciate him for being the type of dad he is. He’s giving my sons a great life; a life I never could because I am too different.

But all of this won’t be for nothing. Maybe by next month my whole life will have changed. By next month I won’t be living here anymore. I won’t have anything but a little duffel bag and my laptop. I won’t know what will happen next, who will call or what I will eat or do for the day.

Freedom.

My intuition guides me. It chokes me too. It causes me to freeze up because it tells me I am an influencer. It says that I am a teacher and a healer. If I could have forced myself to stay at a job or in school so that I could get a good ass job then I would have. My life shook me and said NO.

I often wonder why life does that. Why does it shake you up and push you? I have no answers. I have none.

All I know is, I want a good life filled with love and laughter and good food and smiles and cuddling.

I am so grateful that I have my sister. She is helping me to prepare for everything to come. She calls me everyday with new ideas and just today she helped me set up a voicemail service just for my website so people can call and leave messages for me without having my real number.

I am so thankful. I’m thankful for the pan con bistec I had for lunch today as I mailed out packages of my fliers to my friends who promised to pass them out in their cities. I have such great friends who support me in action.

I am so grateful. I can do this.

I am so glad that my mind is free from worries about others. Everyone is doing well. The situation with Tamara still hurts a little bit but all in all, I know it was for the best to walk away. How do I know? I breathe easier. I feel better. I worry about my own journey now. I had no idea how much I worried about her, how much I didn’t trust her to know how to make decisions on her own. She’ll grow from this. She’ll become independent minded and know to trust herself.

She’ll thank me one day.

And my kids will too. and even if they don’t, I’ll be ok.

Cuz as long as I’m living, I have to be, or else choose misery. And I’m so done with that old miserable life.

I’m done.

I just got back in from meeting with the owner of the Homeless shelter that is partnering with me. We had a great discussion and he agreed that this is a BIG project but he will lend his support. He offered to give me his PR agent to handle PR for my project, allow me to stay there whenever I want to, internet access and to be able to video tape in his facility.

He even offered me a car, which I gladly smiled and said, “If you want to donate a car to me, I’d rather use it as a give-away for my website.”

He said that would be fine too.

So everything is going well.

The only part that shakes me is actually handing out fliers. I know I was a waitress for more than 3 years and I was never afraid to talk to strangers but this is different. I’m not selling a product they already want, I’m selling ME.

And I have bad breath so I cringe everytime I walk up to someone and have to actually SPEAK to them and I see their reaction of covering their nose.

I hate it.

I have to stop smoking. I have to go to the dentist. The smoking is my way of relaxing and I can’t afford a dentist. Coping mechanisms. Damn.

Each time I go out I take a stack of fliers and I hand them out to women, introducing myself and telling them about the website. Then I stick a bunch of car doors. If I’m crossing the street I hand them to drivers with their windows open.

I’ve met so many people. I can’t remember all of their names though. Everyone is a blur.

I want new friends.

I want friends who:

Love themselves

Understand their worth

Have recognized their gifts and have taken action to use them to prosper

Are eager to identify and recognize the GOOD things in life.

Are preparing for the BEST instead of the WORST

Are not afraid to take a risk.

Do not believe that success equals retiring from someone else’s company

Live their lives everyday as though they are blessed

Will pull me with them toward my best life

Are engaged in healthy romantic relationships where they are treated with respect and admiration

Are authentic and appreciate my authenticity

Don’t assume, they ask before they make a judgement about anything

Are low maintenance, meaning I don’t have to give them direction on every decision and I don’t have to hold their hand through everything they go through

Resilient

Strong

Powerful in nature and in action

Sincere

Generous

Unattached to frivolity

Eager to learn and grow intellectually and spiritually

Are beautiful and they KNOW IT and aren’t afraid to SHINE and don’t believe they have to COMPETE to get what they deserve.

Hey Universe, can you please send some men and women my way who are just like this?

THANKS!

Wow.

I spent the entire weekend writing and I actually finished all of the editorial content for this week. ALL OF IT!

Everything has been planned out and written, pictures and everything. You can schedule the date and time for them to appear on your site so I could literally go on vacation and not do anything and no one would know. So now I can rest, yeah right. Now I’ll begin working on next week. I love doing this!

Sometimes I think back on all the other jobs I’ve had or all the other experiences I’ve had and I wonder why the hell they didn’t work out. It makes me feel like I was some kind of failure and it makes me wonder if the same thing will happen with this too.

See, I’m usually very good at whatever I try and I’m very much concerned with the projects I create that have my name on them. I give top notch work. I am dedicated. But if I’m not passionate about it I end up losing interest.

I feel like this is the work that I will be good at. I am good at it but I’m still a little scared that I’m not capable of handling the business side of it all.

Let me stop worrying. Geez! It seems like every week a new key on this laptop gets stuck. Today it’s the letter “O”.

I felt peace all day. My sons were visiting my Mama and they had a good time. OH! I learned something. When you register your domain with Godaddy, you don’t need to buy the email package. There is ONE free email that comes with your domain and there is an email forwarding package that comes free.

If you are the only one who will send out emails from your business then you can create countless email forwarding addresses with your domain name like whocanIkisstoday@mywebsite.com, but with email forwarding when the sender sends an email to that address you will receive it in your email inbox but you can’t send out emails from that address.

So? You don’t need to. With lots of email addresses you’ll need for your business, you don’t need to reply anyway. Like I’m running a feature on Confessions so I created a forwarding email address for that.

Anyway, I feel like I drank some coke. I’m wide open and I guess I’ll do some more research for women to profile. I caught a lady copying my strategy for web development. I thought it was cute. Ha! I didn’t get upset. There’s room for everyone to succeed. I just wish there was someone I could learn from too. Most women don’t want to share their secrets for success. I’m glad that I made this website that’s dedicated to sharing tips, even when other women won’t share their tips with me.

I was quite flattered by the imitation. She needs to keep watching because I am really about to blow this shit up!

I love this shit!

Dear God.

Please help me to be on my best behavior this Wednesday as I go to meet these people who may help me with my project. I admit I am not a social person so I do not know how to shoot the breeze or win people over with my personality.

And I’m scared I am going to be too gruff or too– ME that they will be turned off.

Why do people you just meet send you a friend request on facebook? I just met you 2 hours ago. Why do you want to be my friend already? Who are you? I don’t even remember you. That really annoys me. I hate that shit.

And when people SEE you on facebook on your phone or at school and they never SPOKE to you but they send you a friend request. FOR WHAT?

I hate that shit.

See what I mean? I am not friendly.

I don’t know how to change that.

So its Monday afternoon and I was on the phone trying to get donations for give-aways for my site. I called Walmart and they said that I had to be an official non profit to accept donations so I went to the website and found the forms then it said I had to have at least 3 directors at all times so I was like, “Who is going to be a director of my company? Who do I trust like that?”

Then I called Mimi to ask if she’d do it. She said Yes. Now I can’t decide who will be the other director.

So I called the Homeless shelter to speak with the owner and he said he can teach me how to set myself up to accept donations but in the meantime I can use his foundation’s tax ID and they will write me a check once I get my own foundation set up.

See! This is exactly the reason why I never wanted to start my own publication. For years ppl have been telling me, “You should have your own magazine.” But I knew I didn’t want to deal with the business side, I am a creative.

THIS is the reason why I wanted to marry someone who was already a successful business person- so I could handle the creative side and they could handle the business. A team!

I guess I have to figure it out by myself.

Oh yeah. I’ve started blogging about my experiences with organizing this project on my website so I won’t be posting here about the process anymore. If you want to keep up with what I’m doing, you’ll need to visit the site.

Hope you’ll still join me.

I feel sick.

I just had an awakening after I read this quote:

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves – Carl Jung
I may just curl up and cry. I mean, I KNEW this and now I know how guilty I am. I am so angry and frustrated with my former friend because in her I see who I used to be and I hate that person so much I want to run away from it.

I hated being so weak minded and dependent on others and so hungry to be loved. That is why I am running away.

I am seeing myself and it is killing me because I don’t want to be like that anymore.

I thought it was about her. I thought this would benefit her more than me but it’s really my distaste for the lifestyle and thought process I was involved with while we were friends. I don’t want that life anymore!

I don’t want to talk about those things, be frustrated by those things and live out that type of relationship anymore.

I am annoyed with her because I am annoyed with MYSELF.

And I’m running away.

And I don’t ever want to go back.