Month: March 2011

Wanna hear something crazy?

Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna be a world leader.

What is a world leader anyway? I am so not a politician. I am not a doctor or a religious figure or advocate.

I don’t know why but I just had this feeling about it just now and a speech came tumbling into my brain called the New Generation of Leaders and I was sitting here saying the speech with so much authority that it just felt right.

I always said, “If you can imagine it, you can have it.”

Wow. Wouldn’t that be crazy? If ol crazy Ms. Tee ended up being an important leader or some craziness.

I don’t know if I really want that. I really want, to be able to eat at Red Lobster again, to pay off my child support debt and my student loans and to go to the dentist and to be able to really have some fun with my sons without worrying about money.

I don’t know. I’m just rambling I guess.

No anxiety since last Tuesday. Yay! But that’s because I haven’t interacted with anyone in person since then. Still holed up in my studio apartment smoking cigarettes working on my website and getting FULL off the joy of what I’m doing everyday.

I sent out another press release today. I think I’m getting better at writing them. No press has called yet so maybe i’m not THAT good. SMH.

I am so isolated yet I don’t feel like something is WRONG with me because of it.

Like, I have no best friend or no boy friend or no girl friend and I have no friends to call and hang out with so I’m really, all alone.

Yet, even while I’m all alone I still feel okay. It’s okay to be alone. I have fun by myself. I laugh. I do what I want. I’m comfortable.

I am so stress free lately.

I never knew what a weight I had been carrying until it was released.

I think I’m going to cry. I know I am, and its not because I’m scared and I don’t know what to do, it’s because, I’m so happy that for once I DO know what to do and i’m NOT Scared and I’m finally feeling light and free and hopeful even though theres still lots I would like to change about who I am.

I’m not perfect but I make perfect choices.

I am okay.

WOW! My books are listed on AMAZON! They’re in the Kindle section! You don’t need a Kindle reader to buy them, you can use Kindle on your computer or your cell phone.

My intuition spoke to me yesterday.

It gave me an idea for a fundraiser for my website that will help women. It said: On April 11th you will become homeless. You will give away all of your belongings and live on the streets and in homeless shelters to teach women to overcome their biggest fear of homelessness and to show them that they can survive anything. You will reach out to organizations in the community for support. You will document everything on your website and youtube channel. You will raise money to support your website and donate to the homeless shelter that hosts you.

I sat here listening and I was blown away. What kind of idea is that?

I sighed.

But I had peace about it.

Then today, as I sent out my first partnership letter to a homeless shelter, I got scared. Really scared.

Not that I am going to die, but that this is something that is going to change my life forever. Then the doubts started creeping in. What if no one cares? What if no one notices? What if no one wants to partner with you on this? What if it is a failure?

And then I said to myself, “At least I tried.”

So right now I am definitely feeling the fear. This will become very real when I send a letter to my landlord stating my intention to leave the premises.

Tonight I will plan everything out in writing. I plan to speak at various community agencies during the time that I am on the streets. I plan to seek donations from whoever.

I am afraid. But I remind myself to feel the fear and do it anyway.

I am so scared.

So scared.

But I’ll do it anyway.

I can not believe this is happening.

Look what I ordered today from VistaPrint. This is turning into something very REAL.

It’s like, when you have an idea and you just move forward as though it’s legitimate even BEFORE it’s really legitimate then it BECOMES legitimate.

Like, every other person’s company or idea that is well known started off just like I am.

I am a small business owner and although I have not generated any revenue yet, I still own my own business and I will treat it as such by investing my whole heart into it.

But who really cares, but me? LOL

Anyway, today I decided to take the plunge and announce my project to the public. I spent the day calling around to shelters and I found one who is willing to allow me to stay there and film there and will even be able to speak on camera for my project. He gave me some tips and warnings about living on the streets too.

And I called around to the community agencies and centers to extend an invitation to allow me to speak at their centers about this project. Many were quite shocked to hear about it but I have a few follow up conversations before I can say I booked my first speaking engagement.

I feel like I’m walking in a fog. Is this for real? Am I really pushing this like that? Is this how it all begins?

Today I reached out to many of the readers that I had in the past. Before I stopped blogging I was very popular. I had more than 200 people coming to my blog everyday to check on my life. Now I’m down to about 30 per day. =) So I reached back to those who had emailed me in the past and invited them to come back and read and to check out my other site too.

One girl wrote me back like, “Girl….”

I could tell she was like, “Nobody don’t care about your damn blog anymore!”

That made me laugh.

Maybe no one does.

It was a lot of pressure to have that many readers. All the emails that I used to get and requests for help and to meet me. I was overwhelmed at times.

I don’t know. Even as I write this I still don’t really feel like I’m writing for an audience. I feel like I’m just writing in my own personal diary and no one is ever going to see it.

I just ate a whole pack of ritz crackers. SMH

They were good though, but now I’m thirsty.

I called my friend Carr to come over to help me with my “new” TV. I wanted it set up before the boys come over this weekend.

He came and I told him, “I have a feeling that this is the last time I’m going to see you.”

He shook his head. “I’ll be around, Tee.”

“But maybe I won’t,” I said.

It’s not like I think I’m going to die. I don’t. I just feel like something interesting is about to happen. I don’t know what it is yet though. I’m not scared, well, yes I am. But it’s more of a feeling like on the day of graduation when you’re wondering, “OK. What now?”

I spoke with my landlord today. I sent her an email a couple of days ago to explain that I am leaving in a month. She said, “Tee, I can’t believe how much stuff you have out there on the internet. Tee, good job. I’m proud of you. Good luck.”

I was grateful to hear that.

Oh wow. It just got REALLY cold all of a sudden. Thank goodness I still have my electric blanket.

It’s funny thoughh. Lately, I’ve been really listening to my intuition and accepting it as my guidance. I listen to what it says and I do it. I trust myself a lot more. My intuition sounds just like me when I’m thinking to myself except, the words I “hear” sound so certain, so right. They aren’t full of confusion and doubt. They just Say what they have to say and there’s no question about it.

Do this…

Go that way…

Call this person right now…

And I do it.

I’m going to keep listening. Funny how, I never valued anyone’s opinion above my own. Now I just follow my own inner guidance and we’ll see how that works out.

No fighting the flow, just listening and obeying.

Salud.

OMG!

I had like, the best DAY EVER!

For real!

Ok. So all day every day all I do from the time I wake up is think and then take action. I ask myself, “What can I do to make my dreams come true? How can I make this website better? Who can I interview to learn from?”

Then I read all the press releases that are sent out and if I see someone, a woman, I admire I call up their PR person and ask for an interview. Just like that. I know my site hasn’t even been up a month yet, but I’m DAMN GOOD at what I do and this is just the beginning, better get on board early.

So today I saw a woman in the news and after reading her bio I was sooo impressed. Dang! She’s doing a lot of the things I want to do, but on a larger scale. She’s impressive! So I call her PR person and tell her about my site and schedule an interview. The PR person seems excited and she’s like, “She’ll call you this afternoon.”

While I’m waiting for her call I get another call from an agency that I applied to speak at during my PROJECT. They are going through my internet presence to see what kinds of things I have to offer. This is GREAT news because all my shit is on point. I stay ready.

Then I get the call from the lady in the news and I interview her quickly, chatting like we’re old friends. I’m GREAT at interviews! Then she asks if she can send me a package of her books so that I can read and I stammer.

SHe wants my address. Um…

“Well,” I say. “When you mention address, I have to tell you that…”

Then I recount the whole story about my PROJECT and how I’ll be living in the streets in a month and won’t have an address. “It’s to inspire women to face their biggest fear and to show them that even if it does happen, they can rebuild.”

I sigh.

She’s quiet for a moment and then says, “WHAT?! You’re really going to do that? That’s courageous! You have my full support. I have contacts in the media and I’m going to tell EVERYBODY about this! You’re going to succeed. I promise you. We have 4 foundations and I’ll donate anything you will need.”

I’m blown away by this offer. “I’ll send you an email with all the details!” I promise her.

And then I sat back and shook my head. I hope she stays true to her word. I really do.

And then I sat back and thought to myself, “Who else would I want to partner with?” Then I made a few phone calls and got his contact information and sent a pitch letter.

~crossing fingers~

If this goes the way I’m envisioning it in my mind- the sky’s the limit for me!

I can’t WAIT to be a blessing! Ooh! I’m going to have the biggest party for all the people who have supported me in DEED over the years! I’m gonna drop grands on everyone! I’m going to establish a fund specifically for women who are willing to take the risk to go after their dream. If they put in the work, I’ll back them up financially.

I’m going to be everything I always wished someone would have been for me!

Just wait and see!

I had an awesome weekend with my sons!

My older son, Sai was sick. I cuddled him and spoonfed him cold fruit because he said his throat was hurting. It felt so good to nurse him. We also went to the St. Patty’s day parade and had a blast.

Before they left we watched movies, one in particular, an old time favorite of mine called BeBe’s Kids! Remember that? LOL All day long we kept repeating jokes from that cartoon and laughing.

The BEST part was when I explained to them about my upcoming project about removing the fear from women. At first, they were against it but when I explained that I have to do this, to help women, they relaxed and went along.

I bought a posterboard for them to draw on to show their support. They made this sign:

I’m going to use it as I blog about my experiences. As long as I have their support I’ll be okay. This will affect them the most because during the time I am homeless I won’t have a place for them to come and see me. I have less than a month to gather support for this venture and plan out the lessons I want to teach.

“Mama, you’re gonna become famous!” my son Solomon said.

I laughed. “Maybe. If women see me doing this, their fears will be broken and they can go after their dreams, and hopefully this will lead to more success for my website and I’ll finally find my place in this world as a journalist and a speaker just like I hoped I would.”

My sons made me smile so much. When I asked them if they missed each other during the day they laughed and said No.

“But you guys aren’t in the same grade so you have to go the WHOLE day without seeing each other,” I coaxed them.

“Yeah but we see each other at lunch,” Solomon, my 8 year old said.

“Do you? Do you sit together at lunch?”

“I sit with Sai and his friends.” Solomon announced proudly.

What? “You let a 3rd grader sit with you and your 5th grade friends?” I asked Sai.

He shook his head.

“Do they ever tell you to leave?” I asked Solomon.

“Mm Hmm. They do! But I don’t leave. I sit right there.”

“And what does your big brother say when his friends ask you to leave?”

“He says’ ‘He can sit here if he wants to.’ “

My eyes lit up!

“For real Sai?” I’m about to cry with happiness.

Sai rolls his eyes and denies it, “I don’t say that.”

“Yes he does!” Solomon calls out.

“I love how you take such good care of your brother!” I tell my 10 year old.

“I don’t say that,” he says.

“Yes he does!” Solomon assures me.

They’re awesome!

So I’m debating back and forth over what I should do with my hair. I love the short cut but without a car I can’t make it to the barber to keep it fresh so I have to let it grow back out.

The only thing is, I feel like I look prettier with the light hair than I do with dark hair. These pictures aren’t really comparable because in the one with the light hair I have more light on my face and I turned 2 of my lights off when I took the other pic. I am wearing exactly the same make up too.

The thing is, I’m wondering with this project I’m about to undertake, which look should I rock. The real thing, at the basis of all of this is the fact that I think with dark hair I am less attractive and right now I would rather be less attractive to men. So maybe I’m just rocking the dark hair because it will make me less desireable while I’m out there handling business. I don’t want the focus to be on my looks instead of my brains and my survival skills.

I don’t know. I originally planned to dye my hair back honey blonde next month and then go get one last haircut to keep it shaped while I’m in the streets. I still have to make public appearances and speeches and perform so I won’t have the time or privacy to do anything to my hair while I’m out there.

I still don’t know. If I keep the dark look, I may go all the way and buy some glasses to complete the look. I NEED glasses because I usually wear them. I just lost my old pair and didn’t get a chance to buy a new pair.

I don’t know. I’m confused. Should I look my best and have people staring AT me instead of listening to me or should I dull down my look so my VOICE will be heard more clearly?

People are going to stare regardless. It happens everyday, even with my dark hair. I just don’t want to attract the wrong kind of attention from men because I’m not ON THAT SHIT right now, but I still want to present myself in the best possible light.

I get it now.

I really do.

I haven’t experienced anxiety in a few days, maybe since last week. Tonight I was taking a shower and I thought to myself, “Wow! It’s been a long time with no anxiety. No paranoia. You must be healing.”

Then I sat down to do more work of preparing articles and reaching out to women when my thoughts shifted to “This isn’t going to work. Who are you to think people will climb on board with you? Remember last time you tried? Look at your past. Look at what people say about you. They think you’re crazy. No one supports you. No one will. They are waiting to laugh at you.”

Then my anxiety came back. Anxiety feels different from the average bout of fear because fear feels tingly while anxiety burns in my chest. It hurts. How I feel right now as I type this is anxiety. I am hurting on the inside because my thoughts and emotions are not in alignment with who I really am and my potential.

This is exactly how I felt when I was interning in grad school. I felt this everyday. This is how I feel when I am with most men. This is how I feel when I am in the wrong place, spiritually.

My anxiety is not a curse to me. It is my inner guidance.

My anxiety shows me through physical pain that I am headed in the wrong direction in thought or in my physical circumstances. I don’t feel ANY anxiety when I am working on my website or interviewing people. I feel nothing but pleasure and inner peace.

Now I know why I was “cursed” with this extreme anxiety and from now on I won’t reject it. I’ll use it to gauge whether or not where I am is where I’m supposed to be.