Free writing
So my head is hurting. I think I need to drink more water. I took a shower twice today so that I could feel the warmth touch my skin. I remember those days back in Dallas when I was all alone and I had to take showers to feel the warmth of touch since I had no one to hug me or hold me and no friends.
Today was a rough day sorta. When the sun went down my anxiety flared up and I sat here breathing through the pain. I was feeling it because my thoughts were drifting toward failure with my project. Wait, that’s a lie. Now that I think about it, my thoughts were drifting more toward success and all that this could bring if it really happened the way I imagined.
I imagine that this project will cause me to be in the public eye. I won’t have my friends there to tell me I can do it, I’ll have to stand tall by myself and speak eloquently and defend my decision to do this. People are gonna call me crazy. Some will call me a hero. Most will not understand this and that is why they will be intrigued until they hear the lessons that I teach. Many will be set free from these lessons. Many will be transformed, awakened and stirred.
Others will be challenged. The words I will speak will be a challenge to their belief system and they will be upset about it because they are comfortable in their little bubbles. They don’t want t be challenged. They don’t want to be reminded that there is a whole other spectrum to this world that they easily ignore because it takes guts to see.
Kim just sent me a text. She’s still going back and forth about her business name. She wants to start her own consulting firm but she’s stuck on the name. I keep telling her that is irrelevant. get started. I told her to choose a business that interrupts her thoughts. Choose something that she will be obsessed about. Every great businessman is obsessed with the work he does.
I am obsessed by this project and the website. I have written out exactly what I want it to become and how it should work. If someone were to come to me TODAY and say, “Do you have a plan for what you want this to be?” I’d be able to say, “Let me email it to you.”
I have it all written out.
I’m scared though. I am afraid to fail. but what is failure really? This whole thing, my whole life, reminds me of the book the Alchemist and how he traveled far and wide looking for the treasure and just before he got it, he got beat up and left on the ground.
Success isn’t swift. It takes time and patience and there’s a lesson to be learned at each corner along the way. Success isn’t about business or profit. I think it’s about being happy everyday and making your life mean something.
What could that meaning be? You have to discover it?
What do I see?
I see clues all around me.
I see the planet awakening to a new era of thought. Everyone hasn’t caught on yet, but soon, they will.
I feel it.
I’m breathing in deep breaths. I hear the crickets churping outside. I am reminded about the things I’ve done in my past that I shouldn’t have. I feel guilt because of it. I am reminded of these things because I want to feel like I do not deserve to be who I am capable of becoming.
We always seem to try to convince ourselves of how UNGREAT we are. We settle for bullshit. We hide our best light. We use every tool we can NOT to shine because if we dare to shine we may reach a place that is unheard of. All around us people are average. They live regular lives with regular problems and regular activities and we want to join them and be regular too. Its easy being regular. It’s easy worrying about what to wear and what movie we should watch next instead of doing the deeper thinking and transforming.
I am transforming.
I feel bad that others aren’t transforming with me. Anna says I am weird because I get upset when people don’t understand me. I wish they did. But she reminded me that if you’re the teacher you can’t expect the student to know what you’re saying until you teach them.
I’ve always wanted a teacher. I prayed for it many times. I trust no one to guide me. I admire women who have done things I’d like to do, but still no one close to me is beyond me in thought. There’s no one I can turn to to ask questions and they will understand why I’m asking.
I’m just free writing my thoughts on whatever.
I appreciate my baby daddy. Even though he will never appreciate me I appreciate him for being the type of dad he is. He’s giving my sons a great life; a life I never could because I am too different.
But all of this won’t be for nothing. Maybe by next month my whole life will have changed. By next month I won’t be living here anymore. I won’t have anything but a little duffel bag and my laptop. I won’t know what will happen next, who will call or what I will eat or do for the day.
Freedom.
My intuition guides me. It chokes me too. It causes me to freeze up because it tells me I am an influencer. It says that I am a teacher and a healer. If I could have forced myself to stay at a job or in school so that I could get a good ass job then I would have. My life shook me and said NO.
I often wonder why life does that. Why does it shake you up and push you? I have no answers. I have none.
All I know is, I want a good life filled with love and laughter and good food and smiles and cuddling.
I am so grateful that I have my sister. She is helping me to prepare for everything to come. She calls me everyday with new ideas and just today she helped me set up a voicemail service just for my website so people can call and leave messages for me without having my real number.
I am so thankful. I’m thankful for the pan con bistec I had for lunch today as I mailed out packages of my fliers to my friends who promised to pass them out in their cities. I have such great friends who support me in action.
I am so grateful. I can do this.
I am so glad that my mind is free from worries about others. Everyone is doing well. The situation with Tamara still hurts a little bit but all in all, I know it was for the best to walk away. How do I know? I breathe easier. I feel better. I worry about my own journey now. I had no idea how much I worried about her, how much I didn’t trust her to know how to make decisions on her own. She’ll grow from this. She’ll become independent minded and know to trust herself.
She’ll thank me one day.
And my kids will too. and even if they don’t, I’ll be ok.
Cuz as long as I’m living, I have to be, or else choose misery. And I’m so done with that old miserable life.
I’m done.