Month: February 2011

So I’m up and I’m trying to relax my brain.

Everything in me keeps saying DONT STOP DO MORE! I told you I can be a bit obsessive when it comes to my creative work. I don’t have a spirit of fear, I just love doing what I do. I did two interviews today and 2 yesterday for my new site and the hit counter is spinning like crazy.

The beautiful part is, I’m not just telling random stories, I’m providing very helpful information and I’ve already gotten an email thank you. That made me smile. I spent much of today reaching out to Magazines. That was my target market. I sent everyone I could think of a press release and invited them to partner with me by sending me any relevant resources and including my announcement in their newsletter or publication.

Today I walked downtown and picked up a free magazine then I brought it home to make a vision board. I sifted through the pages, stole a great idea for an inspirational story, and then took out my scissors to cut.

I think I did this before on here. In fact, I remember but I don’t know when it was so I can’t fin it again but I’ll do it again. My blog vision board for things I’d like to see/have/experience in my life.

It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep.

I didn’t sleep much of last night either and for some reason, after I ate some cereal earlier tonight my body just crashed. I had that feeling that I needed to sleep but I couldn’t.

So I got back up, wrote another article for my site and then started doing research. Nearly everyone I’ve contacted for interview for the site were in agreement. I don’t want to just feature Black people. This site is not race based. I want ALL women to come and find a home with us.

So far I’ve done 37 posts, which is a lot considering the site isn’t even a week old. I just want the content to be FIRE so when people browse through the archives every word they read is life changing.

So I contacted one of my favorite self help authors and she too agreed to be interviewed. “I’m in Barbados right now but I’ll be able to do the interview next week.” I can not believe that people I ADMIRE for their work are actually going to TALK to me. Wow!

I’m learning so much through my interviews. I feel like I felt when I worked at the magazine in Atlanta. I was adamant about receiving tips to help ME become my BEST me so I always ask the right questions about characteristics to develop and advice.

The first woman that I am going to feature gave lots of good advice but I couldn’t use it all. I just used the best of what she said. If no one else likes it, I will. I hope she will keep in touch with me. She is connected to some very successful people and I would love to be able to call on her if I need an interview.

What’s funny is- today I was on facebook and I saw an author asking us to vote for her for author of the year. I clicked on her page and I was stunned. I had no idea she was my friend on facebook. She was an editor I worked with long ago. I remember when she edited my work- SHE FOUND NO MISTAKES. But the publisher I worked for was upset about that because she was trying to convince me that I wasn’t a good writer. She actually had me questioning my own abilities.

And then when I looked at me and this author’s mutual friends, i couldn’t believe it, we had like 5 other authors in common. I don’t know how all these Black women authors got on my facebook. I’m wondering if it was because of this blog. Man, I am horrible when it comes to networking. I don’t reach out to people. I don’t want to bother anyone. I sit in my shell all by myself and create. But it made me think, maybe I was connected to those authors because one day my spirit knew I would become one.

Tonight I was up studying for my site. Today I added affiliate links and ads. Those ads could generate some income for me, but we’ll see. I also studied about meta tags and search engine optimization. So I went in to my pages an voila! I added the tags. I wonder if it will make a difference.

As I sent out interview requests tonight, I said a short prayer as I pressed send. If I can get some of the women I REALLY want on my site then I’ll be so happy. Oh! I’m calling it a “site” now because its officially a DOT COM. I bought the official URL and installed it to point to blogger myself. Now, i just have to figure out how to make the design more snazzy like this chick’s blog. Who knew- She has been a longtime reader of my blog and she lives in Africa. Her site is fierce! I hope she will give me some tips on how to make mine look better.

I’m doing this with all my heart and soul. I feel different on the inside. I feel cleaner, clearer, more wise. I do have some fears but each day they are diminishing.

I got a tarot reading last month. I did one just because I had an extra $5 and I wanted to see what he had to say. My boys were with me and they looked scared but I assured them it was nothing to be afraid of. I don’t remember most of what he said but he said that I was going to have a complete career change that would be in its fullness by the summer. He told me to get ready now. I didn’t know what he meant by that. He also said that I was going to be a teacher of success. My older son said, “Well, he got that right.”

Then he flipped another card and I saw him cringe. It was The Tower. He didn’t say much after that. He just shook my hand and said, “Good luck to you.”

I didn’t know why he did that until tonight when I thought about the reading and the ONLY card I remembered. When I researched the card it said:

No card scares a Tarot reader like the Tower – or the person they’re reading for if that person knows anything about Tarot cards. It is however one of the clearest cards when it comes to meaning. False structures, false institutions, false beliefs are going to come tumbling down, suddenly, violently and all at once. What’s important to remember as a tarot reader is that the one you’re reading for likely does not know that something is false. Not yet. To the contrary, they probably believe that their lover is being faithful, that their religious beliefs are true and right, that there are no problems in their family structure, that everything is fine at work…oh, and that they’re fine. Just fine, really. Alas, they’re about to get a very rude awakening. Shaken up, torn down, blown asunder. And all a reader can really do to soften the blow is assure the Querent that it is for the best. Nothing built on a lie, on falsehoods, can remain standing for long. Better to tear it all down and rebuild on the truth. It is not going to be pleasant or painless or easy, but it will be for the best.

Hey. What can I do? If something in my life is built upon a lie then let it be known to me. I have searched my heart and I usually have very genuine interactions with people so I have no idea what this could mean.

Why am I all of sudden so interested in psychic shit anyway?

Maybe its the fact that I have to go with my gut on so many things and follow my intuition and nothing makes sense to me but I do it anyway. I feel like its time for a rebirth.

I just have to be strong. Every change, every transition, HAS to happen if you ever want MORE for your life.

So now I can’t sleep because I let my guyfriend Carr come over and we were drinking and I chose a movie to watch on Netflix which he didn’t want to watch but he only agreed if he could choose the next movie. I said OK but I really wasn’t gonna let him choose.

So we watched THE MAN FROM EARTH. This is a GREAT MOVIE! OMG! Its a movie for thinkers though. There’s no action and the entire movie takes place in one room. I’ve watched it just ONCE before and this time I still enjoyed it again.

Anyway, after the movie we ran out to get some BK and then when we got back he chose a movie called Falling Down with Michael Douglas. Abut 30 minutes into the movie I remembered it from somewhere. Then it hit me. Oh shit! Back when I was in grad school so long long ago – LOL – my professor showed us a clip of this movie as an example of paranoia.

This movie MADE MY DAMN ANXIETY COME BACK!

I was so mad!

I TOLD Carr, I don’t wanna watch anything with violence in it, it makes my chest hurt. He just laughed like I was joking.

I was so upset because all day I was celebrating because it had been TWO FULL DAYS with no anxiety. TWO FULL DAYS! That NEVER happens. Then he goes and chooses a movie that has senseless violence and anger and aggression and all of a sudden I’m laying on the bed and I hear myself go, “I’m sorry.”

I was like FUCK!

Then 5 minutes later, “I’m sorry.”

FUCK!

Now my chest won’t stop burning. He’s long gone and I guess I’m kinda upset but still excited because—

I finished a promotional video for my website!

It only took a couple of hours. Finding the song took an hour by itself but it’s worth it and I love watching this.

In my mind, my website is THE premiere source of news, information and inspiration for women around the world.

I feel like it’s already happened so I’m just acting accordingly by helping it transform into its destiny.

All of my interview subjects have been agreeing to do interviews! I AM SO EXCITED! SHIT!

I love doing interviews and asking good questions and writing the story out. Its not hard at all. in fact, nothing about anything I’ve been doing with this website is hard. Some stuff I know nothing about but I just learn as I go. I wish I knew graphic design and web design cuz boy if I did my site would be TOO CRAZY!

TOO CRAZY drill seargent! LOL

Anyway, I’m gonna go watch my video a million more times before I go to sleep.

I hope one day, you can feel as wonderful as i feel right now. Well, despite the anxiety. Man, I think when you find something you love, or someone, hold on to it. Make it as grand and as wonderful as you can. Imagine that its YOUR BIG BREAK.

That makes all the difference. I’m working this website like my whole future depends on its success. =)

And I’m loving every minute of it.

My younger son asked me to scratch his back.

That made me smile. When was the last time YOU asked anyone to scratch your back? Its a sign o complete trust and intimacy in spirit. You’re relaxed enough to allow someone else to help you ease your body’s signals. Just like tickling. Even the most ticklish person can’t enjoy the sensation if its being caused by someone they don’t trust.

I’m glad they trust me.

I love them.

It’s like a supernatural type of love. I listen to the stories they share about their home life and I smile. Their Daddy is the type of daddy who cooks a big breakfast on Sunday mornings. He has a dry erase board where they have to write their appointments and practices so they won’t forget. He grills steak and burgers when they watch football. Wow. He’s a model father.

I don’t know. My feelings toward him have changed. It’s not like he treats me much differently. Now that my sons are older and have their own cell phones I don’t speak to him much. But when I hear about the wisdom he shares with them its always on point and I agree. I think, he’s the perfect complement to me.

He has a new girlfriend and she’s very different from HyperChick, his other Baby Mama. This new girlfriend lives with him and my boys love her to pieces. She’s very patient and kind and helps them with their homework. She takes them to doctors appointments and spends time with them too. I hear she used to be a model. Good for him. He always said he wanted a model chick.

She doesn’t seem to have the insecurities that HyperChick had. She’s not trying to replace me as Mom and she doesn’t feel like it’s a tug of war to wear the Crown. I asked my sons if they’ve seen HyperChick lately and they said they haven’t even spoken to her in a long time. This is weird to me because everytime her daughter is over there, my sons put her on the phone so I can speak to her.

Today she asked me, “Who is this?” I laughed. “Who is THIS?” She laughed and dropped the phone. She looks JUST like her mom.

Today was a cool ass day because I decided to do something I’ve been thinking about doing since last year. I have never been the type to flaunt my body because I don’t think I have anything to flaunt. But today, in honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week I went downtown in my bikini and walked around in public. I had strangers take pictures of me in my bikini. It was weird yet liberating.

It’s like fuck’em if they don’t like what they see. I know the pu$$y good and the head game so if they want a teenage body, go find one.

Inside I feel this inner strength. It feels like cold steel. I don’t know where it’s coming from but I’m glad its there. I feel like my life is about to change in a major way. Like something BIG is around the corner and I don’t know what it is, yet when I think of it, I don’t fear it.

My fears are slowly subsiding. I’ve been through so much and I always bounce back and I always come back to happiness. Nothing is permanent. Like the old saying goes, “This too shall pass.”

And that’s not just useful for the down times, it should be remembered when the harvests are plentiful too.

This too, shall pass.

So don’t get caught up in the rapture of the blessing thinking you’re invincible. You’re not. You can fall just as easily as you ascended. The key is to learn how to be content no matter what. Funny how remember the other day I wrote about the vision board I made? Well, when my boys came over today they turned to youtube and clicked on some music videos. The very first video showed one of the cars I had cut out of the magazine. And one of the later videos showed the 2nd car. Everything about the to cars was exactly the same as in my pictures, even down to the colors. I was blown away. I figured the Universe was signaling me that my wishes are on my way.

Ehh..I don’t NEED it to happen though. I realized that today. I don’t NEED anything to happen. I feel like a rock in the midst of the stream allowing the water (life) to rush past me. I am unmoved.

I don’t NEED to be a bestselling author to feel peaceful. I don’t NEED to have my boys return to my home for me to feel like I’m a good Mom. I don’t NEED to be a superstar journalist in order to feel validated.

All I really want is to eat good food, whenever I want and to have a stable place to live. Anything extra, compliments of the Universe, is fine with me.

Now, lemme go work on this website and see what else I can create.

Hope you’re feeling like a stone like I am.

I called my sons tonight. They left earlier, around 5pm.

I missed them although they nearly drove me crazy with their wrestling and name calling. “Why do ya’ll ACT like that?” I asked them, annoyed.

“We’re just being…boys,” my younger son replied.

I laughed. I guess.

You know, sometimes I look at the mothers I know and I compare myself. Then I remind myself that I can’t do that because I’m nothing like any of the mothers I know. Then I think of my Mama and how she was nothing like what I wanted her to be and how…that’s exactly what I needed her to be.

And then I feel better. Maybe I am exactly what my sons need. Maybe who I am is what they need to be their best selves.

Hmm. I just finished watching this movie on Netflix called Rain. It was a bit on the boring side to me but I looked at it symbolically and I did get a message.

So the young lady in the movie lived in the hood and because of her sister, she got into trouble and had men trying to kill her after they killed her sister. Because her Mom was worried about her, she soon learned that she was adopted and her mother was a rich socialite. Her Mom sent her to live with her biological family so that she would be safe.

Soon after she left, her adopted Mom dies. The wealthy family embraces her and she soon is given an opportunity to study in London to enhance her musical gifts.

Ok. Now look at what happened.

1) She was an adopted child in a poor family that she loved.
2) Her sister dies and her life is in danger.
3) She finds she is adopted and moves away for her safety.
4) Her mother dies of lung cancer.
5) She goes on to live a rich, full life.

I’m feeling like, sometimes the things we feel are bad and push us to make moves we would never consider, are actually the catalyst for us to experience our best lives.

Sometimes life hurts but in the end, we are okay.

The same with me.

The same with you.

No matter what’s happening, it’s SUPPOSED to, so that you can move on and experience your best life.

If you’re being SQUEEZED just hold on.

Nothing is permanent.

Don’t try to hold on to ANYTHING.

Every situation is a transition because life itself is a transition.

Yeah bitches!

Today was another mutherfucking awesome ass day!

What the hell is going on?

Like, how can one person be so happy, so joyful so damn delirious with bliss?

I am.

I love my fuckin life!

It’s like..amazing.

So guess what I did? LOL

I contacted CNN to tell them about my site. ROFLMAO!!! LOL LOL LOL LOL

And I contacted the famed author Alice Walker to ask for an interview! LOL LOL LOL *dead*

Dude, like, seriously. This site isn’t even TWO weeks old yet I am acting like I am an established publisher and I am not holding anything back!

I’m going after the big guns because I know I can handle it! Why not?

Why not act as though you already ARE where you want to be?

So far, NO ONE has turned me down for an interview. NO ONE.

Shit, may as well go for what I know!

I am so excited about this! OMG! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let me make some money somehow so that I can continue doing this. My rent is due on the 2nd week of March and I have a hundred dollars towards it if I don’t buy anymore groceries until then.

Oh yeah. My hair is growing. Its at this awkward stage. I don’t like long hair. i want to cut it all off but i don’t have money to go to a barber so I have to let it grow.

Oh well.

My sons called me tonight telling me about their day! I love it when they do that! I feel like the luckiest woman in the world when their names appear on my caller ID.

~sigh~

I had this one long drawn out dream about my counselor last night. Everytime I would wake myself up to stop the dream, when I fell asleep again, it just continued. So I just faced it and continued on until we were face to face in his office and looking at each other. We talked. We talked some more. We smiled and we made another appointment to meet.

I think that is facing my fears.

I’m all about that.

Ugh. Its sunny out so that means I can’t wear my face makeup anymore cuz whenever its sunny, i tan and my makeup doesn’t match anymore. Oh well. maybe being fresh faced to the world is what I’m supposed to be right now.

Who knows.

I’m tired.

My head is spinning from all the phone calls I’ve been making and all the emails I’ve sent and all the interviews that I have been doing to enrich my site. I’m putting my heart and soul into this and it’s kind of wearing me down.

I’m trying not to worry, knowing that whatever will be will be.

In the past few days I have extended my outreach marketing efforts to women bloggers and charities. Today I sent out my second request for sponsorship, this time from a local charity.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no role model only ideas that pop into my head. I had to fight my fear of asking for help because we do need help. Funny how I say WE when referring to my site, but I truly believe its going to be a valuable resource for women. I just have to figure out how to make it happen.

I can keep writing and keep reaching out but I don’t want my own hunger pains to stop me from doing this. Today I interviewed a life coach for the site and she said, “Be careful of those doomsday conversations we all have in our minds.”

I know what she’s saying.

Boy I tell you. When i started this I had no idea how much WORK it would be. The fun part is coming up with stories and articles and doing interviews but there is so much administrative work going on behind the scenes to get the name and mission of the site out there.

I have to figure out a way to keep ME going while I’m doing this. If I could, I would have become a counselor and worked that way but that job stuff never works for me. I am an entrepreneur at heart. I can’t do anything else. I sometimes wish I could just sit back in an office and peck away at a computer and make money working for someone else but it kills my soul to do that and I want to live life abundantly.

Man, last night I went out to have a little fun. I went to karaoke night and made a video. Watch me singing the nasty version of Snoop Dogg’s Gin & Juice. LOL I never sang that version before.

My headache finally went away but I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about who I can reach out to next to publicize my efforts with my site and my new book.

Oh, you can see a video of me opening my new book for the first time.

So after I recorded this I was so tired but I had more work to do. Another phone interview and then I got an interesting email offer for a professional website development coach to review my site for FREE. When he called I was all ready to take notes and make improvements until he stammered and said, “I may have to take a few days to think about this. You have so much going on with your site and it has so much value that off the top of my head I can’t think of anything else to add.”

BINGO!

He did make a couple of suggestions to which I replied, “I’ve already done that.”

That felt good! I stumped the professional developer! YAY!

Anyway, back to the lecture at hand. Tonight, even through my migraine headache, I decided to target local news stations for interviews about my book.

Without a catchy HOOK, they were dismissive but one man at the assignment desk was so nice so I asked him, “How can I make my book release more desireable to news stations?”

He said, “You shouldn’t pitch a book release to an evening news show. They typically cover murders, deaths, political upheaval. If you want to get news press try pitching to morning news shows or weekend news shows.”

Then he gave me the direct email to that station’s weekend news executive producer. Yay!

I’m looking to develop my ad rate card before I go to sleep tonight. I have to start selling advertising immediately. I remember doing this when I was at the small newspaper I worked for just after I graduated. I didn’t SELL ads, but I developed the marketing materials and ad rate cards and business profile info. I know JUST what to do.

I’ll tell you, becoming an entrepreneur takes way more work than simply clocking in and out at someone else’s job. It seems like a dream but you’re aware at all times that if you miss any chance to build your business you could starve or be evicted. It’s making me more alert and less lazy and there is not ONE idea that crosses my mind that I don’t give a shot.

The worst they could say is NO.

I’ve heard NO plenty of times so that doesn’t bother me.

I have good news! I didn’t experience ANY anxiety today and I think my paranoia is going away too. I haven’t had any thoughts about people being out to get me or kill me and that feels great! I guess I’m too focused.

Oh yeah, I participated in the Ultimate Soulmate Summit and it was awesome! I didn’t think I would get much out of it but the relationship experts they showcased gave me an earful each night as I listened to the broadcast online. Such soothing, hopeful people. Tonight, she actually made me believe there could be a love out there for me.

So here I am. It’s the middle of the night again. I wonder who’s up to catch me posting? Probably no one.

Today I spent the day studying online business models. I think I’ve finally gotten it figured out with the affiliates and the lists and the JV’s and the launches. I just, need the resources to put that little amount into a good launch and ofcourse the email list. What have I been DOING all this time? Blogging for fun. SMH

Oh well. You have to start somewhere.

Today was an awesome day because I was tagged in a photo on facebook.

SOMEONE ORDERED MY BOOK and sent in a pic!

You know I started crying like a baby who missed her mother.

To see MY NAME in someone else’s hand, blew me away.

And to think, maybe the book will even help her in her life. I’m not sure. You all know how I write already. Is it helpful? I don’t know.

I haven’t received any real reviews yet so I’m just waiting to see what people will say about it. Funny how all the authors I “know” well, none of them are self help. They all write fiction novels, particularly about dramatic romantic relationships. I don’t like reading fiction anymore. I haven’t read one in a while. I only read self help articles and books, that is why I wrote one.

On the homefront, my place is still a mess. I haven’t left the house in two days because I’ve been studying and learning and writing and pitching press releases and talking to other organizations and building more blogs and starting new ventures. Like this one. And then there’s this blog about my book.

Don’t forget my resource blog for women. I update that daily.

I’m gonna trust myself here. I’m too happy for this to end. I’m doing too well at this for this to be a BAD thing.

I feel so GOOD on the inside and I am so happy all day. This has GOT to be my ticket to stability. I just have to figure out how and in the meantime I’m eating ramen noodles and cold cereal and smoking cigarettes so I won’t get hungry.

And I love my life right now because right now feels like Christmas Eve. You know how when you KNOW you’re gonna get something good the next day but you STILL gotta make it through the whole day doing the regular things.

I’m doing the regular stuff. Asking for help. Learning. Trying. Building. I’m moving my hands as much as I can.

Let’s see what magic is spun from them.

For years I was weak. Looking into the eyes of every man, hoping to see someone who could love me. Running at the first sign of interest, opening my legs to let them in and simultaneously push them away.

I feel like, I’m too grown to be going through that. And no by grown I don’t mean, I’m working a job with a nice shiny car and a house in my name with a fine ass man to come fuck me on a regular basis. By grown I mean, my expectations for my life and my value have shifted.

I don’t want to desire anything outside of myself to make me happy. I don’t want to NEED anyone outside of myself to make me feel loved.

And I’m damn sure tired of watching women cry and beg men to love them. I know how they feel cuz I used to feel like that. But I’m not anymore and I’m tired of watching women put their man’s happiness over their own. OR sacrifice what they know they are worth to get some attention.

I feel like that’s child’s play. And I’m not a child anymore.

And I don’t want friends like that anymore.

And I’m moving in a new direction.

And I don’t care who doesn’t believe me or believe with me cuz only those who see a vision similar to mine will understand me. That is who my new friends will be.

I’m moving on from these people who stare at me wide eyed and opened mouthed or shake their heads at me in pity because I’m not 10 years into some job or stuck up under some man who gives me his ass to kiss.

I’m straight.

SO STRAIGHT.

On everybody!

Cuz, I’m moving on from all this bullshit.

It’s time to create a new life with new people who want more than just…a man, a job, a shiny car.

Ugh.

I feel like I’m growing past that bullshit.

And it’s done.