Month: January 2011

Dear God,

I feel like Celie from the movie Color Purple. LOL

But anyway… Dear God.

I am filled with so much bliss right now. My sons just fell asleep after we watched a movie called Big. I’ve been having so much fun with them since I lost both my jobs that I can not do anything but hold back the tears cuz I am so grateful that happened. Everything has just been working out for me. It seems kinda scary at first. Like last week my landlord came to my door asking me to leave cuz I was a month behind on my rent. I looked at her like she was crazy and then I just..waited.

I tried to freak out a bit but it wouldn’t come out full force because I know everything always works out for me. Ok, Ok, just ONE night I sat in a daze wondering how I’d pull through but just like always everything worked out.

Like, whatever direction life pushes you in, it always works out.

And now, watching my boys sleep I feel like the luckiest woman alive. They are so smart and full of color and full of life and so eager to learn and explore.

Yesterday we walked downtown and a woman invited us into an art gallery and we went and found out that they were having an art walk where all the galleries were open showcasing their art and offering food to the participants. My boys were elated as we strolled through each gallery, me sampling the art, them sampling the snacks.

We were exposed to a new type of art we had never seen before called Mixed Media. The artists took original photographs and painted over them in some parts creating this weird cool awesome type of paintings and I was in awe for real as I chatted with the artists about their inspiration.

“I’m living the dream,” one artist said as a crowd gathered around her studio.

I wanted to cry.

Today was also a crazy day for me because my sons finally said, “Mom, please tell us what is going on with you and why you keep saying ‘I’m Sorry’ and ‘XYZ’ (the name of a guy I admire).”

I gulped. I paused but I went ahead and told them. “I have anxiety. It’s where I feel afraid but really there’s nothing to be afraid of but I still feel afraid in my heart.”

“So you say ‘I’m sorry’ to calm you down?” My son asked.

“Yes. I do.”

“Well, why do you say XYZ when you’re feeling anxiety?” they asked.

I gulped. “Well, XYZ is the name of a man who treated me very well and I liked him a lot and not too many men have treated me well so for some reason, when I’m feeling scared I say his name without trying to.”

“Yeah, I get it,” my older son said. “It’s like a relief for you to remind you that all men aren’t bad.”

I smiled my biggest smile. It felt so good to be understood.

“Yeah, you got it!”

“But Mama. Do you think if one day you get married you won’t have to say XYZ anymore?”

“Good question. I hope not. I hope if I ever get married, the person I’m with will make me feel safe so I won’t have to think back to that other guy.”

“Yeah, you’ll be going home to him everyday so you won’t be scared anymore,” my younger son said.

I smiled a half smile.

Yeah. If that ever happens.

I am so glad they understood about my anxiety. I can’t hide it anymore. It just comes out and that’s part of the reason why I don’t like to get to know people because I just blurt out random phrases when I’m feeling anxious and its so embarrassing.

My friends are used to it by now and I guess my kids are becoming understanding.

I was invited to a poetry reading tonight and I took my sons. It was different from the open mic nights I have attended because no one performed, everyone, mostly older people in their 40’s and up just sat there and read poetry. When my turn came I performed as usual. You know I can’t sit down. It felt good to perform in front of a new crowd. I performed a piece I had never performed before. Listen…

Afterwards my boys and I walked home holding hands and talking about our day. They had forgotten that we got an early start by going to the laundromat. Since I don’t have a car anymore we had to walk, but they were so helpful and we got things done in about 2 hours.

Clean sheets! YES!

Clean underwear! DOuble yeah!

I am so grateful for this weekend, this time to spend laughing with them and talking to them and sharing wisdom. We talk like we are friends. We tease each other. We each have this “thing” we do when we get frustrated so we imitate each other all the time.

“Do ya’ll cuss yet?” I asked them.

“Well, not really. Every once in a while he’ll say the D word if he hits his foot or I’m making him mad but we don’t like to say bad words all the time.”

We talk about girls and I try to remind them that if they don’t worry about it, the girls will come. My older son seems stressed about it because the boys in his class are getting girlfriends and he hasn’t had one yet.

“Those hoes gonna be on you before you know it,” I told him. “In fact, I guarantee at least 20 girls will like you before you graduate highschool!”

His eyes grew wide and he started off into space. “20 girls?”

“At least,” I assured him. “You’re gonna have fun getting to know them and seeing what girls are like but don’t stress over one cuz there are a LOT of girls out there and someday someone is gonna love you.”

I know I say this everytime but when I’m with them I feel like my BEST me. I feel like I’m magic and I wish I could feel like this all the time.

I was talking to Tamara the other day and I told her that I want my boys to come live with me before they graduate highschool and she said she doesn’t know how that will happen with me going into the creative field like I want to.

I know. Working as a counselor is not my plan at all. I just really want to get through this internship unscathed and learn as much as I can so i can bust the doors open in journalism again.

I wish! I wish! I wish!

And maybe I’ll be able to take care of my boys again.

Oh yeah, my boys said their Dad is now co managing partner for his new law firm. Go head! He’s doing really well. He’s taking great care of my boys too. He’s got a cute new girl who is NOT insecure like the last one and he has a beautiful home he owns. I hope he’s happy.

One day I’m going to get there too, if I can just get through these last two semesters and they’re already starting off dramatically. ~sigh~

I feel like Miss Sophia from the Color Purple, “All my life i had to fight!”

And fight alone at that, but if I don’t fight for me, who will?

So, let me go ahead and handle this to the best of my ability, trusting that the outcome, whatever it is, will be for my best interest. It always is! That is why I am NEVER afraid to lose cuz when I lose, i actually win.

I always wanted a house with a red front door.

Behind that door would be all the treasures of life. Happy, healthy kids. Nice food smells cooked by someone other than me. A nice cool breeze. Cozy furnishings.

Late at night I’d sit on the patio. It would be an upstairs patio close to the sky. No mosquitoes. Just a few candles and a bottle of wine and some snacks. My laptop and me. No one can hear me because I don’t live so close that I can hear forks scraping on plates downstairs.

I’d sit there and smile thinking of all the adventures I had in life. I’d smile and I’d laugh and I’d smile and I’d laugh.

And my phone would ring because somebody loves me and wants to laugh with me.

And then if I’m lucky, someone would peek out the patio door and join me. And we’d get tipsy together under the stars.

And hold each other close and fall asleep.

I’d feel safe. And comforted. And alive and free.

Behind that red door.

It was just a “look” he gave me. I don’t know what it meant really.

I’d be in my counseling session all frantic and upset feeling crazy about not being able to get past the issues I have with men. I’d sometimes cry and get angry and he’d say, “Tee, you KNOW how to stop this.”

And I’d get mad and say, “If I knew how to stop it I’d be doing it!”

Then I’d look at him.

And then I’d stop.

I still don’t know what he was talking about but it worked.

So now, I’m going through this inner turmoil and to stop myself I think of him and that “look” and then I’ll calm down.

Cuz somehow I think maybe it meant it was a conscious choice for me not to be frantic and upset. But I don’t know.

All I know is, it worked.

And I still remember that “look” and its calming affect on me.

And I miss that.

She called me last night.

I hadn’t heard from her in over 6 months but there she was again in my ear, sweet as pie, “Hi Tee. Happy New Year.”

I’ll never tell her that her voice is so beautiful to me cuz I don’t want to get her hopes up.

I don’t like her like that but when she wants to see me I go because I respect the fact that she likes me and I appreciate her for showing it.

But it was the same old complaints as we sat in the bar having drinks and talking. “Why don’t you like me?” “Why are you so mean?” “You don’t fuck with me.”

I’m like, “Look. I DO fuck with you. I answer your calls, I came to meet you. You should be glad its like this you get time with me when YOU want it, I don’t turn you down. I just don’t sweat you.”

She made a face and turned away from me.

I mean I wish I could like her but I don’t feel anything when I see her. She’s cute and bubbly and funny but other than that we have nothing in common.

I can’t talk to her about things I like to talk about. When I think about it, I think the only reason she likes me is because she thinks I’m pretty.

“How do you look now?” she asked softly before I agreed to meet up with her.

“I look the same. My hair is longer,” I replied and sighed.

It’s nice to be appreciated for being “pretty” but there should be something more.

I mean, for real. I don’t want to hurt her feelings so i try to handle her with care at the same time she’s better off finding someone who she matches with in lifestyle. I do not match with her.

But I don’t want to hurt her feelings so when I hear her sweet voice say, “I want to see you, Tee.” I go.

Out of respect for someone who likes me and cares enough to show it.

I hate being paranoid.

I hate the fact that wherever I go when people stare at me I’m thinking about what their motives are and I’m on guard. People stare at me all the time. It’s like a ripple effect when I walk down the street. When men look at me, I’m wondering who sent them and why. When I see a man on his cell phone walk past and he gives me a backward glance I’m wondering who he is alerting to which direction I’m walking and what they are planning to do to me.

I notice EVERYTHING.

I even feel like this when I am at home behind closed doors. I hate it. I hate not ever feeling safe in this world.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

I could realize that sense of safety in this lifetime.

I could finally feel protected and cared for in this lifetime.

I could find a place to be where I know that no one is after me to hurt me.

Fear is faith in evil. The expectancy of bad things.

Why do I expect bad things to happen to me?

~go deeper~

We often expect what we feel we deserve. Why do I feel I deserve bad things to happen to me?

~go deeper~

Is it because regardless of my financial class I have always been a woman of privelege, believing I can have and attaining everything I ever wanted? Is it the fear of my own innate powers?

I’m going to figure this out.

I’ve been posting a lot lately and its mainly because it’s tax season so my BFF is busy and I have things to say and I don’t want to bother anyone else.

Yesterday my BFF called to encourage me to do something different. “Tee, you have to do something besides sit in the house in front of the computer.”

I was annoyed but I listened. “Look, when I’m home and I’m creating I’m building bricks for my future.”

“I’m not saying don’t do that but you have to have some fun too,” she explained.

“This IS fun!”

“Tee. Go do something.”

So I took her Mom up on her offer to attend her church. While I was there last night I was super annoyed by the message he preached. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it may be the way I think but when I realized that EVERYTHING is a social construction, it’s difficult for me to just believe what people tell me. So I’m sitting there and he’s screaming into the microphone and I don’t see him as a spiritual authority just because he’s wearing a robe and calling himself a shepherd. I see him as a man who wants to be a leader so he created this church and created these rituals and people who don’t trust hearing from God themselves, come to him for guidance.

So he had us do all kinds of rituals and sing songs and my back was hurting from the kneeling and standing and he’s a MAN, just like any other man. Why should I follow you? I wanted to scream and run out of there.

I don’t get it. What’s wrong with me? It’s like I woke up from the dream that everyone else is living and I don’t see things as they do. I see the reality of it. No one is better equipped to guide me than I am. No one is more holy than me. And what is holy anyway? No one controls my destiny but me. We are all playing roles WE created but we think they are real.

It’s like a big play but the characters don’t know its a game and they can stop at any time.

I’m scared for me. I don’t know how to play the game like everyone else. What matters most to me is being respected and treated with dignity.

Like I explained to the girl I went out with the other night, “I don’t bother anybody.” Meaning, I don’t force my opinions or views on anyone at all. I don’t call and ask for anyone’s time or energy. I don’t ask for help. I don’t BOTHER anybody.

All I want to do is to be able to take care of myself through the use of my creative gifts and to raise my sons to have happy lives and be prosperous. I have to deal with their Daddy who thinks by insulting me he will get me to do what he wants. Who taught him that horrible method? Why am I subject to it? My sister says, “Cuss his ass out!” but I don’t want to have exchanges with ANYONE in that way. Why can’ we be mature and talk shit out? Why do I always have to be on guard? Why doesn’t any man treat me like I’m the precious gem that I am? Why do I always have to fight against their attacks and manipulations?

And last night I left the service cuz it had been going on for FOUR HOURS. I can’t even sit in CLASS for 4 hours without going crazy and I don’t even stay in the club for more than 2 hours.

I called my guyfriend to come pick me up. We went to eat at IHOP and we were talking and he told me he liked me. I looked at him. I already knew that. I like him too but not in that way. I would never be with him because he doesn’t understand me. I can’t learn anything from him about life and success. He IS there for me when I need him but its always an argument because he doesn’t agree with the way I think or the way I make decisions and I honestly don’t care because I don’t look up to him in any way so who is he to judge ME?

I feel this way about almost everyone I meet? I don’t want your lifestyle so why should I care if you think I’m crazy for being who I am? Why should I care what you think?

I just want to meet one person who understands me.

Just one.

And who understands that the roles we play in this life, the pursuits we have designed for ourselves, it all doesn’t really matter. This world is a playground for us to have experiences and utilize our creative powers and it isn’t permanent.

I want to connect with someone on a soul level, where we “play” in this life but we unite in our inner beings too. Our greatest gifts to each other would be understanding and supporting each other with no hidden agendas.

Is this even possible?

Last night was interesting.

I was sitting here all alone when I get a random text message from one of my old boyfriends from undergrad. He then called saying he’s in town and he wants to meet up to watch the Heat game. I have no issues with him so I tell him I’ll meet him and he comes to get me and we head to a sports bar.

I honestly don’t remember him watching the game at all. The whole time he’s asking me questions and grinning as I answer them. I told him all kinds of stories about my BBDD, my last crush, the women I’ve been dating. I even performed two of my favorite poems for him. He sat there with a goofy grin on his face the entire time. After about 2 hours we left and parked outside of my house.

He turned to me and started pouring out his heart about how much I meant to him back when we were together and how I changed his view of women and he still hasn’t met a woman like me. He said so many beautiful things about me being a real woman and I sat there in the passenger seat listening and smiling down at my hands. It felt good.

Then his hand went around my shoulder and he pulled me close and he…he kissed me.

I let him. I kissed him back but there were no fireworks on my end, I kept thinking of, you know who. I wanted it to be him.

Feeling the coolness of his lips on mine I tried to enjoy the experience. It’s been so long since I kissed anyone. So long since I’ve been touched. I pulled away and smiled, asking him, “Why did you do that?”

He glanced out the window and replied, “I’ve been wanting to do that for the past 3 1/2 hours.”

I laughed.

I continued talking and talking and he sat there nodding his head and smiling at me for about an hour.

“Let’s go inside,” he suggested.

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Cuz you don’t deserve no free pussy. You haven’t done anything yet.”

“Yet?” he asked. “That means I have a chance.”

“Oh. I don’t know if you do. There’s a certain type of treatment that I believe I deserve and you haven’t done that. But, I do plan to go inside and masturbate so maybe you can rub my pussy for me to get me started.”

He smiled at me, reached over and 2 minutes later I said, “Ooh thanks!”

I hopped out the car and waved before running inside laughing.

My phone rings minutes later and it’s him.

“Did you think I was going to call you again?” he asked.

“Nope.”

“Did you care?”

“Nope.”

“I thought so,” he said and was silent. “Tee, you are an awesome woman. I didn’t plan any of this. I just wanted to see you, watch the game and hear about your career and then you did it.”

“Did what?”

“You walked out of your house and sat in my car. As soon as I looked at you it was over; you’re beautiful AND smart.”

I laughed.

“Man,” he continued. “When we were young I didn’t know what to do with you. I couldn’t believe that someone so beautiful could like me back. You were always so real and so sure of what you wanted. I always liked that about you. I didn’t know if I was coming or going but you knew exactly what you wanted. How did you get like that?”

I was in my bed under the electric blanket by then and falling asleep.

“Tee. Will I hear from you later?”

“Nope.”

“I come down to Miami maybe 2-3 times a month. We’re going to see a lot more of each other.”

“Honestly, no we won’t. We won’t see each other again for quite a while. It’s because you didn’t treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated BUT since you admire me so much I WILL see you again sometime just not anytime soon.”

“Ok,” he replied reluctantly.

I hung up after saying good night.

I feel like I’m a princess. My feet shouldn’t touch the ground. I shouldn’t have to lift a finger. All my needs and wants should be met with delight by anyone who is around me. He didn’t do that.

I’m like this, if I can’t have exactly what I want then I won’t have anything at all. I won’t settle. One day someone is going to give me exactly what I require and it will be his pleasure and then I’ll make him happy in the way that pleases him…hmmm…or her.

I’m open minded man.

Now, to get my mind right. I have an audition today. My very audition for a role as an actress. It’s a DVD series that is about 4 seasons in and is gaining popularity and they want to add new characters to the storyline.

Let’s see what happens.

I want some fried chicken.

Some greasy Church’s chicken that comes 2 pieces for a dollar. So random. But that’s how I’m feeling right now.

My head is spinning. This internship is teaching me so much about counseling and the whole process behind it. Now I see the light.

I see the light.

I now understand why he said what he said. I see why he did what he did.

I wouldn’t do the same but I see. It still bothers me though. I’m trying to make sense of everything that’s on my plate. I’m behind on my homework already and I have to finish getting all my paperwork and certifications and I do manage to smile a few times a day because people are so funny.

My supervisor at my on campus internship is a tiny little woman with a LOT of knowledge. I feel like we’re being hazed. We can’t have a session without being interrupted a million times by the phone. Correction. Correction.

None of us have gotten it right yet. But every correction makes us better. I had no idea this was so hard. I can’t even sit in session without thinking of my counselor and now I see how good he was.

When he was counseling ME, he never seemed to even look at his watch yet he knew exactly when to end the session and he ended it so succintly. I can’t figure out how to do that yet.

Discussion. Discussion. Notes. Notes.

And then I have so many writing projects on the table. I’m always spearheading some new idea. I’m trying to keep up with it all but I’m behind on my writing and my reading and I haven’t produced a new article in a week.

I’m tired. Running from bus to bus. Standing in the sun and the cold.

My head is cold. My legs are tired. All I have are heels. Me, in my slacks and heels and button down blouses, running across major intersections from one bus to another. I always make it on time though.

And now I’m hoping I get this role I auditioned for. Of course its NON PAID but I always shine through and one gig leads to another, just like with poetry.

My head hurts. My heart too. Tamara is missing in action. Anna’s sick. My Mama is trying to be a ghost writer to make some extra cash so I’m coaching her writing skills and trying to stay on top of my own portfolio.

I was doing interviews all weekend for my latest ebook. I have 7 months til graduation and I want some really profound work out there by the time I finish school.

I’m building something. I don’t know what yet. I’m hoping for my greatest dreams come true. They will. They will.

It seems like everything I THINK about, just happens. Like the other day I was texting Tamara and complaining that all these people are coming out the blue telling me they really like me and how good I make them feel and I was a bit jealous because no one makes me feel good like that.

“I want some of that tingle too!” I texted Tamara.

And then my phone rings. It’s this dude I just met and I gave him my number when he asked because he was a firecracker and I wanted to see if I could tame him. I haven’t yet but it’s fun trying. He’s a lot like me with a less stellar resume but I don’t really like him. It’s just fun to play a little.

He did ask me what I was doing for Valentines Day and I said, “Writing articles.”

If my dreams come true, and they always do, I’ll get this role and distract myself from this aching heart I have. I’ll fully immerse myself in acting for a while and try some marketing too. I just need a chance to see if I could be a good actress. I think it’ll be fun to try.

I still do wish I could meet someone to make me laugh and to learn from. Someone to share stories with and to build dreams with.

Oh well, I always have my friends. If their asses would ever stop being so busy from building their own dreams. We’re all fire starters, I guess.

Blah.

I can’t even write tonight because I’m so exhausted. This doesn’t count. It’s just my blog and I put no thought into what I’m writing in fact, my eyes are half closed as I type this. What did I write? I’ll have to go back and read later.

I need a massage.

Any takers?

So I was feeling a bit dizzy today. It’s been like that for a while now. I hope nothing is wrong with me. I just have been feeling drained and out of it physically.

And today I was riding the bus home when a girl gets on. I look at her and think, “She’s pretty.” She sits next to me and looks over and smiles a beautiful smile. I smile back and look away. When I look back, she’s smiling at me again and smirks. I smirk back and look away. When I look back she’s smiling again and I KNOW what’s up. She thinks I’m cute too.

But I shrug it off because I don’t want to talk to women right now. When they flirt with me I may flirt back but mostly I just ignore it. I don’t have anything to offer a woman right now, I can barely take care of myself. I think it’s foolish to try to be with someone when you can’t add anything to their life.

But I knew she was interested and I ignored it saying to myself, “If she wants to know me she better say something.”

Then she leans over and says, “Is this McConnell Street?”

I shake my head no.

Ok. She is bold enough so let me entertain this.

“Do you live in this neighborhood?” I ask her.

“I live on Trotman,” she says and I raise my eyebrow. “I live on Trotman too.”

“Where do you usually get off?” she asks.

“At the Circle cuz I don’t want to walk residential streets by myself at night.”

“Oh well tonight you can walk with me,” she suggests.

I pull the string to let the driver know I need to get off and she follows me.

We start talking immediately as we step side by side down the dark street. She’s light brown skinned and petite like me. She is so pretty and girly and I feel like the coolest boy in school walking with the cute girl as we walk together.

“So where are you coming from?” I ask.

“Work,” she says and smiles. She’s blushing.

“Where are you coming from?”

“School.”

“Oh what are you studying?”

I laugh. Whenever anyone asks me this I feel weird because it seems like such a big deal to me and I can’t believe it when I get to say, “I’m becoming a Relationship Therapist.”

“Wow! So you’re gonna be like Dr. Phil?”

“Um, maybe. Just way cuter and less abrasive,” I reply.

She laughs. “I see SOMEONE is kinda….”

“Secure in who she is. Confident in her abilities. Aware of what she can do,” I finish for her.

“I was gonna say conceited,” she retorts. “But you can have that. Do you have kids?” she asks.

“Yes, I do. Two. Do you?”

“No,” she shakes her head and looks at the ground. “I love kids. Love to play with them but none are coming out of my body. It doesn’t feel right.”

I’ve definitely heard that before.

“Well, lemme guess how old you are,” i tell her. I’m really good at that. I guess it comes from so many years of studying people.

Before I could guess she says, “I can tell you about you.”

I laugh, “Go ahead.”

“You are into poetry,” she begins.

Damn.

“And you are a good person. You’ve been hurt by a man before. Deeply hurt. He loved you but not in the way you believe love should be shown so you don’t believe he did. Now you just play games, not games, but you play with people’s minds a little and you don’t give anyone a chance to really get close to you for some reason.”

“So, you’re a psychic?”

She laughs. “No. I just know your type.”

“So I’m a type?”

“No. I mean, I just have this intuition.”

“Me too,” I tell her. “Everyone gives off an energy and I can see it and know what they are really feeling. What their real motivations are behind every action and the things they say.”

“So what did you feel about me?” she asks.

“Um. Your energy is light. As in, not heavy. You’re light hearted and free and sweet.”

She smiles.

“Wait,” I ask her as we cross yet another street. “How do you know about my poetry? Are you one of my fans?”

She laughs and looks at me.

“Fans?”

“Yeah. I get it. You get on my bus, happen to live on my street and you know so much about me. You’ve been researching me haven’t you?”

“What?”

“Who sent you to talk to me?”

She giggles. “Wow. I forgot. You can be paranoid sometimes.”

“Not sometimes, ALL THE TIME. Now tell me what they want to know and why they sent you and I may just give you the information you need.”

She stops mid stride. “Who is THEY?”

“THEM!” I exclaim. I love fucking with her. “The ones who are following us,” I whisper and gesture toward the empty street behind us.

She laughs a hearty laugh and asks, “Why would you have fans?”

“I don’t know,” I reply and put my hands in my pockets. I can see our shadows bouncing down the street ahead of us as we near our corner. “I guess I live an interesting life and people want to know what’s going to happen next.”

“Well what’s your name?”

“Stop playing. You already know my name.”

She laughs. “No I don’t.”

“Yeah right. They sent you and you know who I am already. Don’t play games.”

She’s giggling like crazy as we turn the corner.

“Ok, bye,” she says.

I don’t say bye back. I’m laughing at our interaction when i hear a bang. I look over and this chick is standing in front of the apartments right across the street from mine. She’s fishing through her bag looking for her key.

Damn, she lives too close. I walk into my building and close the gate and laugh as I enter my messy place. She’s cute. I wonder why I met her today.

As I was doing my interviews for my latest ebook I posed a question: What characteristics do you notice about the men you end up dating that lets you know that he will be submissive?

“That’s a good question, Tee,” my subject replied. “I’ll have to think about it and when I figure it out I’ll let you know but now I really want to know for myself so next time I will avoid it.”

I’m going out on a limb here but from what I gather MOST women want a dominant man and I think it’s because they want to be taken care of instead of always having to take care of the dude.

ANd this is an important revelation that I will reveal in my newest book, if I ever get enough rest to finish writing it. This reflects on my life because I SAY I want a dominant man but I always attract submissive ones. These type of men seek me out because they don’t know how to be dominant and they don’t know how to live their lives to the fullest and when they see those qualities in me they want to learn. But since I want a dominant man I try to treat them like dominant men and they get upset that I adore them and trust their leadership because they know they can’t LEAD.

So that’s why my friend’s marriage isn’t working out. She has a submissive man and she treats him like he’s supposed to be dominant and gets upset because he’s not.

And all the men in my past wanted me to tell them what to do and how to be and I wanted to just adore them for who they are. They needed correction and guidance and I have that to give I just don’t want to have to be like that ALL the time, not at home too.

So this dude I just met this past weekend. I gave him my number because he was so cocky with it. But as I get to know him, it scared me that he is so dominant. He doesn’t take no for an answer because he doesn’t even ASK; he just takes what he wants.

I like that.

But I’m noticing that he’s only like that when it comes to relationships. He doesn’t have that confidence in life so he SEEMS dominant in all the ways I appreciate but I can tell he wants me to teach him and challenge him to be better. I don’t know if I want to do that.

For some reason, I’m meeting a LOT of people lately and they all “like” me. I’m like what is going on?

I’m being my real self and they are enchanted by it. My real self will tell them, “Look, I don’t desire being with you so I don’t have to impress you. I won’t do anything to keep you or make you want me. You’re free to go at any time.”

That just makes them want to stay longer.

You can always tell what type of treatment a person likes by what they complain about from their past relationships.

I used to complain about my BBDD being so rude to me but I never “liked” a guy unless he showed me that same treatment. THAT HAS CHANGED. So this guy LOVES the fact that I had an attitude with him from jump and was cussing him out as soon as I met him. He loves that I am a dick tease and I’m good at it.

But today i called him to complain about his behavior and tell him that he is not what I’m looking for.

“You can blame that on me,” he said quietly. “What can I do to fix it?”

I gasped.

I like that.

“First don’t ever introduce ANYTHING into my life in idea or deed that could potentially be destructive to where I’m trying to go,” I told him.

“Ok.” he said.

Damn.

And when I told him, “I’m probably going to sleep with you and then not talk to you afterwards because I’ll lose respect.” he said, “Well, I know that’s a possibility but I’m willing to take the risk and just ride it til you tell me you don’t want to talk to me anymore.”

I gasped.

I like that. But I don’t know if I feel like teaching him how to be a better man. I see myself taking care of him, working hard while he sits home and does his little career and takes care of the house. If I end up being with a woman, I see the same thing too.

But that’s not what I REALLY want from a man. I just don’t see how any man could be as smart and capable of shining next to me without needing my full guidance.

WHERE THE REAL MEN AT?

I have tons of writing to do, starting with homework. Let me get started. I’m up, I may as well.