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Forget the Little Stuff

Here I am! Borrowing a laptop tonight so I can write, relate and release all the thoughts in my heart. If you’re on downelink you can look me up and find me blogging there about my dating adventures and evolution into… ~wink~

But right now I’d like to do some envisioning for my life. Right now I’m doing FINE…Working on my goals, back in school, trying to get a new car, hoping for a breakthrough so I can spend more time with my kids. Man… Listen to this though..

Yesterday I was aching for some inspiration so I got on my little phone and went to google and started googling successful people and I came across this bio for Mother Theresa. It detailed her adventures as a missionary but one line stood out to me.

It read: She spent 15 years as a teacher.

Um…really? 15 years of her life reduced to just ONE SENTENCE? WOW!

You mean, the nights she yearned for companionship..the days she spent praying over her students…the days when she had her period and the cramps wouldn’t go away… all of that was insignificant?

Think about today’s joys and worries… Why do they seem so HUGE when in our biographies, they won’t even be mentioned? Who’s gonna write about you failing your math class when that led you to focus on your writing and you became a best selling author? Who’s gonna write about you being depressed over a break up when you end up spending 40 plus years with the man (or woman) of your dreams?

The little stuff doesn’t matter that much but we make it the end of the world when we experience it today.

Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. In fact, today is just ONE LETTER in an entire sentence that describes a huge chunk of your life.

It’s just random occurrences that lead you to the life you EXPECT. Let’s try not to push and pull for what we WANT and just go with the flow of life.. No one can sabotage us. No one can hold us back. No one can stop us but US.

Surprises await us around every corner. Let go of the things that aren’t trying to hold on to you. Walk away from the things that make you miserable. Release the anger associated with demands you put on people.

Just BE…

ANd BE HAPPY..

Happy that you are alive and have a functioning mind and you can STILL be who you want to be…

I won’t be one of those people who says, “I could have been so much more if only I had tried.” Shit! I’m gonna try every day. I’m gonna try again and again and again until I master that shit.

I promise.

Fuck the little stuff…

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My Dream Lifestyle

I’m reading my inspirational articles and feeling great when I come across this article. It detailed how to create the life of your dreams and it had some great questions. I actually went through this process with Tamara the other day before I even READ the article because I wanted her to really envision her dream life and it was fun!

She talked about how she wanted to be a Mom with 3 more kids. Drive a Benz truck, running her tax business and sitting down to dinner every night with her family. She said Wednesday nights would be Tamara’s surprise…where she’d experiment in the kitchen. She remembered how when she was engaged she was the woman of the house and she felt important. She loved that feeling and wants it again. I want her to have it too so I let her talk and asked questions about everything from her hairstyle to what kind of car she’d drive when she picked me up from the airport when I came to visit.

My turn!

MY DREAM LIFESTYLE

1. Where would I live?
EVERYWHERE! I’d be traveling and seeing the world at my leisure. Writing from the most beautiful and inspiring parts of the world. Of course I’d have a home in Miami and one in another country. There would be a beach nearby so I can walk and watch the sun rise or set. It would be NOTHING for me to hop a flight or a jet and spend a few months here or a few months there..learning growing..loving…writing..making money..speaking.. ~sigh~

2. What would my house look like?
The one in Miami? Well, it’ll probably be settled just outside of Miami, a little north to avoid the crowds. It would be lovely to be on the beach or close enough. I’d love for it to have lots of windows but still be ventilated. I saw a house on the beach one that was so cool… It was right on the boardwalk in Hollywood. As long as I don’t have to clean it…I’m good. I just need a quiet place to retreat from the world…

3. What time would I wake up?
Whenever my body woke me up.

4. What would I do in the morning?
Wake up. Stretch. Walk. Call my friends. Check my email. Dance. Get back in bed.

5. What would you do in the first half of your day?
Call my assistant to see what was going on with my schedule. Make decisions on what I want to do with the rest of my day. Have lunch with my friends. Laugh.

6. Who would you have lunch/dinner with?
I’d have lunch with my friends and then dinner with my kids or an admirer. Hopefully..it’s someone I admire BACK. LOL

7. What would my friends be like?
The same friends I have now. They aren’t going anywhere.

8. What are my clients like?
You mean…my readers? Oh. they’ll be people of various ages looking for a breakthrough in their mental state. Maybe I’ll still be counseling then too so I guess my counseling clients will be looking for the same thing; coaching, guidance, someone to help change their perspective so they can have a great life.

9. What are my relationships like? What do we like about each other?
My sons and I are so close. They call me everyday. They fly out to see me whenever they can and they read all of my books and watch me on TV and brag about me all the time because they love how I created the life of my dreams. I love how they live life so freely..without trying to fit in or be what others expect them to be. I love my friends and how we STILL support and celebrate each other! Its awesome being a part of someone’s life for so long..knowing their WHOLE story…and holding hands the entire time…

10. What do we do for family time?
We go on adventures! In foreign countries! And just hang out and explore! Yes!

11. WHat is my relationship like with my kids? What do we appreciate about each other?
Huh? I thought we answered that question already in number 9.

12. What would we talk about over dinner?
Whatever they want to talk about..

13. What would I do at night?
Um…I’ll probably have someone special in my life. Someone creative and brilliant who adores me and loves to be around me. We’ll probably hang out in the evening and I’ll watch that person go to sleep and I’ll stay up to write and create until the wee hours of the morning.

14. Who would I do it with?
I don’t know. Hopefully Kanye. But if not him…then a very special lady…that i can learn from and admire and be super sexually free with. Yum!

15. What would my thoughts be as I go to sleep?
OH MY GOSH! I CANT BELIEVE I AM IN THIS BEAUTIFUL ASS HOME WITH MY OWN BOOKS ON THE SHELF AND A FULL REFRIGERATOR AND THIS FINE ASS CHICK IN MY BED WHO ADORES ME! OH SHIT! AM I IN HEAVEN OR SOMETHING! YEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

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My New Safe Place

Ever since I’ve moved into my new place I’ve been…sleeping at night..
Except for the night before last when i was filled with anxiety after giving that girl a ride home. Won’t do that again. But last night I fell asleep and woke up when the sun came up. It was soo nice…
I am so grateful for my new place. It’s a newly remodeled home that someone bought and flipped into a community of renters with all new large studios and its so private! I feel safe here.
I haven’t felt safe all summer long. In both places that I lived I hated going home and it was so hard so hard to relax. I just couldn’t. But that’s all over and as soon as get back in the groove of things mentally, I’ll be alright.
I mean, I think this summer affected me in a bad way. Not only because I lost my car but because i was in a situation for 4 whole months where there was nowhere I went that I felt safe. I didnt feel safe at work or at the places I was renting. It was so hard always being on guard at every moment, never having the chance to relax. It’s really about control. My lack of it in the past, and my desire for it now. Its really defensiveness. I want to CHOOSE the people I have in my life. if you choose me I say NO.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve had a peaceful experience at work. I hope it lasts.
Today I contacted the girl I met a while ago. Ive been meaning to ask her out since I heard she broke up with her girlfriend. She’s so adorable to me and I’m not like…OOH WEE about her but she’s a sweetheart and I would love to be nice to her. I’d let her into my life because she doesn’t demand that i do. She just placed herself there and waited. When i think of her I smile. Im not expecting a girlfriend..but at least someone to hang out with who is SINGLE and can flirt with me and tell me I’m cute will be a welcome addition to my life.
I havent had a hug in a while… I’m glad I’m going to go out with her and I feel no pressure. She said YES she was hoping I’d contact her.
I’m getting better at asking girls out. Confidence is increasing and now that I have my own safe, beautiful space to live in, I think things are going to get better and better….
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My Own Time Zone

I just got home from class and I realized that… I LOVE MY NEW PLACE! LOL
I love living alone..No one knocking at my door. no one listening at my door. no one coming to my door. no one to speak to when I get home.. No one to eat my food. No one to tell me to clean up. No one to get mad when I don’t wanna do anything I don’t want to do. No socializing. Just ME!
Close my door and no one can bother me. GRATEFUL! YEAH YEAH YEAH!
Anyway…I also noticed that…when I’m in class (or at work) I tend to tune everyone out. Like today in class I knew the professor was speaking but i didn’t hear him. I accepted the handouts with a smile but tucked them away in my notebook while I finished writing my own creative project. I could feel the vibrations of people laughing and participating and a couple of times I saw the guy next to me looking at me and his lips were moving. I just nodded and smiled and he would laugh and motion toward the professor. Maybe he was talking to me. Maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t really care.
I can tune out the whole world around me sometimes. Its weird because I don’t CHOOSE to do it..it just happens. People could be fighting, talking about me or even having a fit and i wouldn’t notice because…if you’re not speaking directly to me…I completely tune you out.
Weird…really weird…but my days go smoother that way..plus I’m not really interested in other people’s lives unless they share with me directly. But if you do decide to share…i want every last detail…. gimme the juice.. lol
It’s raining outside and all i want is my windows movie maker program to act right so I wont have to learn a completely new program in order to make this video i planned…. A nice rainy night like this…some cookies…some milk…and a vision that is already mapped out.. oh boy… thats creative orgasm material… I would love to finish this tonight and upload it by tomorrow. It’s gonna be so much fun…Damn I’m getting aroused just thinking about it.
My topic: What’s Wrong With Her? Why Did She Become a Lesbian?
~sigh~ It’s gonna be so good and so inspirational… Oooh…Lemme see if I can find the program on another sight so i can download it. Later!
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My Sister’s Baby Scares Me

Today I spent time with my sons. We went out to eat lunch after football before dropping them off to drama rehearsal. I swear…my BBDD has them in ALL KIND OF activities! If they were living with me they wouldnt have been in ANYTHING… I remember being so tired all of the time when I was raising them by myself and all I wanted to do was go to sleep by 10 every night. I don’t see how he has the energy to be at every meeting and every practice and.. whew!
I swear…
But anyway…after dropping them off all the way downtown I came all the way back UP to Ft. Lauderdale to pick up my little sister from the hospital. Her baby has to stay because she’s not feeling well. Before we left we stopped by the ICU to see my NIECE (still gotta get used to that) and it was time to feed her so my sister asked me to do it.
ME?
I was nervous as hell. That baby can’t do anything! I mean, her head wobbles and all. I know I have two sons but my sons wear deodorant. They play football. They read and like girls and do all kind of shit. I can’t even remember when they were that little, having to do every little thing for them like that. I held her neck and head while I bottle fed her and the nurse said to me, “You can breathe at the same time.”
I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath. It scared me being so close to someone so small and so dependent. When the time came to burp her I was at a loss. My sister took a pic of me looking all perplexed and I said, “I’m not babysitting until she turns 8 months.”
I can’t believe I forgot what to do… I did it all by myself with TWO kids while I was in undergrad…and working…and managed all that and right now..I have no clue what to do with a baby..
Craziness…
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We Are Not Saviors

Last week in my Substance Abuse Treatment class I paid very close attention. Since last semester I met a girl who told me she had a drug problem, I was excited to learn how to help her stop doing drugs. to my surprise my professor made her point well known that WE ARE NOT SAVIORS.
We should not ever think that our job is to get people to stop using drugs. They use drugs because they want to and it is not our obligation to educate them on what the drugs are doing to their bodies or their lives because they already know.
I was like WHAT?!!!!!
She continued to say that our purpose as therapists is to work on the other areas of their life that they are concerned with and to help them shift their focus to improving those areas.
WHAT?
WE ARE NOT SAVIORS…
Really?
I mean damn…how often do I take it as my OBLIGATION to help everyone around me improve their lives and lifestyles whether they want to improve or not. Don’t have a drivers license? I’m taking you to take the test. Don’t know what to do with your life? I’m helping you figure it out and holding your hand until you do.
I made it my OBLIGATION to ensure the well being of others, often to my own detriment. I learned this summer that most people look out for THEMSELVES FIRST. I never used to do that. Hey…you can have my last piece of cake. Hey…you can get the good seat and I’ll take the backseat. Enjoy your life and I’ll celebrate with you..hoping I get a chance..but if not, it’s okay…I’ll just be happy watching you be happy.
Walking those miles…catching those cabs….watching people eat while I was hungry…Offering help when help wasn’t offered to me… Watching people speak barely two words to me since I couldn’t help them anymore….man It taught me a lot.
I am NO ONE’S SAVIOR.
My obligation is to me.
I can say No.
I don’t have to feel bad. I dont have to hold anyone’s hand anymore.
Just like I had to figure it out…they will too..if they want to. If not..that’s on them.
I am no one’s savior.
I have to save myself first…
And I’m getting there….
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Look For Clues While You Date

As a future RELATIONSHIP THERAPIST I find that most people are frustrated in their dating process. In a hurry to find THE ONE, they discount the healthy information gathering experiences they encounter along the way.
Why be so glum about the last chick who entered and subsequently exited your life? Your pain is not caused by HER or anything she did. The pain you are experiencing is really caused by your lack of CONTROL over keeping her in your life. Why do you want to keep her so badly? Well, you may be tired of looking and waiting for your ONE. You may believe she was the ONE and you can’t believe that you didn’t make it work or that she would walk away. Your frustration is tied to the insecurity based belief that you can possibly miss out on your ONE.
What if I told you that you could NEVER miss out on your ONE? What if I told you that each experience leading up to meeting your ONE were all interactions that acted as CLUES to be able to recognize your ONE?
So, the first woman I was attracted to, didn’t find me attractive. I could be sad and depressed or I could recognize that… SEEING HER WOKE ME UP TO THE FACT THAT I LIKE WOMEN and I like studs in particular. CLUE #1
So the second girl i met wasn’t really my type. Meeting her provided me with CLUE #2, I do not like femmes like that AND I don’t like women who need to be lifted by recreational drugs and habits all day.
The next girl I met was as sweet as can be. She was a stud. She was hardworking. She took care of me in a way that only my FRIENDS treat me. CLUE #3. My ONE must be someone who is nurturing and sweet to me. She must be hardworking. Although I didn’t like her like that…I am simply following my clues and not trying to HOLD ON..but allowing my feelings to guide me.
So there’s this girl i know who has an awesome personality. Everytime I’m around her I’m smiling and laughing. She’s a stud. She dresses impeccably. She is hardworking. She is a nurturer. She loves to laugh and have a good time. She and I are just friends and have never crossed that line, but she gave me CLUE #4, I like girls who love to look good everyday all day. I love girls with loves of personality and stands out in a crowd.
A few months ago I met a girl who is a stud. She dresses like WHOA. She has an awesome personality. She loves to laugh. She makes me laugh. I feel comfortable talking to her. She understands my personality and doesn’t believe anything is wrong with me. I am calm when i interact with her. I don’t have to be anything other than…me. My body reacts to the site of her. She is also extremely intelligent, well educated, very argumentative and a champion for women’s rights. I learn from her everytime I speak to her. She is awesome in every sense of the word and I feel PROUD to be next to her when I am with her. But…she has a girlfriend. That’s okay. CLUE #5 I like girls who are intelligent and stand up for the rights of others. I like girls who are ambitious and hardworking. I like girls who challenge ME intellectually. BUT…I want someone who is available to me and interested in me.
You see? I could be all sad about all the women I’m meeting who are NOT right for me OR I could enjoy their company while it lasts and pick out the good parts of who they are..adding those to my wish list for my ONE. It’s a failure method to try to force FOREVER on any relationship. You never agonize over whether you and your bestfriend will be together FOREVER. You simply…chill out and be her friend.
That is exactly how you should engage women when you are dating them. Chill out and be a FRIEND. Be open to showing care and concern. Don’t push for things to happen and NEVER try to make someone stay. If you don’t TRY, you’ll find out who wants to stay on their own.
Just a few things I’m learning as I try to be more open to having someone in my life. Next month makes 9 years of me being single and I’m cool with that yet..it would be be able to write about a different experience.
All my best to you in your journey!
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She Can’t Be Cuter Than Me

I don’t know maybe it’s just me but um…
Are you ever at home about to get ready to go out and you KNOW you’re going out with a really cute girl and you’re looking in your closet and you think, “Oh I’m not about to let this bitch me cuter than me tonite!”
Why do I feel like I’m competition with the girls I go out with? LOL I never used to feel like any woman had anything on me until I met the most beautiful stud in the world…then I felt raggedy for the first time. LOL
Last night I went out to meet up with a cute stud friend… and when I saw her my mouth dropped open. I swear…if I was into casual sex I would have molested her ass… I wanted to scream she was so fuckin cute! But ofcourse she has a girl so I had to just chill and spend most of the night by myself… SMH
Its weird…I am not attracted to femmes like that but a fine ass stud…oh lord…i just gotta step my game up when I go out with her…. I DONT KNOW WHY!!!
Why are studs the only type of women I think are more attractive than I am? And why am i even comparing when I never compared myself to any woman before? I don’t get it…
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One Just Like Her…

I woke up this morning with my cute stud friend on my mind. I hope I’m not coming down with a crush..that would suck.
Anyway…I like having her as a friend because I can be my real self and talk about the shit I really like to talk about and I learn from her because she’s mature. I realize the MAIN reason why I feel comfortable with her is the fact that she has a girlfriend. If she didn’t I don’t think we could have become friends because I would have been too nervous and set all these requirements so I could push her away you know..since I’m too afraid to like someone again.
But since she has a girl…I get to be around her and hang out and it’s quite odd..I feel so comfortable. The other night when our mutual friend was supposed to meet us on South Beach but canceled at the last minute, it ended up just being me and her. We hung out, had dinner went to the club and by the time I dropped her off we were both smiling so big.
“I had a great time with you, Mistee,” she said.
“I had a great time with you too,” I told her.
So that’s why I went last night to see her again. She’s so unusual. I like…just LOOKING at her. And past that…I like TALKING to her…I love it when she mentions her ex girlfriends. I have no ex girlfriend stories because I have never had a girlfriend before so those are always interesting. I like her perspective on relationships and friendships and I really love when she rushes me off the phone so she can talk to her girl…
I loved meeting one of her exes. That girl was HOT! I was like…..damn! And she was cool as fuck.
This cute stud friend of mine is like….a lot of what I would want if I ever stopped being afraid. In fact, last night at work…I was just happily serving my tables and I stopped in mid stride when I realized..my fantasy came true.
See…I see so many stud/femme couples and i always wonder what it would be like to BE one of those couples. The cute ones. And there I was the other night…out with a FINE ASS STUD…walking on South Beach, totally engaged in the conversation. She looked good. I looked good. If we were a couple we’d be so cute together!
I know she has a girl so it wasn’t really me and MY girl…but it came close enough for now…
I really got to experience what I had been fantasizing about…
And it was awesome.
I felt like such a star when i was with her. Weird but…I’m not physically attracted to her like that. I mean..she’s beautiful and I LOVE looking at her but, I think its her personality that intrigues me the most.
She’s HOT and smart and has a swagger like a star. She checks me. She makes me laugh.
I’m glad I met her. I hope we stay friends forever.
And if I ever do get a girl…I want one like her…
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What a LONG DAY!

Today was simply an awesome day!
During today’s training class we spent the entire time practicing superior customer service skills. I mean..I THOUGHT I was the shit…but with THIS information, I can now step my game up. I’m so glad she allowed us to take the training manual home. I can keep it and refresh myself from time to time.
It was sooo detailed… like…How do you react if someone calls to try to cancel their order? Act shocked… Now demonstrate it. We all had to make up a line that demonstrates shock. LOL “Act as though we NEVER get cancellations and the idea of them cancelling is foreign to you,” my trainer said.
We also had to do a presentation…like an infomercial, demonstrating the difference between the FEATURES of our product and the BENEFITS of our product. I ROCKED THAT SHIT! LOL My trainer was like, “Tee…you have a GREAT presence and voice!”
Duh! LOL My training class echoed her sentiments, “You were born for this…”
I see how my job as a server prepared me for this. I’ve spent so many months practicing making people feel good. As we went through each service driven quality we performed our responses and every time my trainer smiled at me, “Tee, they’re going to love you.”That felt so good..to be recognized and applauded and PREPARED ahead of time. And…the people who work there LIKE working there. No one talks shit about it at all. No “that bitch ain’t shit” talk about the managers and no “Watch out for THAT one…”
I hope it lasts..
THEN….I got to go pick up my sons at their football practice and take them to dinner before jetting over to my sister’s house where my Mama was waiting to welcome my niece home. We all cheered when my sister and her boyfriend got there! We took so many pictures and laughed and made fun of the baby looking all mean in her baby seat.
My sister is sooo happy! Here she goes…her journey into motherhood. Now all of my Mama’s kids have children… She was there looking so happy!
THEN…I got to take my boys home to MY HOUSE. Man…it felt so good. This summer they didn’t get a chance to spend the night with me much since I was living in places I wasn’t comfortable in. When they got here they smiled…thank goodness. My sons are so picky! When they first saw my new (to me) car they wrinkled their nose at it.
When I told my friend the story she said, “Now you know they get those high standards from you…” SMH TRUE!!!
They’re asleep now and I feel soo happy! In a little while I’ll go cuddle with them again… They sure do love me and it feels so good. Now THIS is the love I’ve been missing…
I’m gonna make it through this semester I know it! Everything is alright…
Yep…