Month: April 2008

When Anna calls me this morning I’m on another phone call and I can’t answer. We play phone tag throughout the day and when we finally reach each other I’m in my car on the way to my last therapy session.

I jabber away about all the silly stuff that I’m involved in and random nonsense and Anna listens but I can tell that her head is really somewhere else.

“Ok, I’ll let you go to your appointment, call me when you’re done,” she says.

I take the elevator up to the counseling center and I go in to meet my counselor. As soon as he shuts the door I smile and says, “Today will be my last therapy session.”

He smiles and claps his hands.

“And today I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned since I’ve been coming here.”

“Sounds good to me,” he says.

“First I learned that when the negative thoughts seem to overwhelm me I have to learn how to balance my thoughts which will lessen my anxiety. Then I remember you telling me to try to limit my ‘buts’. You know when I mention that something good is happening and then I turn around and negate it by saying “But this is happening too…” I’ve gotten rid of most of my BUTS too. I’m still working on that.”

He smiles at me.

“I’ve also learned to relax by creative visualization and breathing excerises. And..umm..the situation with school is better, but that got better with time. Next time I’ll remember that any new activity that makes me nervous will get better with time.”

I asked him a few more questions including one that my friend asked me to ask, “When someone is experiencing a repetition of thoughts surrounding a particular negative event, how do they stop it. My friend says she keeps picturing the negative scene over and over and over everyday and it makes her feel bad.”

“What did you say to her?”

“Well, I told her about saying STOP when she sees the image or has the thought. And she says that has worked for her. I also told her about timing the negative thought and giving it a limit, like say 15 minutes to think about the topic and after that she has to think about something else. She says she’s so busy watching the clock that she forgets to think about the thing that was bothering her!”

He laughs.

“Good advice. You did well. I think other people use a rubberband and place it around their wrist. When they have the negative thought, they snap the band and the prick of the band snaps them out of it.”

“Ooh, I’ll tell her that!”

“One more thing before I go…What do I say when someone is emotional and is talking about someone else and how they treated them and the person is being ridiculous because of their emotions?”

“Ok, well, first of all, you can’t give rational advice to a person who is on an emotional high, they can’t connect with it. First you listen to them and let them vent. Then you empathize and let them know you understand where they are coming from. And then…when you see that they have calmed down a bit, you can offer them the rational advice. But you have to do it when THEY are ready.”

“Thanks so much for all your help!” I tell him as I shake his hand and leave.

And yes, my counselor was so georgeous, sometimes it was hard to concentrate! I definately feel the theory that patients often fall in love with their therapists. I can see why. You have a person who is non judgemental and who is right there with you as you go through the craziness in your life. It’s definitely attractive.

When I leave I head over to the clinic. Since I have no insurance I need a free one. I get in to see the nurse and she confirms that I have another UTI. This is my second one, the first one landed me in the hospital because I didn’t know what was going on and I let it go for too long and it turned into a kidney infection. So now I know what to look for and she gave me a prescription for antibiotics.

GO AWAY UTI!

Anyway…Anna finally caught up with me as I forced myself to go to class tonight. We had been playing phone tag…AGAIN…for the rest of the day and she finally caught me at 6:30.

“You on yr way to class?”

“No, not yet, but I’m getting dressed. What’s up?”

“Well, I’m feeling good, but not so good,” she began.

I sat listening quietly as she explained.

“My job…they let me go,”

Let her go where?

“They didn’t reknew my contract for next year so basically in a couple of months, I’m out of a job.”

Whoa!

“But I’m not upset,” She explained. “I know I can find another job. The problem is, I still have to work there for two months knowing they don’t want me to come back. And it’s not my work, I KNOW I did my work, they say it was budget cuts.”

I sat quietly, allowing her to finish. See, Anna is the strong silent type, but sometimes she doesn’t want to be like that. I was sitting there trying to read her aura, trying to feel her vibe to see if she was really okay.

I smiled as I realized…she was. She is.

“I have a plan. I checked into massage therapy school and if I start now I can be done by the end of this year.”

“Dawg! That was your dream for so long!”

“I know! And look what happened. I would have never left teaching to follow it, but now it seems that I can do it, if God will make a way. But I refuse to believe that my life is going to be rough. I refuse to believe that God has anything besides great things in store for me. Life HAS to be good, I give too much, I sow too many seeds. I’m just gonna see what He does.”

See?

That’s why Anna is my friend.

Speaking of friends…

Tamara blessed me the other night. She called me up and said, “Girl, let me tell you how good God is. This is the first time in my entire life that I’ve been depressed. I’ve never had to deal with anything like this, but look what He does..He has YOU start school for therapy and you’ve helped me so much. All the things you tell me to do, works. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t started school this semester. This was right on time for me….I just wanted you to know that.”

Yes, Tamara has been going through a rough patch emotionally this year so far. She’s been dealing with the emotional angst of her last relationship ending, having to see him with another woman around her child, financial crisis AND she’s in love with someone new and she’s having a hard time allowing him to be there for her since the last two men who promised to take care of her walked away, leaving her with a child and nothing else.

But this man is different. She can tell it, I can tell it, everyone can see. Still, she’s torn between healing from her last relationship and fully embracing this one while she seeks to establish herself, independent from any man’s help.

And my sister…

She is blessed. She is still working for that elderly woman in Boca and loving it. She doesn’t do much, she’s a companion and she’s saved all kind of money and keeps herself looking nice, just like she always wanted to. Just like I always knew she could.

She’s in love..again.

The new guy, his name is Adam and he’s very sweet to her. Just today she called me and told me that his mom called her to hank her for being such a good influence on him and giving him focus.

And Kim…

Kim’s doing okay. Somehow, she’s made it this far in her new condo, she finished her MBA and she still hasn’t found a job yet. She still has her car, her bills are paid..All I can say is THANK GOD. Kim is doing well.

I don’t know about this boyfriend of hers though… I’m getting mixed signals from him. I want to believe that he’s a good guy because he treats her well, it’s just…something is telling me…he’s not the one.

I could be wrong. The last time I had that feeling was with Tamara and it was so hard to tell her because her man wasn’t abusing her or belittling her in any way, it’s just..I had this feeling.

Well, it’s my feeling so I’ll keep it to myself..for now…

Kim and I were discussing a mutual friend today. This friend is trying to start a business however, he knows absolutely nothing about business or even the business he’s trying to start.

This annoys me because I feel like when he asks me questions they are such basic questions that he should already have the answer to since he claims to be so passionate about his goal.

See…When you have a passion for something, no one should have to hold your hand to motivate you to do it. I write because I love to write. I write for free, just because I love to do it. I research all day and night, reading about people who have become successful doing what I want to do and learning about different ways that people achieved success.

I ask myself, “What was their mindset? How did they overcome obstacles? What was it that drove them to keep running toward their goal?”

I often write to people that I admire and ask for their advice or at least tell them my goals and ask for feedback for how to get there. For me, becoming an inspirational journalist, author, therapist and television personality is not a goal. It’s more like…well, like a passion.

I’ll spend hours and hours reading what other well known authors have to say about relationships, self improvement and becoming an author. When I spend money, it’s not on a pedicure or clothes, it’s for books and audio tapes that will help to improve my mental state and increase my knowledge of the field I’m trying to excel in.

It’s not about being disciplined to do things like that. I need no discipline because it’s fun for me. When you’re doing something that you are really passionate about, you don’t need discipline, because it is your greatest joy to do it.

I know some people may look at me and think, “What a nerd! She knows all the interesting websites, has all these bookmarks of self help websites and spends so much time on the internet reading and learning. Why doesn’t she get a life?”

Well, I do have a life. My life is my passion for encouraging others and improving myself. I literally have FUN when I’m researching and I learn something new.

I daydream about meeting my favorite authors and sitting beside them on a panel. I fantasize about winning my Pulitzer and the TV show that I’m going to have.

I can see it!

I really can!

I’m going to be so helpful to people because I’m healing myself and being honest about the things that have caused me to stagnate in relationships and life.

I am sooo into the internet and I truly believe that the internet is going to be a strong part of my future.

No one had to tell me to log on this morning. No one had to force me to read articles written by self improvement teachers. No one made me sign up for various ecourses and online classes to improve my writing. I do it because I love what I do and I want to be among the best at it. I’ll do anything that it takes to become a better writer and speaker.

I believe I will get there if I keep trying.

I can already see my name on Hallmark cards like Maya Angelou.

And I can see the words Pulitzer Prize winning author next to my name.

I can feel the hugs that I will get from the women who will say that my books have changed their lives.

It’s almost like being in love…

That’s how I feel about the path I’m taking.

My classes are delicious and tasty. Every article I write is becoming better and better. I’m branching out into new areas of media and I am amazed by the opportunities that come my way.

No..I may not be there yet…but right here is nice.

Right here I am enjoying laying the foundation for my life’s passion to encourage others…

And..Mmmm..it feels so good!

I love you!

Last night’s Human Sexuality class was spent with everyone giving their insight on how the class has changed their view on sexuality. Most people reported that the class has made them more open to different sexual attitudes and our professor told us that she hopes that we all will understand how uncomfortable it is for clients to discuss sexual problems.

One of our classmates asked a brilliant question, “How do we go about asking about sexual history?” That question was great because it sparked a debate on the best way to get people to open up about their sexual past.

As I sat and listened to different opinions and approaches I shook my head in disbelief. I can’t believe that I am in school to learn how to help people with their problems. It seems like such a natural passion for me and I get to go to class and learn how to help people heal. What a mighty God I have!

This is incredible.

One of my classmates had the book, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle on her desk. I grabbed it with a smirk on my face and explained to her and others around me what a controversy that it has created through Oprah’s promotion of the book. The woman who owned the book said that her hairdresser gave it to her and told her it would change her life. I smirked.

“I haven’t read it,” I admitted. “But that’s because I hate to follow trends. I was like that about the law of attraction but when I let down my guard I actually learned a lot by studying it. Let me read a few pages and peep his writing style.”

As class went on, I hid the book on my lap and turned to a random page in the middle and began reading. Not only was his writing style easy to follow, the information he presented about his theory of “the pain-body” really affected me.

I can’t remember the exact words but he wrote something like: You might think that many people who have a very high pain-body (inclination to negativity and despair) will be that way forever but those people have a higher chance of awakening because when they get tired of being that way, they will work extra hard to get out of it.

That made sense and encouraged me. Because I was always so negative about myself, these days I’m willing to try WHATEVER to get on the right track. If that means meditation and centering, I’m all over it. Whatever it takes to get myself right..I will do it.

Today I went with my son to his fieldtrip and I overcame an obstacle that had dominated my life.

When I meet others parents I usually stay to myself and try not to get to know them. I guess I figured that I wasn’t normal MOMMY enough to befriend them. The parents who went on the fieldtrip today were really nice. We laughed and chatted and I am so glad that I opened up to talking to them.

Maybe I’m getting over my fear that I’m so out there that I won’t find anything in common with the people I encounter. I really hope so. I have so much to give…I want to give it. I have decided to search for a common ground when I meet people instead of focusing on the things that are different.

Tonight as we cruised through the local Target, I spied the book, A New Earth. I bought it and I’ll happily share my thoughts on what he has to say.

Stay tuned….

I learned this semester that there’s a big difference between being nice and being a pushover but I didn’t know how to break out of that.

Until today…

I guess all of my bottled up anger exploded today when I, once again, casually went up to my sons football practice to watch their game (well, sorta… football makes me sleepy). Again my BBDD had his girlfriend there. No big deal. She always comes to things. I have no problem with that.

What I DO have a problem with is when she waits until no one is around, then she comes up to me and says all kind of nasty things to me. It startles me because I’m not expecting it, nor do I ever say a WORD to her, unless she speaks to me first.

So the first couple of times this happened, I was like..you need to chill out. I’d look at her like she was crazy and then I’d ask, “What’s wrong with you?”

I asked my BBDD to tell her not to speak to me and he said he would. I called the house to speak to my sons and she yelled at me and hung up in my face. I asked her once to have my kids call me back after their nap, she didn’t let them.

My kids even came to me one weekend and said, “Mommy, we wanted to call you back last night but HyperChick told us we couldn’t. Another time my son came to me and said, “HyperChick is mean, she told me I was fat.”

So everytime something goes down, I don’t call her, I call my BBDD and I try to talk to him about it. He calmly explains that he doesn’t believe me, because I’m full of lies and he says he will talk to her about it, or tell her to stop speaking to me.

Now, can one guess WHY she finds it important to talk to me in disrespectful manner when NO ONE ELSE in the world has probably ever heard her shoot venomous words like that before?

I’ll tell you.

I allowed it.

I would let her say all kind of fucked up things and just shake my head and say, “Bless you.” or just call my BBDD and tell him to control her.

He hasn’t. I guess he can’t.

But today I was sitting on a picnic blanket with my notebook out, dialing a phone number for a source to do a quick interview during the boys football practice. She was sitting about 10 feet away, while BBDD was standing next to her, watching the field.

I heard the phone ringing for my source and out of the corner of my eye I saw my BBDD walk away. Something in my spirit said, “She is going to start with you RIGHT NOW.” This is what she does when he walks away.

As soon as my spirit said that I saw her turn toward me, wrinkle up her face and start hissing an insult to me. Phone in hand, not on mute, oblivious to everyone around me I CURSED HER ASS OUT. I called her all type of bitches and hoes and told her that if she has something to say, COME SAY IT IN MY DAMN FACE.

She sat up straight in her chair, obviously surprised that i said something to her and tried to look at the field as though she had not said anything to me at all and that I was crazy. She shot me the middle finger like a little kid and I turned around, breathing heavily to try to salvage my interview. My source was on the phone like, “Tee, do I need to come out there?”

When BBDD walked back over, I shouted, “You betta control your girlfriend. IF she says one more thing to me, it’s not going to be pretty.”

To which he threatened to call the police on me and I was like, “So? These are MY KIDS.”

A few seconds later, he asked her to move to another spot. As he walked away, she lagged behind, turning to me with the most WIDE smile and grinning happily as though she was saying, “Ha! I got you!”

Yeah..you got me bitch. But you also got HIM. What a prize!

I hate to allow anyone to control my emotions like she did today, but in hindsight I’m glad that I did that. And I’ll do it again. Tomorrow if she likes. It was fun. It really was. I ain’t scared no more. I’ll do it everyday that she asks for it. All she has to do is speak to me again, and it’s on.

I don’t care what anyone thinks. I am not going to allow ANY FUCKING BODY, to talk to me any kind of way. FUCK THAT!

I don’t want to do that whole, “Be the bigger person shit anymore.” If she wanna play, I’ll play.

If she wanna take it to the next level, I can too. If she wanna call her friends, I have friends too. My sister alone could handle all of her friends.

I already been to jail. I have no fear. Let’s do this.

And then I got home and I kinda felt bad but my sister was congralulating me and asking me if she could come and curse her out too. I told her if she’s a good girl, I’ll let her do it.

Now..you know me..trying to figure out why people act a certain way.

Why does she act in that manner, always stirring up trouble when I never provoke her because I’m too busy enjoying my life. How could she be feeling?

Ohh..I know. INSECURE

If you are insecure in your relationship you try to make the relationship between others miserable. If you are miserable in your life, you try to make others miserable. The only time you will radiate happiness to everyone around you is when you are happy yourself. No, I’m not talking about putting on a happy face and faking your mood, true happiness is displayed in your spirit. Most people can’t recognize the difference..I can.

So, I’ve analyzed the reasons why she may be insecure and I’ve come up with several.

Would it be mean of me to post them here?

Well, I’m in that kind of a mood today.

1) I’m prettier than her.
2) I have two kids from the man she loves, who won’t have any kids with her, propose to her or even live with her after almost 6 years of them being together.
3) I’m more creative than she is.
4) She will never be me.

So today…I just enjoyed the emotion of anger and allowed my mind to come up with the worst thing that I could wish on her life.

Pretty evil, huh?

And the WORST thing I could think of…

I WISH..with all my heart…

That HyperChick and my BBDD…

GET MARRIED…

HAVE 10 KIDS…

STAY TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES…

~smile~

That will give me the BEST satisfaction knowing that justice was served.

Really…I think they deserve each other.

They make a great match!

Ok, I’ll be back to my old self soon..but first I have to do a love spell so that they will become engaged this year!

~fingers crossed~

I read this article on Erin Pavlina’s blog. Erin is a psychic medium and she shared her thoughts on what happens after we die. Although I have no desire to figure out what happens when we die, her views challenged me to live a better life.

Take a look at an excerpt….

The Life Review
by Erin Pavlina

“There is a destiny which makes us brothers; none goes his way alone. All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own.” – Edwin Markham

Many people, including myself, believe that when you die you go through a life review. It’s like the post-mortem concept in video game development. When the project is done, you take some time to review it and see what worked, what didn’t, and how you might improve upon the process the next time you tackle it. A life review works the same way.

Your life review is not just about kicking back with a bowl of popcorn and watching a movie of your life. It’s more in depth and intense. You get to see the impact you had on others, even though you weren’t aware of it while alive. You get to feel the happiness you instilled in others. You get to see people’s actions and reactions to you even when you weren’t physically present to see them. All the compassion and kindness you showed to others, and the ripple effect it caused, you get to see and feel.

You also get to feel the pain you inflicted on others so you understand how they felt by what you said or did. Notice I said “get to feel” because this is actually a gift. If you were physically abusive towards another human being, guess what? You get to feel what they felt when you were beating them to a pulp. If you were emotionally abusive to someone, guess what? You get to feel your self esteem get squashed and stepped on. No, it won’t be pleasant. This part of your life review is probably what most people refer to as Hell. You cause pain and suffering to someone in this life, and you get to feel and experience it yourself during your life review.

continue reading CLICK HERE

So yeah…

This is my last week of classes. Feels weird. I know I did my best and I’m going to do well. Hell, it was a very easy semester. I’m all about learning soo…..grad school has been good to me.

I gave my final presentation tonight during class and the whole class laughed at me and said I need to go out because I have too much time on my hands. ~smile~ They only made that comment because it seemed like I put wayyy too much effort into my power point presentation when the presentation was optional. Man, it only took me about 5 hours to do it, but it was creative and interactive so I know they enjoyed it. I enjoyed presenting it as well.

I made the presentation as if it was my own TV talk show and I had two couples (fake pictures of people) as my guests who were discussing their relationship issues. The second scenario that I posed came straight from one of my own friend’s life. She is a constant source of practice for me and my therapy techniques. Yes, I’m talking about Tamara.

You could call her…A therapist’s best friend.

Anyway…I had a simply fabulous day today. Nothing out of the norm happened, it’s just that I’m in such a great mood. I can see how certain people were removed from my life and others added and it feels good to trust that only the people who are like minded will stick around. I love that!

Tomorrow I’m picking up my boys for the entire weekend and I’m so krunk! We get to spend all the time together and we’ll probably go to the beach and hang out at Circuit City again.

I don’t know ya’ll. I’ve been seeing manifestations pop up left and right. It’s as though my life is on a train ride to SUCCESSVILLE and no one can tell but me.

Yes, I can see it. I’m so excited about my future. Hell, I’m excited about today because today my Mama shared her conch with me and it was soooo good!

The mangoes on the tree in the backyard are growing too. ~sigh~

I can’t wait to see the juicy fruit bloom…