Acknowledging Love

My life is a miracle.

I swear, I was watching The Color Purple when I wrote last night’s post. I caught it on the part when Miss Millie couldn’t get her car functioning so Sophia had to cut her visit to her family short.

I think it made me sad and pissed off.

I love that movie because Celie transformed her life after four decades of abuse. But did you realize what allowed her to finally stand up for herself? Do you remember the moment when she got her power back, the same power that she was born with but had been buried beneath years of criticism and shame?

It came at precisely the moment when she and Shug sat together on the bed after checking the mail, and read Nettie’s letter.

As she read aloud the words that released her worst fear and she learned that the only person who had ever loved her was in fact, alive, she was born again.

To me that says, it’s the absence of the knowledge that you are loved that causes you to believe you deserve the harsh words and foul treatment from people who really hate themselves and therefore can’t show anything but hatred.

It was the absence of the KNOWLEDGE of love…

Her sister was always there, loving her from afar, but it wasnt’t until she could recognize that love that she was able to find the strength to love herself and walk away from the abuse.

Acknowledging that love exists in your life is the first step in creating your best existence. You are the creator of your best existence simply because it is within your power to RECOGNIZE and appreciate the love that you already have.

If one person in your life loves you, many others will too. If you are trying to love someone and they won’t allow you to, or aren’t giving you the same love back, it is your choice to seek the love you desire and deserve. Or you can stay and continue to try to walk through the brick wall.

I’m still learning to ignore the specks in the beautiful painting that is my life and focus more on bold, grand strokes that make up the vibrant imagery.

As always, I’m still learning, still growing, still shaking off my past.

I’m a bad motor scooter…

And it won’t take ME decades to gain my power back!

Dealing With Boys & Overzealous Men

My life is a miracle.

Everytime I write that phrase it relaxes me.

It’s funny how I know all of these people and so many claim to love me yet…the only time I can relax and talk to with the greatest of ease is when I’m writing here.

I really need a massage. What I’m really saying is, I need a hug. A big hug of reassurance from someone strong, someone who I consider to be an authority figure, someone that loves me unconditionally.

I have no one like that in my life so I have to hug myself. LOL!

I’m laughing on the outside yet trembling on the inside because like Kia said back in Houston, “I’m tired of the strong Black woman making it on her own shit!”

Amen!

Yet, we do what we have to do.

Yesterday was a most interesting day. I have my boys this weekend. They are doing extremely well, can’t complain at all except for one little thing which I will address with their father.

They got their report cards and as usual, No C’s, A few B’s and mostly A’s. They even get A’s in conduct. Their little personalities are developing and I can see them for who they are and who they will become.

They show me so much love. My sons are very affectionate with me. My Mama says I shouldn’t “baby” them by giving them so many hugs and kisses but I don’t see the point in pushing a child away when all they want is affection.

In class I learned that when you push a child away or don’t respond to a baby’s cry, it teaches them not to trust the world. They then feel that they are alone and tend to not want to get close to anyone trusting that the person won’t be there for them.

For me it’s more cut and dry. I WISH I had someone to give me a hug. Maybe if I had been hugged more when I was a child, I wouldn’t have ran through all of those men in search of that loving embrace, which I never found. Maybe if I had hugs on a regular basis right now, I’d be less anxious.

Today we had a full day, starting with breakfast and then a long wait at the barber shop. My sons say the barber hurt their heads, grabbed their heads too tightly and sprayed liquid in their faces. I’m going back and forth on this one. My gut instinct says not to take them back to that barber because he could have a thing against children and I don’t want my children to ever think that their opinion is not important enough for me to take into consideration. On the other hand, they could be sensitive.

Naw…even as I write this, I’m getting this feeling that my gut is right. If they took the time to tell me this, (they are not complainers) I think I should listen.

Today I also received another shock while we were at the barber shop. My older son slapped his brother for talking too loudly. I repeatedly tell my sons that people will treat you the way they want to be treated or copy the way others treat them so this behavior was ouut of character considering that I don’t slap my sons and I know they don’t want to be slapped.

“Do I slap you?” I asked him.

“No,” he replied.

“Does your Daddy slap you?”

“No,” he replied.

“Well then who slaps you? Who treats you like that where you think it’s okay to do it to someone else?”

My son paused. “[Insert BBDD’s girlfriend’s name].

“WHAT? She slaps you?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Stay right here,” I said and walked a few feet away as my insides raged.

If this chick was legit, I’d call her up and talk to her about it but she has already shown me that she has no respect for my wishes so I have to talk to their Dad about it.

I’m going to leave that topic alone right now because don’t want this to become a venting session.

Today I met three men who just wouldn’t leave me alone. I met two of them while I was downtown reading my book, trying to soak in the information while my boys were at their acting class.

I gave them the friendly hello and a non committed smile, but that seemed to encourage them to pursue me so I’m going back to being a bitch. Men complain all the time that women are bitches and won’t even be cordial but when you give them the slightest sign of kindness, they take that shit as a sign that you want to engage them in conversation. Not true.

The third man I met was at my cousin’s birthday party. As soon as I walked in I saw him look at me with delight. At first I was polite because if he’s a friend of the family, he has to be cool but after my third time telling him that I wasn’t interested in dancing with him, I had to go tell my Mama and she went over and cursed him out.

That didn’t stop him. He still proceeded to follow me around the party asking me for my number. ~shakes head~ And you wonder why I run from men; they don’t take no for an answer.

At the party I took the time to go and chat with my male cousin and my uncle. They were talking about how mechanics will try to test you to see if they can take advantage of you. I interjected that I had encountered this problem myself and I wished that I knew more about car maintenance.

“You don’t know how to rotate your own tires or change your oil?” my cousin asked me.

“No,” I replied. “No one ever taught me.”

He laughed. “That’s because you’re weak.”

I was flabbergasted. “My not knowing how to do those things has nothing to do with being weak. Everyone has different experiences and just because you can do things that I can’t do, doesn’t mean your experiences are more important than mine,” I told him.

“She’s very intelligent,” my uncle said to my cousin. “But there are areas that she needs help in.”

“Ofcourse there are,” I said. “Everyone has them. I’m open to learning more and hearing your suggestions. I can learn something from everyone.”

“That’s the type of woman I need,” my cousin said. “A woman who is open to molding.”

“Molding?” I questioned and wrinled my nose. “Just because I say I’m open to listening to what you have to say doesnt mean that I’m going to do everything you say. I’ll listen but ultimately I make the best decisions for myself and I’m not afraid to say NO, when I don’t feel like it’s the right thing to do.”

See what I mean? Some men think that by giving them your attention, they have full reign over your life.

~sigh~

I swear, if I hadn’t invented Steve, I wouldn’t believe that there were good and loving men in the world. Writing about him gives me the blind faith I need to continue to stay hopeful about someday meeting someone who treats people the way that I do.

Wishes & Miracles

My life is a miracle.

My entire body is all tense right now. I’m thinking about my workload for the week and the fact that I have all this work to do but the rewards seem to be slow in coming.

I did get to see one of my articles published in the newspaper today. Since it’s in a special section they didn’t add it to the paper’s website but in three days (according to my contract) I can add it to my portfolio.

It’s a well structured story, I believe. It has all of the right elements and a nice tone and I’m actually proud of it although I wish I could have written more.

I dream of writing different types of articles. I want to write articles that tell stories instead of just reporting events, gathering quotes and all that.

~sigh~

Maybe one day.

I’ve come a long way, haven’t I? I used to daydream about seeing my by-line in print and I have had so many opportunities to enjoy that during the past two years.

Breaking into journalism as a freelancer has been a wild adventure but I’m getting the hang of it. I try to focus on the fact that I know I’ll grow from these humble beginnings and one day see the fruit of my labor.

I just dropped off my boys to their Dad’s house and I miss them already. We had a beautiful weekend. My favorite times with them are when we are cuddling and talking while laying in the bed. When we fall asleep and I hear them breathing, their legs sometimes thrown over mine, their warm bodies pressed against mine, I feel nothing but grateful to have given birth to these two earth angels.

I stare at their legs. I run my finger across their little noses. I sit back and smile in amazement because they exist because of me. They are the best part of me.

Their lives, my life, our lives really are miracles.

Dinner With Steve & The Fam

I was so nervous all morning as I searched through my closet for something to wear. This was only our second date after all and now I was going to meet his brother and his wife.

I chose a simple black dress with green accents on the collar and the quarter length sleeves paired with some strappy black flat sandals and a black hand purse.

Steve called at 5pm. “Hey you, are you almost ready?”

“No, not yet. You said 7.”

“Well, I’m here and you can come by to pick me up at anytime.”

I got dressed and drove over to the building where I picked him up the first time. He was standing there looking smart in a pair of pressed jeans and a crips white polo shirt.

“Do you want to drive?” I asked him.

“Sure, he said and hustled over to the drivers side, adjusting the mirrors and seat to fit his 6 foot frame.

“Tee,” he said as he looked over his shoulder into the backseat.

“Huh?”

“Never mind,” he said.

A few minutes later he pulled into a gas station and I glanced at him with a puzzled expression.

He didn’t say a word as he pulled up next to the gas pump, filled my tank with gas and then vacummed out my car, throwing away old water bottles and old napkins that were on the floor.

“Umm, thanks,” I said.

He patted my hand and grinned. “You DO need a maid!” he joked.

“Um, Where does your brother live?” I asked.

“He lives in Coral Gables.”

“Well, do you rent at the same hotel everytime you come? You stayed with him the first time I met you, but the second time you were at that building.”

“Oh, that’s my condo,” he informed me. “I usually rent it out but when we met it was being cleaned after my last tenants moved away. So now I stay there.”

“So you own it?”

“Uhh..yeah.”

“Do you own the brownstone in Brooklyn too?”

“Yeah. By the way, Rick moved out this weekend. You can come visit me anytime now.”

Wow.

“What is your brother’s wife like?” I ask him.

“Well, she’s a lot like my father’s ex-wife. The woman who raised us. She can be a bit cranky at times but she’s sweet once you get to know her.”

“What did you tell them about me?”

He looked over at me and laughed. “I told them that I met a woman that I like a lot and I wanted them to meet you.”

I didn’t know what to say so I changed the subject.

“What was it like being raised by someone other than your Mom? I know you and your Mom are still very close. Was there any tension between your Mom and StepMom?”

“Naw..Mom was cool about it. I mean, we were boys so she knew that it would be a good idea for us to be around our Dad. In case you’re wondering about your boys, don’t worry, they’ll never lose their love for you. We didn’t. We knew who our Mom was but Janice was nice too. We love them both.”

As we drove down I95 and off into South Miami we chatted about my classes and his latest adventures in New York.

“Oh, I have something for you,” he said and pulled a small satchel from the side door.

I hadn’t noticed it when I picked him up.

“What is it?”

“You have to guess.”

“Uhhh….”

He grabbed his cell phone from his waistband and dialed a number. The satchel vibrated.

What the?????

“Open it,” he told me.

“When I picked up the satchel and opened it, I laughed.

“You bought me a Blackberry?!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah, can’t have you around here without a cell phone, can I?”

“Thank you Steve! But um…” I reached into my purse and produced my cell phone.

“I got paid for a story yesterday and I turned my phone back on,” I informed him.

He laughed. “Well, I guess you have two phones then. Don’t worry about the bill, it’s a company phone.”

We rounded a corner and I sat back, enjoying the beautiful scenery. Coral Gables looks nothing like North Miami. The houses here all look like mansions compared to where I grew up. Whenever I get the chance to drive down south I like to fantasize about one day living in such a beautiful place.

“We’re here,” Steve announced as we pulled into a powder blue two story home with a magnificent circular driveway.

“Hey, I need your help,” I told him as I stepped out of the car.

“What’s going on?”

“Um..well, I’m a little nervous and when I get nervous I sweat a lot..um..down there. I’m so self concious about it so just tell me if you smell anything.”

He laughed and laughed. “Oh yeah, I remember that story. You’re crazy. You’re fine. Don’t worry.”

Steve pulled out his keys and opened the front door. Two little brown dogs jumped up and ran toward us, sniffing my feet and jumping up on Steve as we sat our packages down.

“What’s in the box?” Steve asked.

“Oh, it’s a chocolate cake.”

“Did you bake it?”

“No way. Publix did.”

“Ofcourse!”

Suddenly a dainty woman appeared. She looked about my age with a short black bob and a flower print dress with heels.

“Hello Steve,” she said and gave Steve a hug before turning to me. “And it’s nice to finally meet you Tee. I’m Brenda.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” I managed to squeak out. This lady was FIRE! She looked like a million bucks. Her bob was flawless and pressed just right. Even the toe ring she wore was stunning.

We followed her to the living room, which was cozy, yet splendid. The color scheme was all white, except for a few yellow daisies set in colorless vases on the end tables. The sofa was plush and inviting. I followed Steve’s cue and sat down beside him.

“Chill out,” he whispered. “It’s just my brother and his wife.”

“Mark!” Steve called out. “We’re here!”

“What’s up?” Mark said, seeming to appear out of nowhere.

I tried to hide my suprise at how handsome he was. He and Steve could have been twins, except he was a much more muscular version. Just two years older than Steve, Mark has made his living in banking and was now a vice-president of a mid-sized bank downtown.

His wife was a manager of a boutique on South Beach and she definitely looked the part.

Mark sat down and pulled out a magazine. I smiled as he turned to page 33.

“So you’ve read one of my latest stories?” I asked him.

“I sure did. When Steve told me that you were a writer I was impressed. I do a little writing myself, mostly poetry though, but I’ve never been published.

“It’s not that tough,” I told him. “Just choose a magazine that you like to read and send a poem in. When I worked for a magazine in Atlanta, we’d get poetry all the time and I’d choose the best pieces and publish them. It all depends on the editor and the seasonal features being produced.”

“Well, maybe I will. Would you like to read some of my writing?”

I gasped. “I sure would! Do you perform your pieces?”

Mark chuckled. “Oh no! I rarely even share them. But I guess I could read some for you after dinner.”

“Yay!” I squealed and everyone laughed. “I’ll perform one of mine too. We can play some games!”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Steve stifle a laugh.

“What you laughing at?” I asked him and pinched his arm.

“You. You’re always ready to perform.”

“Are you an actress?” Brenda asked me.

“Something like that. I guess. I can act, but I’m not interested in a career like that. I’m in graduate school, trying to see if I can hang in the academic world.”

“That’s right, Steve mentioned you’re going to be a therapist,” Brenda said as she smiled a wide grin.

“Yes, a Couples therapist. But really I hope to do research about communication issues and write books about relationships and stuff like that. I’ve just written an article about Dealing With Regret.”

“What was your advice?” Mark asked.

“Um, well I reminded the readers that we all have choices to make in life and no choice is the wrong choice. If we learn to trust ourselves to make the right decisions, even if things don’t go the way we envisioned them we’ll feel better knowing that every decision leads to our ultimate destinies. No decision should ever be regretted. No regrets!”

“You’re right!” Brenda remarked and then shocked me by asking. “Do you regret leaving your sons?”

I gasped and looked at Steve. He shook his head.

“Um…No. I figured it was the best thing to do at the time. And I didn’t leave them, their father asked for them,” I replied curtly.

“Well, I don’t have children but I couldn’t imagine leaving them at such a young age. Don’t you feel bad about that at all? I mean, they are your children after all. Every child needs a mother.”

I gulped as my blood began to boil. “They have a mother. I’m a part of their lives. I see them every week and we spend time together.”

“But still..I can’t imagine doing that because….”

Steve cut her off. “Brenda. Tee says she has no regrets. Leave it at that. She is just fine with her arrangement.”

“I’m sure she is,” Mark interjected. “Um..everybody, let’s go have dinner.”

Valentines Day With My Boys

Oy!

I must have caught a bug or something because I’ve been coughing and achy all week long. I did enjoy my Valentines Day. My boys and I had lunch at The Cheescake Factory and they gave me a card that read “I’m so glad I take after you..” That made me cry. I think they like to see my reaction when they give me a gift. I always cry and it’s always sincere. It’s so good to be thought of and appreciated.

When I cry, my boys just look at me with a weird expression and ask, “Why are you crying Mama?”

“Cuz I’m so happy,” I’ll reply between sniffles.

They shake their heads and then give me a hug.

My boys are so great! Once I took them to McDonald’s for breakfast and when I put our food down, they immediately started to help me by placing my straw in my orange juice cup and pouring the syrup over my pancakes for me. I was dumbfounded.

“You always take such good care of me!” I exclaimed.

“That’s because we love you Mama,” my older son said.

Sometimes I wonder whose kids these are. I never taught them to take care of a woman like that but even my 5 year old will talk about how he can’t wait to be married and take care of his wife. I can’t wait to see what good men they become.

Maybe there’s hope for the male gender after all…

Embracing Your Inner Guidance

My life is a miracle.

Today I submitted an essay to a website that gives advice and personal accounts to readers who are considering going to grad school. Although you know I love to share my testimonies, the featured essays get $50. ~smile~ Gotta love compensation, right?

So I wrote my essay about my first few weeks in grad school and when I was done I sat back in awe because…Damn…I can really see how this degree will help me in my career as a writer.

Think about it…my portfolio has stories from topics across the board. Although they are mostly related to Black people, there’s no real niche to my writing with the exception of the subtle undertones of inspiration.

When I get this degree, (and who know’s I may even keep going and get a PhD.) I’ll be somewhat of an expert on developing healthy relationships. I can focus my writing on that. Wouldn’t it be cool if I could offer beautiful love stories, relationship advice and inspiration all at the same time?

Wow.

Check this out…I can’t even remember when this idea came to me, but I think it was sometime while I was in undergrad. I got this idea for a book/biography of a well known celebrity but the book would require me to do a study on a particular pool of women, gather the results, analyze the data and offer advice on how to help create more healthy relationships for these women. At the time I had no idea how I could ever be qualified to write this book.

And look where I am right now…I’m actually in the position to develop the skills to make this book come to life.

Isn’t this wild?

I read this post on one of my favorite websites called Do You Want Guidance Or A Guarantee. It really blew my mind because it explained that when we ask God for guidance, He sends it, but it’s not in a big-picture type of way. Guidance simply means holding our hand and walking step by step with us toward our desired end.

Guidance from God isn’t a giant leap toward our destinies. It’s a step by step process that will involve many seemingly small pieces that make up the bigger picture.

You may pray and ask God to help you buy a house. You then feel an urge to contact an old friend that you got into a fight with years ago. But this has nothing to do with buying a house, right? Well, that friend could have a friend that is foreclosing and needs a quick buyer. You never know.

That’s guidance. It’s being obedient to the little urges that spring up in your spirit. Don’t ignore them, act on them, you never know how that one insignificant act could place you right where you need to be to embrace your blessing.

Although grad school has caused me some stress and distress, I can see the bigger picture now. I asked for this long ago. I envisioned it and got excited about it. In fact this book, in my mind, is the key to my successful future as a self help writer. I always referred to it as my secret weapon and I’ve told only a handful of friends about it.

It’s going to happen. And that’s because I didn’t ignore the little urgings that tapped my spirit. I left Dallas and my dream job. I applied to grad school and I am still hanging in there even though it’s been a rocky ride so far.

I do have guidance and I am listening. I already have the guarantee.

Ahhh….I feel great knowing that the guarantee comes with trusting God and the guidance comes with listening to your inner being and acting on what it tells you.

I am proud of myself because I know that I can listen to the divine spirit within and make sense of the twists and turns that come with being fully aligned with my true destiny.

No Pain and No Projects

Whoo!

Ain’t nothing like finishing an article and emailing it in…It’s the most joyful feeling knowing that you beat your deadline. ~sigh~

After I finished polishing up my story, I sat down to read some stories on The Experience Project and most of them were really sad.

It seems like people just wallow in the despair and can’t get up out of it, especially when it comes to unrequited love.

I’ve been there before. Probably plenty of times, but I’ll have to tell you I don’t remember what it FEELS like anymore. It doesn’t hurt me anymore. I’m sure it hurt back then, but obviously I got over it and now…I don’t even remember the love I had for that person or persons. Believe me, the pain you’re experiencing now as you grieve a lost relationship will be SOON forgotten. It happened to me.

I don’t even remember what it feels like to love someone. The memory escapes me. I’ve met quite a few men lately and during the first conversation I can usually tell if it’s someone that I want to deal with romantically or not. Usually NOT. And that’s okay with me. I never feel like I’m missing out on anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m making the decision too rashly, because once I’ve made up my mind about a man, I don’t give him a second chance. But then I think, “Nahhhh…. I’m still okay without him.”

I mean, sometimes I think about having companionship, especially when I hear the stories of my friends relationships, but it’s still like wishing to see a Unicorn. If you’ve never really seen one, you can’t be too dissappointed when it doesn’t show up.

~shrugs~

I made a big decision today. My classmate has the hook-up on public housing and she said she’d push my paperwork through to get a cheap place for me and my sons. When I reviewed the list of housing options I noticed that all of the options were in my old neighborhood AKA The Projects.

Ok, so I have the option of getting my boys back and having our own home. But then I remembered the promise that I made to myself; I will never allow my sons to live in the projects. Although I want them back with me right now, it makes no sense to downgrade their living experience just to satisfy my own personal desire.

Funny…I never thought I’d feel this way. If I can’t give them a good quality living experience right now, I’ll wait until I can. It has to come sooner than later.

One More Hit & Run

I know I said I wasn’t going to do it again.

But I did.

And I don’t feel bad about it.

Last night I laughed to myself as he walked me back to my car. My body felt airy, my face was shining and my chakras felt like they were all crystal clear.

I gave him a hug and he looked down at me and asked, “Are you really gonna stop talking to me after this?”

I gave him one last squeeze before opening my car door and then..driving away.

I deleted his name from my phone immediately and then relaxed on my ride home. He called and we chatted but I already knew that this would be the first and the last time for us.

One more one night stand. I think I’m the queen of the hit and run.

The crazy thing is, I don’t feel bad about it. But I feel like I should feel bad about it because society says I should be in a monogamous relationship by now. But I’m not. And I’m not even sure I want to be anymore.

If only I could get past this guilt about being abnormal in the sense that, I choose the men I want to do it with and we do it, and then I don’t want to talk to them anymore in life. And I’m fine with that. I don’t expect anything more.

I’m always safe. I haven’t been pregnant or on a pregnancy scare since I had my last Boo Boo. But when I listen to Tamara and she’s trying to tell me about the experience she has of being intimate with someone she cares about…I don’t understand it and I can’t relate…but in a way I want to know what she’s talking about…but in a way I don’t really care…but I kinda do…

For me, sex isn’t a necessity and it sure ain’t emotional or loving. Sex is fun sometimes. Like last night…Last night was pure fun. It was like taking some cold & cough medicine and waking up feeling FINE.

I’m still smiling. I’ll never forget him. Who am I kidding- yes I will.

But…Am I missing something?

I Make Myself Laugh

~sigh~

I just got off the phone with a classmate. She explained to me, in detail, how my paper is supposed to be organized. She even offered to meet with me before class tonight to show me one of her papers and look over mine. This is her last class before she goes into practicum, which means she’s going to start seeing clients. I’m so grateful that everyone is so helpful.

Angels do exist.

I really think I have writers block. I wish I could take this time to relax and focus on my school work but I’m not doing that. Everyday I wake up thinking about my next career move, I’m calling someone up to ask for their opinion on this career choice, I’m thinking about my kids and how I miss them, I’m thinking about how I’m going to make a home for us, I’m thinking about my editors and how my stories are being perceived, I’m thinking about my personal brand and how I’m not that good at making a good impression, especially with men that I don’t respect.

And most of all, I’m thinking about school and how everyone I know says they make straight A’s and I don’t even see that as a possibility because I can’t even write this damn paper. LOL! I make me laugh!

Oh Lord, maybe if just ONE aspect of my life was secured, I wouldn’t have so many other things to think about and I could focus all of my nervous energy on school, but since nothing is the way I want it to be, I’m constantly trying to come up with ways to push my life in order…and honestly, most of them are not things I’d really want to do.

“Just put something down on paper,” my advisor told me last week. “Start with that. Write something down and turn it in. We’ll work on it from there.”

Ok, I’ll do that. But besides that I have to take the MAT next month, two classes at MDC, the certification test for teachers and I don’t want to completely let go of writing articles because I need that money and I want to continue being a journalist.

You know what’s funny? I haven’t checked my stats over at Embrace Your Fantasy because I haven’t written on it in a while due to so many other pressing issues but…every single day I get a new subscriber. People are signing up for updates and I don’t even know where the traffic is coming from. I really want to continue writing for that. It helped to put me in a good mood and I loved the positive feedback.

Damn I wish I was a stay at home Mom!

Then I could work on websites all day and study, pick the kids up and hang with them, put them to bed and write some more.

I’m a lot less anxious than it seems. After all, I did get some the other day and…that was relaxing. ~smile~ I won’t have to date again for another 4 months or so…. The process of choosing someone to share myself with is annoying. But in the end, I’m happy and relaxed. I don’t hurt these men. Before I engage them, I make sure to find out if they want the same thing I do.

Ahhh…Writing it all out, releases the tension and makes me laugh. I’m gonna get there…wherever THERE is…LOL!

If I Were My Therapist

Tonight’s class came to an interesting plateau as we discussed the qualities of a solution-focused therapist.

When you think of going to therapy, you think of figuring out WHY something is happening. Just think about dealing with your friends’ problems, for the most part, the conversation is geared toward WHY someone else is behaving in a certain way. But think about it…once you figure out WHY, it still doesn’t help the issue, does it?

No. It doesn’t.

So in solution-focused therapy it teaches us not to focus on WHY the problem exists. Instead we focus on what we want to happen and how can we get from here to there.

Let’s try this out on me. If I were my therapist this is what I would say to myself…..

My issue:
Habitual one night stands

Why is this a problem?
I’m afraid that this has become a habit and if I ever meet someone that I really like, I may not know how to snap out of it and embrace him.

What do I want to happen?
I’d like to have a consistent sexual partner that I trust and respect and am friends with which could lead to more..or not. I don’t know.

What’s stopping me from having that?
My belief that men are only good for secks.

When have I ever noticed that men have contributed to my life in a positive way other than sexually?
Um…My children’s father takes good care of my children. I have guy friends who love me. Um…I don’t know.

Can I think of a situation where a man did something completely for me, just to make me happy wanting nothing in return?
Reggie. A few years ago Reggie bought me a pair of hair clippers so that I could cut my sons hair because I couldn’t afford it. Last year Michael bought me some candy for Valentines Day.

How did those acts make me feel?
I was delighted. But I also felt like they felt sorry for me or something because I’m not romantically involved with either of them so I don’t know why they did that.

Why would anyone need a reason to be nice to me?
~blank stare~

Do I believe that I deserve to have nice things done for me?
~blank stare~

Would I accept it if a man offered to do something nice for me?
Hell yeah! But I’d be suspicious.

Do I do nice things for other people?
Yes, I do. Whenever I can.

Why do I do them?
Because I feel like everyone deserves to be treated special sometimes. And if I meet someone who doesn’t have anyone to treat them special, I try to do that for them.

And how do I feel when someone tries to do something special for me?
That’s rare. But when it does happen, I tend to think they feel sorry for me.

What is there to feel sorry about?
I’m not the most successful person I know. And I’m not in an ideal situation in any area of my life. Most of the areas of my life I’m struggling to push through and I have no made any progress yet.

So, I’m not satisfied with myself in any area of my life and I’m feeling kind of down about it, right?
Yes.

How do I think the men I meet will perceive me once they hear about my life circumstances?
I think they’d be dissappointed. I attract lots of men, but they won’t admire me as much once they see that my life is not together in any area.

Do I think that pushing them away will take away some of the pressure of them finding out who I really am and then becoming dissappointed?
Yes. I think so.

Is there any part of my life that I am proud of right now?
No.

Well, you’ve sat down and had this conversation so obviously you’re fighting for a positive change? How did you get the strength to do that? What is it about you that makes you think you can change this behavior?
I want to stop doing that- the one night stands. Mostly because I want to be able to write about how I got over it and share the answer with others and I want my story to have a happy ending. All stories have happy endings right? A biography isn’t inspiring without it. What makes me think I can change this behavior? Well, I’ve changed other behaviors in the past and I can do it again. I just need to figure out how.

Do I ever think about having a positive experience because I deserve it and not just because it will help me to encourage others?
I don’t feel like my life is for me. I feel like my experiences and my gift of writing are for others to learn from and grow. I asked God to use me and I feel like He has so far. I just want to have a happy ending so everyone will know they can too.

What can I do to have a more positive experience with men?
I don’t know. Maybe expect more positive experiences.

Anything else?
I don’t know. You’re the therapist. Shouldn’t you be giving ME some answers?! Dang!

The next time I meet a man and I’m attracted to him what am I going to do, differently?
Not have secks???

So I’m willing to go from one night stands to abstinence? Will that solve the problem?
No. It won’t. Cuz eventually I’m going to do it again.

Would it be possible for me to wait until I meet a man who I trusted before I had secks with him?
No, that’s not possible. If I waited on that, I’d never have secks.

Would it be possible that I’m afraid of rejection so I reject them first?
Yeah.

WHat if I said that I can have secks with anyone I want to and not have to worry about whether or not he approved of my lifestyle?
Huh?

Seriously. Consider this. If I’m looking for sexual pleasure then what does my job status or past have to do with an orgasm?
Wha?????

Come on…when I’m in there doing the grind and it’s good and my toes are curling and I’m sweating and he’s smacking that ass and calling me Samantha, do I think about my next paycheck?
Hell no!

Well, if I’m not into secks for the sake of an emotional romantic relationship, then all that’s left is the gratification from secks. Sooo…why are all of these external factors blocking me from enjoying a consistent partner? One has nothing to do with the other. If I want secks, I find someone who is willing to give it to me, why would I have to walk away, especially if it’s good?
Uhhh…..

Or could it be that I believe that they will only want me for secks, yet I want more but I don’t believe I can have it so I take what I can get and I run away? Is that possible?
Umm..WHat time is it?

Could it be that I really do want a relationship but I’m afraid that this is all I’m good for?
I think it’s time for me to go.

Could I give you some homework until our next session?
Sure.

Ask 3 of my friends to give me a list of 3 things they admire about me. Then I have to come up with 3 qualities that I have that I like about myself. Keep a journal of the times when I demonstrate these qualities. Every night before bed, go down the list as I review my day and then write about the times when I found myself being or doing something admirable. By the next session, we’ll discuss the list. In the meantime, if I decide to have secks, make sure I don’t call the man back the next day.
Don’t call him?

No. But write down in my journal, 3 things he did to make me feel good. And then write down 3 things I did to make him feel good. Not just physically, emotionally too. We’ll discuss that in our next session as well.

to be continued….