Tonight’s class came to an interesting plateau as we discussed the qualities of a solution-focused therapist.
When you think of going to therapy, you think of figuring out WHY something is happening. Just think about dealing with your friends’ problems, for the most part, the conversation is geared toward WHY someone else is behaving in a certain way. But think about it…once you figure out WHY, it still doesn’t help the issue, does it?
No. It doesn’t.
So in solution-focused therapy it teaches us not to focus on WHY the problem exists. Instead we focus on what we want to happen and how can we get from here to there.
Let’s try this out on me. If I were my therapist this is what I would say to myself…..
My issue:
Habitual one night stands
Why is this a problem?
I’m afraid that this has become a habit and if I ever meet someone that I really like, I may not know how to snap out of it and embrace him.
What do I want to happen?
I’d like to have a consistent sexual partner that I trust and respect and am friends with which could lead to more..or not. I don’t know.
What’s stopping me from having that?
My belief that men are only good for secks.
When have I ever noticed that men have contributed to my life in a positive way other than sexually?
Um…My children’s father takes good care of my children. I have guy friends who love me. Um…I don’t know.
Can I think of a situation where a man did something completely for me, just to make me happy wanting nothing in return?
Reggie. A few years ago Reggie bought me a pair of hair clippers so that I could cut my sons hair because I couldn’t afford it. Last year Michael bought me some candy for Valentines Day.
How did those acts make me feel?
I was delighted. But I also felt like they felt sorry for me or something because I’m not romantically involved with either of them so I don’t know why they did that.
Why would anyone need a reason to be nice to me?
~blank stare~
Do I believe that I deserve to have nice things done for me?
~blank stare~
Would I accept it if a man offered to do something nice for me?
Hell yeah! But I’d be suspicious.
Do I do nice things for other people?
Yes, I do. Whenever I can.
Why do I do them?
Because I feel like everyone deserves to be treated special sometimes. And if I meet someone who doesn’t have anyone to treat them special, I try to do that for them.
And how do I feel when someone tries to do something special for me?
That’s rare. But when it does happen, I tend to think they feel sorry for me.
What is there to feel sorry about?
I’m not the most successful person I know. And I’m not in an ideal situation in any area of my life. Most of the areas of my life I’m struggling to push through and I have no made any progress yet.
So, I’m not satisfied with myself in any area of my life and I’m feeling kind of down about it, right?
Yes.
How do I think the men I meet will perceive me once they hear about my life circumstances?
I think they’d be dissappointed. I attract lots of men, but they won’t admire me as much once they see that my life is not together in any area.
Do I think that pushing them away will take away some of the pressure of them finding out who I really am and then becoming dissappointed?
Yes. I think so.
Is there any part of my life that I am proud of right now?
No.
Well, you’ve sat down and had this conversation so obviously you’re fighting for a positive change? How did you get the strength to do that? What is it about you that makes you think you can change this behavior?
I want to stop doing that- the one night stands. Mostly because I want to be able to write about how I got over it and share the answer with others and I want my story to have a happy ending. All stories have happy endings right? A biography isn’t inspiring without it. What makes me think I can change this behavior? Well, I’ve changed other behaviors in the past and I can do it again. I just need to figure out how.
Do I ever think about having a positive experience because I deserve it and not just because it will help me to encourage others?
I don’t feel like my life is for me. I feel like my experiences and my gift of writing are for others to learn from and grow. I asked God to use me and I feel like He has so far. I just want to have a happy ending so everyone will know they can too.
What can I do to have a more positive experience with men?
I don’t know. Maybe expect more positive experiences.
Anything else?
I don’t know. You’re the therapist. Shouldn’t you be giving ME some answers?! Dang!
The next time I meet a man and I’m attracted to him what am I going to do, differently?
Not have secks???
So I’m willing to go from one night stands to abstinence? Will that solve the problem?
No. It won’t. Cuz eventually I’m going to do it again.
Would it be possible for me to wait until I meet a man who I trusted before I had secks with him?
No, that’s not possible. If I waited on that, I’d never have secks.
Would it be possible that I’m afraid of rejection so I reject them first?
Yeah.
WHat if I said that I can have secks with anyone I want to and not have to worry about whether or not he approved of my lifestyle?
Huh?
Seriously. Consider this. If I’m looking for sexual pleasure then what does my job status or past have to do with an orgasm?
Wha?????
Come on…when I’m in there doing the grind and it’s good and my toes are curling and I’m sweating and he’s smacking that ass and calling me Samantha, do I think about my next paycheck?
Hell no!
Well, if I’m not into secks for the sake of an emotional romantic relationship, then all that’s left is the gratification from secks. Sooo…why are all of these external factors blocking me from enjoying a consistent partner? One has nothing to do with the other. If I want secks, I find someone who is willing to give it to me, why would I have to walk away, especially if it’s good?
Uhhh…..
Or could it be that I believe that they will only want me for secks, yet I want more but I don’t believe I can have it so I take what I can get and I run away? Is that possible?
Umm..WHat time is it?
Could it be that I really do want a relationship but I’m afraid that this is all I’m good for?
I think it’s time for me to go.
Could I give you some homework until our next session?
Sure.
Ask 3 of my friends to give me a list of 3 things they admire about me. Then I have to come up with 3 qualities that I have that I like about myself. Keep a journal of the times when I demonstrate these qualities. Every night before bed, go down the list as I review my day and then write about the times when I found myself being or doing something admirable. By the next session, we’ll discuss the list. In the meantime, if I decide to have secks, make sure I don’t call the man back the next day.
Don’t call him?
No. But write down in my journal, 3 things he did to make me feel good. And then write down 3 things I did to make him feel good. Not just physically, emotionally too. We’ll discuss that in our next session as well.
to be continued….