Month: February 2008

I got it!

I finally figured it out. This research paper didn’t get the best of me. I finished it tonight. And I enjoyed it. All I did was relax and then..I told the story of what I learned and what researchers I learned it from.

That’s it.

I didn’t get any sleep last night worrying about finishing this paper. The last time I noticed the time it was 6:30am. I guess I fell asleep after that. When I woke up I was feeling so drained. I went to campus anyway and headed for the library to speak to the librarian who was so sweet and so patient with me as she taught me, once again, to use the search engines for journals.

On my way to the computer lab I saw a big truck with a sign that read: HIV Test Results in 20 minutes. I knocked on the door and stepped inside. 20 minutes later I walked out with a big bag of condoms and my paperwork to add to the other paperwork from previous years that proves I don’t have the virus that causes AIDS.

You ever asked a man to show you his paperwork? I have. They don’t mind giving it to you. At least none that I’ve encountered. I’ve taken HIV tests with about 3 0r 4 different men over the last 10 years, regardless of whether we are having unprotected secks or not. If they don’t have their paperwork, I suggest we get tested together. If they don’t want to get tested, I’ll stop doing it with them. They always get tested after I tell them that.

I also went to see my new therapist today. Don’t laugh. I changed because I wasn’t too comfortable with the other one. The new therapist is a man, a white man at that and he’s pretty young. He’s personable and methodic. He took me through my assessment with ease and then set goals for our sessions, informing me that he will teach me techniques for relaxing and dealing with anxiety as well as work through the fears I have of men.

He asked me about my relationships with men and I told him about my one night stand policy. He asked about the last time I did this and I told him about this past weekend. As I was talking he looked at me funny and I paused.

“You’re telling me that you are never going to speak to him again,” he said. “But at the same time, ever since we brought him up you’ve been smiling from ear to ear. Why is that?”

I laughed. “Cuz he was sooooo good! He knew what he was doing and I’m still floating off of that experience.”

“Why won’t you see him again?”

“Cuz I know he’s not what I want.”

“How?”

“Because we went to lunch and this guy walks by and he actually laughed at the man’s pants. I don’t like that. I don’t think making fun of people is fun at all. Who cares what someone else wears? How does that affect me or him? And…I figure if he criticizes others then eventually he’ll get around to criticizing me and I’m not going to let that happen.”

“Well, would you consider that sometimes people do things outside of their character every once in a while? I mean…some people who don’t usually curse may just say a curse word and if you heard them would you think they did it all the time?”

“Huh?”

“Sometimes you have to wait and get the whole picture. What if that was just a one time thing for him and you dismissed him for no reason?”

“Wow. Never considered that.”

“Do you date other men?”

“No, but I do have an imaginary boyfriend,” I told him.

I’m sorry—I LOVE telling people that just to see their reaction!

“You do? Ummm..When did he come into the picture and why?”

“We met this year. All of my friends are in romantic relationships and I’m the only one that’s not so I made him up. It’s been fun too! We do lots of things together.”

“But do you think you’ll actually meet a man like that?”

“I could.”

“But how? He’s perfect. No one’s perfect.”

“Oh Steve is NOT perfect. He has flaws. I’m not sure what they are yet but I’ll think of some and I’ll have to figure out if or how I’ll deal with them.”

“Well, how about if you hear him criticize someone? Would you break up with him even though he has lots of other great qualities?”

“No. I don’t think so. I’d tell him to not to do it again though.”

I left his office wearing a smile. I bet that man thinks I’m nuts! LOL!

I’m taking notes of how he is treating me. I like the way he greets me with a smile and his eyes smile when he speaks to me. The other lady was grumpy. I’ll remember when I have my own clients, I should always greet them with love. He made me take a written assessment of my emotions and he says I’ll take more as time goes on to gauge my progress. I like that.

Tamara called me to check up on my progress with my paper and I told her that I was all done and the topic of Gender Identity Disorder wasn’t so disgusting to me anymore.

“Now I can see why there are cross dressers and transsexuals. I used to think it was sick and perverted and demonic but now I don’t. They are people who feel like they are trapped in a body that they don’t belong in.”

Tamara was soooo not feeling me. She has always had a hang up about homosexuals. She even told me once that if I turned out to be a lesbian we couldn’t be friends anymore. Now she says, we could still be friends but she wouldn’t want to hear about my relationship.

“So you’re telling me that if after all this time and heartache i found someone that truly loved me and cared about me, you wouldn’t want to know?”

“I’d want to know if you’re okay and if everything was going fine but I wouldn’t want the details. I just hate picturing that Tee. I’m not okay with that.”

Well I wasn’t okay with it either, until I took this class. I don’t believe I have a right to tell someone how they should live their life. That’s between them and the God they serve. I’m not in a position to judge.

My guyfriend called me today asking me about the guy from last weekend. I told him that I hadn’t spoken to him on purpose but that I kinda regretted deleting his number because we had fun together.

My guyfriend then told me, “Tee. I like you. I try to tell you that all the time but I know you don’t feel the same way. I…I love you. I’d do anything for you. How about we could get a place together and just pretend we’re married or something?”

“How about you get a bigger place and I’ll just come to visit?” I said.

Sad.

So sad.

The ones who love you are never the ones you really want.

I’m going to slow down on talking to him. I don’t want to get his hopes up.

My life is a miracle.

I had a great time last night. I was feeling antsy so I was excited when I received an invitation to meet up at a club. I got dressed and went over there and danced and danced. Ahh…I needed that.

On the real, there’s something therapeutic about being on the dance floor. The DJ is playing all your favorites from highschool, the crowd is just pumping and enjoying themselves. Nobody’s stressing, nobody’s tripping out; everyone is just…letting loose and having fun.

On my way out to the car a man stopped me and asked, “Is your name Tee?”

I looked at him but didn’t recognize him so I said, “Yes. Who are you?”

“I’m Curtis S. We went to middle school together.”

We both smiled and hugged each other and sat down to catch up before hitting the dance floor. Turns out he had been married for 10 years and is recently divorced with 4 children. Wow. I remembered him from back in the day. Back then he was just super quiet old Curtis with the braces. He was in the art program while I was in the creative writing program but we had mutual friends and he was always nice to me.

He told me that he was headed to Ft. Lauderdale to hit a spot on Las Olas and invited me to join him. I was game so I followed him to his house and parked my car and we rode up there together.

I learned that he is now in school and majoring in psychology so we had a nice chat about what we’re both learning. He was even interested to hear about the different types of therapy that I’m learning about.

“So, what were you doing in there?” he asked referring to the club and the guy he saw me with.

“Oh, just having a drink. Nothing big.”

“Are you with him?”

“No. I’ve been exploring my options a bit, I guess. You know..”

“What are you looking for?”

“Companionship I guess.”

“That’s what I’m looking for too. Someone to hang with and do things with. No drama, just phone calls and quality time.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, look…we seem to be looking for the same thing so we can just cut out the middle man and do this together.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah. We know each other already. We come from the same place. If you’re as attracted to me as I am to you, then we don’t have to look any further.”

“Ummm…Well…Let’s see how tonight goes and we can talk later,” I told him.

“Cool, the only thing is, I hope you’re not the jealous type when we go out. Women try to talk to me and I do have fun…”

I laughed. “Definitely not the jealous type,” I assured him. “Do your thang. Have fun.”

When we reached Ft. Lauderdale and found a parking garage we walked down the street and I was able to have my first glimpse of this street called Las Olas where everyone goes to party. It was just as crowded as South Beach but the people weren’t as glamorous. There weren’t any “pay to get in” type clubs. There were just a whole bunch of bars with a club type atmosphere.

As we walked toward the club where he was meeting some of his friends, I had to ask him to slow down his pace. That’s kind of why I don’t like being with tall men, they walk so fast and my little legs can’t keep up. I often feel like I’m running after them.

When we got to the spot we went in and met his friends and I stood to the side, nursing a Long Island Iced Tea and watching everyone dance as Curtis dissappeared into the crowd. Before I could blink I spotted this really handsome guy eyeing me. He was simply beautiful but I couldn’t place which country his facial features came from.

He walked over to me and introduced himself. “Are you Dominican?” I asked him.

“No, I’m from Trinidad and you?”

“I’m from the hood,” I laughed.

We made small talk for a little while but I could hardly hear him over the music. He asked me to dance but I declined and he went on to the dance floor.

Not even a minute later, a man standing near me came over and introduced himself. “Was that your dude?” he asked.

“No. Some guy.”

“Well, his shirt was so tight, if he sneezes it’ll pop!”

I laughed at his joke and he chatted me up for a while telling me that he’s Jamaican and 22 and lives in Opa Locka. This dude didn’t ask me to dance, he pulled me onto the dance floor and I laughed as he started doing some kind of crazy ass bird thing.

My phone rang and I walked outside to answer it. On the way to the club, Curtis called another one of our old middle school classmates Kim G. and invited her to join us so I waited for her to show up and enjoyed being outside in the warm night air.

When I saw her I tripped out. She looked exactly the same as she did when we were 12 except with a more curvaceous figure. We hugged and she followed me inside as we giggled about being almost 30 and being grown amd her being a corrections officer.

I spotted Curtis on the dance floor dancing with two women and I walked up to him and pulled him away. He shook his head at me and laughed, hugged Kim and went back to dance with the ladies.

I hit the dance floor once again but this time I sense something crazy about to happen. I’m twirling by myself when I see Curtis walking toward me. I also see the Trinidad guy walking toward me and the Jamaican guy walking toward me too.

Oh shit…I remember the last time this happened. I was a freshman in college and I was at a club and the DJ switched it up to a slow jam. As I stood by myself I saw two men approaching me from opposite directions and I froze. One of them was cute as hell, the other was my friend’s big brother visiting from Miami. I shrugged and said to myself, “Whoever gets here first…”

The cute guy got to me first and extended his hand for me to join him. The other guy was so upset that he began cursing at me and calling me all types of bitches and hoes. Yeah…DRAMA!

This time I froze again and the Jamaican guy made it to me first so I danced with him for one song and then went over to sit down on the floor speakers.

There was a couple sitting there already but i didn’t care, i squeezed in and kinda pushed them over a little. They smiled at me as the chick continued to grind on her boyfriend’s lap. He looked like he was Haitian. He was tall and slim and well dressed. She was very thin too, dark skinned with really long hair and a FIRE ass handbag!

“I’m not trying to join ya’ll,” I joked and scooted away from them when I noticed they were looking at me. To my surprise he whispered in my ear, “Why not? We’re game.”

I laughed and looked away but I could sense that they were both still checking me out. He whispered something to her and she whispered something back and he moved closer to me and said, “You like Slim?” referring to his girl.

Ahhhh…I was dieing laughing on the inside. “She’s nice. You’re lucky,” I said, playing it cool.

“We’d be even luckier if you’d come home with us tonight,” he replied.

My eyes got wide and I looked at the chick who was still dancing on his lap. She smiled at me and looked away.

“See those girls right there,” the guy continued to engage me in conversation. I looked over to where he was motioning and noticed the girls.

“They’re nice right?” he asked.

I wrinkled my nose. “Not as nice as the one you got.”

My old classmate Kim came over and asked, “Girl, what is going on?”

I laughed. “This couple wants to play tonight…”

She laughed and shook her head. “Tell them no because you’re already here with us,” she said.

By this time it was getting late so we decided to leave. We all drove back to Curtis’ house and he gave us a tour and introduced us to his brother and his friends who were playing poker. We sat in his room and reminisced about our pre-teens and gave updates on the people from middle school that we still kept in contact with.

I didn’t even notice Curtis had slipped away as Kim and I talked. “Where’s Curtis?” I asked Kim.

“Oh he said he had to make a run.”

“Ughh.. how rude. I’m leaving,” I announced.

“Are you okay to drive?” she asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I only had one drink. I’m cool.”

As I drove home I couldn’t stop smiling. Everytime I go out and have a good time, I feel so lucky to be living here.. For real, most people who visit here say that they couldn’t live here all the time and I feel them…Miami is a bit much if you’re not from here.

But since I was born and raised in the county of Dade, it’s like magic to me. It really is a beautiful place with such a wonderful mixture of cultures. If only I could speak Spanish fluently, I’d probably be able to land a job to enable me to pay these high ass prices for rent…

Another thing that amazed me about tonight was getting that offer for a 3some. I can’t say it was my first offer. For some reason, people approach me like that quite often. Sometimes it’s strangers. Sometimes it’s acquaintances who want to try something new.

At first it confused me because I thought, “Damn, do I look like the resident slut? Why do these people feel like I’m not gonna be offended when they ask me to do that?”

One of my friends told me that I’m just…non judgemental so people don’t worry about me looking at them funny and they know they can be themselves.

One of my guyfriends said, “You should take it as a compliment. There aren’t too many people who get proposals like that. You’re just hella sexy.”

Blahh…..

Too damn sexy for my own good.

My life is a miracle.

I just got home from Human Growth & Development class. We’re studying the physiological and psychological development of humans from conception to death. Right now we’re up to adolescence so tonight’s class was filled with personal stories from everyone about things like peer pressure, fighting in school and getting your period.

I’ve never really had a fight in school, I was way too scared to do it. Once in 4th grade, these girls were trying to lure me into the bathroom to fight me. They were the new girls in school and since I had been the head honcho from 2nd and 3rd grades they had to beat me up to prove they were now running things.

Guess what I did?

I ran my ass straight home! I wasn’t about to fight them! They were wayy bigger than I was and mean looking and rowdy. I let them take over the class and I assumed my role as the teachers pet.

Also in 4th grade I was on the playground near the monkey bars when my supposed “bestfriend” yelled out my telephone number in front of all the boys. I was scared as hell! If any boys called my house, I KNEW I would get into trouble. I walked up to Yolanda and punched her in the face. She started crying. That was my only fight.

In 6th grade one of my closest friends Meka got mad at me for some reason. She walked up to me, pounded her fist and mouthed the words THREE O’CLOCK. Meka was like 5’5″ at that time and I was barely 4 1/2 feet tall.

AFter school she was waiting for me and she walked up to me. “Meka,” I said calmly. “Look how little I am. We can’t fight. It won’t be fair. We’re supposed to be friends.” She calmed down and said, “You’re right. I’m mad at you though.” We walked home together and had frozen cups.

The next time I almost got into a fight was in middle school. I had a “serious” boyfriend for about 6 weeks and he broke up with me to go with this really mannish chick. I was hurt but I got over it. But for some reason, the chick started to hate me. I never said anything to her at all and I didn’t know what was going on when she sent her friend to tell me that she would be waiting for me after school.

Shit! I was in a panic. Before the school bell rang I spotted my friend Jann. Jann was tough, equally as mannish and tall as hell. I explained the situation and Jann said, “Let’s go.”

We walked out of the school together and I saw the mean girls looking at me. Jann grimaced and yelled out, “Ain’t NOBODY FUCKING WITH TEE TODAY!” She walked me all the way home too. They never bothered with me after that.

Whew!

Man…I had an interesting conversation with Tamara last night. I mentioned it to my therapist when I saw him today.

“I met a man last weekend,” I told him. “But he’s really young and doesn’t have his life together yet but he treats me so good and really makes me smile. When I told my bestfriend about it she said ‘Tee, you shouldn’t judge people by what they have, you should judge them by their heart.'”

When she said that I was blowed. Wait…you mean I shouldn’t decide which men I love by their resume and credentials? If that’s so..then…

“Yeah Tee,” Tamara said. “Maybe that’s why you’re so hard on yourself. You’re judging yourself by what you HAVE rather than the kind of person you are.”

That statement made me pause and I felt as though the lights came on…

If I don’t judge myself by what I have or by where I think I should be professionally then…Damn…I’m a really good person.

A really good person.

A really great person.

We talked about my Catch 22 of my promise to my sons that I would have a home for them and knowing that right now, it’s best for them to be with their dad. My therapist led me to realize that I’m building my worth by the quickness in which I accomplish my goals. He also made a statement that made me cry.

“You’re judging yourself as worthless because you don’t have your sons with you.”

Damn…Damn…Damn…

My therapist ended our session by giving me some homework. I am supposed to write a paragraph about why I am so great. Nothing in the paragraph should be related to any outside achievements.

On the subject of my anxiety I learned that, I become anxious when I’m meeting people because I’m afraid they will ask me about myself and I’m ashamed of my circumstances so I feel that I don’t have anything good to say about myself.

We talked about ways that I can manage my schoolwork and have more income but none of them seem appealing to me. I’m in a tough spot because all I can see is me getting a full-time job so that I can afford the high ass rent here. But then I’d have to give up my career as a journalist so that I can focus on school, Especially if I want to have my sons with me. But I need to keep my journalism up to speed because my plan is to use this degree I’m earning to add value to my writing and I want to stay connected to the field.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m also supposed to practice these breathing excercises he taught me.

“What does this have to do with my anxiety?” I asked him.

“Once you learn how to do this breathing technique, when you find yourself anxious you can do it. It’s physically impossible to be anxious and do this breathing. The excercise will override the anxiety.”

On the way back to my car I rode the campus trolley and chatted with the driver. He had me cracking up talking about how this campus should be painted with a big giant rainbow because “there are so many of us here.”

Us? Ohhh..he means gays. I laughed and laughed. He thinks I’m gay…

I’m over that. I know I’m not gay but it’s cool to be accepted by both sexual orientations. I guess that makes me more…versatile.

I’m proud of myself because I’m learning so much valuable information about who I am and I am not afraid to dig deep and cleanse my spirit.

My life is a miracle.

And I guess others think so too.

I mentioned a while back that during one of my most frustrating days I decided to curb my frustration and manifest something. I asked God for a creative opportunity to come to me quickly and easily.

By that afternoon I checked my email and found that someone from our city’s newspaper had invited me to apply for a position as a blogger on the newspaper’s new parenting website.

I never applied for this position or knew it existed. I still don’t know how they found my blog either. The editor wrote that she loved my writing style and would be hiring 10 people to be the featured bloggers in this new community. All I had to do was provide a brief bio of my family situation and a couple of writing samples and I would be considered for one of the positions.

I’ll admit, I hesitated at first because my parenting role in not traditional and I’m not too proud of being a non custodial parent. I also didn’t want to have to blog about the drama between my children’s father and I and of course his [delete adjective] girlfriend. I didn’t want to blog about drama and struggle and yearning for more. And..this isn’t an anonymous blog. I’d have to use my pen name and my real picture. Yikes!

But I decided to apply anyway and I sent in the requested items asking God to please give me more success stories to write about.

Today I received my audio books in the mail. I ordered Ask & It Is Given by Jerry & Esther Hicks and started listening right away. Most of the things in that book I had already heard before because I study their work intensely but it was a nice reminder and having it being spoken out loud for me as I relaxed was a very soothing touch.

I fell asleep and as soon as I woke up my phone rang. It was the editor of the parenting website asking me if I had recieved the invitation to become one of their featured bloggers.

I hadn’t. So she forwarded me the information again and we arranged a time to stop by her office for training and a photo.

The pay is barely enough to cover my phone bill but I consider this to be a ‘sign of land’. You know, when you pray for something and then a small bit of it appears, letting you know that God heard you and He’s on His way. I picture these small blessings as the wind that precedes His walk toward me.

I am grateful for the opportunity to share my story with an even larger audience and maybe..just maybe this is a sign that things are about to become a whole lot better.