Month: August 2007

I’m still blowed, perplexed and uncomfortable about my recent revelation.

I can’t even STOP the endless thoughts of the train of opportunities that I messed up. My heart aches.

But just like I had to learn other hard lessons in my life, I had to learn this one too and I’ll use it as an opportunity to be better next time.

I can’t go backward. I can only move forward and really focus on my given path, understanding that God allows for mistakes to be made and once we’ve learned the lesson, we can still move forward.

I pray for an opportunity to show my growth. I pray for an opportunity to make those bad decisions I’ve made in the past, right again.

I’ve decided to use my new lesson in all areas of my life. Especially with relationships.

In the past, once someone made me upset or showed me a part of their character that I didn’t find appealing, I’d slink away, never to be seen again. Someone once mentioned to me the warning, “don’t burn your bridges” but I didn’t understand what that meant. But now I do.

Before I walk away or correct someone harshly, I’m going to stop and think, “What does this relationship mean to me? How can I make the best of this situation while still holding on to my dignity?”

Ohhh..My heart hurts but I know I’ll grow past this.

I am not a lost cause…I am just…learning and growing. I will learn to channel my emotions into my creative work and leave them OUT of business decisions.

Forgive me.

To: My Future Self, August 20, 2008

Hey Girl!

Don’t freak out, it’s just me, checking in on you. I can’t imagine where you are right now. You’re 29. Whoa! Getting close to 30 dawg…It’s alright, I’m sure you still look good. You spent your entire 27th year traveling from city to city in search of an opportunity to grow. I still haven’t found it. But maybe you have by now.

Are you still in Dallas? How do you feel about that? I know you loved Dallas and wanted to stay but maybe you’ve found a better city and opportunity.

I would hope that by now you have your boys back with you and you’re consistently being recognized and rewarded for the gifts you have. I speak abundance in finances, pleasure and laughter over your life. You sure don’t get much of that now.

What did Tamara decide to do? Did she marry AJ or not? Did Anna ever get over the jitters about her marriage and settle comfortably into the role of a wife? Right now Teenie is praying for her next place to learn and grow in the workplace. Where did she end up?

I hope you didn’t give up. I know you won’t do that. You have to know that at this very moment you are being broken in and prepared for success. It’s not something that you can run from, even though you may feel overwhelmed at times. It’s your destiny to be a leader and to inspire others to achieve. Don’t be afraid of who you are. God has given you everything you need to succeed, all you have to do is show up and be you.

I didn’t want to ask this because it may be a little pressure but…Did you ever get over The Prez? I really hope you did, your friends think you are being really silly about him. If not, then NOW is probably a good time to let go. ~smile~ It’s alright girl. You WILL receive love and give it as much as you want with no inhibitions.

Girl, I am so proud of you for learning so much and growing and not being afraid to be criticized and ridiculed for it. It takes a strong women to bare who she is knowing that every inch of her soul will be scrutinized and judged. But you can’t be any other way can you?

You are beautifully and wonderfully made. No matter where you are right now, Egypt, Africa, New York or Canada, I want you to keep dreaming and improving yourself. Keep loving you and giving love. It’s who you are, Tee.

Don’t give up on us.

Love,

Me

My sons started school today.

I called them to see how their day went. “What grade are you in now?” I asked my 7 year old just so I could hear him say it.

“2nd!” he replied happily. “I’m in gifted.”

Wow. I remember when his little behind used to go hide behind the blinds and boo boo on the floor. I’d catch him in the act and say, “Sugarbear! The bathroom is THAT way!”

My 5 year old started kindergarten today. His Dad says that he cried when he tried to leave but when he picked him up he said he had fun. I’m so proud of my boys!

While they are beginning yet another year of school, their Mama is in Texas feeling the heat of an important life lesson learned. I can see how this lesson will help me grow as a professional as I remind myself to keep my eye on the prize and I humbly admit my mistakes and work to make them right again.

Tomorrow I will begin to make amends by contacting my former director and The Prez, apologizing for my behavior and letting them know what I have learned. It’s going to be hard, I’ll have to swallow my pride and accept whatever their responses will be.

Sade said it best when she sang Love Is Stronger Than Pride. My love for my sons, my career and giving my gift is stronger than pride so I will focus on the fact that I need a stable income to be able to get my boys back. I don’t consider this giving up, I consider it to be a part of my growth. Eventually I’ll be the owner of my own corporate office and there’s plenty to learn until I get there. Hopefully, they will give me another chance, if not, I’ll be free to go and receive whatever else God has for me.

Either way, I’m stronger, wiser and ready to learn as much as I can until it is my turn to hold the reins.

This morning Tamara called me to give me a wake up call. My heart was aching so much that I didn’t sleep much last night so I texted her asking her to wake me up at 8:30.

I know what time my old director gets in so I gave her a few minutes to get cozy in her chair before I called. When she answered I almost hung up but I took a deep breathe and asked her if she had a minute so that I could share some things with her. She said she did.

I explained to her what I have learned since leaving the website.

How none of the other jobs I have seen even come close to matching what I had at the website. How I didn’t give myself a chance to learn how to operate in the corporate environment because I was being immature.
How the opinions she gave me made sense (I really didn’t want to admit that) but at the time I was close minded to them because I don’t like people to tell me what to do. (she laughed at that)
How more than anything, I realize now what I had and value it more.

I asked her if she would consider allowing me to come back again and prove myself. I promised to be dedicated. I apologized for leaving so quickly and I told her that I want to make Dallas my home. I also shared that I had never been more satisfied in a job than I was when I was there.

I thought she was going to be catty but she wasn’t. She was nice. She did tell me that coming back on in a full time capacity may not a good idea but she will consider me for a freelance position she is thinking of creating.

I was satisfied that she at least heard me out and maybe…by me going to her and correcting my mistake…maybe God will open up His blessings for me and provide me with another opportunity to show what I have learned. If God wants me there, He will take me back. If not, I’m open to becoming a blessing to another company or team.

When I hung up I still felt sick. Not really because of the phone call, but moreso because I try to do the right thing ALL THE TIME, so knowing I did the wrong thing hurts me to my heart. It feels like I failed.

But I really believe that all of this was divine. I had to learn this lesson so that I will be able to handle even more responsibility in the future.

I’m itching for the chance to be a leader again. I need more projects, I need more responsibility, I need to get up off of this bed and use my leadership skills. I need to be in charge again. ~sigh~ The next opportunity will be from God and I will not mess it up. I promise.

This evening I went to Irving to attend a meeting of the Irving Black.Arts Council. I took this picture while I was waiting for the meeting to begin.

I sat with the board members and listened as they planned their calendar for next year and explained their plans for the remainder of this year.

They asked me to join but I said, “I’m still feeling out this city to see if I will stay but I really enjoyed your meeting.”

I wish I could help them. I know I could but I can’t commit myself without knowing if I will stay. It’s funny that I’m trying to keep an open mind about leaving when I know that I love this city and I don’t want to go.

God, release the channels of opportunity for me here. Show me the way of prosperity. Guide me into the perfect situation for the perfect pay and appreciation. Allow me to show you that I have learned and I have grown.

They started the eviction process today but here I sit in perfect peace. Now that I am focused and ready for my promotion, I am certain that God will bring it to pass.

PS- Please be patient with me in responding to your emails. I try to answer every one of them in a timely manner so I’ll get back with you as soon as I can. Thanks for writing!

I just got off the phone with my sister and we discussed the possibility of me making a move back to Miami.

I know I can find the money to make it back there. The trip should probably take 4 or 5 days depending on how long I stay in each of the cities I stop in along the way. Houston first. Then Lousiana, then a quick stop in maybe a stop in Gainesville to visit my brother. Then on to Miami.

In planning for my departure I feel defeated because if I leave I’ll be going back to where I began with no real plan, except to find a secretary job or something and just stay there until my boys get older. I won’t be able to get my kids back with me because the real estate is so expensive there and I won’t live in the projects with my boys. I grew up that way and I promised myself that they would never see it.

I can’t live with my parents because they don’t know how to talk to me. I can’t take that demeaning, aggressive talk that they do it kills me. My sister can handle it, she says it motivates her but I’ve had enough of people telling me what a horrible person I am and how I’m never gonna be anything.

So Marsha has offered to let me sleep on her couch. It’s better than sleeping in my car I guess but who knows how many months I’ll be there. Look how long it took me to decide to move to Atlanta because I couldn’t find a job.

The upside is that I’ll get to see my kids. The downside is that I won’t have a home to take them to in order to spend time with them and they wont be able to spend weekends with me or anything.

I have like..this peace in my heart. I asked God to make this my home by giving me a good job and some friends and I don’t have either. Maybe this isn’t my home.

I feel like such a screw up. I feel like apologizing for leading you all to believe that if you have faith and take risks you can make a better life for yourself. I feel like all of my whole passion for inspiring others to prosper and believe..maybe it’s a lie.

Maybe you should just accept who you are and where you are and…just wait for heaven. I never think about heaven but maybe I should. Maybe I should focus on that desired end and walk numbly through each day hoping for the day I die.

Nah…I’m trying to feel all hopeless but that just ain’t me. Things didn’t work out in Dallas for me. That’s okay. Shit..I tried. I was bold as hell huh?!

Think about what I’ve done! I have moved all over BY MYSELF, with NO MONEY! I’ve been in some crazy ass situations when most people have NEVER even lived outside of the neighborhood they grew up in.

I’m a bad bitch. And even if no good comes from all of these faith moves, at least I’ll have some wild stories to tell.

“Gramma, Gramma! Tell us about when you hopped in your car and just moved from city to city?” my Grandkids will ask me.

“Ooh boys! Lemme tell ya,” I’ll say as I adjust my glasses. “Gramma was young and hot. Much like I am now. But Gramma had a dream. She wanted to be able to inspire the world to embrace their fantasies. Gramma was having some problems finding stable work and I was smart but stubborn and prideful. I ended up leaving your Daddy with his Daddy and off I went to Atlanta. Hotlanta is what they called it then before it became overcrowded and the economy went bad. Chasing my dream of developing the skills to succeed I moved to Houston with nothing and lived on the streets and in hostels. Gramma was even in a homeless shelter for one night.”

“Gramma you were homeless like the men downtown that sleep on the ground?” they ask.

“Not quite like them because I don’t play that plus my friends love me too much to let that happen. But no address of my own and my bank account was empty.”

“Empty?”

“Yes. Empty.”

“But how did you get all of this?” they will ask as they guesture towards the tricked out mansion and the house staff busily tending to the upkeep.

“Gramma never gave up boys. I did it for you. Sometimes I would doubt God and doubt myself. I would even doubt the dream I know God gave me. But when I would have those doubts I’d just write about it and release those negative emotions. When I was done I felt better and I was able to focus on the promise. It’s all God boys. If God hadn’t spoken to me that first time when I gave my life to Him, I probably wouldn’t believe. But since I heard Him tell me He loved me and He forgave me, I knew He was real and He would never leave me in a place where I was miserable. The story I wrote became my first book and that led to many other books and speaking engagements. People believed in my struggle. They believed with me. They found hope in my journey and it blessed them. I tell you all the time, the more you bless others, the more you are blessed.”

“How did you meet Granddaddy?”

“Ohh..He came along just when I needed him to. I was all alone and about to make a decision to give up. Just when I thought I had no one He appeared and showed me that He believed in my dream. He showed me. He didn’t TELL me. That’s why I always say that words mean nothing, let your actions speak for you.”

“Gramma you are amazing!”

“Yeah, that’s what they tell me. But who is truly amazing is the God we serve and I owe nothing to myself. I made so many mistakes that I thought I couldn’t bounce back from but God protected me and sent me this wonderful man who loves me like He does.”

“I want to marry a woman just like you Gramma!”

“Be careful what you ask for, I’m a handful and I know it. But in the end you will get exactly what you give so be mindful of that.”

I walk forward as though the path behind me has fallen away. I don’t look back I look ahead, allowing my fantasies to become the blueprint for my success.

God knows my name. He knows my path and the future is brilliant for me.

If I can just get through the uncertainty of today, I will move into that spectacular place that is already waiting for me. It may be in Miami. Who knows. I will trust Him.

I believe.

When I glanced at the caller ID today I smiled. It was Tamara.

“What’s up chick?” I greeted her.

“Hey Dawg. I need a word,” she began and then paused. “I need something.”

“Ok, Well tell me what’s going on.”

“Dawg. I just feel…bad.”

“Did you sign the lease?”

“Yeah. All of the big stuff is out and all we have to do is get the little stuff tomorrow.”

Tamara is moving out of her fiance’s house. Her wedding was less than 4 months away. Their son is 4 months old.

I can share this because Tamara says she doesn’t mind me writing about it. She says my blog tells my story and since she is a part of that, she trusts me to tell hers too. All of my friends trust me in this area and I’m glad. Sometimes it’s better to take the focus off of me and share the life lessons my friends are learning as well.

“How do you feel Prince?” I asked her.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“Are you feeling like you made a mistake when you got with him? Do you feel like you’re losing the best thing you ever had?”

“Yes. YES! All of that. You know exactly what I’m feeling.”

I do know. I know because I’ve been there. And because I’ve been there I know just what to say.

“Prince. You know as well as I do that your relationship was full of holes. Even with your PUSHER personality you couldn’t fill those holes. Only God can. And even with your persistence to make it work, you couldn’t make it work. Only God can. Yeah you were dealing with all of these insecurities but he didn’t make it better. He made it worse by fueling those insecurities. The man God has for you won’t do anything to make you doubt him. You will be secure in his love,” I said.

“Prince I know you’re sad right now,” I continued. “But honestly deep inside me I’m excited for you. I feel like this is a new beginning for you. You may be losing the best thing you ever had, but in losing that you will gain the best that God has for you. You were willing to settle for a relationship full of holes. Much like me and so many other women, you wanted to make it work and withstood all kinds of signals that it wasn’t for you, just because you thought your willpower could push it to where it needed to be. I’m not saying he’s not the one. I’m just saying right now, you know that you deserve more than he can give you. You know it, he knows and God knows it. Now what you have to do is be open to the change, trusting that as you continue to work on your relationship with God, He will bring you where you need to be.”

“You’re right Tee.”

“Of course I am Prince. I’ve been there. But look what you learned from this. You learned that you should never play the role of a wife in any man’s life until you are that man’s wife. You’ll never move in with a man again. You’ll never put yourself in a position to have another child from a man who is not yours and you will never again be the one who leads the relationship. As dominant as I am, I realize that and as much as I know I’m the big talker, I won’t force a man to be with me or to love me. I won’t try to guide him into doing the things a real man is supposed to do. If he is not doing those things already then I know that he is not ready for me and I won’t press. Neither will you, from this day forward.”

It’s ironic that I am having this conversation with my bestfriend when I just began exploring Your Fantasy: Ending An Unhealthy Relationship over on my other site. It’s kind of hard for me to relive those tough moments when I was involved in unhealthy relationships but now that I’m out of them, I have words of wisdom and encouragement to share.

I once wrote an article inspired by Tamara back in the day. I published it in this online magazine and I’ve seen it pop up on other websites and blogs. It seems that however we may compare our lives to others, their lives seeming so peechy keen, all around the world people are looking for inspiration to get them through a rough time.

Since coming into the knowledge of God and His infinite wisdom I have fought many battles and come out STRONGER. I can share the intimate details of the many battles that I fight through because it’s not about ME, it’s about sharing the lessons and empowering others. You can judge me for decisions I’ve made but the truth, the healing truth, is made magnificent in my recovery.

And just as Tamara will recover, so will I. And so will YOU.

I had to respond to the news that Evangelist Juanita Bynum was beaten by her husband in a hotel parking lot last night.

It caused me despair, but God gave me a message of hope to share. Read it on my website, Share My Dream.

This week God blessed me with $125. I was so excited thinking about all the food I could buy with this money as I waited for my next lead from Him as to where I should go and what I should do.

Before I could spend any of it, my friend called me and mentioned that she is fasting in part because she doesn’t have money for food. I sent her $50 immediately and made plans to go grocery shopping with the rest.

This morning Kim called me and told me that she received her blessing to pay her first mortgage note but it left her short on her car note. Immediately I sent her the rest of my money so now she’s squared away.

I’m always eager to give and being able to give blesses me and brings me JOY. Even though I knew that in giving I would again be down to nothing, I trust that God is my supply and just as He blessed me with that money He can bless me again. It’s called being a fearless spender.

I’m not spending my money unwisely. God can trust me with it. If I have money and I see a need in my life or someone close to me, I don’t horde my money expecting it to multiply in my bank account, I spend it. I spend money when I need to. I give where it is needed and God always replaces it.

After giving my last money today I sat back as slurped my ramen noodles, thanking God for the opportunity to bless Kim because she has carried me on more than one occasion. She got my car fixed for me one time and once she even paid my car note for me. When I try to thank her she just says, “We’re in this together.”

And we are.

My supply is hers. Her supply is mine. If I need gas money and I don’t have it, she will give. If she needs her hair done and I have it, she gets her perm. There’s no question of when she will pay me back and there are absolutely no loans. We give out of love as if God is providing through us.

So today I was on my laptop feeling great about being able to help her pay her car note when I got an email from paypal saying that a reader had donated $50 to me. I sat there stunned. My entire body tingled. I cried and I praised God for the quick turn around.

I believe that God is my supply and He led the reader to donate to me just as I emptied my account to bless Kim.

I can’t even say how grateful I am. I don’t feel like I deserve any of the blessings that God gives me because ya’ll know I’m still trying to figure things out but I’m just…so happy that I can actually SEE the law of reaping and sowing working in my life.

I can SEE it, I can FEEL it and I am at peace about the decisions that I have to make.

I prayed that God would join me to the people He has for me. All of the phone calls I make to market myself and to introduce my skills to publications are not in vain. The RIGHT company will contact me back SOON and ask me to join their team. If they don’t call me back that means that they weren’t destined to benefit from my expertise.

I spoke with Tamara today and she was so happy even though her fiance bowed out of the pre-marital counseling that they arranged. “Tee! I was hurt but..don’t you see! I feel like I’m riding in a car but I’m not driving,” she said. “I have not had to make one decision about my life direction, I feel like God is making them FOR me! God is driving!”

He is.

And since I love to be the passenger, I’ma kick back and listen to my baby Kanye while God steers the way.

I have a one track mind.

All I think about is inspiration, motivation and success. I tend to shy away from random conversations because most people don’t want to talk about such things. I don’t know who the latest rap artist is. I don’t watch television dramas. I don’t even know who Paris Hilton is currently dating.

I’m grateful that I have the friends that I do, they think along the same lines as I do. We’re not focused on men or toys, we always talk about God’s will for our lives. Because of this it’s not easy for me to make friends. If we can’t talk about God’s place in our lives, then I have little left to discuss.

Sometimes I want to turn on the television but then I think, “There’s nothing on.” Sometimes I want to read a book then I think, “They’re all full of drama.” Even most blogs don’t interest me because I’m not that interested in other people’s lives. Soap operas bore me to death.

I guess you’d call me boring or self centered. I just call me- ME.

I’ve started reading the Bible again. It took a while for me to see the important message behind all of those drama filled stories. While I seek God wholeheartedly I always find Him. I see Him in the breeze. I see Him in the trees. I see Him in the conversations that I have with my friends.

I’m lonely tonight but I guess I see Him in this situation too. I’m never REALLY lonely because I have lots of friends who care about me and my phone or IM never stop ringing. But it’s these late nights, when everyone has gone to bed that I sit and thank God for loving me and never leaving me even through all of my bad judgements.

I remember long ago that I longed for a closer relationship and now…here in Dallas, He is pretty much all I have. I’m grateful that I’m not desperate for attention although I’d love some affection right now. It’s becoming easier and easier to accept my celibacy and I no longer yearn to be touched by a man.

I’m wondering what tomorrow will bring as my many friends call and speak their blessings over my life, proclaiming what they believe God has told them about my situation. It would be a lot easier if all of them had the same word from God, but none of them do. It just reaffirms that I have to be strong in making the best decisions for myself and even though I am learning to get a grip on my emotions, I still follow the peace in my heart that I know is from God.

Let me go spend time with Him. I love it late at night when I’m lieing awake and I just talk to Him and ask Him to show me the way to personal fulfillment.

It’s funny how I’ve been on this journey, with my one track mind and all. I have been searching for an opportunity to grow and I just realized– that place won’t be found in an office building or the security of a paycheck. The journey IS my opportunity to grow and I welcome it with all of my heart.

Wow.

I had no idea.

I have no real desire to be a Christian writer. I don’t consider myself to be one really. I just write what I believe and lots of times my actions and thoughts don’t line up with the Bible or what people perceive Christians to be so instead of trying to make myself into something I’m not, I just don’t wear that label.

No, the magazine that contacted me wasn’t a Christian mag, but the reader who wrote the comment sent me a link to a Christian mag that needed writers and I did apply. I don’t mind writing on those topics and maybe I’d be good at it but honestly I’ve never thought about it because I don’t consider my writing to be Bible based or a guideline for good Christian living. I hardly read the Bible and I don’t know many scriptures and when I think of all the other Christian based writers they seem to know it all and have all the answers and I know I don’t.

I guess because I mention God a lot, people assume I’m a Christian writer. I guess I don’t want to wear that label because I just do my own thing and…I don’t want Christians to be shamed by me representing them, cuz I AM going to BE ME at all times. You feel me?

I don’t represent Christianity, I represent ME. This doesn’t have a title. This is about a woman learning who she is and following the path she believes will lead to her desired end. I could have easily been exposed to any other religion. Even though I don’t practice a religion, I do adore God and believe in Jesus.

My ambitions are rooted in living in God’s will and multiplying my business. I don’t ever want to confuse the two. Meaning…I don’t want ministry to become a business. That’s why I coach for free. But maybe I should rethink that. I don’t know. I just feel like if I take the time to feed others words of wisdom, not worrying about being paid back, that God will take care of me.

Maybe that’s not a good business practice but I just…believe that some things, like love, advice and concern should be given freely. Maybe I’m naiive but I’d want those things to be given to me without a price sticker.

Well what kind of writer am I? I don’t know.

I just…write my evolution.

Do I have to be classified? I don’t like to be put in a box like that.

If you want to call me anything…just call me…Tee. Let that be it.