Month: June 2007

Hurry

If the internet was a man, I’d have unprotected secks with it.

And we’d have lots and lots of little baby blogs.

~sigh~

My Father’s Day page and the Black Music Month page are about to launch. ~giggle~ There’s nothing more exciting than when the page launches and everyday the new content is rolled out. Ooh, it turns me on so much!

Today you won’t believe what I did.

I am so turned on right now.

I woke up early, got dressed and went straight to my office. The clock read 8:30am when I arrived and my computer wasn’t working properly but I was patient. It took more than 3 hours to get it functioning properly but then it finally worked.

So I sat. And I wrote. And I managed content. I and I wrote stories. And I loved every second of it. Cuz it was quiet. No one was there. I could concentrate. I could focus. And I did focus and I got so much work done. It was like.. It was like…

It was like…

It was like… 7 minutes in… when you got the rhythm flowing just right. And everything is slippery wet. And there’s an unstated competition going on. You’re looking him in the eye. He’s looking you in the eye. And all you want, as you ride out on top, is to make his eyes go to the back of his head. So you do your nasty dance…. On top… You pop and shake. You wiggle a little. You squeeze and flex… you pop and shake… You drop it.drop it again… Cuz it feels so good… He smacks that ass… you like that shit too… it’s good to you both…but you’re determined…to make his scream your name…so you do a slow wind… and you bounce up and down… and you bite your lip… and you slow down… and he slaps that ass again…. Don’t stop ma….but you wanna make him beg….so you slow down some more…then his eyes get big…Don’t stop ma…Can u wait a minte daddy?…Can you hold on a minute daddy?… I wanna ride… but it’s so good… It feels so good..that you can’t contain yourself…you’re scratching and pulling…he’s gripping your hips… you’re just bouncing with a strength you didn’t know you had….and it’s good…and you see the video camera..it’s on…and you smile and bite your lip again… cuz it’s good… and you feel good… and he’s about to scream…and you can tell.. and you love the power…the power of the pussy… its nice…you got it all….and you drop…DROP…wind…wind…. til he collapses…ahhhh….u own that shit…

That’s my job feels to me…

I own that shit.

I love that shit.

I worked all day. In the quiet.

I stopped at 5:45 because I couldn’t take the hunger pains anymore. So I grabbed some Mickey D’s and came right back to the office. TO work some more. ANd I loved every second of that shit. Cuz I love that fucking job. I do what I do best. It’s so secsy to me.

But then Kim called me. Talking about her condo. And I made myself leave. Cuz it was 11:45. And i didn’t want to seem like a total nerd, staying past midnight. Then I went home.. And wrote some more. And listened to Luke on Youtube. And shook my ass a lil bit all by myself.

And then I finished my bottle of wine. And shook my ass some more. ANd fantasized about the day when… I’ll have an audience to shake my ass for. Boy I tell you.. I ain’t used to this celibacy shit. I wanna fuck.. straight up. And yeah it may be the wine talking but whatever. I’m a woman dammit. And i got this… uhhh…tension inside of me.. and I wanna release it.. And i’m tired of holding back…but I don’t want nobody’s EMPLOYEE. I want what I want dammit!

And if my standards are too high, so be it. I’m a freak. I wanna be freaky. And I don’t wanna hide it. I like what I like. And I want my man to like it too.

I feel like Im on the moon somewhere instead of in another state. This aint no easy trip. Can I meet a wonderful man who wants to take care of me.. ANd let me take care of him…Damn… I don’t even know wat I;m saying…but I speak the truth. I’m tired of being abstinent and shit.

FUCK. I want to feel a man’s hands all over me… Touching me.. I can’t take this. I usually just look… and choose who I want. but I promised God…that Ill wait. Until he presented the man He has for me.

Um… hurry up God I’m about to explode. I’m gonna do him VERY nicely God. As long as he is nice to me.

I’m out of breath… So tense. Wondering when.. a bitch gonna feel some hands.. all over me…Smacking me… Making me scream.. .Fuck…I need some lovin… This Dallas shit is over rated. THough I like my job… I’m still a woman.. designed to be…invaded…flipped over… smacked and dominated. Just like I like to dominate.

Damn… I’m gonna cry. I need to be touched. Its that serious. Help. I finished off a bottle of wine and I’m senseless. All I know is that… I wanna be kidnapped.. I wanna be taken hostage. and taken advantage of…

All I can do is sigh. Cuz I love my job so much. And I love to work on the weekends. Even on the weekdays. I come in early. I have to. So I can work in the quiet. I need quiet. Lord…Im so hrony Im sorry. I dont mean to be. But Im lonely.

And i’m mad. Cuz I don’t have anyone to touch me. I feel like an alien. I feel like I’m on mars. My eyes are blurrued, U cab vakeek eee,====000

He;llo.

U can barek see, vut I annat to say that ,,, I’m tied of being celibate. I want to be with my baby. I dpnt know where he is… I cam all the way here.. Am i sonna move woemwgehre ekse? I don’t want to. I anna say here. I don’t know. I can’t be mysself every night like this. THis is n’t healthy for a chich like me.

Oh God… Wha do I do?

I wanna be right nit;//I wanna be touch,ed.

Here I am…sitting on the living room florr. Chicp toothed.

I have on my blue lingerie. I wear it so when I danc I can see my ass shake.

Girls like me too. I think tha’s a trup. Cuz although I find them attractive and sexy., I don’t want them to touch me. I ont know what that means. All I know is…if my man wants to look I won’t mind..cuz I’ll be looking too…

Lord…I don’t know. You know what’s up with me… Help me to get the interbiwis I requested. At least 3 of them. I’ll be okat..

I may need to maserbae.

30 seconds or less and I’m eeling NICE!!!

LOL!
I’m numn.. But I’ll try it anyeay..

One love.. Love yourelf ,,, dont worry aboyt the next bitch because she is too worried about you…

~yawn~ I think i need ot get some rest.

Sorry aboyt the blurry biion.. I cant really seee wghat I m typig I lll i nknow is… I need to be touched. Soon.

Please God… can this be the end of the wait for me.. I want someone who would turn me out. Try everyting wuth me,. includng loving me… I’m qite freaky,,,

Wnna see?

Watch me…

Yawn…

Im boring..

Let me do entertain myself.

i do love th lord… pleas hurry while Im doing the eighr ting…

My Best Friend’s Wedding

When the phone rang at work this past Friday, my hand instinctively grabbed for the receiver. By the time I noticed the caller ID I cringed because this was not a conversation I wanted to have.

“This is Ms. Tee,” I answered in my most professional office voice.

“Hey girrll..” her voice purred into the phone.

I stared at my lap, not knowing what to say.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked.

I was quiet.

“You’re not coming?”

“No,” I mumbled weakly trying to hold in the tears. I couldn’t be caught crying at work again.

“Naw…Man…I didn’t call you to get this bad news. Are you serious? Are you just playing and you’re gonna surprise me and show up?”

“No. I wish I was. I just don’t have any money to fly down there, dawg. I tried. I even asked Donovan if he would send me and he told me he didn’t have it.”

“But it’s not going to be the same. You were supposed to ride with me in the limo and we were gonna get drunk and cry and hold each other on the way to the wedding.”

“I woulda been right there with you, dawg.”

“Dawg,” she paused. “But it’s okay. I guess we’ll just have to meet up one weekend and I can show you all the pictures and tell you the story while we sip some wine or something.”

I could feel the heartbreak over the phone.

Here I go. Me sitting in Dallas, Texas, lonely as hell, chasing a dream while one third of my childhood trio was getting married and I couldn’t attend.

Anna.

If you had asked Anna, any number of years ago, what she envisioned for her life in order to be successful she would have said, “I want a family and a husband who loves me.” That’s all she wanted. Now she has that..and I can’t be there to celebrate with her.

Today was her wedding. The other third in our childhood trio, Tamara , called me during the reception to let me hear the background noise so that I could feel like I was a part of the celebration.

Anna had done a great job of keeping me connected during her wedding planning process. She sent me pictures of her dress, described every detail as she made decisions and even let me write the content for her wedding website. She even called me during her bridal shower to joke with me. That made me feel so special.

I have such wonderful friends. My standards so high because of them. With Anna and Tamara, they taught me how to love women. They taught me how to be a good friend. Remember how I met them? It was freshman year of highschool and I was in the same situation that I am in now. I went to a highschool in a different neighborhood and I didn’t know anyone.

They saw me sitting by myself at lunch and they invited me to have lunch with them. I turned them down at first because I thought Anna was way too wild to be my friend. But they invited me again and I accepted and we’ve been bestfriends ever since. We even have a song- It’s Count On Me by Whitney Houston.

They both have such giving hearts. They included me in their friendship and they didn’t know me. They embraced me and never gave up on me even though I used to have such a problem communicating without yelling or being harsh. Everytime you turned around they had some new person they were taking under their wing. Even though we were very popular in highschool, we weren’t exclusive. If you were new and didn’t have any friends, you could hang with us. And when you found new friends, we were happy to see you find your place.

I guess I can’t be sad about not being there to see her dream come true because it’s over with and Tamara just called me to tell me about how beautiful everything was.

Of all the problems I could have…not having money isn’t the worst. I’m grateful that my biggest problem can be solved by working harder. I have started looking for a side job to take care of it. I’m thinking I could be a restaurant hostess or something. You know I love smiling and making people feel good.

Ruby thinks I should teach a leisure course on writing. I think that’s a good idea.

My bestfriend Anna got married today. She is now a wife.

She has a husband. His name is Tray.

Anna has a husband.

Tamara and AJ are next. Their wedding is December 31st. She will become a wife too.

Damn…We’re growing up.

Feels Like Christmas

Every night feels like Christmas Eve. I lay down wishing I could fall asleep fast so I can wake up and go to work.

Tonight I left the office at 10pm. I didn’t want to leave but since I can’t sleep there I had to go home. It’s not the people or the environment or even the perks, it’s the job. It’s what I do. I love it. I love every minute of it. I love organizing my campaigns. I love emailing back and forth with my co workers. I love coming up with new ideas and writing them down and then implementing them. I love the freedom to be able to do what I want to do and share it with readers and they love it. I love the support that I have.

And the most amazing part is my officemates. They are so fucking smart. I try not to bother them and just do my job but today I needed help so I asked and…I felt like I had to HIDE from the magnificent weight of their ideas and suggestions. They kept pouring out like a never ending waterfall and I took notes as quickly as I could and then I sat back..full. They’re so damn smart! They make every idea I have…so much better.

Nothing is too good to be true. Nothing is too good to last forever. I deserve to be in a place that I love.

After all of the glee I felt from collaborating with my co workers, I decided that I would go pay The Prez a visit since today was his first day back from his vacation. I planned carefully what I would say.

It was a brilliant line if I do say so myself, “How was your vacation?”

Nice huh?

But I procrastinated hoping that he would leave before I got a chance to stop by his office. I waited until way after everyone had gone and I took the long walk to his side of the building. I gulped when I saw his office door open and light streaming from inside. Oh shit? He’s here.

How was your vacation?

How was your vacation?

That’s all you have to say. Then he’ll answer you and you’ll start talking and you can be friends. It’s that easy.

I took a deep breath and tapped on the door.

“Who dat?” he said jokingly.

One mississippi. Two mississippi. Three mississippi.

I stepped inside and smiled weakly.

“Ms. Tee,” he greeted me.

I stood there, frozen.

He smiled at me and nodded his head.

I stood there, frozen.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I nodded.

“You don’t look like you’re okay.”

My eyes shifted downward at my outfit. “What do you mean?” I mumbled.

“You look like something is wrong with you,” he said and smiled.

“I’m fine,” I managed to say.

He smiled at me again.

How come his teeth are so perfect? I thought to myself.

He nodded at me.

I just stood there looking. I didn’t know what to do.

“Ok, bye.” I said and walked away feeling like a nerd.

I am such a dork.

I guess it’s best I didn’t say much because if I ever got a chance to say what I REALLY want to say, I may get fired.

Like: I saw that picture of you on the cruise standing next to that baldheaded chick. Ya’ll were standing entirely TOO close and that hurt my heart. Please don’t ever do that again.

and…

You better tell that comedian to keep your name OUT of her mouth. I didn’t appreciate her joke about stalking you on the cruise. That was NOT funny. She needs to find someone ELSE to stalk because I don’t play that. She better not be invited back next year.

~folding arms~

You see why it’s best that I keep my mouth closed?

Ok, I’ma try to make myself go to sleep FAST so I can wake up early and go back to work…It’s secksy in internet land…

Don’t Ask Me Where I’m Going…
Cuz I don’t know…

I am so at peace right now..

Maybe it’s because I just got off the phone with Kim. She always reminds me of where we’re going and how no one will understand unless they are going in the same direction. It’s like…I get so much unsolicited advice and labels that it’s quite funny. Why are you trying to categorize me? Oh…It’s because you don’t understand me.

Is it because you want me to be more like you? I’m sorry. I can’t be like you because I’m me. I accept you for who you are and I don’t try to push or pull you to the place where I’m going. Well…then why are you doing that to me? Can we just accept each other, as is, with no judgements or harsh words? I accept you. I promise I do. And as I move forward in my journey, I promise to NEVER push you to come with me if you don’t want to. I’ll celebrate you as long as you’re happy.

~grinning~

I love my friends. They see the world in such a BOLD WAY!

Look at my girl Kenya… This chick called me to give me an update because she was trying to figure out what she was supposed to do with her life. She said she figured it out. “I want to be a socialite!”

I almost died….

“And…I think that I’m going to be a Professional Muse!”

GO Kenya! GO Kenya!

“I love it girl! Now all you need is a sponsor…”

Come on… What kind of brilliance does it take to come up with those kind of career goals? It really takes someone who thinks outside of the box.

I promised her that I would do whatever I could do in my power to make it happen for her if she make steps to make it happen first.

I love her! She wrote a story for me recently on the website. It was actually her third try. LOL!But since she’s my friend I was patient with her and I usually have no patience for chasing writers and pulling them in. I don’t have to do that, I can write the shit myself and leave all that begging alone.

So she called me and said, “I know sometimes I’m a bit flaky and I need my hand held so…thanks for doing that…” I love her! She is so honest and so cool! She is a character. I love her because she isn’t afraid to be herself and she’s definitely not trying to put anyone down or change anyone around her. She’s focused on her own life.

The best thing about my friends is…they let me be me. And they’re not intimidated by that. And it doesn’t annoy them…much. They think it’s hilarious! They look at me as their crazy friend who doesn’t believe rules apply to her. I do know rules exist but I believe I set my own rules.

It’s like this. I am not constrained by society’s expectation of me. I say how I feel, in a respectful way. And I ask for what I feel like I deserve. I almost always get it because…I give people what they want. No matter what people have to say about me, “She thinks she’s a STAR!” “She’s standoffish.” “She smells funny.” No one can say that I have ever been rude or disrespectful to them. I’m not mean. I just..do me. If I don’t want to, I don’t do it. I don’t do stuff just to be polite. If I want something, I ask for it. I don’t wait until it is given. It’s funny to me when I try to explain that and people don’t get it. Maybe it wasn’t meant for you to get. And that’s okay.

I love my friends. They respect where I’m going and I appreciate that. They don’t try to label me or tell me what they think I should be doing. They just…laugh and listen to my stories. They believe with me, imagine with me and we have fun just trying to figure this thing out.

~sigh~

I can’t wait to connect with one of them again. Any one of them.

Ruby in Lousiana.
Kenya in Brooklyn.
Tamara in Atlanta.
Anna in Orlando.
Kim in Chicago.

I’m not inviting anyone out here until I get some furniture. And I’m not just gonna get any furniture because…hello…that’s not how I roll. I get what I want or I don’t get anything at all..but really…I’m tired of sleeping on the floor. My back hurts.

I decided today that I’m going to stop being so immersed in my position at work. Half of what I do, isn’t even required. I just love it so much that I expand it but really it’s wearing me out a little bit because to maintain it I have to come in early and leave late and come in on the weekends but that’s mainly because there’s a party in my office everyday. My officemates are popular. Add that to the fact that my friends love to call and check on me, and I am LOUD sometimes… well…it’s not too quiet.

~smile~

I do love to work hard though.

Oh guys! Guess what?

My Father’s Day Page came out! Yeah Daddy! Ok, so this page was completely my creation. I came up with all of the ideas for all of the stories and then assigned them, wrote some of them, edited them and posted them. I worked with the designer to design the page and he did a great job! It made me happy! I found the pictures for all of the stories and I even did a podcast interview with a comedian about his experience with fatherhood. And yes… every other day until Father’ Day, a brand new story will come out if you check back for updates. Yes! Lots of content! ~cheese~

I could just suck this page to death. I really need to be an editor! That process of visualizing and then managing a project turns me on so much!

But this was not a part of my job description. Do you Get it now? I did all this work and it wasn’t required. I’m not even sure it was appreciated. I hope the readers like it. I kinda feel like my visions are just adding more work to my team. If I didn’t have all of these bright ideas, they wouldn’t have so much to do.

So I think I’m gonna cut back. But just at work…I’m about to finish up the story, THE PERFECT MAN. I think it’s the perfect storyline for my first novel. I have NEVER been good at writing fiction but the story with Donovan and I ended at a great place. He is just about to get married to Ashley while I sit here alone…again. But what would happen if I decided that I wasn’t going to allow it? What would happen if I tried to break them up? What lengths will I go to in order to get him? What methods will I use? What lessons will I learn about pursuing love?

Ya’ll ain’t EVEN ready for my imagination. I’ve outlined what’s about to happen and you know it’s all about growth, honesty and drama. This will be my SECOND attempt at writing fiction because I am a horrible liar, but like Jacq.ueline Thomas told me when I spoke with her a couple of years ago- start with what you know.

So…THE PERFECT MAN is on its way.

~sigh~ Hopefully, I’ll be a best selling author by the beginning of next year. I hope everyone will go out and buy it.

Tonight I’m not going to think about the website. They be trippin me out when they ask me to do stuff that I have never done before. I try to remind them, “Hey..I’ve never done this before.”

All you gotta do is show me once and I got it..but sometimes I don’t think they realize that I’ve only been at this job for 6 or 7 weeks. It hasn’t even been 2 months yet. Can I get a little slack on the learning curve? please?

They don’t know what to do with me on this job. They don’t know how to take me. Well.. a couple of them do. But it’s only because they are as vivacious as I am. There are a couple of chicks like that. I just try to stay out of everyone’s way and stay to myself all the time. I won’t force my personality on them. I know I’m a bit much.

This is a really quiet town with very little to do. It suits me because I’m a homegirl and I just live in my fantasy world. That’s why I like the artsy community. No one is out to push you to be like them… Everyone is just like..hey man…do your thing man…cuz I’m trying to do my thing too.. No negative vibes cuz we all float on our own chords toward our own destinies and we eat our vision together, not trying to hold each other down.

I’m an artist. I miss meeting other artists. Maybe I need this corporate America experience to grow…I know it’s divine. I know it I’m supposed to be here for some reason. I just wish I could learn whatever lesson I’m supposed to learn from it because I don’t really think I’m a good fit for this and I don’t want to disrupt what they have going on. Maybe this team would be more at harmony without me. I don’t want to be the cause of that and I definitely don’t want to be in a place where I’m not feeling at peace.

God please tell me what to do. I’m just trying to give my gift. And have it embraced and appreciated.

Wanna read something cool? A reader wrote in to tell me:

…maybe its not meant for you to be a cog in the corporate machine, maybe you are the iron that the machine is made of. I myself reminisce back to my carefree days of painting pictures of things I love, like the black female physic, lol. I know that you will make it someday, you keep going, someone will notice the light within you and help reveal it to the world.

That was very nice of him… I think that when I get discouraged.

So… let me go and relax and listen to my Corinne Bailey Rae CD. That chick’s voice…Man…It reminds me of something…Something familiar and pleasant..something that I want more of…something friendly and sweet…it reminds me of…peace.

peace…

My Prayer of Jabez

I will not question who I am and why I am misunderstood.

My gift is mine.

I walk in divine guidance and God will place me in the perfect place for me to be supported and encouraged.

I will give my gift to the world.

Thank you.

Reconnecting in the Gator Nation

I had a peaceful day yesterday…

Well sort of…Since I’ve decided to try NOT to be so GRRRRR at my job, (per a request from my director) I don’t really know what to do with all of the ideas that pop into my head on a consistent basis.

Yesterday alone, I came up with 3 different ideas for feature pages for the website that would keep readers coming back CONSISTENTLY and I came up with an idea for a reality show AND another book idea. ~sigh~

I should open a store with a sign that reads: IDEAS FOR SALE.

I never run out of ideas for everything. They come quick, hard and I can always follow up with a plan to implement them. ~sigh~

That’s why I like my friend Kenya’s idea of becoming a Professional Muse. She is sooo talented. That chick is a stellar fashion designer, she’s an excellent creative and professional writer, she’s a fashionista, she’s a graphic artist too. People come alive when she’s around them. She’s just a BEAST and I can’t wait to see how we are going to make money together.

When we’re on the phone we love to fantasize about our brilliant future together. We feed each other encouraging words and I laugh because her fantasy is of us hanging out on one of her boats, she says I will be wearing orange and she’ll be wearing blue (Or vice versa, I can’t remember) and we’ll be discussing what’s the next thing we can do to change the world. ~cheese~

With my friends, it’s all about making an impact on the WORLD. I love’em!

Yesterday I had a special treat because my friend from college visited me.

I couldn’t help but giggle when I saw his facebook request to add him as a friend.

I went to his page and saw that he was at Northwestern. I hit him up and said hi, asking him if he had a girlfriend, cuz I wanted to set him up with Kim since she’s in Chicago too.

He hit me back saying that YES he has a girlfriend but he could be friends with Kim.. By the way, I’m in Dallas now visiting my parents let’s meet up.

So ofcourse I was excited because I HAVE NO FRIENDS HERE! LOL!

I gave him directions to my job and it was like… so good to see him!

Tommy.

I remember Tommy. My friend Tonya had a crush on him and it was justified because Tommy was my age, SUPER SMART and a genuinely good person. He had the most interesting group of friends and I got to know them because one of his friends was my friend and since we went to a HUGE predominately white college, all of the Black people on campus got to know each other very well.

So my FAVORITE memory of me and Tommy always makes me laugh.

It was our sophomore year of college. It was late at night. It was me, my (future) sorority sister Nikki, Tommy and 3 of his friends. We were in Beaty Towers. I don’t remember who’s dorm room it was but we were playing strip tunk PLUS making the losers take shots.

So I’ll never forget it, Tommy was NAKED like Tyrese in Baby Boy, on the floor of the bathroom throwing up everywhere. AND my girl Nikki was so sweet. She cleaned up his throw up. Ughh…. And we put him in the bed! LOL!

College was fun…..

So when he pulled up to my office building we both grinned, remembering that night. I gave him a big hug and I showed him the studio where the Radio Man does the show.

As we walked toward the elevators to go upstairs to my office I whispered, “Now I don’t think I can introduce you to too many people because I still haven’t learned their names. It’s an office but the cool thing about it is the artwork. Sometimes I just walk around like I’m in a museum, we have great pieces.”

So we walked all around the office as he asked me questions. As we left the building to go get something to eat, he asked me, “So how did you end up in Dallas?”

“That’s quite a story,” I warned him.

“Well, I want to know.”

So I told him about losing my job in Miami and how Tamara invited me to move to Atlanta and I left my boys with their daddy and then how the editor of the magazine there fired me and how I took a chance and moved to Houston for an opportunity to learn about starting my own business and the guy I was supposed to work for never made good on his promise. I told him about struggling there and working at a restaurant, working as a nanny, living with strangers and sleeping in my car while I worked as a reporter for a local newspaper. Then I told him about meeting The Prez and how I looked at his company website and saw the ad for this job….

“What a story!”

“I know!”I laughed.

When we got to the restaurant we were both still on fire.

“I’ve been bragging about you!” he told me.

“Man…I’ve been bragging about YOU!” I told him. “How was Northwestern?”

“I’m still there. I have one more semester and I’ll be done with my PhD in Engineering.”

“Are you working?”

“Yeah. I work in a lab and we do research.”

“Can you explain to me what it is you do in the lab?”

“We study granular *something*.” I kinda figured it out but I don’t know. He also mentioned that he was in the lab studying metabolism something or other. He’s so damn smart!

By the time we were seated I asked him, “So tell me about this girlfriend you have. Cuz I got a friend for you, and I bet your girl is not as cute as my friend!”

“Wanna bet?” he replied and smiled. “I shoulda brought a picture.”

“Aww… It’s like that?”

“Yeah.. Actually we broke up but I still want to get back with her even though I broke up with her.”

“Why’d you do that dummy?”

“Cuz… I met her at Northwestern, she got a masters in Theatre and then she moved and now she’s trying to move to LA and I’m not good at the long distance thing. I’m miserable.”

“I can understand that.”

“So what about you? Are you seeing anyone.”

I rolled my eyes. “Only in my imagination.”

“When was the last time you dated someone?”

I shrugged. “My Baby Daddy. That was almost 6 years ago. I was raising kids remember. I mean.. I have had secks since then. Just no one regular. Well.. last year I had someone on the regular for about 4 months but then I left Miami and that was that.”

“You haven’t met anyone out here?”

I rolled my eyes. “Hell no! I don’t like to meet guys in the street. That’s so common. In my imagination I always wanted to meet a man while I’m working and in pursuit of my destiny. I figured that he would admire me for my work ethic and envision a plan for how he can help me grow so that we can make money together. I hate meeting men who try to ask me out based on the fact that I’m cute. I learned from my Baby Daddy that being cute doesn’t make him respect you. I want someone who respects my mind and sees my potential and my Baby Daddy told me he didn’t even think I was smart.”

“It’s funny that you say that you imagined that you would meet someone in a certain way because I always imagined that when I meet the woman I was supposed to be with, that I’ll see her and I’ll KNOW. And I’ll think to myself, ‘I HAVE to have her!'”

“Well, if you have a relationship with God and that expectation has always been on your heart, then that’s probably how it will happen.”

“But that never happens…”

“Because it’s only going to happen ONE TIME Tommy! Until it happens you should chill on the dating thing. You’re wasting your time.”

“One time? But what about my girl? We met and were friends for a long time, then we started dating and she’s really nice. She could make me happy…”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt that she could make you happy. Ya’ll could have a long life together, but if she’s not the one God spoke into your spirit about and you marry her anyway, imagine how you’re gonna feel when you’re out with your wife and THE ONE walks by and you lock eyes.”

“Awww..” he shuddered.

“Sometimes you have to give up something good at the wrong time, for God’s best at the right time.”

“That’s easy for you to say. My brain doesn’t work like yours. You’re a risk taker. I would never quit a job unless I had another one lined up.”

“Well..God takes good care of me and what I’ve learned this entire time is that God wants me to be happy and He provides for me. I don’t owe anyone’s job anything. God took care of me even when I wasn’t working. He protected me. Now it’s just me and Him in this city. I don’t have anyone else to spend time with..”

“Except for your imaginary boyfriends…”

I laughed. “Yeah, except for them. One of them in Kanye and the other you met today.”

“Who?”

I frowned. “The man you met in the hall. He introduced himself.”

“Is that the Radio Man’s son?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he go to (insert name of school here)?”

“Yeah.” I shrugged.

Tommy laughed. “That’s funny. So do you think he could be the one?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. HE ain’t paying me ANY attention at all. All I know is…you know how in your mind you have a flash of how something is supposed to be? Well, when I get that flash of how I wanted my husband to be and to present himself, it matches up with him. He’s kinda nerdy, which I love. And he’s smart too. But like I said, it’s all in my imagination cuz he ain’t paying me no kind of attention. We’ll see.”

“I can’t believe we’re here man. We’re all grown up.”

“Yeah.. who would have thought we’d meet up like this again.”

“Do you like it here?”

“Dallas?” I sighed. “Yeah. And it’s crazy because there is no real reason why I should like it here because I don’t hang out with anybody and I love my job but I’m not sure if it’s the perfect fit yet. I just…have this weird feeling about this city. I think it’s beautiful and I feel happy when I’m driving around by myself. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s really nice and quiet here. I haven’t seen ONE bad neighborhood yet, although I haven’t found the ‘hood’ so I can’t really speak on that part.”

“You haven’t seen the ‘hood’?”

“How could I? I hear it’s in the South. Something called Oak Cliff. I never got to see the hood in Atlanta either because I didn’t know anyone who lived there.”

“You gotta go check it out. I have already seen it. My Dad works in inspections and that’s the first thing he does when he goes to any city, he finds the hood and becomes familiar with it.”

“Man..it’s so good to see a familiar face Tommy! It means so much to me to be around someone who is not with me cuz I’m pretty or to see what my talent can do to benefit them. I feel so relaxed.”

“But you are though…”

“What?”

“Pretty…”

“Shut up. Don’t make me go off on you. I am so much more than that.”

We walked back to the office and I gave him a hug and told him to enjoy the rest of his vacation here.

“I’m gonna take you out when you get to Chicago,” he promised me. “We’ll do it big.”

“Yeah.. And you can meet Kim! Ya’ll should be friends.”

He laughed. “I’ll take both of ya’ll out then…”

“Bet… Bye Tommy.”

A fellow GATOR… It’s great to be a Florida GATOR!

Top Ten Reasons Why

I MUST HAVE SECKS RIGHT NOW!

1. Everybody who smiles at me at work makes me want to bite their damn lips off.

2. I think I may disintegrate at any moment.

3. If The Prez walks by my office one more time I’m gonna tackle him.

4. I see depression on the horizon.

5. Charlotte is spinning a web “down there.”

6. I’ve used up all my masterbation fantasies.

7. I feel like the tin man…need..oil..change… ~squeak~

8. I may rape someone soon.

9. My Mama would approve.

10. I need to stay in shape.

If I don’t blog again…it’s because I exploded from lack of affection…

I leave you all with these words of wisdom– Get all the dick you can, while you can…

It’s hard out here…

I loved you.

Overcoming THE BEAST

After I gave a blessing to my kids, my friends and all the world I asked God to forgive me for all of my sins and I wrapped myself in my blanket, trying to overcome the shakes associated with “THE BEAST”.

I just knew it was the end for me. No amount of medicine could help me at this point. I needed the magic stick to heal my body and my supply seemed to be non existent.

I eventually drifted off to sleep, both hands sandwiched between my thighs. Then I had the most wonderful dream.

My phone rang and when I answered it, it was…

The Prez.

“Hey Tee,” he said in the most loving tone.
I smiled and returned his greeting.
“Are you okay?” he asked me. I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Yeah.. I am…It’s just…you know..”
“Yeah,” he said. “I know..” then he laughed. “But it’s going to be alright. I got this. Just don’t worry.”
“Ok.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yeah..I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said and giggled.
“Alright. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”

I woke up then and looked around my living room in the darkness. I was grinning from ear to ear. “Thanks God,” I prayed and closed my eyes again. “Even if it was a dream. It was good to hear his voice and have his attention for a little while.”

I laughed to myself and went back to sleep.

I’m so crazy. I have a whole relationship with this man INSIDE MY HEAD. We have never even had a real conversation. ~sigh~ Lord, I don’t know what kind of crazy chick I am but… I’m me and I can’t be any other way. You made me so, I must not be THAT bad…

The Question

God,

I just had a nightmare that the white people busted in my door and told me that they are taking me away because I am crazy.

Sometimes I feel like I am.

I have this imaginary romance going full blast in my head and there’s no evidence of it in reality.

I have this dream that I am running towards that won’t allow me to stop running except there’s no one that I can trust to help guide me along the way. I feel like I’m always on the defense, having to explain why am I the way I am I’m but I am still being consistently criticized for wanting a better life for myself.

I have this ongoing dialogue in my head. I’m alone so much that I debate myself. The positive thoughts are fighting the negative ones and lately, the negative thoughts are winning.

I feel like I must be made of poison because no one wants to come near me to touch me and it hurts.

I speak to my sons and they are doing just fine. I’m glad they are not crying but…Sometimes I wonder if I ever did a good job of taking care of them and why none of my efforts lasted.

I love this opportunity that I have to help grow this website but I just don’t feel good when I’m in that office. Being criticized for working too hard confuses me and…it’s weird but… I feel like there’s this HUGE secret that everyone knows but aren’t sharing with me. Why do I feel like I’m the office joke or something? What are they hiding from me? I thought this was my place of blessing.

Am I paranoid?

I try to make my imaginary life just as important as my reality because if I don’t then I can’t get through each day. It’s because I can wake up and rise from the carpet while fantasizing about one day having a big king size bed, that I can smile and drive cheerfully to work.

It’s because I can make pancakes and imagine that they are full meals that I can smile happily and go to sleep.

I think I need to see my Mama and my kids to remind me of who I am and that once upon a time, people actually smiled when I walked into a room. Once upon a time, there were people who were glad when I showed up.

Am I crazy?

Huh???

You’re Gonna Find Yourself..
Somewhere..Somehow

I woke up early today.

I took a hot shower and pulled on my black v-neck sweater over a long sleeved purple button down shirt. I pulled on a pair of old jeans and my black heels and stood quietly in front of the mirror.

As I applied my makeup I thought of Ruby and the day we first spoke to each other on campus. I was standing at the bus stop in front of the J-School and she was walking by. We smiled and said hi and then I asked her why she was looking so cute that day. No one on campus dressed up for class, but here Ruby was… a full face of makeup, hair looking precise and jeans all nicely pressed.

“Girl…I have to look like this. I’m going to pick up my last check,” she said with a smirk. “Fuck’em. I will never let’em see me sweat.”

I laughed to myself as I applied my eyeliner and then my blush and last but not least, two coats of dark burgundy lip gloss and a coat of cinnamon lip gloss.

Damn you look good girl…

I admired myself in the mirror for a moment more and then I went into my living room for some quiet time. I read my daily affirmations and called on the peace of God and His infinite wisdom. I reminded myself that all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and that every action, thought and wish that I send forth into this world will be returned to me like lightening.

All of the wisdom that had been passed down to me flashed through my mind as I sat on the floor, enjoying the quiet of the moment.

I will persist until I succeed.

Sometimes you have to just…turn the page.

If it hurts too much to maintain, you have to be smart enough to let go. Love yourself more.

God is my supply.

Every man/woman I meet on this journey is a link in the chain toward my greater good.

The life which is mine by divine right can not be denied by man.

I grabbed my red leather bag and went out to my car. I pressed play and my ear drums were invaded by the soothing sounds of Corrine B. Rae.

“You’re gonna find yourself..someway…somehow…” I sang along with her.

I played the song three times on the way to work, the message of her song, my only companion. Peace.

I parked in the spot that I usually do and on my way to the elevator the ground started to shake.

I closed my eyes and allowed the vibration to tickle my mind.

“Open your eyes,” a voice said.

When I opened them I stared across a deep chasm in the mountainside. I looked down at my feet and my heart trembled at the two inch ledge I was delicately balanced on.

Shit….

Shit….

“I’ve been preparing you for this day,” a voice said.

I stood frozen, knees trembling, my fingers desperately searching for a place to hold on to.

“I’m scared. I don’t want to do this again. I just want to do right. I just wanna find home…”

“Do you trust me?”

A single tear trickled down my cheek.

“God…you know I do. But this hurts. I’m so alone. I need you.”

“You’ve got me. Now step out and embrace me.”

The steady flow of tears turned into sobs as I gazed out over the deep sinkhole.

No…Not again… I don’t always want to be this strong Lord. Can I just…for a minute..Can I be weak? Can someone pour into ME? Can I just…be loved on, please? I’m always fighting. I’m always giving. I’m always trying to do right. I’m tired. Please… I just want to give my gift…

“Step out. Trust me.”

I closed my eyes and took a step forward.

Into the elevator, up through the lobby and into my director’s office.

“I trust you Lord,” I said with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

And so I jumped.