Month: May 2006

Friendly Advice

I’m in the dollar store when my phone rings and I smile because it’s one of my favorite people in the world.

“What’s up chick?” I greet her.

“I know you’re busy because you just picked up your kids and all but I need some quick advice.”

I giggle. “Aiight chick. What happened?”

“Well, I was kinda mean to my boyfriend. Well, I meant to be mean but I didn’t mean to be, if you understand what I’m saying.”

“Yeah I feel you.”

“And I feel bad cuz I think I hurt him. He may be upset with me.”

“Ok.”

“Sooo…I need to know what you think I should do to make it up to him.”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m on my way over to his house.”

“Hmm..Here’s the answer and you gotta follow my instructions to the detail, ok?”

“Ok.”

“Ok, first things first, when you see him, if he’s upset it’ll show in his actions. Don’t be scared away by that though. Walk right up to him and push him down to a seated position. Then I want you to look him right in the eyes as you slowly kneel in front of him. Unzip his pants. Keep eye contact now girl! And then…”

She laughs, “Go to work?”

“That’s right, do yo thang Ma.”

She laughs even harder.

“Hey now,” I interrupt her. “You gotta remember to pause every now and then to say I’m sorry. Do it like this. ‘I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I love you…'”

I laugh.

She laughs too. “Girl, I was NOT expecting you to go there but…it actually sounds like a good idea.”

“It’s a GREAT idea! Even if he is upset, he won’t be for long. Believe me, that’s the BEST way to say I’m sorry.”

The Weirdest Thing

It’s the weirdest thing. My friend Marsha called me the other day seeming frantic about my situation. “What is your plan?! You have to have a plan!”

Uh…I don’t. It’s out of my hands chick. Calm down.

It’s amazing to me that I am completely calm during what could be called the most difficult situation I have ever been in. I tried to get excited and upset and overwhelmed because that’s what I’m used to doing but..I just can’t.

I keep thinking back on all the obstacles that I faced and all the heartbreak I have been through and I see how God scooped me up and blessed me each time. So if I can see how He has always provided, how can I NOT trust Him this time?

I have no weight on my shoulders. I sleep very well each night. I am enjoying my life even more than ever before because it seems that this mayhem is my miracle.

I refuse to freak out and scream. God has a GREAT track record when it comes to taking care of me and my sons. I’ll let Him handle it. I’ve been faithful over all that He has given me and I have honestly done the best I could. This rough spot is not a punishment it is proper positioning for me to receive my destiny.

I will not fail. I will not miss out on what God has for me. It is all in His hands regardless of what my friends, family or associates say.

GOD HAS GOT THIS!

So I’m about to go drink a Carona and watch some TV. My situation can worry about itself.

Breaking Free

I may have mentioned this before but it’s on my mind again.

I hide a part of myself from this blog. I guess it’s the part of me that I am ashamed of.

It’s the….

The….

high sexual energy part of me. I rarely talk about my desires and fantasies because they are not normal and quite freaky and would probably even run some men away. I am naturally sensual. Meaning, even without trying I exude a sexual energy that is off the heezy. Some people would call it borderline slutty but dammit, I’m tired of pretending I’m someone I’m not.

I wish I could be free to explore all the sexual fantasies that are in my mind. I want to cry and scream and not hold anything back. I want to run around naked and talk as dirty as I want to and even role play with my significant other. I want to do it all the time. Twice a night and once in the morning.

Why can’t we as women admit we have sexual desires too? I feel so bound up by being the nice girl, or trying to project that image. I want to be spanked! YES I SAID IT! I wanna a nice ass whoopin! Is that so wrong?!

I want someone who is willing to allow me to try out everything I’ve ever thought of. And I want to be secure in his love for me so that I can fully fulfill my fantasies.

What would God say about all of this?

I feel so much bondage because I don’t think He would like me to do any of the stuff I have in mind. Perverted, nasty stuff that you have to keep a secret because it’s too wild for TV.

I apologize for the outburst.

I’m seriously going through something right now.

I feel like I’m breaking free… I am so ready to enjoy being me.

I Told Him No

It wasn’t easy for me to do. In fact, I couldn’t call him and tell him so I sent an email in hopes that it would do the trick. My former pastor, who I loved so much and trusted and held his opinion even higher than God’s due to the underlying training of my old church home, has been in contact with me for the past few months. He calls periodically to check up on me and see how the boys are doing.

He’s moving to Miami and starting his own “ministry” here and I’m pretty sure he thinks that I will be a part of it. He has even told me that I am a part of God’s vision for his life. That scared me. That made me feel like I’m obligated to be a part of his plans.

Because I used to hold his opinion as God’s word for my life, when he said that, emotionally it placed me back where I was when I was in that spiritually abusive church under his authority. I felt like I HAD to answer his phone calls and I HAD to listen to his plans and his mission. Honestly, I didn’t want to be back in contact with him after I left and went through so much turmoil feeling like I had walked completely away from God because I did not listen when he told me not to leave Gainesville and move to Miami.

Last year sometime he and his family left the church because they somehow realized that the church was spiritually abusive even though he was the college pastor. He called me up one night to chat and I had to confront him on the issues I was feeling in my heart. I told him that his actions were the root of a lot of pain in my life and I told him how I felt like he would use manipulation to make me do what he wanted me to do.

He admitted that he was a part of the abusive culture that the church had adopted and he apologized wholeheartedly. He said in the time away from the church he had learned so much about what he had been involved in and how he had hurt so many people. I took his apology and forgave him but I still wanted to let go of that part of my life and move on. His presence only reminded me of the anger and pain I went through when all I wanted to do was make God happy.

Still, I could not find the heart to tell him that I loved him and that I also needed him to leave me be.

My friend PChap joked that I was “marked” by him. I didn’t think that was funny. In a way I felt he used my admiration for him to tie my destiny to his destiny. When he would tell me that I am a part of God’s vision for his life it would cause me to think that apart from him, I would not be successful. He even told me once, “Juanita Bynum submitted to her pastor and look at where she is.” He wanted complete control and submission.

I gave it to him for the time I was at that church, casting away my old friends and trying my best to make my emotions line up with how he told me I should feel. It didn’t work.

Yes, he has now left the church and called me to apologize and I guess open the door for us to have a relationship again. But I don’t want that. And I finally told him.

“Please do not contact me again.” The last line of my email read.

I hope he listens.

When someone is the main source of abuse in your life and they come back to make things right, it is fair and Godly to hear them out and to forgive them. I have forgiven him. I just am not at peace about remaining in contact with him because I honestly don’t believe that in less than a year away from the church that he has completely changed his method of pastoring.

He knows I adore him and he knows that his words used to mean everything to me. In my search for a father figure the pointer landed on him and what he got was a young woman searching for acceptance, guidance and love and he took advantage of that by using my desire to please God to control me.

I send many blessing out to him and his family as they make their way to South Florida next month. One thing is for sure, I will not be a part of their ministry unless God leads me there. It won’t be out of fear of disappointing him.

I still love him. I really do. But I never want to be a fool again. My relationship with God is my own and I will not be coerced into living for the approval of another man on this earth.

I’m done with pleasing men.

The Aftermath of Intimacy

At the beginning of this year I made a promise to myself that I would no longer have random hook ups with men simply to satisfy my need to be touched and receive pleasure. I figured that unless I met a man who was ‘relationship material’, I would not deal with him.

So I met this guy I call Dude and right away I knew that we weren’t a good fit because he reminded me so much of my type of man. The same ‘type’ of men that usually doesn’t appreciate me or contribute anything positive to my life.

I almost cut him off immediately when he showed that he was a bit inconsiderate but after listening to my friends who suggested that I talk to him about his inconsistencies, I spoke to him and lo and behold, behold and lo, he changed his actions.

So there I was, extremely happy that he cared enough about my feelings to compromise and ofcourse we were having a great time in the bedroom. But those issues I noticed when we first started talking began to resurface. He seemed nice enough but I kept getting the feeling that he did not believe in the possibility of a woman really loving him and treating him well because of his past negative experiences.

I tried to work with him, teaching him how I wanted to be treated and really trying to show him that I am a good woman and I would be down for him. If he had told me that he wanted to be with me, I would have honestly given it a try. But it seemed as though the only time things went like clockwork was when we were doing the do.

We didn’t enjoy the same type of movies, music or jokes. But we did enjoy laughing together at the various reality shows we were into, and we spent so much time cuddling and getting each other excited physically that there seemed to be no gap in interest. But there was.

Last night he came over and we did the usual routine, watch a movie, drink a little and cuddle up. We got to talking and I told him that we were getting a bit too loose sexually and that we needed to take a break from each other or we would end up facing a situation that we didn’t need to face at this point in our lives. He agreed and we parted ways early this morning, promising to keep in touch.

I miss him already but not enough to call him to come over. And I don’t think I’ll keep him on as a booty call. I really wanted someone to provide companionship for me during these rough times and he did that, but I lost a little of myself—all over again —as I tried to be the perfect woman for him and then realized that he didn’t value my efforts or treat me in the same way.

A good friend of mine told me that in relationships people usually give what they expect to receive. That spoke to me because I did everything I could to make him comfortable. I went above and beyond to affirm him and encourage him to want more for himself. In the end, all that sweetness that I had been yearning to give away went to hell because..he still did not want to be with me.

Maybe I gave too much.

I wonder about that sometime. I’m too nice to men when I really like them. I give them the treatment that should be reserved for a man who has committed himself to me. But I don’t know how to turn it off. My greatest desire is to make the people around me feel important and worthy and appreciated.

I’m giving away the goodies to men who don’t deserve it or value it and it is making me seem as though my goodies aren’t so..good.

No one just gives away something of great value.

I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

I’m not angry at men like I usually would have been. I just chalk it up to the game and am satisfied that I gave my all and was really good to him. The fact that he didn’t want that has nothing to do with me. It could be a number of reasons why he was not receptive to me but in any case, I didn’t do him dirty or live up to his negative expectations of women.

I was myself.

But now it’s over and I’m relieved even though I miss his time and attention so much.

It’s hard trying to make up for a lifetime of pain in someone else’s life. My gift of encouraging and my desire to share in the lifetime success of those around me is also my curse.

I hope one day he finds what he is looking for but I’m thankful that we were adult enough to end it now, before things got out of hand.

I really hope I never have to tell a story like this again. But that’s a risk you take when you hope for love. Maybe I’ll do things differently next time. Maybe I’ll slow down a bit more and be less eager to please.

I don’t know. But I know I’m okay with things right now. Even though I sincerely miss his kiss.

The Tony Montana Mentality

Last night I relaxed a bit and watched Love Don’t Cost a Thing starring the luscious Nick Cannon and Cristina Milian. I loved it! The urban remake of the 1987 romantic teen comedy, Can’t Buy Me Love starring Patrick Dempsey was well executed and had me laughing the entire time. It also whisked me away to the mid 80’s when Corey Haim and Corey Feldman ruled the tube and Patrick Dempsey’s nerdy but heartfelt characters caused you to look at the class geek a little differently.

I’ve always been attracted to the nerds. Maybe that’s because I am one. There’s something about a near perfect GPA that gets me too excited! There’s something about being around someone who knows more than I do about certain topics. As long as they are willing to share their knowledge I’m willing to hear and to learn.

This weekend Dude came by with a surprise for me. When I think of nerds I think of him because I could have sworn he was a nerd but he really flipped it on me, which was a nice surprise.

I mentioned to him that my friend Kim recommended a movie that I should see.He showed up with a big hug and BAM, he pulled out the movie– Scarface.

Ofcourse this movie is a classic, but I had yet to see it. I figured it was a guy movie, full of killing and stealing and cussing and I’m not into violence as a form of entertainment but this movie was…MAGNIFIQUE!

I now understand why this movie is a cult classic. The perilous tale of Tony Montana’s ‘no bull-shit I am going to take over the world’ dream speaks to so many of us who come from less than desireable circumstances. Tony started off being plucked from a boat and held in a detention center and rose to the top of the drug game like WHAT!

I really enjoyed the movie’s snapshot of my city during those times. It was amazing to see how Miami used to look before it became such a hot spot. The majority of the movie’s scenes were filmed right on South Beach which looks NOTHING like it did back then.

This city is like a big p***y just waiting to be f****d!

The scene that really spoke to me was the scene where Tony is in the car with his friend and his friend reminds him that they have come a long way from the detention center. Tony looks at him and says, “I want the world and everything in it.” I shivered at the sound of his voice.

Tony was not content with what he had accomplished by fighting through the obstacles of becoming a citizen and securing a stable income. That wasn’t enough, he wanted MORE from life. He had a VISION and a PLAN and the cajones to ask for what he thought he deserved.

So many times we sit through life waiting for someone to give us what we think we deserve. But if we really thought we deserved it, we wouldn’t sit back and wait for someone to recognize it and take pity on us, we’d go get it!

Tony’s growth was evident in the scene where he’s at dinner with his girl and his friend and he looks at everyone and realizes that after all his hard work and dreams his life is still quite simple. At the end of the day he eats, hangs with his girl and drinks. No matter how much money or fame we acquire these basic necessities are still our main priority.

Watching his phenomenal rise and eventual fall helped me to understand myself better. I see so much of myself in him evidenced by the fact that I can not settle for a regular life/job/husband/house and I’d rather die than see my goals go unnaccomplished.

But unlike Tony, I need balance in my life. I don’t want my dreams to become so big and my my quest so far reaching that I never allow myself to stop and appreciate what I have accomplished in my life so far.

At some point I want to allow myself to relax and enjoy the fruit of my labor. When my family is taken care of and their future children are provided for I hope to pass the baton to my brilliant sons and become their full time guide to accomplishing all of their little hopes and dreams.

Here’s to big dreams that WILL become a reality and hopes that don’t overshadow the basic necessity of self love and appreciation for others.

I’m the Mama

I just left my son’s school, they had a kindergarten breakfast to celebrate the end of the school year. It feels so good to be a mom. Especially when your son is brilliant and handsome and loves to play around. I adore walking with him hand in hand. He’s as proud of me as I am of him. He makes me weak when I see him because I have never really experienced love like this. Nothing compares to this. Nothing is as concrete as this.

In a hour or so I’m off to my 3 yr old’s school for a Mother’s Day Luncheon.

“We’ve been practicing the Mother’s Day song!” he told me this morning. “All of the other friends Mommy’s will be there.”

“I’ll be there too baby.”

I can’t wait to have him proudly introduce me as his Mommy. Talk about feeling HONORED! I love it!

And when I got home this morning to check my email, I saw this in my inbox.

Isn’t that sweet?!!!It’s from my friend “B”. Yeah, we still email and text everyday but we have also started talking on the phone. I’m not attracted to him anymore because… I’m just not. But he has proved to be a very positive addition to my life. It’s funny cuz I always say I can judge who is my friend and who isn’t by one factor. Does the person inquire about how my kids are doing? Do they recognize that besides being a sexy intelligent woman, I am also a MOTHER?That may seem simple but I have noticed many, many men trying to be up in my face and most of them never even think to ask if my boys are well. I’m not looking for a Sugar Daddy, in fact I never date men who have money cuz it’s not a factor for me since I don’t depend on men for help, but it would be nice to meet a man who would say, “Hey, I wanna surprise you with some groceries tonight. Is that okay?”Forget the diamonds and clothes and shoes. I’d really prefer a full tank of gas. So far no man I’ve ever met is thoughtful like that.But “B” is. Even though we are not dating, I think he is in my life to prove to me that there are sensitive, extremely attractive, ambitious, patient and encouraging men in this world.I wonder if Dude will even call me on Mother’s Day. I have a feeling he won’t. He’s so sweet to me when he’s around me but sometimes I think he doesn’t mean it. He says he has to learn to be more thoughtful and he’s thankful that I am patient with him. But sometimes I get tired of being the teacher.Happy Mother’s Day to YOU and yours!Love,Ms. Tee

Everybody Gotta Have a Dream

I’m sitting on my couch last night trying to decide what my plans are for the evening. I’m wearing my most comfortable outfit, a t-shirt and some panties and the blanket I have draped lazily over my legs feels so soothing against my skin.

I call a few of my friends to get a general consensus of whether I should go out or not. ~smile~ I have friends here in Miami but we don’t hang out like that. The friends I talk to on a regular basis (Tonya, Tamara, Sylvia, Kim and Shanna) all live in different cities but through the wonderful delight of technology we never miss a beat in each other’s lives and we will sometimes even log on to yahoo to help each other choose clothes to go out over the webcam.

My sister comes over to show me her bridesmaid dress. One of her bridesmaid’s dropped out of the wedding so I have to fill in. I don’t mind it if she needs me to help but ordinarily I would not desire to be a bridesmaid in anyone’s wedding because I can’t stand the idea of standing up there wearing the same dress as a whole group of chicks. That is sooo NOT ME.

It’s funny because I joined a sorority in college but I never considered that aspect of it when I decided to join. I didn’t even realize that hey, you have to go out with these chicks wearing the same colors and outfits sometimes. LOL! It was cool though…I’m really glad I had that experience, I met some cool ass chicks.

I have already decided that I will go out but my body won’t budge from the comfort of my couch. My phone rings and it’s my cousin.

“What you doin?”

“Chillin.”

“You wanna go out for drinks with us?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, get dressed right now and meet me at my house.”

“Ok. Gimme a minute.”

I go to my closet and decide on casual wear. It’s warm out and we’re just going for a drink so there’s no need to try to be all girly with high heels and a dress.

I pull on one of my favorite outfits. The pants are flared and colored brown with little green specks in them and they go down a little past my knees. I choose a pink tank top to go with it and a little quarter sleeved, apple green half sweater with a hood. I think I look great. My sister gags when she sees me. She doesn’t like my style. Oh well!

A quick dab of makeup and I’m out the door to pick up my cousin and meet my other cousins. Less than an hour later we are on our way to South Beach. Our destination is Wet Willies on Ocean Drive.

We get there and order a variety of the famous slushees and it’s not packed at all so we sit down at a table upstairs overlooking the strip and the beach. I peer over the railing and over the tops of cars, trucks and stretch Hummers crawling by. It’s tough to speed on South Beach, there are too many people out. I look down and notice the street sign and I laugh.

“Hey ya’ll! We’re on 8th & Ocean!” I tell my cousins. I forgot that Wet Willies shared the same street address

“And?”

“Wait, don’t ya’ll watch that reality show called 8th & Ocean?”

“Righhht….”

I laugh. I guess not.

My cousins are wild. They are all married or in serious relationships but they were flirting like crazy. Non sexually ofcourse but flirting non the less.

“Ya’ll just wanna see if ya’ll still got it?” I tell them.

“Oh I still go it.” My cousin Trice says.

Guys are coming up to us left and right trying to make conversation. There are five of us and one guy offers to buy us all drinks. I decline because I have to drive and I don’t drink and drive.

I end up meeting this one guy from Houston. This place is filled with tourists. ~shrug~ He looked a little like John Legend. A much older version of John Legend but he was cool.

“B” texts me asking me where I am. Remember, he and I have not met up since our initial encounter but we communicate all day everyday through email, text and sometimes we call if it’s big news.

I text him back: I’m at Wet Willies with my cuzns.

I was just on the corner of Wet Willies 20 minutes ago.

Well come back.

LOL! Naw, I’m headed home.

You are scary. I won’t bite.

Naw…I’m just tired. Maybe if you had told me earlier I would have stayed.

Punk.

I finally convince these chicks to leave around 2 am (I’m not used to hanging out like that anymore) and we head back to the garage and all of them are drunk by this time. What automatically comes with drunkenness? The insatiable desire to PEE! These chicks can’t find a restroom so they do what other young socialites in Miami do- they ducked behind some cars and sprayed the concrete. Eww….

I’ve done that once or twice in my life. LOL! I never hope to be that drunk again.

As we’re pulling out I get a call from Dude who tells me he is just heading home from hanging out with his friends.

“What? Did you just leave the strip club?” I ask him.

“Exactly,” he says. “What you up to?”

“We’re on our way back now.”

“Call me when you get home.”

He comes over and it’s 3:30 am but I pull out the movie I rented from Blockbuster called Hustle and Flow. Yeah, yeah. I know I am late but since I’ve been hanging with Dude I’ve been more open minded about movies and I have been impressed each time he suggests one.

Hustle & Flow was NOTHING like I expected. Terrance Howard is alright in my book. I think the thing that really hooked me with this movie is how it showed the process behind making a song.

I literally got aroused as the white guy, I think he was the sound engineer, played a few simple notes on the keyboard and then added a clap, then he added a ding or something, then a baseline. The layers of making the beat came together piece by piece and I’m sitting there with my mouth hanging open and my legs pressed tightly. Dude is looking at me like, What’s up with you? Dude is a sound engineer by the way. ~wink~

Does anyone else think that putting together a beat is sexy? Man, creativity in itself is sexy to me! Imagine the ability to craft an original idea into tangible form (a song) and have it turn out better than you expected! ~faints~

I’m feeling this movie because it shows what can happen when you believe in yourself. The main character said that he felt like this is his last chance to do something with himself before he died, because he didn’t want to be a pimp forever. I feel like that too. Well, not the pimp part…but…you know.

I feel like that all the time. People ask me why I’m in such a rush to succeed. Why not? I have so much to contribute to the literary world and my gift is overflowing. I can’t NOT do something or I will explode. It’s deeper than just wanting to live better or be able to take care of my family. If I was a millionaire I would still have these same exact longings to be published and tell the stories of everyday lives that will inspire.

Hmm…I must have watched that scene called Get Krunk 4 times already. When he adds the instruments one by one creating this momentum, man…I just wanna scream… That’s hot. ~fanning myself~

Now if I can just continue to build a team of people who have the same dreams as I do I can do even more than he did. It’s very important to link yourself with people who are going in the same direction as you are. If you sincerely have the desire to make it, each person who is joined to you will bring an element of talent that you do not have. This pie is big enough for all of us and I’m nto above sharing or helping others to get theirs.

Here’s to the realization that life is really only as good as you want it to be.

Make it happen!

Don’t Catch Me Slippin

I woke up extra early this morning even though I was up pretty late last night with an attitude because my friend cstopped by to see me with a gun on him. Maybe it’s just me but I have never experienced the mayhem of the streets like that so it makes me very nervous.

I was watching the movie Paid In Full with Dude and I could barely stand to see the screen because there was so much double crossing going on. Remember when the guy got the 14 kilo’s and his friend came up to him in the doorway of that building. He told his friend that he needed help selling the kilo’s and his friend asked, “You got 14 ki’s in that bag?” “Yeah.” he replied. The friend took out his gun and shot him in the stomache. Then he took the drugs.

WHAT KIND OF MESS?!!!

I think a part of me wants to continue living in this coccoon. I have only had one backstabbing friend in my entire life and that wasn’t even that bad. I never had to deal with violence and gossip related drama among women. I guess I was very sheltered from the element of people that I see on TV. On TV they make it seem as though everyone has deceit and and ulterior motives in their heart. Maybe I’m just naiive. Yeah. I think that’s it. I expect everyone to come correct with goodness in their hearts just like I would.

That’s a reason why some people would say I’m gullible. I always want to believe the best in people because most times I couldn’t imagine the “wrong” that they could have in their heart. It doesn’t even cross my mind. Like, I can leave loose dollar bills around my house and still have company over without ever considering that some of my money would be taken. Why would someone I love enough to allow into my home take something from me? It doesn’t make sense.

It doesn’t. But it happens. It happened to my Mama. One of my cousins stole liquor from her bar after spending a few hours visiting. I couldn’t believe it.

My Mother’s Day was unevenetful. I woke up early and drove over to my Mama’s house to help my sister make her breakfast. When my sister went to church, my Mama and I watched one of her favorite movies, Imitation of Life. She LOVES, LOVES the scene were Sarah Jane gets beat up by her boyfriend on the street. She plays it over and over and laughs and LAUGHS!

~smile~ My Mama is crazy. Since I didn’t have my sons this weekend I went on home and tried to go back to sleep but what can I say- I’m loved.

My phone WOULD NOT STOP RINGING!

Every single person that I know in this world must have called me or texted me today to show me some Mother’s Day love. Ofcourse, the first one I heard from was B. He is too sweet for words. I promise, most of these people calling me were not even saved in my phone. I heard from old booty calls, old friends from college and the usual crew from across the country.

On the real, Mother’s Day is more special to me than my birthday. Everyone has a birthday but not everyone is a mother.

I wear my stretch marks with pride. Uh..no I don’t, but you get my point.

I picked up my boys around 5pm and they both greeted me with big hugs and kisses. We came home and had a snack before cuddling up to watch a movie together. Now they are on their way to bed and I’m about to fix myself a drink and chill out. Dude says he’s going to come over later.

Later…

I don’t know about this.

Yes I do. I know for a fact that this relationship??? is going absolutely nowhere. The last time he was with me I turned to him and asked, “Um, can you tell me what we have in common?” He closed his eyes and smiled. He was silent for all of 30 seconds when I shook my head at him. “Why do we hang so much if we never have anything in common to talk about?” I asked him. “We chill,” he said. “I think that’s enough. Don’t you enjoy yourself?”

He puts up with all my questions and my insecurities and I like that about him. He is always telling me I need to relax. I don’t know how. I don’t want to be this uptight. I’m afraid to admit this but I think I’m hooked…on his male parts.

Yeah, yeah…I’m supposed to be strong and mean and quick to cut a man’s throat, but with him…Man, it’s so good to me. It fits perfectly and that’s hard to find. After having two kids things are just not the same “down there”.

Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize for enjoying sex so much with him. How can I, a card carrying Christian, enjoy sex when I KNOW I’m supposed to wait until one magical day when a man appears as a gift from God? Why am I so sensual? Am I a hoe? Naw, hoes get paid. I get nothing.

Nothing but the best and most intense orgasms I’ve seen in a long time and I get to experience them on a regular basis. I would PAY for my friends to get what I’m getting. ~sigh~

I’ve been trying to cut him off. I’ve been trying to make it tough for him but I can not. I console myself by saying, “At least I’m not trading my cootchie for some company.” A lot of women do that, you know, have sex with men just to get them to keep coming back and hoping they will fall in love.

I used to do it too. I used to lay there motionless waiting for them to finish because I wanted someone to come talk to me and pretend like they like me.

I remember telling one of them, “Even if it’s not real, it feels good right now.” How sad.

Temporary satisfaction could lead to regret. Blah..I’m preaching to myself right now. I’m trying to get up the courage to leave Dude alone. I want to, but I don’t want to. Shit. I hate that the treatment I get from him is the best treatment I’ve gotten in years solely because he doesn’t criticize me like all the other men who were trying to “fix” me. Sometimes I ask him if there’s anything I can improve and he just looks at me and says No.

I don’t believe for one minute that he is completely satisfied with me. He knows I don’t cook. He knows I don’t clean. I’m waiting for him to walk away from me. I NEED him to walk away from me. I EXPECT him to walk away from me. I HOPE he does it soon. I can’t take the anticipation. It’s like torture.

~breathe~ Yeah..I’m uptight as hell about everything right now. Nothing has changed about my situation. But Dude’s company offers a chance for me to relax and not think about it all. When I’m with him all I think is, “Damn…how can I make this feeling last forever?”

Hooked. Shook. And I have no idea where I’m going to live this summer. My landlord increased my rent by $200. I was already paying a grand a month for a 2 bedroom/1 bath duplex. I have less than 6 weeks to find a new place and with no savings and very little income it’s gonna take a miracle.

I love this place. It is the perfect size and location and everything. Man, I don’t want to go back to an apartment. I don’t want to go back to government housing.

Naw…I’m not even gonna allow myself to trip. I’ll go crazy if I slip into depression. God is so wonderful. He won’t let me get crazy anymore. He won’t let me freak out. I’m thankful. I’m grateful and I’m gonna excercise faith that although my life may not go tit for tat with what the Bible says- God loves me anyway and He will take care of me.

Oh yea…I saw the movie SAVED this weekend. I’ll touch on that another day.

Rainy Days

My uncle died yesterday.

It began storming the minute my cousin called with the news and the heavens poured down for the rest of the day. I slept and cried. Slept and cried.

Two months ago he announced to our family that he was HIV positive. He’s not the same uncle that I saw taking a nap on the sidewalk last summer who is also HIV positive. I don’t know where that uncle is. I now have two uncles who have suffered from this disease.

I guess you kinda think that stuff like that only happens to other people. You think it could never be you. But I’ve realized that I had so many hopes for myself and I never thought I’d be a Baby Mama struggling the way I am, so reality is for everyone, not just those who think they are above the laws of life.

I don’t fear death. To me, death is the open door to a wonderful place. Rest for the weary. Peace for the frazzled minds.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t WELCOME death. It’s just…I can’t imagine my life getting any more joyful than it is now. My sons..~whew~ They saturate my life with so much love and happiness. I can’t imagine feeling any happier than this.

My writing is going very slowly. I need deadlines. I need structure. I need guidance. But hey..I’m still fumbling around trying to put myself out there and I’m doing my best with what I have.

Cross your fingers for me, okay? I’m really leaving Dude alone this time. It’s not that he’s mean to me. It’s just that I want so much more and he’s either unable or unwilling to give it to me despite the effort I put into making sure he’s happy. It’s okay. Everyone has the right to give as much as they want or as little. I just happen to give a lot (and want a lot). I’m sure someday I’ll meet my match.

I’m feeling kinda ho-hum and powerless because I don’t know what’s about to happen in my life. Yesterday I went to a center to see about getting help with housing and they basically told me they couldn’t help someone like me.

Housing centers are for people who are homeless. The financial assistance programs are for people who have been given FINAL NOTICES on their rent or their bills and I’m not at that point. Thanks to the generosity of my friends my bills are paid for May. We’ll see what happens when June 1st rolls around.

Sometimes I allow myself to slip into this pitiful abyss. It only lasts a minute though. All of my life I’ve been searching for someone to show me the way to success. I’ve found that my journey is my own and no one can help me. It’s scary to be out here by myself, but I can’t just crawl into a hole and die. My kids need to see me succeed. They need to know that they have a strong mama who made it despite and because I have always celebrated being…me.

Of all the things I want in this world, I want to be a mama my sons can be proud of. I want to show them enough love that they can grow up to have loving relationships with others. I want them to respect authority but despise the common thought. I don’t want my children to be sheep, desperately chasing the latest trend. I want them to celebrate their uniquness and recognize that their gift to this world is the very thing that makes them different.

I never want to be ordinary or fit in with the crowd. I’ll never be that chick who gets along with everyone.

Why would anyone want that?