Don’t Catch Me Slippin
I woke up extra early this morning even though I was up pretty late last night with an attitude because my friend cstopped by to see me with a gun on him. Maybe it’s just me but I have never experienced the mayhem of the streets like that so it makes me very nervous.
I was watching the movie Paid In Full with Dude and I could barely stand to see the screen because there was so much double crossing going on. Remember when the guy got the 14 kilo’s and his friend came up to him in the doorway of that building. He told his friend that he needed help selling the kilo’s and his friend asked, “You got 14 ki’s in that bag?” “Yeah.” he replied. The friend took out his gun and shot him in the stomache. Then he took the drugs.
WHAT KIND OF MESS?!!!
I think a part of me wants to continue living in this coccoon. I have only had one backstabbing friend in my entire life and that wasn’t even that bad. I never had to deal with violence and gossip related drama among women. I guess I was very sheltered from the element of people that I see on TV. On TV they make it seem as though everyone has deceit and and ulterior motives in their heart. Maybe I’m just naiive. Yeah. I think that’s it. I expect everyone to come correct with goodness in their hearts just like I would.
That’s a reason why some people would say I’m gullible. I always want to believe the best in people because most times I couldn’t imagine the “wrong” that they could have in their heart. It doesn’t even cross my mind. Like, I can leave loose dollar bills around my house and still have company over without ever considering that some of my money would be taken. Why would someone I love enough to allow into my home take something from me? It doesn’t make sense.
It doesn’t. But it happens. It happened to my Mama. One of my cousins stole liquor from her bar after spending a few hours visiting. I couldn’t believe it.
My Mother’s Day was unevenetful. I woke up early and drove over to my Mama’s house to help my sister make her breakfast. When my sister went to church, my Mama and I watched one of her favorite movies, Imitation of Life. She LOVES, LOVES the scene were Sarah Jane gets beat up by her boyfriend on the street. She plays it over and over and laughs and LAUGHS!
~smile~ My Mama is crazy. Since I didn’t have my sons this weekend I went on home and tried to go back to sleep but what can I say- I’m loved.
My phone WOULD NOT STOP RINGING!
Every single person that I know in this world must have called me or texted me today to show me some Mother’s Day love. Ofcourse, the first one I heard from was B. He is too sweet for words. I promise, most of these people calling me were not even saved in my phone. I heard from old booty calls, old friends from college and the usual crew from across the country.
On the real, Mother’s Day is more special to me than my birthday. Everyone has a birthday but not everyone is a mother.
I wear my stretch marks with pride. Uh..no I don’t, but you get my point.
I picked up my boys around 5pm and they both greeted me with big hugs and kisses. We came home and had a snack before cuddling up to watch a movie together. Now they are on their way to bed and I’m about to fix myself a drink and chill out. Dude says he’s going to come over later.
Later…
I don’t know about this.
Yes I do. I know for a fact that this relationship??? is going absolutely nowhere. The last time he was with me I turned to him and asked, “Um, can you tell me what we have in common?” He closed his eyes and smiled. He was silent for all of 30 seconds when I shook my head at him. “Why do we hang so much if we never have anything in common to talk about?” I asked him. “We chill,” he said. “I think that’s enough. Don’t you enjoy yourself?”
He puts up with all my questions and my insecurities and I like that about him. He is always telling me I need to relax. I don’t know how. I don’t want to be this uptight. I’m afraid to admit this but I think I’m hooked…on his male parts.
Yeah, yeah…I’m supposed to be strong and mean and quick to cut a man’s throat, but with him…Man, it’s so good to me. It fits perfectly and that’s hard to find. After having two kids things are just not the same “down there”.
Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize for enjoying sex so much with him. How can I, a card carrying Christian, enjoy sex when I KNOW I’m supposed to wait until one magical day when a man appears as a gift from God? Why am I so sensual? Am I a hoe? Naw, hoes get paid. I get nothing.
Nothing but the best and most intense orgasms I’ve seen in a long time and I get to experience them on a regular basis. I would PAY for my friends to get what I’m getting. ~sigh~
I’ve been trying to cut him off. I’ve been trying to make it tough for him but I can not. I console myself by saying, “At least I’m not trading my cootchie for some company.” A lot of women do that, you know, have sex with men just to get them to keep coming back and hoping they will fall in love.
I used to do it too. I used to lay there motionless waiting for them to finish because I wanted someone to come talk to me and pretend like they like me.
I remember telling one of them, “Even if it’s not real, it feels good right now.” How sad.
Temporary satisfaction could lead to regret. Blah..I’m preaching to myself right now. I’m trying to get up the courage to leave Dude alone. I want to, but I don’t want to. Shit. I hate that the treatment I get from him is the best treatment I’ve gotten in years solely because he doesn’t criticize me like all the other men who were trying to “fix” me. Sometimes I ask him if there’s anything I can improve and he just looks at me and says No.
I don’t believe for one minute that he is completely satisfied with me. He knows I don’t cook. He knows I don’t clean. I’m waiting for him to walk away from me. I NEED him to walk away from me. I EXPECT him to walk away from me. I HOPE he does it soon. I can’t take the anticipation. It’s like torture.
~breathe~ Yeah..I’m uptight as hell about everything right now. Nothing has changed about my situation. But Dude’s company offers a chance for me to relax and not think about it all. When I’m with him all I think is, “Damn…how can I make this feeling last forever?”
Hooked. Shook. And I have no idea where I’m going to live this summer. My landlord increased my rent by $200. I was already paying a grand a month for a 2 bedroom/1 bath duplex. I have less than 6 weeks to find a new place and with no savings and very little income it’s gonna take a miracle.
I love this place. It is the perfect size and location and everything. Man, I don’t want to go back to an apartment. I don’t want to go back to government housing.
Naw…I’m not even gonna allow myself to trip. I’ll go crazy if I slip into depression. God is so wonderful. He won’t let me get crazy anymore. He won’t let me freak out. I’m thankful. I’m grateful and I’m gonna excercise faith that although my life may not go tit for tat with what the Bible says- God loves me anyway and He will take care of me.
Oh yea…I saw the movie SAVED this weekend. I’ll touch on that another day.