Rainy Days

My uncle died yesterday.

It began storming the minute my cousin called with the news and the heavens poured down for the rest of the day. I slept and cried. Slept and cried.

Two months ago he announced to our family that he was HIV positive. He’s not the same uncle that I saw taking a nap on the sidewalk last summer who is also HIV positive. I don’t know where that uncle is. I now have two uncles who have suffered from this disease.

I guess you kinda think that stuff like that only happens to other people. You think it could never be you. But I’ve realized that I had so many hopes for myself and I never thought I’d be a Baby Mama struggling the way I am, so reality is for everyone, not just those who think they are above the laws of life.

I don’t fear death. To me, death is the open door to a wonderful place. Rest for the weary. Peace for the frazzled minds.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t WELCOME death. It’s just…I can’t imagine my life getting any more joyful than it is now. My sons..~whew~ They saturate my life with so much love and happiness. I can’t imagine feeling any happier than this.

My writing is going very slowly. I need deadlines. I need structure. I need guidance. But hey..I’m still fumbling around trying to put myself out there and I’m doing my best with what I have.

Cross your fingers for me, okay? I’m really leaving Dude alone this time. It’s not that he’s mean to me. It’s just that I want so much more and he’s either unable or unwilling to give it to me despite the effort I put into making sure he’s happy. It’s okay. Everyone has the right to give as much as they want or as little. I just happen to give a lot (and want a lot). I’m sure someday I’ll meet my match.

I’m feeling kinda ho-hum and powerless because I don’t know what’s about to happen in my life. Yesterday I went to a center to see about getting help with housing and they basically told me they couldn’t help someone like me.

Housing centers are for people who are homeless. The financial assistance programs are for people who have been given FINAL NOTICES on their rent or their bills and I’m not at that point. Thanks to the generosity of my friends my bills are paid for May. We’ll see what happens when June 1st rolls around.

Sometimes I allow myself to slip into this pitiful abyss. It only lasts a minute though. All of my life I’ve been searching for someone to show me the way to success. I’ve found that my journey is my own and no one can help me. It’s scary to be out here by myself, but I can’t just crawl into a hole and die. My kids need to see me succeed. They need to know that they have a strong mama who made it despite and because I have always celebrated being…me.

Of all the things I want in this world, I want to be a mama my sons can be proud of. I want to show them enough love that they can grow up to have loving relationships with others. I want them to respect authority but despise the common thought. I don’t want my children to be sheep, desperately chasing the latest trend. I want them to celebrate their uniquness and recognize that their gift to this world is the very thing that makes them different.

I never want to be ordinary or fit in with the crowd. I’ll never be that chick who gets along with everyone.

Why would anyone want that?