The Aftermath of Intimacy

At the beginning of this year I made a promise to myself that I would no longer have random hook ups with men simply to satisfy my need to be touched and receive pleasure. I figured that unless I met a man who was ‘relationship material’, I would not deal with him.

So I met this guy I call Dude and right away I knew that we weren’t a good fit because he reminded me so much of my type of man. The same ‘type’ of men that usually doesn’t appreciate me or contribute anything positive to my life.

I almost cut him off immediately when he showed that he was a bit inconsiderate but after listening to my friends who suggested that I talk to him about his inconsistencies, I spoke to him and lo and behold, behold and lo, he changed his actions.

So there I was, extremely happy that he cared enough about my feelings to compromise and ofcourse we were having a great time in the bedroom. But those issues I noticed when we first started talking began to resurface. He seemed nice enough but I kept getting the feeling that he did not believe in the possibility of a woman really loving him and treating him well because of his past negative experiences.

I tried to work with him, teaching him how I wanted to be treated and really trying to show him that I am a good woman and I would be down for him. If he had told me that he wanted to be with me, I would have honestly given it a try. But it seemed as though the only time things went like clockwork was when we were doing the do.

We didn’t enjoy the same type of movies, music or jokes. But we did enjoy laughing together at the various reality shows we were into, and we spent so much time cuddling and getting each other excited physically that there seemed to be no gap in interest. But there was.

Last night he came over and we did the usual routine, watch a movie, drink a little and cuddle up. We got to talking and I told him that we were getting a bit too loose sexually and that we needed to take a break from each other or we would end up facing a situation that we didn’t need to face at this point in our lives. He agreed and we parted ways early this morning, promising to keep in touch.

I miss him already but not enough to call him to come over. And I don’t think I’ll keep him on as a booty call. I really wanted someone to provide companionship for me during these rough times and he did that, but I lost a little of myself—all over again —as I tried to be the perfect woman for him and then realized that he didn’t value my efforts or treat me in the same way.

A good friend of mine told me that in relationships people usually give what they expect to receive. That spoke to me because I did everything I could to make him comfortable. I went above and beyond to affirm him and encourage him to want more for himself. In the end, all that sweetness that I had been yearning to give away went to hell because..he still did not want to be with me.

Maybe I gave too much.

I wonder about that sometime. I’m too nice to men when I really like them. I give them the treatment that should be reserved for a man who has committed himself to me. But I don’t know how to turn it off. My greatest desire is to make the people around me feel important and worthy and appreciated.

I’m giving away the goodies to men who don’t deserve it or value it and it is making me seem as though my goodies aren’t so..good.

No one just gives away something of great value.

I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

I’m not angry at men like I usually would have been. I just chalk it up to the game and am satisfied that I gave my all and was really good to him. The fact that he didn’t want that has nothing to do with me. It could be a number of reasons why he was not receptive to me but in any case, I didn’t do him dirty or live up to his negative expectations of women.

I was myself.

But now it’s over and I’m relieved even though I miss his time and attention so much.

It’s hard trying to make up for a lifetime of pain in someone else’s life. My gift of encouraging and my desire to share in the lifetime success of those around me is also my curse.

I hope one day he finds what he is looking for but I’m thankful that we were adult enough to end it now, before things got out of hand.

I really hope I never have to tell a story like this again. But that’s a risk you take when you hope for love. Maybe I’ll do things differently next time. Maybe I’ll slow down a bit more and be less eager to please.

I don’t know. But I know I’m okay with things right now. Even though I sincerely miss his kiss.