A Rough Patch

I’m having a problem developing relationships. Its so weird cuz I used to be that girl that everyone wanted to be around. I used to be very popular and upbeat and I think ppl admired my drive.

I was voted Best Personality once and Most Popular when I was in highschool and things didnt really change when I came to college…until I met my children’s father at the tender age of 19. Everything went downhill from there. I was more bitter, more reclusive. All those years before I had battled with depression and low self-esteem, but no one knew, cuz I always appeared happy and successful. When I met him all that hidden turmoil just came to the surface as I tried to become the woman he wanted.

Now, Im much better about the depression, but nothing like I was before. I isolate myself. I dont really talk to anyone much. I hide behind my children, using them as an excuse not to have anyone around. I convince myself that I dont need anyone, that I can do it all on my own and I have been, but I dont think that it HAS to be this way.

Since Ive become a recluse and I feel like Ive changed so much Im afraid. Im afraid to open up to people and allow them to get to know me. I’m afraid to be rejected. So many cliques to break through at church. These ppl have been together for years and love each other and how can I fit into that picture? Usually I dont even try, I just go home and play with my sons. But its a battle inside because honestly, I LOVE GAINESVILLE. I wouldnt mind having my children grow up here. Its so sweet and quiet. The only thing is, I dont have any friends here. So, it gets rough when I’m working a job that I’m not really interested in and then I have no outlet for fun. So its work all day and then home to take care of my sons and then go to sleep. And I get lonely and just wanna kick it sometimes and I want my friends to move here but they hate Gainesville.

When did Te-Erick turn into this kind of person? I’m cool. I’m chill. I’m funny. Why cant it show to others?

You know people are always watching the ppl who were popular in highschool, I think sometimes they are waiting for them to fail.

I must admit, I fell off, but it aint over yet.