For All Of the Dreamers
From TD Jakes- Listen….
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part4
Part 5
I was born to do this and I’m BAD when I do it!
I love you…
Summer Lovin
It’s been a crazy transition into the summer. Here in Dallas, it’s been raining for the past 2 months. All of this being cooped up inside of the house has me fantasizing about someone to snuggle with. Yeah I have all of these rigid standards for the men I engage myself with so I have to embrace the fantasy until I meet my Knight.
I don’t have any summer romance stories so I’ll make one up.
My Summer Love
I’m at the car wash, wearing my cut off shorts, a wife beater and some flip flops. My sunglasses are perched atop my head as my brow tingles from the summer sun. My thoughts turn to a conversation that a friend and I had about our engagement ring requirements. She’s a trip, but that convo made me fine tune my fantasies about the perfect ring.
“I am not going to do this by myself, ” I resign and look around to see if there are any men available to fall victim to my damsel in distress routine. Before I do a full 360 turn I hear footsteps behind me and I turn around and gaze up at the most spectacular looking man I’ve seen since I’ve been here. He’s about 5’10”, athletic build with the most amazing smile I’ve ever seen.
“You want me to take care of that for you?” he asks and I see that he’s wearing a white tee like mine but his cargo shorts are crisply pressed and his tan sandals look brand new.
“Why thank you!” I coo innocently as he removes the hose and brush and begins to scrub the top of my car.
“What’s your name?” I ask him.
“It’s Sean and yours?”
“I’m Tee.”
“You’re not from around here are you?”
“How did you know?” I ask in my best surprised tone. Everyone tells me that, so I’m unimpressed.
“Uh..Your Florida tags.”
“Oh yeah,” I blush. “Um..thanks for the help Sean.”
“My pleasure,” he mumbles as he gives me a once over. By this time he’s moved on to the my passenger door and he’s doing a great job. His hands are all soapy and I can see beads of sweat running down his forehead.
I reach into my car and grab a tissue. I walk over to him and he pauses.
“Let me get that for you,” I say and wipe the liquid from his face.
“Look at you,” he says and smiles. “You act like that all the time?”
“Whenever I get the chance to,” I reply as I toss the tissue into the garbage bin and fold my arms with a smirk.
“How often do you get the chance?”
“Not often.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m picky about who I take care of.”
He laughs as he sprays my car down with the hose. “I’m the same way.”
“Please let this fine ass man ask me for my number!” I pray.
“So…What are you getting into today?” he asks.
“I was headed to the Half Priced book store to browse. What are you up to?”
“I was headed that way myself.”
“For real?” I ask with wide eyes.
He laughs. “Naw…But I am now.”
“Are you done with your car?” I ask him, curious to see what he’s driving.
“I was just about to drive away when I noticed you and something told me that you needed help.”
“Well, I appreciate it,”I say. “I can take it from here.” I grab a towel from my car and begin to dry the hood. He walks over to me and gently removes the towel from my hand. “That’s my job,” he says.
I melt.
Yes, I am a princess and I should not be relegated to doing physical labor. I’m glad he recognizes that.
After he’s done the red paint on my car is shining and I grin.
“THANKS! You should open a car wash business!”
“Well…I have enough on my plate, but I’ll keep that in mind. Why don’t we grab something to eat, I’m hungry.”
“Um…sure. I’ll follow you.”
“Here’s my card in case we get seperated,” he says and hands me a shiny blue card from his wallet.
I watch him and those fine ass legs walk over to a Black Charger with dark tints and shiny rims. I hop into my car and look at the card in my hand.
I grin. CEO…
Yeah Daddy…
This must be my lucky day.
Blessed Dreams
I was up all night last night. The worries and fears of a future unknown engulfed my mind sending me into a tailspin.
I know what triggered this relapse. It’s the promise of God being manifested in the spirit. Something is happening, unknown to me. Somewhere, something is working in my favor. My rational mind doesn’t want me to believe it. It constantly reminds me of the people in my past who don’t like me or agree with how I’m living. I fight those thoughts off with affirming words and a constant reminder that I am the daughter of the Most High King. Everything makes way for me. Everyone is a link in the chain towards my divine destiny. No one can stand inthe way of my blessing no matter how hard they try.
Once I fell asleep around 5am, I had the most wonderful dream. I took a trip to see my sons and when I put my arms around them, I experienced the most joyful sensation known to man.
Far greater than any orgasm or full body massage. Much more spiritual than a first kiss from your true love. Feeling the warmth from my baby’s embrace brought a peace to my spirit. I kissed them and hugged them and we went for a walk as I listened to them chatter about anything and nothing.
A ringing noise woke me from my ultimate fantasy. I opened my eyes and looked at my phone sitting near my head next to my laptop. Kim.
When I answered I guess we had a bad connection because I couldn’t hear her, but I knew she was calling me from the airport before her early morning flight to Miami for the holiday.
I drifted off to sleep and was greeted by my sons once again. This time we were in a school and their toys were everywhere. We walked down the hallways, picking up toys and talking to each other.
My phone rang again, waking me.
I blinked a few times and saw Kim’s name on the caller ID. I answered and she greeted me, “Hey girl, Happy 4th of July.”
“Hey girl. You made it?”
“Yeah girl, it feels so weird to be back here. I guess I’m so used to being in Chicago and the way things look there.”
“I’m sure. Now lemme try to go back to sleep I was dreaming about my boys and it felt so good to see them.”
“Girl, don’t you worry. We’re planting the seeds now. Pretty soon you’ll be able to see your boys as much as you want to. You’ll be able to have them with you or at least fly out and see them at a moment’s notice. Don’t worry, it’s coming. God didn’t bring you this far not to give you the desires of your heart. You’ll see.”
“Thanks girl.”
I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just hung out around the house. It’s funny how I can have fun all by myself. I don’t know anyone who spends as much time alone as I do, but I’m okay with it. I don’t get on my own nerves. I enjoy being alone.
My phone rang again and it was my sister. “Mama asked me to call you because she said you don’t answer when she calls.”
I laughed. “Put her crazy behind on the phone.”
“Hey girl!” My Mama said. “You know we done cooked a whole bunch of food. We grilled early this morning and I’m glad we did because it looks like it’s about to pour down raining.”
“It’s been raining here a lot lately too.”
“Yeah I wanted to ask you about those floods. It’s all over the news.”
“Well, I heard about the floods but there are none where I live. Next time you see a report, try to see where they are talking about. I live on the north side of Dallas.”
“So how things going? You wrote anything lately on the site?”
I gulped. “No Mama, not lately.”
No, I haven’t told my Mama that I left the website. I don’t want her to worry. When I first started working there she told me that it took her a minute to tell her co workers because she knows me. “Girl, you know how you are,” she said with a laugh. “People don’t pay you right or don’t treat you right and your ass is outta there in a minute! Now I told everybody and they all put the website as their homepage so they can go and read your stories at work.”
“Well Mama I only do that because I know what I am worth. If a company doesn’t value that then It’s not the place for me. I really wish I could find my place.”
“Girl, I saw the boys before they left to their other Grandma’s house. They are so big and looking good. You know their Granddaddy is spoiling them. Sugarbear asked for a PSP but I don’t know if he should have that yet even though he said he beat all the games we bought him for his gameboy. But you know I can’t tell your Grandaddy nothing. If I didn’t put my foot down, he’d spend our mortgage on them boys and I ain’t having that!”
I laughed.
“Girl, don’t you worry about them boys. They good where they are with their Daddy. They are getting so much love down here. You just keep doing what you doing and go for yours it’s your time to make something of yourself.”
I almost cried but I didn’t want her to be annoyed by me. I’m so glad that my Mama approves of what I’m doing. Throughout all of this she hasn’t discouraged me at all. I think it delights her that I’m doing so much traveling. She seems to see it all as an adventure. I send her postcards from wherever I go but today she asked for pictures of the celebrities I meet.
“Aww Mama, I don’t want to collect pictures with random celebrities. That’s dumb to me. Why would I treasure a 2 minute meeting with a celebrity when they haven’t taught me anything and we aren’t really friends? The stories I write about them are good enough for me. That’s proof enough.”
“Well, how about this. How about you start taking pictures for your Mama. I want to see and show everybody at work. They are always asking about you and I tell them and they say, ‘I wish she was my daughter.'”
I could hear her smiling through the phone.
She never acted like this when I was younger. I seriously thought she didn’t like me. Now all I get is love and encouragement. Her words bless me more than she’ll ever know. She doesn’t have to tell me she loves me, I know she does.
When I got off the phone with her I was in heaven. A blessing from Mama always hits the right spot. I danced around my empty living room and plopped down on my makeshift bed to flip through the channels. My eyes lit up when I saw the opening credits for Sleepless in Seattle. I love that movie!
“I’m going to cry at the end,” I promised myself and settled down happily to watch the romance flick.
Ahhh…I think life should be just like that. One day…a chance meeting, someone takes a risk and then….as easily as a hot knife through butter you see the person and…and..you’re in love.
I don’t want to go through the push and pull of trying on different men for size. I don’t want to go through the heartache of breaking up and making up. I just want…to KNOW. And I want his testimony to be that he loved me from the moment he laid eyes on me. Sounds like a fantasy? Well, look at my life. Fantasies do come true.
As I sat and worried myself about the choices I’ve made and the friends I’ve lost I found peace that every good thing that God has for me, will not be withheld. Who wants to hold onto friends who won’t support your dream? God removed them and made the remaining friendships stronger. Who wants to hold onto a job that isn’t trying to support your success? God can give me better. God can give me more. I don’t have to cry everyday to take hold of my dream. God doesn’t want that for me in a workplace or in a relationship. He wants me to be happy.
The thing about the past is, you can’t do a damn thing about it so dwelling on it simply means you have too much free time. I do have more free time lately so I try to keep busy with my website and reading my favorite books over and over for encouragement. I’m already meeting great people through the interviews that I am conducting for my website.
And it’s exactly the type of stories I’ve always wanted to write. I get to ask successful people how they became successful and they share encouraging stories about breaking free from negativity and overcoming obstacles. As much as this site will encourage others, it’s also encouraging me….and it hasn’t even launched yet! LOL!
I was invited out to see fireworks and then have drinks afterward but I didn’t accept the invitation. Sometimes I feel more lonely when I’m in a room full of strangers than I do when I’m home alone. Besides, one of the main reasons that I don’t date is because I don’t know who these men are and I don’t want them parading me around town when I’m brand new and know nothing about their reputation or intentions.
Today I decided not to spend any more time with men, alone. It’s not worth the hassle of them coming on to me and I don’t want to fall into someone’s bed during a moment of weakness. If it’s not a group thing then I’m not participating. That should help me see who is really true about being a friend and who’s not. I have no problem walking away from a man who doesn’t treat me in the manner that I deserve. I know what I am worth.
It’s dark out now and I do want to see fireworks so maybe I’ll take a short drive to see if there are any in my neighborhood. My friends would KILL me if they knew I spent the entire day inside.
As I let go of my imaginary boyfriends I can feel God’s promise for a real man, growing stronger. No more wondering if he likes me or when he’ll take notice of my swagger. It’s time for a new thing, a REAL thing and I am practicing patience while I wait for him. As great as Kanye and The Prez are, maybe God has someone even more fine, more creative and more brilliant for me. I still do admire those men and I really hope that the women they choose will be as good to them as I would have been. I see the brilliance in both of them and would have only added to their shining light. But…it wasn’t meant to be and I’m okay with that.
My reality often exceeds my fantasy and I can’t WAIT to see what will happen next!
Impending Splendor
Today is my son’s 5th birthday.
I called him early this morning and he said, “Guess what Mama? It’s my birthday.” I laughed, thinking back to the conversation I had with Anna. She said, “Why do these kids think this is only a monumental day for THEM?”
We laughed and laughed. “Yeah,” I agreed. “Like our lives didn’t change forever that day too!”
“I was cute and skinny before that day!” she joked.
“I was free and easy before that day!” I added.
My baby told me that his grandma bought him two slip n slides for his birthday. I sent him a book. My Mama will probably get him a video game or something when he gets back to Miami.
I miss my boys.
I remember five years ago I was on that delivery table. All of my friends were there, Mimi, Jenny, Sharon and their Daddy was there too. If you don’t have kids you don’t understand what it means to just do or die.
When it’s time to push, it’s time to push and there’s no way out. You can cry and whine and try to get up and go home but unless you buckle down and face that pain, you won’t ever feel relief. Kinda feels like where I am right now. The painful part is knowing that my kids want to be back with me and I am unable to take care of them due to my own actions. The relief will come when I can pick them up from the airport and take them with me to our new home, complete with a nanny and house servants and a fine, smart man with glasses.
For a minute there I doubted my ability to be a full time Mom again. But I want to. I need to. I need to give them the gift of me and I need to reap the benefits of all of those years of hardship. I didn’t struggle with them not to see the reward. My boys will be back with me and I will be able to take care of them for the rest of their childhood. It’s just taking a minute…that’s all. Ain’t nobody helping me but God. The little blessings here and there keep me from starvation while I stand behind the principles that I believe in. And I stand behind God’s word that if He gave me the vision for it, He has equipped me for it and it will come to pass, regardless of who believes in my dream.
Why can’t I be a regular person who just sits and reads blogs all day while collecting their paycheck? Why do I require more?
I write as though no one will read this. I release my thoughts for me, though they seep out into the world and affect mindsets and cause emotional outbursts.
I ain’t trying to incite a riot or be a role model, I was just looking for a little spot to be me. That’s why I created this blog. I just wanted to write and be me and then people started peeking in and it made me a little uncomfortable at first but then I figured…they don’t know me. And even if they did…I don’t owe anyone any explanations for the path I choose for my life. My life is MY LIFE. I pay the consequences. I reap the benefits of the seeds I sow. I feel the pain, no one else.
I still fantasize about living lavishly after profiting from giving my gift, though for some reason, those dreams are less frequent.
On the forefront of my mind is staying at peace with myself throughout all of the criticism and advice giving. I promise, I have NEVER been given so much pressure/advice before in my life, when I never even asked for it. This shows concern but it also annoys me because…Dude…I only value advice from someone who is living the type of life that I hope to live.
Sometimes I want to look at people and say, “Who told you I valued your advice?” But I don’t. I politely listen as they sternly tell me what they think I should be doing and where I am going wrong. I listen, then I forget it as soon as they leave because I do not make decisions the same way others do, my mind is on another plane. Even my close friends and I think amazingly differently and I never ask my friends for advice. Not even Kim. I may ask them what they think AFTER the fact..but I usually don’t even do that. Cuz it doesn’t matter. It’s MY LIFE.
I trust myself to make the best decisions for my life and I appreciate the people who try to equip me with the toold necessary to succeed in lieu of random emotionally charged advice born out of frustration or despair.
I have no one to hold my hand so I have to be a big girl.
No success stories came before me in my family so I have to figure it out myself.
I have no one’s back to climb on after year’s of their hard work.
I have no one who has taken a vested interest in me enough to guide me along the way.
Yeah..I be fucking up, but how can I not when I’m going through completely unfamiliar territory? That’s why my heart is focused on securing the success and information necessary to be able to pull others up in the way that I wish I had been.
I haven’t found the answers yet but as I am learning to move past my failures, I promise to share the life lessons with everyone I know. I promise to care enough to teach you.
What was it that Ana left in the comments section? A quote from someone that read: I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that do not work.
Man…I promise you this story has a happy ending. I can’t skip over the middle part though, it will help me to appreciate the impending splendor so much more.
Dirty Little Secrets
I have some confessions to make that I’ve been holding back for fear of shame. Here goes…
Almost Kissed
I almost kissed a man recently. Well, he almost kissed me. I was dumbfounded when he went for it. I didn’t know what to do so I jetted out of there as quickly as I could. Since we were in a public place I didn’t think about having to watch out for him making a move on me. Ever since that day I cringe when I think about it.
I feel bad. Not because of my future husband. (His behind is getting on my nerves ALREADY with all this hiding out crap. Come out of hiding, whoever you are, because we have work to do!)
And…Not because I dissappointed God, because I didn’t really.
I feel bad because it seems that men just see me as sex objects or something they want to possess. If I don’t give them what they want, they get pissed and move on. I feel bad because I can’t believe I didn’t know that he was trying to come on to me. I was being naiive thinking he thought I was cool.
I’m thinking of becoming a nun.
It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I spend so much time in communication with God that I figured, “This must be what nuns do.” I like it.
I want to hide God inside of me. I want to horde him and have him all to myself. I don’t know if I want to be a part of this crazy world. I already feel like I’m not. I love the way He loves and takes care of me. I want Him to live in me, continuing to encourage me and guide me in a most loving way.
Maybe I don’t have to be a nun to have all of that, but if I were a nun, my only job would be to seek His face.
I don’t know how this new vision lines up with my old vision of being a swinger. I’ll have to pray about that.
I still think about my BBDD sexually.
I still think he’s attractive and sometimes I sit and remember how we used to be “friends”. He was my number one hanging partner in college. Even though he will probably say he never loved me and he never respected me and so on…He’s lieing. We loved each other once upon a time.
I feel like one of those butch lesbians because I’m so dominating.
If it were my choice, I would be one. That’s how I know you don’t choose your sexuality. I think it’s a spirit and a natural preference just like your preferences for certain foods. The only thing is…the thought of seeing a vagina up close disgusts me.
I sure do appreciate the beauty and sexiness of a woman. There’s nothing like it!
I want to be submissive.
But I haven’t found anyone strong enough to submit to. It’s really about trust. I don’t trust anyone enough to listen to them completely and honor them in that way. But I’d like to. I’m tired of being the driver and telling everyone what to do and making all of the demands for what I know I deserve.
I’d like to sit back and stop being the MAN eventually. I want to be a lady. A prissy, can’t even touch the doorknob, “my baby is too precious to walk in the rain” type of lady. And I want to sit down and serve my king like I’m his number one lady in waiting. I love to serve!
I’ll wear anything you like. Booty shorts and a halter top? The pink ones or the blue ones, babe? A maid’s outfit? Sure…as long as I don’t really have to clean. I’m sooo into role playing honey. As long as you take good care of me, I want your happiness and pleasure to be a top priority in my life. Anything you ask will be replied with, “Whatever pleases you sir.” LOL! It’s funny but I am being so serious. I don’t want control all the time.
Ahh… My secret desires…served nice and hot with a soda on the side.
I was BORN to do this!
I know people everywhere struggle with realizing their purpose in life. I guess I’m blessed to have always known what I was purposed to do.
I don’t call myself a journalist, I call myself an inspirational journalist. I do this because every piece that I write has a message of hope and empowerment. My mission is to give to others the very things I seek most; love, acceptance, encouragement, honor.
I am blessed to be able to connect with others who see the promise in me. I am blessed to be able to deliver an outstanding product through God who works through me.
Through the development of my website I will admit, I was a little nervous because I’m not a powerhouse like BAW. I don’t have a respected person like The Radio Man to vouch for me. As I reach out to successful people for interviews and partnerships I have to convince them to believe in me when they have no real proof of what I can do or who I am.
It’s a little unnerving if I think of things in the natural realm but as I realize that God is backing me, even through my imperfections, I am secure in knowing that I will get to the place where I know I deserve to be.
I’m filled with love and honor for God right now because I just got off the phone with Rob & Keisha, the now infamous couple from the slide show. I contacted them for an interview hoping to sell the story to a publication and make money to feed myself. So far, none of the publications have gotten back to me and my sister suggested that I use the story on my own website. I frowned thinking, “They don’t know me. They won’t believe in my dream. Why should they?”
But God does.
When she called me I was elated, but even more so after she began questioning me about my background and my intentions for the story. To date the slide show has been viewed over 60 million times by people in over 38 countries. Yes, this story is HOT!
Her personality is similar to mine in that we both are very direct with what we require and we both know what we deserve. She explained to me that so many journalists from around the country have reached out to her to get their story and she has not spoken to anyone else. She told me that she is a very private person and that she didn’t want her story to be manipulated by the media, she wanted someone she could trust. She said that she trusts that God will protect her interests and lead her in the right direction.
Of all the journalists that contacted them, she chose me to tell her story.
We spoke for almost two hours as she recounted the details surrounding their courtship, their dating period and then the marriage proposal.
As I listened to the friendly banter between the couple, I was able to ask them key questions that brought peace to my spirit and confirmed that I too, will one day receive all of the blessings that God has for me, if I continue to seek Him and His righteousness.
By the end of the conversation, I mentioned that I would probably have follow up questions and she told me that she would like for me to call her anytime, even if it’s is not about the story.
I’m so happy for the connection in spirit.
I’m so glad that I was able to reach out to the photographer who shot the pictures and somehow we connected too. I have a feeling that the heart with which I approached him, led him to speak to the couple on my behalf and they trusted his judgement.
Even when you feel like a little ant in a big world, if you serve God in truth and trust Him, He will bring about the most fantastic reality for your life. I may not be experiencing it right now, but I know that it is coming. It’s already done. My life is blessed and I am blessed to be His honored servant.
Life’s blessings may not come the way that you envision them, but if you serve and honor God, they will come with even more glory and favor than you have ever known. Their story has taught me so much about myself and I can’t wait to honor them for blessing me and trusting me to represent them in truth.
This ability to connect with strangers and gain their trust is God’s gift to me. I love writing and editing and empowering people just as much as I love myself. This gift is a part of me and I am so thankful that I am walking in my divine destiny.
I was BORN to be an inspirational journalist and I am BAD when I do it!
Out In The Streets
Last Friday Shawna invited me to have lunch downtown. Because of the messed up directions from google maps I got lost and she had to tell me to park and she would come find me. By the time we made it downtown we didn’t have time to have lunch so she sent me off with a blessing and encouraged me to walk around and see downtown.
My biggest question is: HOW DO YA’LL KEEP THIS CITY SO CLEAN?!!!
I felt the ache of true love as I wandered through the streets of downtown like a tourist. This feeling I have…This thing I have…about this city…Man…this is a really beautiful place and it…It feels right.
I’m not sure what God has in store for me here but I’m happy to be here and I’m glad I made it safely through this leg of my journey.I grinned when I spotted the Black Woman’s Paradise…….
The hair store!
I had to stop in and reminisce on the days when I used to be all weaved up and cracked out. I even tried on a few wigs.
Afterwards I drove back home feeling lucky to be alive. I’ve got to stop sitting in the house so much. I have to start getting out and enjoying myself before my workload increases. Life is not all about work, although I enjoy writing stories and the process of creating a story brings me pleasure.
On Saturday I woke up feeling good, but the weight of loneliness soon captured me and my spirit sank. I picked up my book, THE GAME OF LIFE, and read a few pages to remind myself of where my imagination should be.
As soon as I sat down to write my phone chimed with a text message. It was Tommy, my old friend from UF who visited me at the office when I was still working for the website. “You wanna go out tonight,” He wrote.
YAY!
“You have to treat this time. I’m low on funds,” I shot back.
“Cool, I’ll call you in a little while.”
By the time he called I was laying down thinking about my future. “I’m getting off at your exit,”he told me.
“Damn boy! I’m nowhere near dressed!”
I gave him directions to my place and rushed to get ready. By the time he got here I was just putting on my lip gloss and I went outside to meet him.
He has the most warm smile I’ve ever seen.
I hopped into his truck and we greeted each other. “Ok, where are you taking me?” he asked.
“I was thinking we could go by the liquor store and pick up a bottle before we go out to the club. They don’t even check purses for weapons at this spot I’m taking you to. I’m wearing my big purse and we can hide the bottle inside because the drinks are really weak.”
“I was thinking the same thing,” he told me. “I wanted to pick you up a bottle as a late birthday present but when I went to the grocery store, they don’t sell liquor.”
“Liquor at the grocery store?
“In Chicago they sell liquor at the grocery store!”
When we got to the liquor store in Addison we walked around a little before asking a clerk to help us find a bottle.
“The state is closed,” The clerk informed us.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“In Texas after 9pm on Saturday, you can’t buy liquor.”
“WHAT?!!”
We walked out looking dissappointed but we rode down Beltline Road and found the spot I went to last week called Stone Trail. We went in and took a small table near the dance floor.
The music from the live band was playing softly at this point and Tommy and I looked at each other and laughed.
“We’ve come a long way from the Florida Theatre!” he announced, referring to an old club from our college days.
I laughed and he continued, “And don’t forget Sharky’s!”
I laughed and laughed. “What about Full Circle! Take it back to freshman year. That was my first college party with the Sigmas.”
“Yeah, I remember that,” he said. “This is a nice laid back atmosphere.”
“Yeah I like it too. The band is so energetic and they are really, really good.”
Tommy told me that he accepted a post doctoral position in Pasadena, California and I gasped. “You know what that means?” I asked him.
“What?”
“That means that this relationship with your girl may be the real thing. Remember I told you that if you got the position and moved closer to her, it could save your romance.”
“Yeah,” he said and his eyes glazed over. I smiled and looked away. This man is in love.
“Do you have any pictures of her?” I asked.
“On my phone, yeah.” He pulled out his phone and began clicking through the pictures with pride.
“She looks Puerto Rican..” I said to him and he laughed.
“Everyone says that! She’s Black.”
I stared down at a light skinned chick with wide eyes staring back at me.
“That was New Years Eve,” he told me as he showed me a pic of her kissing him on the cheek.
“What did you guys do?”
“We went to watch the fireworks on Lake Michigan and then we went out to a couple of clubs,” he sighed and continued. “We had so much fun.”
“Did you have secks when you got home?” I asked him.
He lowered his head and laughed. “Um..I’m sure we did.”
I sighed and thought to myself, “I can’t wait to have secks again.”
“That’s how it’s supposed to be Tommy,” I said to him. “You’re supposed to be with someone who you can have fun with. If you choose to marry someone who is your friend, you can have fun with her for the rest of your life.”
He stared down at his phone for a few moments more before snapping it shut and looking back up at me.
“I think this is it,” I assured him.
He grinned. “I think so too.”
“So tell me how you quit?” he asked. “Did you walk in there and slam the computer down and curse everyone out?!”
I died laughing. It’s funny because I left the website a few days after I last saw him when he TOLD ME SPECIFICALLY, “Don’t leave this job! This is the best job ever!”
“Naw..I just sent an email. I felt peace afterwards. You know I was sad when I was there. That wasn’t the right environment for me.”
“Well what about The Prez? Did you ever talk to him?”
“Naw…We broke up.”
He chuckled a bit before asking, “Why?”
“Cuz he ain’t remember my birthday. That shows he doesn’t care,” I said sadly.
“Does he have your number? Did he know it was your birthday?” he asked.
“No. But if he wanted to he could find out. He could ask me. He has my email.”
He shook his head at me. “Tee, it’s gonna take one special man to handle all of you.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I know.”
As the night wore on, we hesitated about getting into the swing of things. When they played the Cupid Shuffle, I grabbed his hand and led him to the dance floor. I laughed so hard! He had no idea what he was doing but he caught on quickly. He reminded me of Bill Cosby when he was dancing and I kept cracking up!
As the night wore on, the band and the DJ took turns entertaining the crowd. The band sang live and was simply marvelous. At times I stopped dancing just to watch them perform. It was so different from going out in Atlanta. When they played the Snap Ya Fingaz song NOBODY DID IT!
Not one person screamed AAAAAAAA!!! No one threw up the Atlanta sign. These people were indifferent. ~shrugs~ Tommy and I stood on the sidelines trying our best to get the snap dance right.
He then pulled me onto the middle of the dance floor to try to show me to how to step like they do in Chicago.
I couldn’t get it but I had fun trying! When they played Doin Da Butt, and Back Dat Ass Up we got loose! We danced and danced all night long and it felt great to have that kind of release.
When my feet started hurting I knew it was time to go so I led Tommy to a spot near the exit to people watch while I rested my feet. I did see a cutie in the crowd but ofcourse I didn’t say anything. Actually I saw quite a few. The women in there were well dressed and friendly. As women walked by I kept thinking, “I’d wear that dress. Nice dress. Cute shoes. I like that outfit!”
We left shortly after and we both relaxed in his truck as he drove me home.
“Today is the day of completion,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, 7-7-07. But…I don’t feel like anything has been completed.”
“Yes it has. Today you realized that your girl is the one for you. You weren’t so sure the last time we saw each other. Now you know. And I KNOW because you’re sitting next to a fine, sexy sista right now and all you can think about is her. That’s love.”
He looked over at me with a half-smile. “You’re right.”
When we pulled up to my apartment I wished him well on his trip to California and thanked him for taking me out.
“I really needed this,” I told him.
“I needed this too,” he said. “See ya later Tee.”
“Bye Tommy.”
I came inside and immediately took off my bra. Ahhhh…Relief. I hate wearing a bra. I wish I didn’t have to.
I sat down on my pallet and caressed my laptop.
Tommy is a nice guy. He’s living such a blessed life because he constantly makes the right decisions. He has a good heart too. I know he’s going to do well in life.
His family is going to be just like The Cosby’s.
100 Things I’ve Grown to Love About Myself
Take a look at the 2004 version of my 100 things list.
Then take a look at the 2005 version of my 100 things list.
I guess it’s time to tackle it again.
1. I am 100%, TOTALLY addicted to love.
2. I know it’s because it’s something that I have no control over and I’m a control freak.
3. I sometimes wonder if I would be so passionate about my career goals if I had the romantic love that I desire.
4. Blogging is pure pleasure and a release for me.
5. I would still write everyday if no one read it.
6. I believe organized religion was created to control the masses.
7. Although I speak to my friend Tamara less than I speak to all of my friends, she is the one person who knows me best.
8. I’m rarely jealous of other women because I think my flavor is unique and impressive and I don’t want to be like anyone else.
9. I loathe women who are spiteful, gossip or criticize others.
10. Then I have to repent for the loathing because that doesn’t please God.
11. In my mind, pleasing God is the only way to go because through giving honor to Him, he honors me.
12. Sometimes I pray that wanting honor from God is not a selfish motive.
13. Trusting myself to make the best decisions for my life was the best life change I’ve ever made.
14. I’m not cultivating my spiritual life in order to “get into heaven”. I never think about heaven. I’m living for my best life today.
15. I once asked myself, “Why do I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord & Saviour? Do I believe this because someone told me that this is the way or did Jesus reveal himself to me personally? What if someone had introduced me to Santeria as a young child? Would I be damned forever if that truth was all I knew?”
16. I keep a tally of all the people who have helped and encouraged me through my life. I plan to one day reward them handsomely.
17. I am more impressed by men with strong resumes than men with big penis’s or big muscles.
18. I know that I am a trilblazer and a non comformist but some days I don’t want to me.
19. I envy people who live regular, happy lives.
20. I can tell by the way people treat me, what their home life is like. I often find that people are who are not happy at home don’t support or respect others.
21. I have a strong spirit of discernment. Some call it an intuition or imagination but I can see beneath the surface of a person’s words or actions and sometimes I can “hear” the truth of their words in my heart even when they are too afraid/ashamed to admit the truth.
22. I am fearful at some point every day but I fight off that fear with the promise that, “Perfect faith negates all fear.”
23. I don’t read the Bible anymore.
24. All words have a rhythmic sound to me. Every commmunication holds a positive or negative vibration and I can feel it.
25. I don’t consider myself to be pretty all the time; only when i’m wearing makeup.
26. I prefer erotic stories to porn.
27. I don’t believe I was meant to work for someone else’s company but I try so hard when I’m working for someone because I honestly want to be a contributor to their success.
28. I used to be very insecure and weak minded, allowing others opinions of me to sway me.
29. I am no longer the person I used to be.
30. More than anything I want my sons to be proud of me because they are the only males I’ve ever known to show me unconditional love.
31. I treat my whole apartment like it’s my bedroom; I sleep in the living room on the floor, my bedroom is my closet and I have never had anyone besides the cable men in my house.
32. When I am bored I go back through my archives and read about my past.
33. I am my favorite blogger.
34. My friend told me I was selfish today. I think he is right in some respects. I can’t imagine putting someone else’s desires before my own.
35. Some people say that they still feel like a kid but I believe I am full grown.
36. After speaking to Kanye’s Mom, for some reason, I don’t admire him as much as I used to, I admire her more.
37. I will admit out loud the fact that— I WANT TO MAKE DALLAS MY HOME.
38. I was afraid to admit this out loud because I was fearful that God would have me move again.
39. God spoke to me in words, just once. That is why I know He is real.
40. I hope that my sons marry women who have a heart like mine.
41. The main reason that I write inspirational stories is because I need to hear them too.
42. I cry at some point, every single day.
43. I enjoy being emotional.
44. The reason that I am so open with who I am is because I hope that someone, somewhere will get to know the real me, and love me anyway.
45. I do believe that I am loveable. I didn’t always feel this way. I just don’t believe I have met a man who is strong enough to stand beside me in life.
46. Even though my BBDD was evil to me, I still fantasize about blessing him tremendously.
47. I think all of my friends are prettier and smarter than I am and it doesn’t bother me at all. It makes me feel proud.
48. If I tell a lie or treat someone badly, I get physically ill.
49. Compliments from random men don’t get me excited…but nice cars with nice rims do.
50. Insecure women exasperate me. I can spot them by their designer clothes, fake smiles and overly critical demeanor.
51. I’ve learned that truly “rich” people don’t care about being flashy with their wardrobe or lifestyle because they have nothing to prove to anyone.
52. I am currently self employed with no visible income, but I am happier than I have ever been on any job.
53. I have slept with a married man once before, right after I condemned my friend for doing it. The law of metaphysics states that what we condemn in others, we attract to ourselves. I will never condemn or do it again.
54. Reading THE GAME OF LIFE changed my life. I am a better person because of it.
55. I would rather work than “hang out”. I consider hanging out to be a waste of time.
56. I have loved truly loved 2 men in my lifetime, all of the others were just..conquests.
57. Of all the men I’ve lusted after, obsessed over or fantasized about, I have never felt anything like the feeling I experienced when I was in the presence of The Prez. It still confuses me.
58. It’s hard for me to grasp the concept that the man is supposed to pursue me because I like to be in control of who shows me attention. If I like you, I’m not into games. You don’t have to pursue. I’m not interested in making a man I like chase me even though society says that is the “proper” way to be.
58. When I hear people use the word “nigga” it bothers me. But I still use it, just never in reference to my children and I will never allow my sons to use that word.
59. When I receive emails and testimonies from readers who have gained inspiration or a life changing word from reading my blog, I cry with happiness in knowing that my growth is affecting someone in a positive way.
60. I love meeting my blog readers.
61. I have made out with another well known blogger before.
62. I believe persistence is the key to achieving any goal. If I never give up, how can I miss my mark?
63. I can’t stand my sister’s husband. When he hurts her, he hurts me. I often fantasize about kicking his ass and I can’t believe that she says God told her to deal with him but I love her anyway.
64. I am a deeply spiritual person, which means that I try to operate in the spirit of God at all times. I feel His fortress around me and that is why I feel safe to make the moves that I do.
65. I believe there is more than one path to knowing God and I honor anyone who is striving to be better for whoever he or she believes God to be.
66. My friends are like my family. I love them just as much.
67. I have forgiven my stepfather for abusing me as a child. I harbor no ill will toward him.
68. I now understand why my Mama made the decisions that she made with her life and I embrace the fact that she is human.
69. My friend Mimi used to be my biggest role model, but now I think of her more like a sister. She didn’t fall off, I just grew up and began to see the beauty and wisdom in me. I no longer long to be more like her, I accept and value the woman that I am.
70. I think I’d like to be a success coach one day, but I don’t see myself charging money for it. I believe wisdom and guidance should be given freely, expecting nothing in return.
71. I don’t see myself as a future Juanita Bynum or Oprah or Terri McMillan. I see myself as a brilliant Ms. Tee who has come to bring something fresh and inviting to the world as only I can bring.
72. I often reminisce about my college days but I don’t want to go back. It pains me to see people who are still living life like they are in undergrad. I feel like asking them, “When are you going to grow up?”
73. I love learning more than reading or writing and I attach myself to people who are smarter than I am in certain ways.
74. I do miss Miami but I no longer consider that to be my home.
75. I represent Liberty City, 17th ave and Dade County to the fullest. I am proud to say that Trina, Trick Daddy and Luke came from my hood. We’re more alike than you think.
76. I’m not holding out on secks for fear of being hurt. I truly believe that I am honoring the man who will one day stand beside me.
77. The last person I had secks with was JB.
78. He really hurt me but I know it was for the best. He texted me his goodbye, “You will always be mine, but I guess I’ll see you next lifetime.”
79. I strongly believe that God has been protecting me from myself by having these men walk away from me when I have shown them nothing but patience, love and honor.
80. I have had several men call back and apologize to me for trying to sleep with me. At the time I thought it was dumb because I wanted to sleep with them too, but now I see that God wanted me to save myself for the man He has for me.
81. I’m sorry for being such a hoe back in the day.
82. Ehh…No, I’m not.
83. I don’t regret anything I have done in my past because all of it led to me being who I am today.
84. I am proud of my friends and the women they are becoming.
85. I am becoming less accepting of people who are judgemental because no one has all the answers and I am irritated by those who think they do.
86. My favorite job EVER was working at the website but now I see how giving my all to them kept me from focusing on my own goals.
87. I miss the people I worked with at Rolling Out magazine in Atlanta. Of all the companies that I worked for I enjoyed the people I met there the most. It was a joy to go to work everyday and I never grew tired or annoyed by working there even though it was mundane.
88. I have a friend who I know has disrespected me behind my back, on several occasions, and I let it slide because..I believe she needs my love.
89. I wish I was a fairygodmother so that I could grant wishes all over the world.
90. I rarely tell an outright lie though the stories I tell are all colored by my emotions.
89. I don’t think anything is wrong with having a strong desire to be married as long as it doesn’t rule your life. How can you NOT think about marriage if you’re abstaining from secks and trying to please God with your life? I don’t know if I could withstand a 2 or 3 year dating period and then a long engagement once I meet the man who loves me with no limitations. How do people do that? I don’t think I’m that strong.
90. I don’t fear going to hell. Why should I be concerned with that when I’m all about righteous living?
91. People confess the most intimate truths to me because they trust that I won’t judge them. Sometimes it frightens me.
92. I’d give up my fantasy career for my fantasy love but thank God I don’t have to choose.
93. I honor everyone who crosses my path with words of praise and adoration because…some people never get to hear those kind of things.
94. I am NOT a people pleaser.
95. I believe that every Black person should recognize who they are. We were not meant to struggle in poverty and degradation. We endured captivity, death by sea, slavery and Jim Crow. We are more than survivors, we are unbreakable.
96. My internet friends mean a lot to me, I have known all of them for YEARS.
97. Facebook and Myspace bore me but if I had to choose which one was better, I’d choose facebook. There’s more to do.
98. I am very dominating…and I love that about myself.
99. I look forward to each of my friends finding their place in the world and building families. Even if I happen to be last to achieve those goals, I will still rejoice with them in true bliss.
100. I am at peace right now because I know God and God knows me.
PS- It took me an hour and a half to write this. Whew! YOUR TURN!
Wading Through My Feelings
I sometimes doubt what I’m doing and who I am and then I remember that I can only be me.
First and foremost on my mind is trying to be a blessing to everyone I meet, but I don’t always get it right. I don’t consider myself to be a failure even though by the standard definition I’m not successful at anything I have done so far.
I feel like I was led here, one foot in front of the other and when most people would have given up or ran backwards I pressed forward and remained strong. I don’t know why my life is like this, I only know I’m dealing with it the best way I can. I don’t know why I couldn’t make it to be able to take care of my kids, all I know is I tried so hard at every job I had and still none of them worked out.
I’m here and I can’t go back. I have to be faithful to who I am and what I’m working with. It’s not like I have any other choice in the matter. When I’m working at some random place and not using my gift, I don’t prosper and it seems that even when I’m using my gift to help others, they get pissed with me for being too gung ho and I still don’t prosper.
I am not a failure. I’m too brilliant to be one.
I spoke to my son the other day and he asked, “Mama, do you have an apartment for us yet?”
“No, baby, I don’t.”
There was a silence before he asked, “But it’s coming right? It’s coming Mama?”
“Yeah baby, I promise it’s coming.”
I’m not on crack or abusive to my kids or anyone for that matter. I still can’t figure out what’s wrong (?) with me where I can’t find my place though I am bold enough to seek it.
I feel so bad about my consistent desire to be supported and loved by a man. Is that selfish of me to think about my own needs as a living, breathing, thinking, feeling woman? I feel like I should only focus on being able to take care of my kids without any help from their father. Have I sacrificed enough? Obviously not.
Will I be able to deliver on my promise by continuing to have standards and morals in my life? Do I have to just take any job and allow the people there to treat me like trash so I can be have money and take care of my kids? Do I have to allow random men to seduce me in order to gain favor? By walking away from both of those scenarios am I abandoning ship?
I am an independent thinker. I’m not just swallowing the beliefs of others as truth. I ask God to reveal the truth to me and I wait to see what happens. I’m consistently evolving in my thought patterns and prejudices. I try to accept everyone as they are without pushing them to come with me. If you have peace in your life the way you live it, who am I to bring confusion by demanding that you seek peace the way I seek it? Who am I to stand and try to guilt trip you into loving God the way that I love and serve Him?
That is not my place. My place is to love and honor you. My place is to demand that I am treated as the prized woman that I am.
I wonder what happens to people like me. What does “people like me” mean anyway? I’ve never met anyone who lives or thinks like I do.
I know that there is a God and I know He sees everything I do.
I know He has me in this wilderness for a purpose even though I don’t see it, my Mama says all the time, “Girl, you ALWAYS get your blessing.”
Maybe it will come tomorrow. Maybe next week. But in the meantime I sit and I ask God to help me be the best mother, friend and artist that I can be. Help me to see my faults more clearly and to take corrective action immediately even if it hurts my pride. Help me to change who I am and become better equipped to handle this solo flight.
A Wireless Reunion
budeelicious81: DON’T IGNORE MEEEEEE!!!!!!
budeelicious81: BUZZ!!!
budeelicious81: lol
Ms.Tee: hey!
Ms.Tee: its been a long time!
budeelicious81: I knowwwww
budeelicious81: how are ya?
Ms.Tee: i miss my internet buddy!
Ms.Tee: so whats up with u?
budeelicious81: nothing at all
budeelicious81: chillin
budeelicious81: been home doing nothing
budeelicious81: ever since school ended
budeelicious81: and before work starts
Ms.Tee: where u workin now?
budeelicious81: gonna work at a hospital
budeelicious81: I just graduated… remember
Ms.Tee: yep
Ms.Tee: u ready for the real deal?
budeelicious81: ready for the real money
budeelicious81: I know that much!
Ms.Tee: thats real!
Ms.Tee: have u caught up on my blog? i dont wanna keep retelling stories.lol
budeelicious81: yeah. i have nothing else to do but read blogs all day. lol
Ms.Tee: i caught up on yrs last night
budeelicious81: the 100 list was good
budeelicious81: oh yeah? wow!
Ms.Tee: girl i cant wait to meet u and have some fun
budeelicious81: i know right!
Ms.Tee: r u seeking first the kingdom of God?
budeelicious81: wat made u ask that?
Ms.Tee: cuz i think i think about that too much? like im over focused on it
Ms.Tee: sometimes i wonder if its relly that SERIOUS!
budeelicious81: it is that serious
budeelicious81: i’m not as focused right now as i could be…
budeelicious81: but i go thru phases
Ms.Tee: sometimes i wonder if I hold myself to a higher standard than most
Ms.Tee: do u fell when u lose focus u can miss yr blessings?
Ms.Tee: do u believe blessings are conditional?
Ms.Tee: i know this isnt a light convo
Ms.Tee: so ignore me if u want to
budeelicious81: nah. even when i’m not focused, i’m blessed
Ms.Tee: ure so free and easy, i wish i could be more like that
budeelicious81: I don’t think blessings are conditional
budeelicious81: everyone gets blessed
budeelicious81: even those who may not believe in God or know him
budeelicious81: they may attribute their blessing to something else like “coincidence” or “luck”
budeelicious81: but they get blessed too
Ms.Tee: do u think we can miss God if we diligently seek Him?
budeelicious81: can miss Him? not at all
Ms.Tee: u go thru blah days btut never really dark times, is it because u don’t perceive the blah days as dark times, or do u believe u r just blessed NOT to have dark times?
Ms.Tee: this feels like an interview
budeelicious81: ummmm… I think it’s all perspective
budeelicious81: Of course I have blah days, but more often than not, I refuse to stay down
budeelicious81: so the blah days aren’t prolonged…and I’m not lead into “dark times” which to me is a longer period of time
budeelicious81: like I always say…
budeelicious81: there’s gonna be good times and bad times, so I can’t expect things to be all peachy all the time
budeelicious81: so when things are “down” it’s kind of expected
budeelicious81: it’s the way of the world
Ms.Tee: uve been reading me for some years now..do u see an evolution in me? cuz i feel it. i just dont know how pronounced it is
budeelicious81: yes and no
Ms.Tee: my perception of myself/love for myself has improved dramatically i think
budeelicious81: yeahhhh!!! definitely!!!!especiall the last few posts I read I was like wow!
Ms.Tee: i see that my love for God and desie to develop a lasting relationship with him has improved
Ms.Tee: otherwise i am starting to think for myself more and question myself more
budeelicious81: but your self-worth has gone up in your eyes in my opinion
Ms.Tee: yes i dont know why
Ms.Tee: but i believe i deserve the BEST
Ms.Tee: its funny ciz i believe this even though riht now i dont have the best
Ms.Tee: in fact, materially speaking i am at my lowest point
budeelicious81: I guess the main thing for me was you turning down sex multiple times and wanting to wait
Ms.Tee: lol
Ms.Tee: shut up!
budeelicious81: I’m serious
Ms.Tee: i forgot about that
budeelicious81: you used to be like yeah..I had sex with him, didn’t want to, but I just did
Ms.Tee: lol
budeelicious81: now you’re like oh uh uh… he’s not worth this and I’m waiting for my husband
Ms.Tee: exactly
budeelicious81: and it disgusted me to even think of that with him!
Ms.Tee: it does
budeelicious81: *clapping*
Ms.Tee: lol
Ms.Tee: shut up
budeelicious81: I’m glad you got to this point
budeelicious81: so serious
budeelicious81: like your whole self-esteem just went through the roof
budeelicious81: question tho….
budeelicious81: how come you don’t read the Bible anymore?
budeelicious81: I was a bit confused by that
Ms.Tee: theres no specific reason
Ms.Tee: i didnt quit it or disagree with it
budeelicious81: oh
Ms.Tee: i just havent read it in a long time
budeelicious81: gotcha
Ms.Tee: and it came to me when i was writing the list
Ms.Tee: so i added it
budeelicious81: thought you were against it
Ms.Tee: it does sound like, I aint with that anymore
budeelicious81: yeah
Ms.Tee: i think my friends turn me off from reading the bible honestly
budeelicious81: yeah?
budeelicious81: how so?
Ms.Tee: they like to ht me over the head with it
budeelicious81: I see
Ms.Tee: not like im doing wrong or anything
budeelicious81: right
Ms.Tee: but i guess im associating the bible with how they act
Ms.Tee: and it annoys me
budeelicious81: I have a friend like that too
Ms.Tee: its inspirational and life saving to me
Ms.Tee: lots of good stuff in there
budeelicious81: yeah definitely
Ms.Tee: i havent found anything i disgaree with
Ms.Tee: i think its just
budeelicious81: lol
Ms.Tee: that ppl use it to foster unnaceptance
Ms.Tee: and im not interested in using it as a tool to damn someone to hell
budeelicious81: very true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
budeelicious81: but for your own personal use
Ms.Tee: its like a life raft and a shot gun
budeelicious81: LOL
budeelicious81: that’s funny
Ms.Tee: thats how i feel
Ms.Tee: TO HELL!
Ms.Tee: ughhh
Ms.Tee: THE BIBLE SAY!
budeelicious81: honestly….
budeelicious81: I think a lot of the people who use it to point out the wrong in others are still trying to prove to themselves that they’re doing something right…
budeelicious81: it’s like putting someone down brings up their self esteem
Ms.Tee: its like…why do u have to point out whats wrong with someone else’s life?
Ms.Tee: do u HONESTLY feel lke their soul is your burden or do you want to be right? JUDGE YOURSELF!
budeelicious81: I think your expression of how much you love God and your actions are lining up more
budeelicious81: that’s what it is
Ms.Tee: hmm..interesting observation
budeelicious81: lol
Ms.Tee: well then u make me question
Ms.Tee: why cant my love for God be absolute regardless of my actions?
budeelicious81: because if you love God and are committed to Him, your actions would be more righteous
budeelicious81: of course people are doing to sin and make mistakes blah blah blah…
budeelicious81: but I think after while of messin up and doing things your way, you come to a point where you realized that your way is not the way…
budeelicious81: and that you do have to change the way you do things, change the way you say things and just change in general
budeelicious81: it’s not like a BAM! I love God, so I’m gonna be perfect…. people take time to grow and God is constantly working on us to better us
budeelicious81: and God’s not gonna leave you all messed up if you’re truly into Him
Ms.Tee: but what is righteousness? how do u define it? who defines it? why wasn’t I righteous before?
budeelicious81: lol
Ms.Tee: serious
Ms.Tee: just because i stopped having secks, im righteous?
budeelicious81: I would think that the Bible defines it. Maybe not in one word or one definition, but just everyting it speaks about
budeelicious81: no, has nothing to do with sex
budeelicious81: well, not nothing
budeelicious81: but that’s not the main thing
budeelicious81: I definitely don’t have all the answers tho
budeelicious81: but the Bible does
budeelicious81: what do youuuu think?
Ms.Tee: um…
Ms.Tee: we have an inherant ability to decifer right from wrong although at times i believe right and wrong can have a cultural definition
Ms.Tee: according to your belief system, righteousness is formed and once u have your set of rules for righteousness, u can decided to abide or not
Ms.Tee: for the young black woman, nothing is wrong with having a baby out of wedlock, its culturally acceptable and normal, but not for everyone else or strictly religious families
budeelicious81: I think righteousness is living a life that is pleasing to God, not a set of rules that we must abide by…
Ms.Tee: so then u say we please God how? by adhering to the rules in the Bible?
budeelicious81: there were rules in the past and people thought that that was the way to Heaven and God and everything good, but Jesus came and I believe that he is the way…
budeelicious81: and only by believing in him are we saved…
budeelicious81: I think the Bible is a guide for life, and an expression of how much God loves us and also teaches us about the ways of God and the life of Jesus…
budeelicious81: I think Jesus is the perfect example of righteousness because he was without sin…
budeelicious81: ultimately having a person relationship with Jesus and knowing him and not just of him is what matters the most
Ms.Tee: i forgot what my original question was
budeelicious81: lol
budeelicious81: I forgot too
budeelicious81: you said that materially you’re prob at your lowest…
budeelicious81: but you’re not even stressin it
budeelicious81: you know He’s gonna take care of you
Ms.Tee: uh..yeah…im not STRESSING…but i am impatient and my back hurts a lot from sleeping on the floor- lol
budeelicious81: you have a positive outlook on your whole journey through Texas
Ms.Tee: wow..i do..i guess…
budeelicious81: I know, but He’s not gonna leave you out there like that
Ms.Tee: thanks i needed to hear that, though I already knew it..i just need to HEAR it
budeelicious81: and you know that there’s every more to come
budeelicious81: and the fact that you truly believe that is a dramatic change in you
budeelicious81: you never used to write stuff like that
budeelicious81: you know He’s setting you up for something GREAT!!!!
Ms.Tee: thank u for this convo, i lose focus on the promise sometimes
budeelicious81: doesn’t sound like it when I read your blog
Ms.Tee: im not always as positive as I seem
budeelicious81: you sound pretty focused to me
Ms.Tee: lol
budeelicious81: well we’re all allowed blah moments and blah days, but at the end of the day you know He got you!
Ms.Tee: THANK YOU!
Ms.Tee: cuz i have faith but this floor is hard…but ill tell u, i aint NEVER had ramen noodles as good as the ones i ate tonight! I felt like i was at a 5 star restaurant!
budeelicious81: lol
budeelicious81: funny stuff
budeelicious81: it’s only a matter of time
budeelicious81: His time tho… and not ours
Ms.Tee: u r a blessing!
budeelicious81: u too boo!