Blessed Dreams

I was up all night last night. The worries and fears of a future unknown engulfed my mind sending me into a tailspin.

I know what triggered this relapse. It’s the promise of God being manifested in the spirit. Something is happening, unknown to me. Somewhere, something is working in my favor. My rational mind doesn’t want me to believe it. It constantly reminds me of the people in my past who don’t like me or agree with how I’m living. I fight those thoughts off with affirming words and a constant reminder that I am the daughter of the Most High King. Everything makes way for me. Everyone is a link in the chain towards my divine destiny. No one can stand inthe way of my blessing no matter how hard they try.

Once I fell asleep around 5am, I had the most wonderful dream. I took a trip to see my sons and when I put my arms around them, I experienced the most joyful sensation known to man.

Far greater than any orgasm or full body massage. Much more spiritual than a first kiss from your true love. Feeling the warmth from my baby’s embrace brought a peace to my spirit. I kissed them and hugged them and we went for a walk as I listened to them chatter about anything and nothing.

A ringing noise woke me from my ultimate fantasy. I opened my eyes and looked at my phone sitting near my head next to my laptop. Kim.

When I answered I guess we had a bad connection because I couldn’t hear her, but I knew she was calling me from the airport before her early morning flight to Miami for the holiday.

I drifted off to sleep and was greeted by my sons once again. This time we were in a school and their toys were everywhere. We walked down the hallways, picking up toys and talking to each other.

My phone rang again, waking me.

I blinked a few times and saw Kim’s name on the caller ID. I answered and she greeted me, “Hey girl, Happy 4th of July.”

“Hey girl. You made it?”

“Yeah girl, it feels so weird to be back here. I guess I’m so used to being in Chicago and the way things look there.”

“I’m sure. Now lemme try to go back to sleep I was dreaming about my boys and it felt so good to see them.”

“Girl, don’t you worry. We’re planting the seeds now. Pretty soon you’ll be able to see your boys as much as you want to. You’ll be able to have them with you or at least fly out and see them at a moment’s notice. Don’t worry, it’s coming. God didn’t bring you this far not to give you the desires of your heart. You’ll see.”

“Thanks girl.”

I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just hung out around the house. It’s funny how I can have fun all by myself. I don’t know anyone who spends as much time alone as I do, but I’m okay with it. I don’t get on my own nerves. I enjoy being alone.

My phone rang again and it was my sister. “Mama asked me to call you because she said you don’t answer when she calls.”

I laughed. “Put her crazy behind on the phone.”

“Hey girl!” My Mama said. “You know we done cooked a whole bunch of food. We grilled early this morning and I’m glad we did because it looks like it’s about to pour down raining.”

“It’s been raining here a lot lately too.”

“Yeah I wanted to ask you about those floods. It’s all over the news.”

“Well, I heard about the floods but there are none where I live. Next time you see a report, try to see where they are talking about. I live on the north side of Dallas.”

“So how things going? You wrote anything lately on the site?”

I gulped. “No Mama, not lately.”

No, I haven’t told my Mama that I left the website. I don’t want her to worry. When I first started working there she told me that it took her a minute to tell her co workers because she knows me. “Girl, you know how you are,” she said with a laugh. “People don’t pay you right or don’t treat you right and your ass is outta there in a minute! Now I told everybody and they all put the website as their homepage so they can go and read your stories at work.”

“Well Mama I only do that because I know what I am worth. If a company doesn’t value that then It’s not the place for me. I really wish I could find my place.”

“Girl, I saw the boys before they left to their other Grandma’s house. They are so big and looking good. You know their Granddaddy is spoiling them. Sugarbear asked for a PSP but I don’t know if he should have that yet even though he said he beat all the games we bought him for his gameboy. But you know I can’t tell your Grandaddy nothing. If I didn’t put my foot down, he’d spend our mortgage on them boys and I ain’t having that!”

I laughed.

“Girl, don’t you worry about them boys. They good where they are with their Daddy. They are getting so much love down here. You just keep doing what you doing and go for yours it’s your time to make something of yourself.”

I almost cried but I didn’t want her to be annoyed by me. I’m so glad that my Mama approves of what I’m doing. Throughout all of this she hasn’t discouraged me at all. I think it delights her that I’m doing so much traveling. She seems to see it all as an adventure. I send her postcards from wherever I go but today she asked for pictures of the celebrities I meet.

“Aww Mama, I don’t want to collect pictures with random celebrities. That’s dumb to me. Why would I treasure a 2 minute meeting with a celebrity when they haven’t taught me anything and we aren’t really friends? The stories I write about them are good enough for me. That’s proof enough.”

“Well, how about this. How about you start taking pictures for your Mama. I want to see and show everybody at work. They are always asking about you and I tell them and they say, ‘I wish she was my daughter.'”

I could hear her smiling through the phone.

She never acted like this when I was younger. I seriously thought she didn’t like me. Now all I get is love and encouragement. Her words bless me more than she’ll ever know. She doesn’t have to tell me she loves me, I know she does.

When I got off the phone with her I was in heaven. A blessing from Mama always hits the right spot. I danced around my empty living room and plopped down on my makeshift bed to flip through the channels. My eyes lit up when I saw the opening credits for Sleepless in Seattle. I love that movie!

“I’m going to cry at the end,” I promised myself and settled down happily to watch the romance flick.

Ahhh…I think life should be just like that. One day…a chance meeting, someone takes a risk and then….as easily as a hot knife through butter you see the person and…and..you’re in love.

I don’t want to go through the push and pull of trying on different men for size. I don’t want to go through the heartache of breaking up and making up. I just want…to KNOW. And I want his testimony to be that he loved me from the moment he laid eyes on me. Sounds like a fantasy? Well, look at my life. Fantasies do come true.

As I sat and worried myself about the choices I’ve made and the friends I’ve lost I found peace that every good thing that God has for me, will not be withheld. Who wants to hold onto friends who won’t support your dream? God removed them and made the remaining friendships stronger. Who wants to hold onto a job that isn’t trying to support your success? God can give me better. God can give me more. I don’t have to cry everyday to take hold of my dream. God doesn’t want that for me in a workplace or in a relationship. He wants me to be happy.

The thing about the past is, you can’t do a damn thing about it so dwelling on it simply means you have too much free time. I do have more free time lately so I try to keep busy with my website and reading my favorite books over and over for encouragement. I’m already meeting great people through the interviews that I am conducting for my website.

And it’s exactly the type of stories I’ve always wanted to write. I get to ask successful people how they became successful and they share encouraging stories about breaking free from negativity and overcoming obstacles. As much as this site will encourage others, it’s also encouraging me….and it hasn’t even launched yet! LOL!

I was invited out to see fireworks and then have drinks afterward but I didn’t accept the invitation. Sometimes I feel more lonely when I’m in a room full of strangers than I do when I’m home alone. Besides, one of the main reasons that I don’t date is because I don’t know who these men are and I don’t want them parading me around town when I’m brand new and know nothing about their reputation or intentions.

Today I decided not to spend any more time with men, alone. It’s not worth the hassle of them coming on to me and I don’t want to fall into someone’s bed during a moment of weakness. If it’s not a group thing then I’m not participating. That should help me see who is really true about being a friend and who’s not. I have no problem walking away from a man who doesn’t treat me in the manner that I deserve. I know what I am worth.

It’s dark out now and I do want to see fireworks so maybe I’ll take a short drive to see if there are any in my neighborhood. My friends would KILL me if they knew I spent the entire day inside.

As I let go of my imaginary boyfriends I can feel God’s promise for a real man, growing stronger. No more wondering if he likes me or when he’ll take notice of my swagger. It’s time for a new thing, a REAL thing and I am practicing patience while I wait for him. As great as Kanye and The Prez are, maybe God has someone even more fine, more creative and more brilliant for me. I still do admire those men and I really hope that the women they choose will be as good to them as I would have been. I see the brilliance in both of them and would have only added to their shining light. But…it wasn’t meant to be and I’m okay with that.

My reality often exceeds my fantasy and I can’t WAIT to see what will happen next!