Wading Through My Feelings

I sometimes doubt what I’m doing and who I am and then I remember that I can only be me.

First and foremost on my mind is trying to be a blessing to everyone I meet, but I don’t always get it right. I don’t consider myself to be a failure even though by the standard definition I’m not successful at anything I have done so far.

I feel like I was led here, one foot in front of the other and when most people would have given up or ran backwards I pressed forward and remained strong. I don’t know why my life is like this, I only know I’m dealing with it the best way I can. I don’t know why I couldn’t make it to be able to take care of my kids, all I know is I tried so hard at every job I had and still none of them worked out.

I’m here and I can’t go back. I have to be faithful to who I am and what I’m working with. It’s not like I have any other choice in the matter. When I’m working at some random place and not using my gift, I don’t prosper and it seems that even when I’m using my gift to help others, they get pissed with me for being too gung ho and I still don’t prosper.

I am not a failure. I’m too brilliant to be one.

I spoke to my son the other day and he asked, “Mama, do you have an apartment for us yet?”
“No, baby, I don’t.”
There was a silence before he asked, “But it’s coming right? It’s coming Mama?”
“Yeah baby, I promise it’s coming.”

I’m not on crack or abusive to my kids or anyone for that matter. I still can’t figure out what’s wrong (?) with me where I can’t find my place though I am bold enough to seek it.

I feel so bad about my consistent desire to be supported and loved by a man. Is that selfish of me to think about my own needs as a living, breathing, thinking, feeling woman? I feel like I should only focus on being able to take care of my kids without any help from their father. Have I sacrificed enough? Obviously not.

Will I be able to deliver on my promise by continuing to have standards and morals in my life? Do I have to just take any job and allow the people there to treat me like trash so I can be have money and take care of my kids? Do I have to allow random men to seduce me in order to gain favor? By walking away from both of those scenarios am I abandoning ship?

I am an independent thinker. I’m not just swallowing the beliefs of others as truth. I ask God to reveal the truth to me and I wait to see what happens. I’m consistently evolving in my thought patterns and prejudices. I try to accept everyone as they are without pushing them to come with me. If you have peace in your life the way you live it, who am I to bring confusion by demanding that you seek peace the way I seek it? Who am I to stand and try to guilt trip you into loving God the way that I love and serve Him?

That is not my place. My place is to love and honor you. My place is to demand that I am treated as the prized woman that I am.

I wonder what happens to people like me. What does “people like me” mean anyway? I’ve never met anyone who lives or thinks like I do.

I know that there is a God and I know He sees everything I do.

I know He has me in this wilderness for a purpose even though I don’t see it, my Mama says all the time, “Girl, you ALWAYS get your blessing.”

Maybe it will come tomorrow. Maybe next week. But in the meantime I sit and I ask God to help me be the best mother, friend and artist that I can be. Help me to see my faults more clearly and to take corrective action immediately even if it hurts my pride. Help me to change who I am and become better equipped to handle this solo flight.