Burning Bridges

I need to address this mainly because I need to figure this out for myself. Writing out my thoughts helps to clarify my feelings and I always understand myself better after I write versus just sitting there THINKING and trying to make sense of what I’m feeling.

I’ve been feeling kind of bad since I had to cut someone off recently. He really didn’t DO anything to me persay, I just think he doesn’t have any manners and that is unnacceptable in my world. I know that I should be treated in a certain way and he doesn’t seem to know how to treat me. I gave him THREE chances. THREE times I dealt with him, being patient but each time he still treated me the same way so I decided that enough is enough.

I would never treat anyone like that so fuck him, to the left with his ass.

Then in my conscious I heard, “But what if you need his help later? Isn’t it better to jut distance yourself from him just in case you need his support later?”

Then I said to myself, “Fuck that. If I can’t depend on him to treat me with respect now, why would I think he’d be there if I needed help in the future?”

So I told his ass to lose my contact information.

If I ever see him again I will act like I don’t know him. I have ZERO tolerance for disrespectful men. Am I too harsh?

~sigh~

I think of the last two people who mentioned that phrase, “Don’t burn your bridges…” to me.

One of them was Young CEO. After I cussed his ass out for not living up to his word when I got to Houston, he reminded me that I shouldn’t burn my bridges.

And when Kia took me to that Spirit worshipping ritual and I distanced myself from her she gently reminded me, “Don’t deplete your resources, Tee.”

But how can I trust you to be a resource if you have shown me that you are untrustworthy and untrue?

Why would I ever need to go back and ask you for help when you have openly disrespected me?

I don’t believe God would do that to me so I will continue to chuck those crumbs to the side when I meet people who don’t treat me the way that I know I should be treated.

God please show me the right way if my heart is wrong? I don’t want to keep people around to USE them when I feel like I need something. I want people around me whose spirits are good and we can encourage each other to grow in different areas.

Please change my heart if I’m too hard on people when they mess up.

I don’t want to be mean…but I do expect excellence because that is what I try to give whenever I can, in friendship, in my work ethic and in any romantic relationship that I was unlucky enough to pursue.

I don’t know.

I don’t like rejecting people because I want to love everyone forever but…some people have shown me that they don’t know how to love me back and I just can’t accept that anymore.

Consistent Self Examination

As usual I spent the day in meditation about the condition of my heart.

I also went out to lunch with my coworkers to this barbecue place that was OFF THE CHAIN! Backyard Barbecue, I think it was…or something like that. Tomorrow we are going to take the TRAIN somewhere to get drinks. You know I don’t drink when I’m with people I don’t know so..I’ll just enjoy some water and hopefully not get on their nerves with my incessant talk of success and prosperity. I know that must be annoying at times to have to listen to me but that’s really all that’s on my heart. I’m always examining my attitudes and trying to be righteous and I’m always thinking of my next step in my career and what I need to do to get to my ultimate goal.

I don’t know why I even waste my time, my plans never come true, God always leads me where He wants me to be.

In my romantic fantasy world, Kanye is currently winning over The Prez because Kanye has a connection to God and The Prez has never demonstrated to me that He has one. All the brilliance and handsomeness and nerdiness in the world won’t make up for a lack of an intimate relationship wth God. That sucks cuz…I really wanted to do it with him too. I’m not as attracted to Kanye physically. In fact, I don’t think of Kanye in a sexual way at all; I just appreciate his spirit.

This is bonkers. Maybe neither one of them are for me because I do expect it all in one package of a man.

Next week will make 6 MONTHS since I’ve had secks. Abstinence is a mutha!

~stunned~

~crying~ I don’t know what’s going on with me but if this is how God wants my life to be then so be it…I’m not superlonely, I have my internet ofcourse and my friends call me consistently but…living in this world of self reflection is quite..I don’t even know the word.

I eat all of my meals alone usually. I come home and sit here alone. On the weekends I am all alone. Even at work when I’m with people, I feel like I’m alone.

Why did a reader send me this email today and it encouraged me quite a bit:

If you are going through a time of isolation, seemingly all alone, read John 17 . It will explain exactly why you are where you are— because Jesus has prayed that you “may be one” with the Father as He is. Are you helping God to answer that prayer, or do you have some other goal for your life?

Since you became a disciple , you cannot be as independent as you used to be. God reveals in John 17 that His purpose is not just to answer our prayers, but that through prayer we might come to discern His mind. Yet there is one prayer which God must answer, and that is the prayer of Jesus— “. . . that they may be one just as We are one . . .” ( John 17:22 ).

Are we as close to Jesus Christ as that? God is not concerned about our plans; He doesn’t ask, “Do you want to go through this loss of a loved one, this difficulty, or this defeat?” No, He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, and nobler men and women, or they are making us more critical and fault-finding, and more insistent on our own way. The things that happen either make us evil, or they make us more saintly, depending entirely on our relationship with God and its level of intimacy.

If we will pray, regarding our own lives, “Your will be done” ( Matthew 26:42 ), then we will be encouraged and comforted by John 17, knowing that our Father is working according to His own wisdom, accomplishing what is best. When we understand God’s purpose, we will not become small-minded and cynical. Jesus prayed nothing less for us than absolute oneness with Himself, just as He was one with the Father. Some of us are far from this oneness; yet God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him— because Jesus prayed, “. . . that they all may be one . . . .”

John 17
Jesus Prays for His Disciples
6″I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 11I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one. 12While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. 13″I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. 14I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. 18As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.

Jesus Prays for All Believers
20″My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24″Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25″Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

I don’t know if I’m a disciple. I surely didn’t ask to be one or desire to be one. My one desire is to please God with my life and to be a good mother to my sons, loving them the way God loves me.

God please check my heart for anything negative or incorrect. I speak into so many people’s lives and they trust and value my opinion. I always want to be true to how I feel but I don’t want to lead anyone the wrong way. I just want to live according to the TRUTHS you placed on my heart. I want to do the right thing.

Why do tears fall when you’re sad?

Why don’t we get the hiccups instead?

I can’t sleep ofcourse and it’s because I took a nice long nap as soon as I got home today. That night was so good that I woke up and cleaned up a little bit. Yeah I know… I don’t have any furniture but my clothes were everywhere. I’m really lazy when it comes to housecleaning and even more so now that I know I won’t be having any company anytime soon.

Soooo….I’ve been laying here just doing what I do best- thinking.

Thinking about….Ruby and her new attitude since she read the book called The Secret. I tried to introduce her to similar principles when I read THE GAME OF LIFE but she just wasn’t ready and I even sent the book to her but it didn’t do anything. When she picked up The Secret, it clicked. I’m so glad I didn’t have to press. All I did was pray. Now when we talk to each other she’s feeding me the same principles that have changed my life. We’re on the same level now and I’m glad she’s there with me. She has so much peace now.

Thinking about…When I’ll be able to see my sons again. All of our birthdays are during the summer but I can’t go down to Miami 3 times to celebrate. My 10 year class reunion is also this summer and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it to that because I really want to be there for my kids first day of school. My Boo Boo is starting kindergarten. Although he is a big boy I just want to be there to walk him inside and give him a blessing on that day. So it looks like I won’t see them for their birthdays or be able to attend my class reunion. The latter sucks because I was the Senior class president and that’s gonna look bad PLUS my bestfriend Anna took control of organizing the event when she saw I was too busy seeking my destiny and I wanted to support her by at least showing up. We’ll see. If God wants me there He will make a way.

Thinking about….my birthday. Damn…I’m gonna be 28. Almost as old as Val. 27 was such a marvelous year for me I really don’t want it to end. I’m a completely different person than I was when I turned 27. I can’t imagine how much more I’m going to evolve over the coming year.

Thinking about…solitude and how I never asked for this. It’s not like I ever wished to be without my sons. I honestly never imagined my life without them so all of these experiences that I am having now…this all feels like a dream. I went to California and hung out with my girls! I got to kick it in Louisiana with Ruby. I moved to muthafuckin HOUSTON, Texas on a wish and slept in a homeless shelter. Ummm…Who’s life is this? That’s okay…I will do more than PROVIDE for my boys, I am setting them up a generational blessing.

Thinking about…the fact that I stopped smoking Black & Milds. Yeah man… It’s been about 2 weeks now and I still think about buying some but I just turn the page in my mind. I really only smoked because I was bored so when I used the last little bit of medicine in my inhaler I knew that it was time to stop. I can breathe in and out with ease now. It’s a beautiful feeling. I replace those desires to smoke with talking to God. But I tell you what….If a bitch pass me a blunt, I sholl with hit that shit.

Thinking about…my belly. It’s gotten a lot worse as I’ve gained weight. I don’t weigh myself because it’s not that serious but I see how my flabby, baby mama belly jiggles when I take a shower. When I see my belly in pictures for some reason, I think it’s cute. I know I’m too lazy to work out and not wealthy enough to get a tummy tuck so…I may as well appreciate what I have. Ain’t nobody seeing me naked anyway.

Thinking about….Kim. She doesn’t have a paying job yet, so until she does, God has been paying her bills and she’s grateful. She actually started volunteering as a teacher for computer classes, which she LOVES to do and she believes it is her gift. When she called to tell me about her first day I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I’m so proud of her. She’s not stressing or worrying. I’m telling you, if you cast your care on the Lord, He will make your burdens light. Why worry when the ONE who created everything loves you and has promised to take care of you? Why save and horde all of your belongings and money when God has promised to be your supply? If you truly trust God you should say, “Aight..I’ma let you handle that Lord. I’ma just chill over here and trust you to do your thang.” He always comes through. Don’t you notice that? Crying and worrying doesn’t EVER do anyone a bit of good.

Thinking about…my job and how much I love that shit. I do believe that I deserve to be in a place that I can learn and grow but this shit is overwhelming. These hoes I work with are SMART! I thought I was the smartest hoe but THESE HOES- man, they know what they are talking about and I value that in a colleague. I can’t believe I develop content for a web magazine for a living. Are you kidding me? Whenever I’m given a new assignment I’m like, “I get to do WHAT? Are you serious?” And they always look at me like I’m crazy.

Thinking about…my celibacy/abstinence/waiting on God until I have secks –deal. It’s not so hard anymore especially since I have no temptation and I’ve even cut down on masterbating. During the FREE-est time of my life I’m not freely giving my body away and that makes me feel honorable. When I saw Marsha she reminded me that whatever you give up for God, you will receive 100 times over. I was like, “Even secks?” She rolled her eyes but agreed, “Even secks, Tee.” Damn! I’ma be hunching like crazy! I can’t WAIT! We’re gonna be living in Erotic City!

Thinking about…trying to take my behind to sleep.

I will..holla.

Home Cooking & Work Issues

I rushed home excitedly today.

I was eager to try out the new POTS I bought from Walmart. I bought two lambchops to cook. I am so PROUD of myself. I took out my onion, my salt and pepper and my garlic powder and I put the pan on the stovetop, added a little margarine and allowed it to coat the bottom of the pan. Then I seasoned the meat and put it in the pan.

I smiled the whole time remembering how I used to cook– long time ago. The chops came out okay. Next time I’ll have to marinate them because they tasted blank. Nothing like the ones my StepDaddy used to make. He was a very good cook. My mother rarely cooked or cleaned. She just used to come home, grab a Budweiser and watch the stories.

Then I started thinking about my sons and how well they are eating now that they are with their Daddy. Everytime I speak to them they are raving about what kind of food he cooked for them and I always say, “I wish I had some.”
You ever feel blessed and highly favored and you can’t quite figure out why? I know… Don’t kill me. I’m just a “I have to give and do in order to receive love and blessings” type of chick and God is clearly showing me that He loves me regardless. He loves me like I love my sons. He celebrates who I am because I am a part of Him.
Tonight when I got home from work I felt good but I really needed a hug. So I called Kim which is basically the same thing and we talked and talked. Kim has a fascination with celebrities that I can’t quite grasp. She kind of idolizes their lives and dreams of being a philanthropist and a missionary and a businesswoman and a soccer Mom all at the same time. What I love most about Kim is the fact that she’s like Mimi in that, she loves the Lord, and she’s always up in church, but she respects my walk with God.
I have never heard her utter a harsh word toward me in respect to me making choices for how I worship God or my path to righteous living. I guess I’m still hurting over my interaction with Marsha this weekend but I honestly realize now that I don’t want a husband who is religious like she is. I think with her, her relationship is defined by the word OBEDIENCE. My relationship is defined by TRUST and ACCEPTANCE.
I just don’t want to have to constantly defend myself in my relationhip. I mean…he can go to church if he wants but I don’t really want him to be beating me over the head with scriptures and screaming at me because I’m liberal and I follow my own path. That kind of structure is not ideal to me at this point and the covering that people speak of to me– well, I feel like I get that from God anyway.
I am not religious. I do have a relationship with God. I do not allow anyone to define my relationship and I don’t care to conform to anyone else’s convictions. What I don’t understand is, if I don’t push my beliefs on you, why must you do that to me? Or maybe I’m being hypersensitive. Raycita says I have a habit of doing that.
Why do I always bring up the man I am believing God for? Well.. because I know I was not meant to be alone for the rest of my life. There’s nothing wrong with desiring companionship and my friends have fulfilled that role so far in the most amazing way but I can see the preperation in my life now when I’m not even trying. It’s not about secks either. It’s about receiving that Godsend like Glory wrote about. That wonderful man who will say, “Girl, you smell stank. Come on over here and let me give you a bath.”
I want more children and I can’t have them alone. It’s okay to desire love. It’s okay to express it and fantasize about it. As long as it is not overtaking you and pushing you to depression because it has not manifested, your desire for love is healthy and God led. It will happen.
I’m speaking to myself as well.
I’m really, really trying to be more social at work. You all know I’m anti social and prefer to communicate through the internet. I have asked my Director if I can have my own office but that was mainly because as a creative writer I can’t work with a lot of distractions. I prefer quiet or subdued noise. She said, No. LOL!
So while I’m in the office with two other people I try to talk to them casually but it takes a lot of effort since I’m always afraid they won’t understand how I think or the things I say. And I’m always spouting some wisdom about being a blessing or some righteous talk and I don’t really know how to have “regular” conversation about TV shows and men because all I think about is success and righteous living.
This week I visited 3 different people and sat in their offices to talk about nothing. I was so scared I was going to say the wrong thing or give the wrong impression. It’s not like I’m mean it’s just…I am wayyy too open about life issues. It’s difficult for me to keep it superficial. JB used to tell me that I get too deep too quickly and I would respond, “But I don’t know how to stay on the surface.”
All in all the only thing that annoys me at work is when people gossip negatively about each other AND especially when they talk bad about the company. I always roll my eyes and think, “Dude, if you hate it so much, why are you here?” That makes me look at them funny because they are torturing themselves if they stay in a place that they hate or don’t appreciate.
My motto is: Speak well of the man (or woman) who has dug the ditches to provide a place of employment for you to feed your family. How can you curse the supplier of groceries on your table? Bless him at all times and be grateful.
If’ it’s that bad then leave and trust God to find the perfect place for you.
I did. And so far…things are working out.
And if it doesn’t continue to work out, then God will move me.
It’s about trusting the SUPPLIER.
*******************
Thanks everyone for loving me and understanding me, even though I know I’m kind of crazy/different.

The Chick Next Door

I didn’t want to write about this but it’s bothering me sooo….whatever.

I just came back from another “outing” with my two office mates during what she called, “Welcome to Dallas Week”. One is Ajana and the other is David. Ajana has been with the company for-EVER and knows a whole lot about the site while David is just as new as I am but he comes to the plate with a social skill that I envy and the ability to communicate that is often unheard of in new college graduates.

This “outing” was supposed to be a way for David and I to be introduced to the city. We rode the train to Mockingbird station and walked around a bit but by the end of the trip I was only sure of one thing; Ajana can’t STAND my ass.

She covers it up well with a BIG Cheshire cat smile but my first impression of her has proved to be true: something is off about her spirit. While I don’t expect to connect with everyone, you KNOW I can read people and since there’s no reason for her to dislike me since I do my work, I am always polite and I never gossip or talk badly about people, I’m just gonna charge this one to the game.

But I tell you, I’m sure that my Director asked her to take us on a tour and she probably even had to PAY the girl to take us but I am so glad it’s over because the entire trip was uncomfortable and wack. You could tell she didn’t want to be there. I enjoyed myself simply because we were looking around in shops and that’s always fun to me.

But this chick…I don’t know what to do about her. Like…she sits 3 feet away from me and from day my first day interacting with her, I said Hi to her and she gave me the most STANK look ever! I smiled and greeted her, “Hey, you were out yesterday, were you sick or did you take a trip?” and she looked at me and said with a frown, ” I was OUT.”

I was like, “Ok.”

When I first started I didn’t have anything at my desk like a keyboard or a trash can or a stapler or anything and I was so busy trying to get things moving that I was slow in ordering them. Before my supplies came she had her trashcan in the middle of both of our desks so I would use her trashcan when I needed to. When she noticed that I was throwing trash in her trash can she promptly picked the can up and placed it under her desk telling me in a very nice tone that I should order “a nice pretty one” for myself.

Yeah…so after that I had to walk all the way to the kitchen everytime I had to throw away a piece of paper.

I was trying to think that maybe it’s because I’m still trying to get rid of the homeless smell I used to have since when I was living in the hostel/in my car I did have to get my clothes out of the trunk of my car everyday before going to work. Maybe she was annoyed by that. Maybe it was my rotten tooth and it’s decay (that I had filled- YAY! No more bad breath) or maybe it was my confident attitude or maybe it’s even the way I wear my hats pulled low over my eyes. Whatever it is that rubbed this chick the wrong way, there’s nothing I can do about it.

I don’t get it. She’s really cute. Like..she could hang with me because she has a very nice style and her hair is always nice. She looks like someone who would be my friend. I don’t get it. If I give you nothing but compliments and courtesy and you give me nothing but empty smiles and smart remarks…what can I do?

Yeah..it hurts me because..she sits right next to me but…we still work well together so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Raising Kanye: A Review

The interview with Kanye’s Mama was featured on the site today. I didn’t get good feedback about it from my friends but I have to tell you that I enjoyed doing this interview WAYYY more than I enjoyed interviewing John Legend because this interview was real and the Legend interview felt like we were both acting. Neither one of us were interested in what the other person was saying. This interview was really me pouring out my heart to my main man’s Mama while trying to understand the reasoning behind the choices she made while Raising Kanye.

Listen for yourself.

Would I suggest you buy the book? Hmmm…If you aren’t a lover of Kanye West you probably wouldn’t want to pick it up.

If you are a lover of success stories and intimate biographies, you may enjoy it. It has an easy to follow narrative flow that feels like Mama whispering in your ear. The reason I liked the book was because it held the keys to Kanye’s success and the belief system he was raised with which I believe could benefit anyone’s life, well anyone who has goals for their life.

It was more of an inspirational book than a biography at some points. She traced her life and the decisions she made leading up to Kanye’s birth and beyond. She writes extensively about her large family and their importance to Kanye’s upbringing. She chose an interesting lead-in throughout the book, using Kanye’s lyrics as a jump-off to tell stories. I liked that. At other times, it was obvious she wanted to take the chance to defend her son’s personality, even dedicating almost an entire chapter to that. You can really tell where he gets his personality from.

Her views on parenting, religion and relationships are extremely liberal. For example she encouraged Kanye and his friends to masterbate instead of experimenting with young girls. She lived with a couple of different men that she was dating while she hoped for love and raised Kanye which may cause some people to raise their eyebrow and others to say, “Damn…that’s reality right there.” I realize that we share the same thought patterns on equipping your children with every tool necessary in order to seek, find and flourish in his purpose.

All in all it was a book about a mother trying to raise her son the best way she could, affording him opportunities that she never had and loving him unconditionally along the way. After all…look at what became of the little boy whose mother thought she never wanted children…

Conversations With Friends

I spoke to Marsha last night.

I wanted to wait until she got back from Vegas before I called her and released the angst from my heart. She answered on the 3rd ring.

“Hello Mama!” she greeted me excitedly.

“Do you have time to talk?”

“Yeah Mama, what’s up?”

I sighed dramatically and began my child-like whine. “Marsha. I don’t know what’s going on between us but my heart is hurting. Ever since I left Miami in April I felt like something is wrong with our relationship, like you don’t love me anymore. I’m trying to figure out what it is but I can’t. And even last week when we were in California, our interaction was crazy. I was looking forward to that trip because I knew I would see you and you would give me all the love and hugs I needed but you kept SCREAMING at me about my choices in my walk with God and it hurt me so much. I don’t know what to do.”

“Awww Tee. If I was screaming at you I’m sorry but I will always love my Tee! It’s just that I’m so in love with God and I see how he’s blessed my life through my obedience and I want you to have the same thing. I know you are seeking and I was there too at one point but Tee you have to understand that there are certain things God requires of us and one of them is tithing to a church. If you trust God in that way, He will supply all of your needs. I didn’t mean to be harsh with you, I just want you to be where I am. And the thing about the palm reader lady, girl..I understand that you are always down for having new experiences but those people are not of God and I wanted you to understand that.”

I sighed. “Girl…I think it’s the fact that maybe you don’t see where I am with God right now. Let me explain something to you. I am all alone almost ALL the time. I never have company. I don’t have friends. I am in a position where all I can do is trust God and get companionship from God. This is a very intimate time for God and me and for the first time EVER, I can actually say that I know when He is talking to me. I never thought I’d get to that point but He is really leading me every step of the way and I want you to TRUST that He is taking care of me. I remember you saying, ‘If you want God to bless you then you have to…’. Girl I don’t have to desire that because God is already blessing me. And I realize that my relationship with Him is very personal. The path that He has for me may never be like yours. I believe God is leading me to be a blessing to the people in the service industry and that is why I pour my money out to waiters and valet attendents. That’s where I feel like my money should be going and I believe God is okay with that because otherwise, he’d tell me to stop.”

“You know what it really is,” I continued then stopped. “It’s the fact that when you spoke to me so aggressively it reminded me of my Baby Daddy and how he used to talk to me. It reminded me of JB and how he talked to me too. It reminded me of the man at the hostel and how he yelled at me. I don’t like that. I don’t like aggression like that because it reminds me of how men treat me. And now since I don’t hang out with anyone but God, no one talks to me that way so it hurt even more to hear it coming from you, especially about a subject as personal as the way I worship God with my life. God doesn’t yell at me, He speaks to me in love. You should too, even when you believe I’m wrong.”

“Girl…I’m sorry. You know you’re my Tee and I will never, ever stop loving you.”

“What if I start worshipping the devil?”

“Tee! We’ll have problems then…”

“I’m glad we talked. Now I feel better and I know that you just want the best for me…Now what’s going on with you?”

**********************************

Kim called me this morning.

“Girl, we need to talk.”

“What?”

“Girl, it may be time for me to leave my friends house because…well…let me tell you what happened. Girl, I was just talking to her and I told her that I feel like it’s time to stop eating processed foods and girl she gave me the dirtiest look. It’s like she was mad at me because I am trying to take good care of my body. And it’s not like I’m trying to lose weight or anything. It’s just that I feel like my body is my temple and I want to take care of it.”

“That hoe HATIN! She is really upset that you hold yourself in such high regard and she’s mad that she doesn’t feel the same way about herself.”

“Girl, when she sees that I only drink Evian she gets so upset and rolls her eyes and starts talking about how she can’t afford to be so picky about what she eats.”

“SHE can’t afford? Shit…YOUR ass really can’t afford it because you ain’t got no job, driving around in a Beemer, drinking Evian! She needs to be asking you what you are doing to be living so lovely with no “natural” supply of income. She need to stop discouraging you and join you.”

“I know girl…”

“Hatin! Tell that hoe to get a life! I don’t like her. So…What’s processed food?”

“Girl, it’s any kind of food that is not completely fresh. You heard of Organic foods right?”

“Yeah…JB used to eat that stuff. But honestly Kim, this is weird that you bring this up but for a while now I’ve been having this strange feeling whenever I eat meat. It’s as though I can SEE the animal it came from when it’s on my plate. Ughh…But I don’t know what to do because I don’t like vegetables.”

“For real? Wow. God will lead you. He’ll show you what to do.”

“You know what? What’s funny is I remember JB telling me that I didn’t like vegetables because I didn’t have anyone to cook them for me with the right seasonings. And the other day when I was at that barbeque place girl..they had some corn that tasted like MEAT! After I ate it I went up to them and asked them what they put in it and the man smiled and told me they put bell peppers, onions and garlic in them. I was like DAYUMMM, they were GOOD!”

“Girl…I have a friend who weighs her food before she eats it.”

“What?!”

“Girl, yes she monitors her calorie intake too because she wants to control her weight.”

“Ya’ll hoes have too much time on ya’ll hand.”

He’s Just A DJ But…

His book was actually good.

Ajana took the time to go around the office on Friday and found a copy for me. About 20 minutes before it was time to leave on our little field trip, I opened up the book and started reading.

Just two pages into it, I was already cracking up. “I don’t remember him being this funny on air!” I said aloud. Dude…the book is LAUGH OUT LOUD hilarious! I’m So serious. You will laugh like you’re watching Def Comedy Jam. I thought this was a very good approach to a semi autographical book since the subject was after all, a radio deejay.

In between the gut wrenching bursts of laughter I learned a lot about his upbringing in Alabama during the days of the quest for civil rights. I felt sad as he described his longing for attention from women. They used to call him Fungus. Awww… He often described his experience growing up as a fat boy. Maybe it was meant to happen this way, he married the first woman who paid him attention and wasn’t distracted by the pull and sway of being “hot”. Sometimes that shit can make you lose focus.

Who cares what a radio deejay has to say? Apparently a lot of people. I guessed I missed the boat on this one because when I tell my friends where I work, they are impressed. I’m like, “Why?”

My homegirl had to break it down to me. “Tee, you are in a strategic position at a media conglomerate that is well known in the country. You work for one of our Black leaders and we don’t have many. When the Radio Man says do something, people listen. You’re going to be noticed by all the right people.”

I was like, “For real?” I just wanted to work for a website. This website will do just fine. To be honest, I was not a fan of the Radio Man’s show. I listened to it once or twice but I remember thinking, “He’s not talking to me.” And I visited the website before, but I remember thinking, “What is this?” And I never went back.

Now that I am on the inside I can see how much effort it takes to pull that thing together and I have so much more respect for the website than before. I do look forward to being a key part of its reconstruction just as much as I want to help develop engaging content that readers won’t be able to get enough of.

But back to the book…It was funny! But it was kinda weird to read. Like, I don’t know if this sounds funny but I don’t look at the Radio Man as a celebrity. I don’t want to take a picture with him or get his autograph. He’s just a cool dude lucky enough to be giving his gift. That is what I admire most about him, he’s giving his gift to the world and expanding it and helping so many people and he loves it everyday. I hope to be able to do the same. Well…I am doing it now…just on a smaller scale.

Throughout the book he uses humor to point out various social ills and also clarify his reason for doing things the way he did them, like why he didn’t allow Bob Johnson to come on his show and speak about when Tavis Smiley was fired from BET, immediately following their buyout from Viacom. He mentioned the various arms of the company like the Foundation that supports HBCU’s and the website and how he will never stop being a voice for and to Black people.

He even has a section with advice for single mothers.

At the end of the book he has a whole list of random advice like:

It you get busted for making a videotape, make a hit gospel song. It worked for R. Kelly.

Don’t fry chicken naked.

When your woman asks you if her behind looks too big, act like you don’t hear her.

Give ugly a chance.

and my personal favorite: Act like you don’t want it, it becomes easier to get.

This man’s over all flavor is so appealing to me. In his book he advised everyone to look for the greatness in others and he gave some advice that I use ALL THE TIME. He wrote: There is no place for jealousy in business. If someone is doing a better job than you are, either find a way to improve yourself or join forces with that person.

I’ve been building my TEAM since highschool and I will ONLY attach myself to winners because I’m a winner too. I can’t be the most brilliant when it comes to everything so in essence, I’m only as knowledgable as my resources.

His book was a checklist for my road to greatness and I am happy to report that I am well on my way. His character, talent and stubborness all mirror my own and this book was just confirmation that I’m going the right way.

Everyone loves The Radio Man in our office. His presence makes everyone smile. He’s like a little mascot.

No one is too fond of The Prez, I’ll tell you that. ~raises eyebrow~ He runs a tight ship..uh…company.

Honestly, what impresses me the most about this company is…the kitchen.

Yeah…Everytime I have to go get some water I pause and look around like, “Wow. This is a nice big kitchen.” For real, I feel so warm and cozy when I’m in there and I always think of The Prez and feel proud that a man who is so young is in charge of it all.

Speaking of The Prez, the book mentions him quite a bit. I actually learned a lot about him as well by reading this. His Dad sure is proud that he received his MBA from (insert college here). He mentions that his son recieved his MBA from (insert college here) like…a hundred times. ~smile~ Proud Papa!

You know what REALLY blowed me when I read the book? The Radio Man is really, really wealthy. He wrote about selling HALF of his company for $56 million. HALF of your company DAMN! It kinda made me want to shrink into little pieces because I didn’t know I was in such a…what’s the word…prominent organization.

Sometimes I’m so clueless. I just be…trying to work hard. That’s all..

I Went To Church Today

Guess where I went this morning?
That’s right. I went to TD Jakes church. Let me tell you, it was an experience. But honestly, it wasn’t all good.


When I first arrived and walked through the doors I couldn’t believe it when NONE of the ushers or greeters even smiled at me or gave me a program. Does this church HAVE programs? Does anyone care that I’m here? Why didn’t anyone welcome me? I couldn’t believe that their personal conversations were more important than welcoming guests.
The only person who acknowledged me was the man handing out offering envelopes. I politely declined. THEN, I walked through the HUGE church smiling and I walked right to the front because I was 30 minutes early and I wanted to get a front row seat. No one was on the front row yet but just as I started to sit down I noticed others looking at me crazy. “Are these seats reserved?” I asked. “Yes, they are.”Well damn. “Where can I sit?” I asked. “Back there,” they said pointing to the rear. “These front seats are reserved for the staff.”I rolled my eyes. How rude! I don’t sit in the back anywhere. I’m a front row type of chick. I want the full experience.So I walk up to an usher and introduce myself, “Hi, I’m Ms. Tee. I’m from Florida and this is my first time here. I’d like 2 of your BEST seats for myself and my friend.”He laughed. “Well, how about up there?” he asked and pointed to some seats wayyy up in the stands. I looked at him and said, “No. I’m a visitor. I deserve better seats than that. I’ve waited a long time to hear him speak in person.””Well, this time I’ll let you sit up front but next time you have to sit in the back, ok?” “Sure,” I said and then silently added, “There won’t be a next time because ya’ll are treating me like I’m a second class citizen.”
So I sat down in the front section on the 4th row and I was so upset. You have to treat people like you LOVE them in church. Every single person that walked by my row, neither smiled nor introduced themselves to me. I became extremely annoyed at this point and I was ready to leave. Why would I ever think of joining a place where everyone ignores you? These people don’t give a damn about a new face.So the choir sang and I tried to shake off my frustration but it was hard because of my past negative experiences with churches. Then they played a whole bunch of commercials and made some announcements and honored Bishop Jakes and his wife for celebrating 25 years of marriage.That was so special to me. 25 years of marriage? They have been looking at each other for so long and they STILL like each other. I allowed my fantasy relationship to play out for a little while during the tribute. In my mind I enjoyed sitting next to my husband and him whispering inside jokes in my ear as we both enjoy watching my boys grow up as our business grows.Then I snapped out of it as TD Jakes began to speak. At the instant his voice hit my ears, every negative thought about this church dissappeared. There’s something about him….This man spoke to me. He peeked into my soul and pulled out the very details that I try so hard to hide behind my makeup. His message was about recognizing your significance.I can see why he’s so popular. His message uplifts those of us who have come through so much abuse and degradation and opposition but don’t want to be there forever.It wasn’t just an inspirational word, it was more of a reminder from God that I am doing the right thing. My sons will be so blessed because of my hard work. My entire family will never again have to go to a foodstamp office or collect a welfare check. I was on welfare with my first son. It was the only way I knew how to survive without dropping out of school and going back to Miami to live with my Mama. I was on foodstamps for years. I lived in section 8 housing with my son just like I was raised in. I fell viction to the generational curse of poverty.My whole family is like that. My Mama is the only one who owns her own home. No one but me, has ever attended or graduated from college yet. I can’t just sit by and wait for someone to rescue us. I’m strong enough to take the pain of paving the way. I’m smart enough to make the right decisions or even recover from making the wrong ones. Just like The Radio Man sacrificed time with his sons to work hard and provide for them and it changed their whole world, I have to do the same thing. Thank God his sons don’t resent him for it. They appreciate him for it. They understand. They love him anyway. And now he has created a remarkable change in lifestyle and opportunity that will last through the generations. That’s what I’m trying to do. I want my boys to grow up knowing that their options in life are limitless because God is their supply and Mommy has the connections to point them in whatever direction they want to go.May God Bless Bishop TD Jakes for being there today to affirm me. I also got a word in my spirit that I need to stop cursing so much. It’s unbecoming of a lady and a leader.Lemme go…I have to marinate on all this growth.

Flashbacks

I had a beautiful day today. After my luscious nap I actually turned on my TV and watched a movie.

When I got hungry I went into the kitchen and pulled out my box of pancake mix. As I mixed the batter in a cup and heard the soft hiss of the oil in the pan as it warmed up I had a flashback.

Me…Standing in front of the stove at the hostel, making pancakes for breakfast. Making pancakes for lunch. Making pancakes for dinner. So many pancakes. So many pancakes.

So little money. Trying to stretch it.

Drinking water.

Holding on.

Sitting outside. Praying. Praising.

Keeping quiet. Not wanting to disrupt. Never wanting to disturb. Always polite.

Wishing for a home. Hoping for an address one day.
Talking on the phone with my friends. Receiving their love. Dancing to R. Kelly’s ‘I Believe I can Fly’.
Sitting outside by the lake, praying and thanking God for protecting me and guiding me here.
And then my flashback stops.

And I look around.

I’m in my own kitchen.

I have my own kitchen.

I have a place to live. I checked my own mail yesterday.

I got my insurance card. I can go to the doctor.

I have a room. Nothing is in it yet. But I have a room. I have a living room. I have an internet connection.

No one has the key but me.

God gave me a place to live. I don’t have to leave.

I don’t have to leave. I don’t have to wish anymore. This is a reality.

I have my own place to live. And I’m living here. And I sleep here. And I have my own key. And I’m not living in the hostel anymore. And I’m not sleeping in my car anymore. No one can kick me out. No one can try to use me as their playtoy. And I’m so grateful.

I’m so grateful.

I have an address now.

It’s my own address.

And I don’t care if I have to sleep on the floor because it’s my floor.

I have an address now.

There’s a place that I call home.

And it’s only going to get better.

I am so grateful to you God.