Why do tears fall when you’re sad?

Why don’t we get the hiccups instead?

I can’t sleep ofcourse and it’s because I took a nice long nap as soon as I got home today. That night was so good that I woke up and cleaned up a little bit. Yeah I know… I don’t have any furniture but my clothes were everywhere. I’m really lazy when it comes to housecleaning and even more so now that I know I won’t be having any company anytime soon.

Soooo….I’ve been laying here just doing what I do best- thinking.

Thinking about….Ruby and her new attitude since she read the book called The Secret. I tried to introduce her to similar principles when I read THE GAME OF LIFE but she just wasn’t ready and I even sent the book to her but it didn’t do anything. When she picked up The Secret, it clicked. I’m so glad I didn’t have to press. All I did was pray. Now when we talk to each other she’s feeding me the same principles that have changed my life. We’re on the same level now and I’m glad she’s there with me. She has so much peace now.

Thinking about…When I’ll be able to see my sons again. All of our birthdays are during the summer but I can’t go down to Miami 3 times to celebrate. My 10 year class reunion is also this summer and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it to that because I really want to be there for my kids first day of school. My Boo Boo is starting kindergarten. Although he is a big boy I just want to be there to walk him inside and give him a blessing on that day. So it looks like I won’t see them for their birthdays or be able to attend my class reunion. The latter sucks because I was the Senior class president and that’s gonna look bad PLUS my bestfriend Anna took control of organizing the event when she saw I was too busy seeking my destiny and I wanted to support her by at least showing up. We’ll see. If God wants me there He will make a way.

Thinking about….my birthday. Damn…I’m gonna be 28. Almost as old as Val. 27 was such a marvelous year for me I really don’t want it to end. I’m a completely different person than I was when I turned 27. I can’t imagine how much more I’m going to evolve over the coming year.

Thinking about…solitude and how I never asked for this. It’s not like I ever wished to be without my sons. I honestly never imagined my life without them so all of these experiences that I am having now…this all feels like a dream. I went to California and hung out with my girls! I got to kick it in Louisiana with Ruby. I moved to muthafuckin HOUSTON, Texas on a wish and slept in a homeless shelter. Ummm…Who’s life is this? That’s okay…I will do more than PROVIDE for my boys, I am setting them up a generational blessing.

Thinking about…the fact that I stopped smoking Black & Milds. Yeah man… It’s been about 2 weeks now and I still think about buying some but I just turn the page in my mind. I really only smoked because I was bored so when I used the last little bit of medicine in my inhaler I knew that it was time to stop. I can breathe in and out with ease now. It’s a beautiful feeling. I replace those desires to smoke with talking to God. But I tell you what….If a bitch pass me a blunt, I sholl with hit that shit.

Thinking about…my belly. It’s gotten a lot worse as I’ve gained weight. I don’t weigh myself because it’s not that serious but I see how my flabby, baby mama belly jiggles when I take a shower. When I see my belly in pictures for some reason, I think it’s cute. I know I’m too lazy to work out and not wealthy enough to get a tummy tuck so…I may as well appreciate what I have. Ain’t nobody seeing me naked anyway.

Thinking about….Kim. She doesn’t have a paying job yet, so until she does, God has been paying her bills and she’s grateful. She actually started volunteering as a teacher for computer classes, which she LOVES to do and she believes it is her gift. When she called to tell me about her first day I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I’m so proud of her. She’s not stressing or worrying. I’m telling you, if you cast your care on the Lord, He will make your burdens light. Why worry when the ONE who created everything loves you and has promised to take care of you? Why save and horde all of your belongings and money when God has promised to be your supply? If you truly trust God you should say, “Aight..I’ma let you handle that Lord. I’ma just chill over here and trust you to do your thang.” He always comes through. Don’t you notice that? Crying and worrying doesn’t EVER do anyone a bit of good.

Thinking about…my job and how much I love that shit. I do believe that I deserve to be in a place that I can learn and grow but this shit is overwhelming. These hoes I work with are SMART! I thought I was the smartest hoe but THESE HOES- man, they know what they are talking about and I value that in a colleague. I can’t believe I develop content for a web magazine for a living. Are you kidding me? Whenever I’m given a new assignment I’m like, “I get to do WHAT? Are you serious?” And they always look at me like I’m crazy.

Thinking about…my celibacy/abstinence/waiting on God until I have secks –deal. It’s not so hard anymore especially since I have no temptation and I’ve even cut down on masterbating. During the FREE-est time of my life I’m not freely giving my body away and that makes me feel honorable. When I saw Marsha she reminded me that whatever you give up for God, you will receive 100 times over. I was like, “Even secks?” She rolled her eyes but agreed, “Even secks, Tee.” Damn! I’ma be hunching like crazy! I can’t WAIT! We’re gonna be living in Erotic City!

Thinking about…trying to take my behind to sleep.

I will..holla.