Consistent Self Examination

As usual I spent the day in meditation about the condition of my heart.

I also went out to lunch with my coworkers to this barbecue place that was OFF THE CHAIN! Backyard Barbecue, I think it was…or something like that. Tomorrow we are going to take the TRAIN somewhere to get drinks. You know I don’t drink when I’m with people I don’t know so..I’ll just enjoy some water and hopefully not get on their nerves with my incessant talk of success and prosperity. I know that must be annoying at times to have to listen to me but that’s really all that’s on my heart. I’m always examining my attitudes and trying to be righteous and I’m always thinking of my next step in my career and what I need to do to get to my ultimate goal.

I don’t know why I even waste my time, my plans never come true, God always leads me where He wants me to be.

In my romantic fantasy world, Kanye is currently winning over The Prez because Kanye has a connection to God and The Prez has never demonstrated to me that He has one. All the brilliance and handsomeness and nerdiness in the world won’t make up for a lack of an intimate relationship wth God. That sucks cuz…I really wanted to do it with him too. I’m not as attracted to Kanye physically. In fact, I don’t think of Kanye in a sexual way at all; I just appreciate his spirit.

This is bonkers. Maybe neither one of them are for me because I do expect it all in one package of a man.

Next week will make 6 MONTHS since I’ve had secks. Abstinence is a mutha!

~stunned~

~crying~ I don’t know what’s going on with me but if this is how God wants my life to be then so be it…I’m not superlonely, I have my internet ofcourse and my friends call me consistently but…living in this world of self reflection is quite..I don’t even know the word.

I eat all of my meals alone usually. I come home and sit here alone. On the weekends I am all alone. Even at work when I’m with people, I feel like I’m alone.

Why did a reader send me this email today and it encouraged me quite a bit:

If you are going through a time of isolation, seemingly all alone, read John 17 . It will explain exactly why you are where you are— because Jesus has prayed that you “may be one” with the Father as He is. Are you helping God to answer that prayer, or do you have some other goal for your life?

Since you became a disciple , you cannot be as independent as you used to be. God reveals in John 17 that His purpose is not just to answer our prayers, but that through prayer we might come to discern His mind. Yet there is one prayer which God must answer, and that is the prayer of Jesus— “. . . that they may be one just as We are one . . .” ( John 17:22 ).

Are we as close to Jesus Christ as that? God is not concerned about our plans; He doesn’t ask, “Do you want to go through this loss of a loved one, this difficulty, or this defeat?” No, He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, and nobler men and women, or they are making us more critical and fault-finding, and more insistent on our own way. The things that happen either make us evil, or they make us more saintly, depending entirely on our relationship with God and its level of intimacy.

If we will pray, regarding our own lives, “Your will be done” ( Matthew 26:42 ), then we will be encouraged and comforted by John 17, knowing that our Father is working according to His own wisdom, accomplishing what is best. When we understand God’s purpose, we will not become small-minded and cynical. Jesus prayed nothing less for us than absolute oneness with Himself, just as He was one with the Father. Some of us are far from this oneness; yet God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him— because Jesus prayed, “. . . that they all may be one . . . .”

John 17
Jesus Prays for His Disciples
6″I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 11I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one. 12While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. 13″I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. 14I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. 18As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.

Jesus Prays for All Believers
20″My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24″Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25″Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

I don’t know if I’m a disciple. I surely didn’t ask to be one or desire to be one. My one desire is to please God with my life and to be a good mother to my sons, loving them the way God loves me.

God please check my heart for anything negative or incorrect. I speak into so many people’s lives and they trust and value my opinion. I always want to be true to how I feel but I don’t want to lead anyone the wrong way. I just want to live according to the TRUTHS you placed on my heart. I want to do the right thing.