Share My World

The Perfect Pitch

What kind of a professional am I?

Am I a newspaper reporter?

Am I a magazine journalist?

Am I a motivational speaker?

Am I a columnist?

Am I a television personality?

Am I a radio personality?

Am I a biographer?

Am I a visionary?

Am I an actress?

Maybe I’m all that…

Today I spent a good amount of time doing research and preparing for an important interview that I have tomorrow morning.

I’m not well versed on the topic at hand but that doesn’t scare me because I have FRIENDS who are brilliant and I’m never at a loss when I really need help because… of all the gifted people I know, someone always has the information I need.

After consulting with the most brilliant minds I know and receiving guidance on intelligent questions to ask, I sat down to revise and add my own flavor to them and then I casually called my office mate to discuss the questions.

This dude blew my mind. He comes from an extensive radio broadcast background while I am well versed in Internet and Print.

For those who think journalism is journalism, lemme tell you- it’s not.

Even when I was at the newspaper in Houston my publisher used to cringe when she read my questions, she said they sounded like television broadcast questions. It’s all in the way I frame a question.

In radio, my co worker explained, the questions are simple, quick and uncomplicated.

Huh?

I NEVER ask simple questions. My questions are usually thought provoking, challenging and worded very intelligently because that’s how I write.

So to hear him challenge me in my interview preparation process really threw me off the curb.

Damn… I don’t want to alienate readers but I also don’t want to be like, “So…What’s going on in your world?”

I would NEVER ask an interview subject such a vague question. My questions are direct and often times CUTTING. I’ve been known to make an interview subject gulp and ask for water.

I’m not trying to be difficult, I just ask questions that require thought. I’m not looking for quick sound bytes, I’m looking to educate and pull information about the evolution of the subject’s lives and their mentality.

Is this appropriate for what we are doing?

Hmm….

I spoke with my Director and she says she trusts me to work my magic and not be a carbon copy of the interview style of the show. I told her that I want this new feature to be distinctive with its own signature flair while my co worker believes that if the website has the same audience as the show then we shouldn’t change the delivery of the message.

Wow!

~singing~

See you at the crossroads, crossroad, crossroads, See you at the crossroads..So you won’t looonely!

I love this job!

Imagine that….He and I are coming from two different journalistic mediums and we have to find a happy place in between.

I love working with these smart people!

I learn so much!

I wonder if my past experience in television, radio and print can really cultivate a distinct radio interviewing style that won’t alienate listeners due to my above average vocabulary.

Can I dumb myself down a bit? Is that what the listeners really want?

Ehhhh…I’m not so sure.

Man…I’m gonna be up for quite a while, trying to compromise in the phrasing of my questions. This is really not the interview subject to be playing around with.

Man FUCK THAT!

I’m Ms. Tee!

Everytime I come through with some real shit! MY shit blows up!

I’m gonna be ME!

distinctly ME…

I don’t have to study a damn person or take notes off a damn thang…

My shit pops no matter what! I’m gifted.

Fuck it…

I’m gonna give it up to God. I can not fail. I’m in God’s divine will.

God, please give me a voice that is pleasing to the ear and the perfect words in the perfect pitch for my big interview tomorrow.

Thanks!

I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About

You know what I just realized?

I’m really a looney toon.

I sit up here and IMAGINE my way into these “relationships” with men and give them all of this honor and glory and admiration when they have done nothing to deserve it.

Take for example, the Prez.

Yeah, he could probably get some based on his cute lil personality, his beautiful smile, his resume and his stellar communication style but really…do I KNOW him?

He could be a man who gossips? I HATE MEN WHO GOSSIP! That trait has ‘down low’ written all over it.

He could be insecure and unsure like my first boss out of college. His team RAN HIM, he had no say about what went on. He had to get everyone’s opinion before he made a decision.

He could be on the down low for all I know…

Or maybe he’s not.

All I know is…I’ve been avoiding praying for God to send a man into my life because I thought I had to be BIG TIME before I even thought about that so I kinda been like…”Aww..I just wanna have secks God…” I think I’m gonna buckle down and ask for a true companion.

Not someone that I have to IMAGINE likes me.

I’m tired of sitting around imagining what it would be like for a man to like me. I’m tired of the damn fantasies and the masterbating and the “Believing in faith” for what I dream about to come true.

You know what? Fuck it… Maybe that shit ain’t meant to be.

I want a real fucking man who SEES who is in front of him and wants to snatch me up…Fuck all that I’ma wait around shit. What? Do I have to prove myself to you? Bitch please!

Go on about your business, dude.

I ain’t the one.

~sigh~

I guess I’m just frustrated ya’ll.

Just like The Prez can’t grasp the concept of a rainbow…I can’t quite grasp the idea of someone wanting me and expressing their desire for me. Except for LEM and all those other dudes who HAVE GIRLFRIENDS!

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE if you have a fucking girlfriend, LIVE WITH YO MAMA, or don’t think you’re worthy to stand beside a Superstar. Stop telling me you love me, miss me or that I’m the idea of perfection when you’re laid up with someone else. It’s as though they see me as their fantasy but they are holding on to their reality because they don’t believe their fantasy is attainable. I’m tired of downplaying myself, living in fantasies and putting myself out there only to be ignored or pushed away.

You ain’t man enough for me…

I’m just tired and lonely ya’ll and I’m tired of playing pretend with all of these pretenders.

I want to be secure and safe in giving all of my love and gifts…

But as I get to know the people around me I’m finding that… none of them are worthy…they all have hidden agendas.

No one is pure.

No one really cares unless it helps them…

Hollup…lemme snap out of it.

Lemme get some rest. Please pray for me.

I’m Lovin It

I didn’t sleep at all on Sunday night.

Because I didn’t have an internet connect at my apartment yet I found myself at my office until after 1am, preparing for my early morning interview.

I was hella nervous but I encouraged myself by saying that whatever I produce is a product of me so just like I could never be ashamed of my children, I should never be ashamed of doing my best work.

When I went home I laid out on the floor and tossed and turned all night. I prayed and prayed that things would turn out right. The perfectionist in me wanted to blow people’s minds with my interview. I wanted to shine!

When I saw that it was 5am, I said, “Fuck it, I may as well get dressed.”

So I took my time taking a nice long bath and then lotioned myself down and meticulously applied my makeup.

“Damn I look good,” I thought as I took a full turn in the mirror. My designerjeans fit just right, the top I wore was one of my favorites from wayyyy back and my heels accented them just nicely. I pulled on one of my favorite sweaters that I bought for $10 from the shoe store. I remember when I bought that sweater the sales lady wrinkled her nose and asked, “Do you actually LIKE this?”

I shook my head at her. Only a true diva would know that this sweater was hot shit and I only wear it when I want to look extra fly.

I drove down to my office building and rode the elevator up to my office to sit and meditate for a few minutes. When I saw that it was after 6am, I went down to the studio and one of the production men let me in.

He showed me the sound booth where my interview would take place but since I was about an hour and a half early, he told me that I could go into the studio where the RADIO MAN was brodcasting his show and sit and listen.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, he’s cool. Just sit down in one of those chairs. He doesn’t mind. Just be quiet.”

So I snuck in and sat down. My heart was beating so fast. I texted Anna and told her to tune into the show because I was sitting right there with everyone.

After a little while, the Radio Man called out my name, “Ms. Tee, I’m sure you can’t hear from over there. Come on over and put on some headphones so you can listen in.”

I almost died.

He knows my name!

I walked over to the center desk and sat down next to Ms. S. She smiled at me and continued talking to the other radio personalities.

I thought I was going to faint.

“I’m not ready for all of this!” I thought. “I may just die right now on the spot.”

Everyone was acting all cool about it. I guess for them this is everyday life but for me this is a dream come true.

As I laughed at the jokes being made and texted Anna with inside jokes I noticed a figure standing at the door. I gulped and took a swig of my Gatorade. He’s here.

He walked in confidently looking just like he does on TV.

He came over and introduced himself to everyone, including me and I smiled and shook his hand confidently.

As the Radio Man gave away the money for the cash call and commenced to asking him questions I bolted from the room and to the bathroom because I had to pee so bad and I wanted to be waiting for him in the sound booth.

By the time I got back to the booth he was already inside recording “drops”. That is when he does promotional lines for the show like, “Hi this is _______, with the RADIO MAN morning show wishing you a Merry Christmas.

I held my breath and walked in and stood by while he finished. He started to get up when I said, “Do you have a few minutes for a quick interview with THE WEBSITE?”

He looked rushed.

“Ok, I’ll give you 3 minutes.”

I didn’t want to waste them by doing my intro or outro so I just dove right into the questions. I must admit, he didn’t seem GAY like everyone says he is. He was just…petite. I wanted to play patty cake with him. He’s skinnier than I am and maybe a little taller.

INSIDE THE LISTENING ROOM with JOHN LEGEND

After it was done I beat myself up about what I asked and what I didn’t ask, what I sounded like and how I could have done better.

I had to calm down so I called Anna and told her about the one WILD question I asked him. She laughed so loudly! “Girl, he’s always gonna remember you for asking that,” she said.

I just remember him kind of rolling his eyes when I asked, “So…who’s more talented, you or Kanye?”

I wanted to know what he thought so I asked him. Why was that wrong?

After all of that I went upstairs to my office and I tried to do some work. Ruby called me to see how the interview went and I told her that I was uneasy about it.

“Girl, you have sowed seeds for all of these years for this. You have started websites, run your own podcasts, worked at a whole bunch of places, sacrificed and believed in faith! Your ass moved to muthafuckin HOUSTON with nothing just so you can make it. There’s no WAY you can fail. Whatever you did or said will be just right because you have invested too much into your dream. It won’t be denied! I’m sure it is great!”

I felt relieved after hearing that. She’s right. There’s no way that I can fall when I have put so much on the line and dared to step outside of my comfort zone to push it to the limit and accomplish my dreams. I have cried so many nights, slept in my car, been kicked out of so many places, had to drink WATER to fill my belly sometimes all with the faith that I will be able to give my gifts and be appreciated and compensated for them. I’ve lost FRIENDS over this shit!

I can’t lose.

By the Monday morning Programming meeting I thought I woud faint from lack of sleep and lack of food. My head was throbbing and my eyes were hurting. I was doing everything I could to seem normal and pay attention. I was completely overwhelmed by my good fortune.

The Radio Man joined us again and as I sat there amidst all of these brilliant minds hashing out ideas I looked out over the Dallas skyline and blanked out.

What am I doing here?

How did I get here?

Am I really sitting here with the Radio Man? Does he really like my work? How did I get here? How come all of my dreams are coming true? Can I handle all of this? Am I good enough to make this last?

To make matter worse, The Prez was there looking oh so fine in a powder blue button down shirt. Everytime he asks someone a question he takes notes and I just love to see him writing. Yeah..I know that sounds corny but I love to watch him write. Man..I’m weird.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him so the entire meeting I looked at my hands and the occasional text message from my Director with instructions on things to say or ask.

The meeting finally ended and I made my way back to my office and somehow…finished out the whole day without fainting.

When I got home I took a shower, popped some tylenol to combat the pain from my obviously infected tooth and I slept… and slept…and slept…

And slept….

Am I really on my way to achieving all that I ever hoped for?

It sure feels like it.

Please God help me to believe that I deserve to experience the realization of every one of my dreams. I know they will come true, I just can’t believe that I deserve it. I want to believe but it’s hard. Thank you so much for my friends who encourage me and remind me of how special I am.

Help me to bring honor to your name despite not being all “churchy” and acting like I have all the answers all the time. I know I’m so different from all of your other ministers but I feel like my life is a ministry too.

Use my life to glorify You. Keep my heat pure and allow me to continue to do good work for this company because I am loving every minute of it.

Still Warming Up

I don’t know why I like this city so much when I still feel so invisible here.

I know people see me. I can see them stare…but still there’s no real connection. Tamara says it’s because I don’t want to make a connection with anyone.

“Tee, you make friends wherever you go. You don’t have any friends yet because you don’t WANT friends yet,” she told me on the phone yesterday.

I stopped short. I hate it when she does that to me.

She may be right.

I’m still looking around and getting a feel for people. Maybe it’s my fear that I will meet someone I like and they will dissappoint me like Kia did, and like Young CEO did, and like JB did. When I became friends with them I thought we’d be friends for life and imagine my surprise when months after falling in love with them, we no longer even speak to each other.

That old saying, “People are either in your life for a reason, season or lifetime,” may be true. In fact, I know it is and I embrace that now. I’ve learned not to blame myself for losing friends or for people not being true to me. Knowing each one of those people contributed to my life in a positive way and although I miss each one of them, I recognize that every man (or woman) that comes into my life is a link in the chain toward my greater good.

Damn…. I spend so much time alone. So much time to fantasize and strategize and analyze everything. I still wonder why I am in Dallas at this job. While I never envision myself working for someone else’s company indefinitely, I hope that while I am here, that I contribute remarkably to their efforts and I will always be a supporter of their mission.

My co worker that i mentioned before who is just as sweet as icecream and fun to be around, told me that I needed to go out and hang and explore the city more. ~yawn~ I’d rather explore the restaurants.

I wonder if this “I’d rather be by myself” phase I’m in is some sort of funk or defense mechanism. I haven’t really given anyone at work a chance to be my friend because the people I have had conversations with, well… my spirit doesn’t gel with theirs.

You know I can sense something a bit off in people when I meet them and I stay AWAY from people when I sense that. I sometimes wonder if I’m cut out for corporate America. Remember I’m not interested in the social political games that must be played. I’m not fake, I can’t smile and then run and criticize you the next minute. I’m not trying to be up in anyone’s business because I don’t care.

I don’t know man… This job is a perfect fit for my skill set, but it may not be the ideal place for me. It’s crazy living a life with no fear. I don’t fear being fired at all. And it’s not because I know I’m the shit, it’s because everytime I have gotten fired, I have found a much better job!

Getting fired from this job would be GREAT! It would only mean I was moving on to the next level. But I don’t think I have to think about that for now… I guess they like my contributions, and if there are some that don’t, it doesn’t matter because they aren’t in a position to hire or fire me so they don’t matter anyway.

I’m reading Kanye’s Mama’s book. Her publicist sent it to me. I am going to interview her over the phone tomorrow afternoon and I threw away my list of questions because I don’t want to do an interview like I did with John Legend. I want to have a conversation with her. I hope she is open to that. I pray that things turn out well.

Next week almost the entire office will be gone on THE CRUISE. The people who aren’t going are excited because they said that the office is so quiet when everyone is away. Since I share an office with two other people my office is never really quiet. I can usually tune them out when I’m trying to organize but most times I enjoy their conversations with their friends and their music…unless I’m trying to create the vision for a project…then I NEED QUIET. I don’t wanna hear no extraneous crap. I’m trying to create. If you want brilliance I need certain conditions. I’m so frustrated that I haven’t come up with the vision for one of my projects yet. Everytime I get started thinking someone comes in and I lose my train of thought. Damn!

I miss my friends. I miss my kids.

Everyone is steadily moving on with their lives without me just as I am moving on with my life…alone. I wonder if all of this will be worth it in the end. If it’s not I’ll just drop it and start again, never resting until I find satisfaction.

Man…I got the best email from a reader today. I promise…those emails energize me. It’s good to see that some people understand where I am in my life without offering their criticism or instruction. Some people just…celebrate me.

Lord, I’m grateful that my internet connection is turned on in my house. I’m grateful for cable too but there are so many channels that I just turn the TV off because I don’t like to surf TV like that. I’m seriously believeing for the money to pay the bill when it comes- LOL!- But it is nice to hear a voice besides mine when I’m in the house, even if it is Al Bundy’s.

Consider the Source

My friend called me tonight with a story.

After another friend of hers inquired about her past relationship, she informed her that there was nothing to speak of and the friend convinced her that she didn’t have closure and should reconnect with the man from her past with an offer of friendship.

This friends words shook the peace my friend had and my friend took her advice. She emailed him, reaching out to him, requesting a renewal of friendship and she even received a response from him.

She called me asking me to read the letter. I did.

She asked me, “Do you sense a connection in the words we wrote to each other?”

I was quiet.

“Tee? What do you think?”

I was quiet, considering my words carefully.

“Don’t you EVER listen to that ol broke down hoe again! That bitch ain’t got no man! She lonely and trying to create drama in your life for her own entertainment. It makes NO SENSE for you to be trying to open up some shit that he closed. He didn’t recognize your worth before and now you’re trying to play Superangel and show him that no matter what you’ll be there for him. Why? He sholl ain’t trying to play that role for you. Remember what Donovan said? When it’s the man God has for you, you won’t be able to STOP him from loving you!”

“Consider the source!” I challenged her. “Don’t you think I have to hear from people all over the country about what they think I should do. They call me with authority and offer their opinions and I listen and just shrug it off it’s not what I want to do. Sometimes I do get all emotional when people try to tell me what they think I should feel or do, but then I realize that when it’s advice being presented from God, it brings peace, not confusion or anxiety or causes me to backtrack on what I originally felt peace about. Consider the source! That hoe ain’t in no way a role model for you! Do you want to be like her when you grow up? Hell no! Be YOU. Know your value. Know that you don’t have to position yourself to attract or keep a man.”

“Please dawg…” I pleaded with her. “Don’t be like me. I need somebody to get it right. Learn from my stupidity. Don’t be like me. Get it right the first time so you won’t have to go through the healing process.”

Aching Jaws

I actually got some work done today.

I got in about 8:15 and commenced to doing my thang, yawning the whole time because my job is rather easy. I’d like to do more creative work but for now getting a firm handle on this administrative stuff is a good idea.

I worked all day and FINALLY the time came for me to interview Kanye’s Mama about her book. I wasn’t nervous at all. I was soooo excited!

When I called her she said that she was shopping for office furniture and would go out to her car so we can talk in private. The interview went great! I couldn’t be more proud of my signature interviewing style. Part professional, part homegirl, all GENUINELY inquisitive.

Ya’ll won’t believe this…well, yes ya’ll will— I told her, “I love your son!” I poured out my heart so she would understand that I’m not really a Kanye West fan but I’m more of a fan of his spirit and his fearlessness and the way he lives his life.

At the end I told her, “Make sure you tell Kanye I said Hi.”

She laughed and said, “I sure will.”

She knows my name! YAY!

I’ll post the link to the audio as soon as it goes on the website.

When I got home each of my friends called to see how my interview went and I told them all that I’m in love with Kanye’s Mama. She was soo nice and easy to talk to. Just like a Mama should be.

I even spoke to Mimi, who informed me that her divorce was finally FINAL.

My little sister is seeking an anullment of her marriage since her husband left her.

Man…these were the last two weddings that I went to. Both of them assured me that GOD told them to get married.

~sigh~

I don’t know…

Donovan said that there should be at least two other reasons to get married besides being “in love”. Now I see what he is saying.

I used to tell Tamara that I thought marriage should be viewed as a business decision. You weigh the pros and cons. You predict the brightest outcome and you move forward with your plan intact, focused on accomplishing your goals.

“I don’t need all of that lovey dovey stuff,” I told her. “That can come later. What I want is a man who sees how his union and mine could make a BIG difference in this world, ultimately making us lots of money so we can bless lots of people. The steady pursuit of his vision combined with mine will bring a certain kind of “love” once we both admire each other’s work ethic and brilliance. We don’t need to take years to decide. All we need is a firm word of integrity and the tenacity to see it through. I’d get married quickly if I felt the man had the same heart I did. I don’t need a long courtship. I want someone who is ready to get started creating the vision.”

“Mmm, hmmm,” Tamara said. “I can see that for you Tee. You’re business minded.”

“And we’re definitely getting a pre-nup. I see nothing wrong with that,” I said confidently.

Man…I don’t know what’s going on with my body.

Every night I have these pains in my jaw and my head hurts. I think it’s my tooth. When I get back from my weekend away, I’m going to find an urgent care and have it pulled. I saw signs today for peridontal specialists. I don’t know what that is but I hope they are dentists. My next fantasy is to get all of my overdue dental work done so that my breath will be better and then I can get my teeth capped or whatever so that I can be more confident when I give speeches and host things.

One step at a time toward my destiny.

Please pray for my Baby Daddy. It seems that he still hasn’t grown past trying to degrade me. It doesn’t affect me as much because…his opinion doesn’t matter anymore but…I wish we could be friends, or at least I wish he would be the kind of friend that I would be to him.

Oww…Let me go take some more tylenol for this aching jaw.

Divine Guidance

After a consultation with the Blog World’s own, Dr. Black, I learned that my aching jaws was more serious than I thought. The fact that I had been taking pain medication around the clock for over a week was a serious sign when I rarely take meds at all.

But last night was the worse. I felt like my face was going to explode. I don’t know anyone here to refer me to a doctor or dentist so I hopped on the net and there doesn’t seem to be any Emergency rooms near where I live. I found an emergency dentist’s number and he actually called me back.

I’m supposed to go see him first thing in the morning if my head doesn’t explode before then. I feel like Mike Tyson just swung on me. I want to be babied but there’s no one to baby me. I managed to sleep for two hours before the pain woke me up. I took a swig of Dr. Tichenors Peppermint Mouthwash and that numbed me for a little while.

It’s not a good idea to wait until your body forces you to take care of it. Hopefully, I’ll never have to do that again.

This may be just the push I need to go get everything taken care of.

Affirmation: This is my life and my journey. Every wrong choice made in the past will be corrected by divine right. There are no wrong turns in my future, only divine guidance leading me and my family to the Promised Land.

Mountains are Real: Just like my Fantasies

Well…I made it back safe and sound from the West coast.

My trip to see Raycita graduate was nothing short of heavenly. I had never been to California before and I’m glad I was blessed to be able to take the trip. In the midst of my 3 hour flight from Dallas I thought to myself, “Damn this hoe live far!”

When I got there it was a little after 10 Pacific time which meant it was already after midnight in my time zone. Marsha was there too, looking sleepy because she lives on the East coast and her body was experiencing the burn of a 3 hour time difference.

Raycita didn’t care. She was krunk because she was FINALLY graduating from law school. As soon as I hopped into her car at the airport she was like, “Ready to go out?” I laughed.

“Aight. I’m down.”

So we stopped by the hotel so I could freshen up and we got back in the truck for the 45 minute ride from San Jose to Oakland to go to a club called The Sky Box. When we got there the line was like…miles long and I know for a fact I wasn’t about to stand in anyone’s line so we marched right to the front and I let Raycita do her thing.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably more like 15 minutes, Raycita handed me a ticket and we walked in free of charge.

The club was sooo nice! I really liked the layout. The DJ was great. The women were cute. And the guys were pretty…short…but they actually DANCED. I was blowed. Men from Miami DON’T DANCE. It’s a rule. But these guys did…And it wasn’t really that sweet, pop your fingers cuz I’m on the down low, Atlanta type dancing. Somebody said they were Hyphy or something. Whatever. I enjoyed them.

We made our way back to San Jose and fell asleep. The next morning Marsha and I hopped up to get ready for graduation and when we got to the campus I felt like I was in some white college movie. The school was so beautiful! I yelled out 3-0-5!!!! as Raycita walked across the stage and she shook her head.

Her mom was there and her brother and two of his sons. I enjoyed them all. Next we went to dinner and I got to do some of my icebreakers while we waited for the food. I led them in a game of 2 Truths and a Lie where everyone takes turns making three statements about themselves. Two have be true statements and one has to be a lie. The other participants must guess which statemen is a lie.

As an example I said, “Ok, here’s my first statement: I was a model….” As my voice trailed off, I heard giggles.

Raycita spoke up, “Um… Tee, the boys said, ‘They already know what the lie is!'”

I almost fell on the floor laughing!

After that we went back to the hotel to change and drive to San Francisco to go to the Pier 39 and take the bay tour. Oh my gosh! San Francisco is so beautiful! I fantasized about moving again for a moment. I saw the “Everywhere you look… there’s a heart” houses. I saw the TROLLEY! There was a man hiding behind a bush and when people would walk by…he would shake the bush at them, scaring them! LOL! There was also a man dressed like a dog and all of hs dogs had costumes too. Marsha took pictures with them.

We took the Bay tour and saw the Golden Gate Bridge which is actually red. I wonder why they call it Golden? We also saw the ROCK, you know, that prison that was in the middle of the water and no one has ever escaped. It was cold as hell on that water!

The best part about that tour was being able to see all of the houses sitting on the mountainside. Ya’ll! I had never seen MOUNTAINS before! And they build their houses on the mountainside! Right on the side! Like them bitches ain’t gonna just slide off! Hell naw….

When you’re driving around the city you can see the mountains in the distance. They look like paintings, it’s so beautiful! I was over here worried about Raycita and she’s living it up!

While I was down at the Pier I walked by a lady who said, “Can I give you a sample palm reading?” I always wanted to do that but I was afraid of these people having evil spirits or something but now that I don’t live a life of fear, I decided that I’d do it just for fun.

Marsha was pissed. She even screamed at me, “How much money are you giving to SATAN?”

I rolled my eyes.

Dude..It’s just for fun. Live a little….

~sigh~

I actually wrote down everything she said to me so I could share it with you. Whether it’s true or not… It was so wild hearing these positive words from a total stranger.

I held out my palm and she looked at the lines.

You will have a long life and you will die peacefully in your sleep.

You’re stuborn but you have a good heart and you always try to do the right thing.

I see 2-3 kids around you. I don’t know how they will come into your life, they may be stepkids or adopted but there wil be 2-3.

You recently made a big move. It may have been a new job or new place and you were scared at first because you didn’t know if it was the right decision. Well… It is. This is the place for you.

I see that you have a strong desire for love but you don’t really believe that it will happen for you. You don’t believe it at all, but it will. You will have love.

Your soulmate is already around you, but you already know that. Just take it step by step and it will happen just as it’s supposed to.

Your career goals are to open a small business. “I do NOTHING on a small scale,” I interrupted her. She ignored me and continued. Your business will flourish and the rest of this year will go fine but by this time next year you will be exactly where you want to be.

Also…I see you have a Guardian Angel around you protecting you night and day and guiding you. You hear a voice and you think it’s you but it’s your Angel and it’s good that you listen to what it is saying.

Today I called Anna and read her the list and she said, “I coulda told you all that!” I laughed and she continued, “But isn’t it fun to hear it from someone who doesn’t know you. I believe it all.”

The wildest part about my trip was the difference in spirit of my two friends whom I have known since 1998 when we met their freshman year of college.I noticed a difference in Marsha’s spirit the last time I went to Miami and I couldn’t quite understand the root of it. She’s a bit more edgy. A bit less soft and sweet. She actually ranked/jonesed/cracked/made fun of me during this trip and I don’t recognize that as part of her personality and it honestly upset me because I felt like I had to be combative in return and all I really want to do is bless and praise. I don’t understand why there’s a shift like that but I don’t like it. I already argue enough with Dianna but that’s just how we do it..and I know there’s no love lost.With Marsha, I feel like there may be some underlying issue that is unresolved. If so, I wish she would talk to me about it.With Raycita. Her spirit was much more quiet than I have ever seen it. Raycita is from MIAMI. And one of the things I loved about her was that she was a true MIAMI GIRL, complete with anklet, tattoo on her back, head full of weave and a MIAMI ATTITUDE. But this Raycita was not that girl.This Raycita was…sweet. I was blowed! She didn’t utter a harsh word or cause a fuss. She just seemed happy that things were going smoothly and she seemed so at peace. I almost cried because she hugged me TWICE. TWICE! Raycita doesn’t hug. I felt so loved…I couldn’t take it. I wanna see her again…really soon.All in all… when I got back on the plane to head back to Dallas I smiled and thought, “I’m ready to go home.” I really like Dallas. I like who I am here. I like what I’m doing here. I like driving around in this city. Everyone in my office is gone on the cruise. Well, no one in my department is but most of the other departments are gone. Today my office mates and I drove around town, the veteran was showing us the sights and took us to an internet cafe. Since both my younger co worker and I are new to Dallas my other office mate has planned activities to show us around town. I’m sure my Director asked her to do that.Either way…I’m grateful.I spoke to Donovan today. He’s going to write a Father’s Day article for the site. He told me about his trip to Paris and Africa with Ashley. Yes, he is now engaged. But he didn’t propose to her in Paris. It turns out he proposed a week and a half before they went because he says, “Tomorrow is not promised. I wanted her to know that I love her and I want her to be my wife and I was tired of waiting around and hiding so I woke her up at about 2 in the morning one night and I asked her to marry me. She said yes and then went back to sleep.”I wrinkled my nose. I guess that could be seen as romantic because he just couldn’t wait another minute but…damn…its about the story she gets to tell to all of her friends… Uh…he woke me up, slipped the ring on my finger and we went back to sleep. LOL!Donovan is truly unique.My Director sent me an email forward about how my old boyfriend Nick Cannon proposed to his girlfriend. I thought it was a bit over the top but sweet nonetheless. ~sigh~ I wonder how Kanye is going to propose to me. Ofcourse it’ll be in public because I love attention but I want it to be meaningful and not just a show for the world. I don’t need a HUGE ring, although it has to be more than a carat because my fingers are big.~shakes head~Here I go again in my imaginary world with my imaginary boyfriend… I need to stop.Plus the fact that today my heart was hurting…get this…because the Prez went on the cruise and I missed him. Yeah…don’t kill me. I’m a fantasy freak nerd in love with two men who ain’t paying me a lick of attention or even know that I exist. I can’t help it. I try not to be like that but I can’t help it. It’s not like I see him around the office on a daily basis or anything but…I guess I just liked knowing he was aroundI can’t wait for him to get back so I can ignore him some more!

Type 4: Romantics, Individualists, Artists

“You’re definitely a 4,” Raycita typed to me one night on yahoo messenger.

“What is that?”

“We’re studying it in school. It’s the Enneagram. The 9 personality types and you are a 4. The Artist.”

“What are you?”

“I’m an 8. A Challenger.”

“So what is the chief characteristic of a 4?”

“Umm..Doesn’t believe rules apply to them. Withdrawal into Fantasy Self.”

“Damn! That sounds like me!”

Once I got to Cali I begged Raycita to let me borrow her book on the subject but I wish I hadn’t.

Here I am thinking that I am so unique and special and mysterious and gifted that no one could possibly understand my mission on this earth and that is exactly why I have not found love yet because no man can handle me and no man can understand who I am or where I am going.

And then I read this:

Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings and consequently that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, posessing special, one of a kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.

Healthy fours are honest with themselves; they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them. They may not necessarily like what they discover but they do not try to rationalize their states nor do they try to hide them from themselves or others.

Healthy fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience- so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history.

Relationship problems arise because fours are often romantically involved with people who have qualities that fours admire and or want in themselves, but then end up envying or resenting the loved one for having the quality.

Idealizing the other can quickly shift to rejecting them for their slightest flaws. At the same time, fours are often attracted to people who are, for some reason or another, unavailable.

They spend a great amount of time longing to have the desirable other to themselves and destesting anyone who has the other’s attention.

Fours feel that the rules of ordinary life do not apply to them. “I do what I want to do when and how I want to do it.” Thus they can be privately grandiose, imagining that, becaue of their great, undiscovered talent, they deserve to be treated better than ordinary people. They feel exempt from the laws of society, dismissive of rules and regulations and contemptuous of any constraints, particularly regarding their feelings.

Ex: My sense of entitlement comes from thinking of myself as superior and unusually sensitive, so I shouldn’t be expected to do what mere mortals have to do, especially when it’s aesthetically distasteful. But my sense of entitlement also has to do with feeling just the opposite about myself- that I am inferior and incapacitated in some way, totally unable to be successful at everyday abilities that most people take for granted like holding down a regular job or having a steady, satisfying relationship.

As adults, fours seem to see everyone as stable and normal while feeling that they are flawed or at best, unfinished.

When fours become deeply identified with their Fantasy Self, they tend to repel any kind of interference with their lifestyle choices., interpreting suggestions from others as unwelcome or intrusiveness or heavy handed pressure.

I could go on but I’m blowed…

Who is this man who wrote this book called The Wisdom Of the Enneagram?

While a lot of this personality type blew the lid off the mystery of me, a lot of it was untrue as well, like the negative brooding and envious nature of the four.

Well…I’m rarely envious because I believe everyone is special so there’s no reason for me to be mad that someone else has displayed special qualities. But I used to be brooding and negative and compared myself unfavorable to everyone around me. Yes, I used to be that way until I read THE GAME OF LIFE.

Grasping onto the teachings in that book single handedly took me from a fearful state, anxious, allowing other people’s fears to sway me- and transformed me into a living, breathing SHINING STAR.

I am fearless. I love everyone. I love myself and I only expect wonderful beautiful things to happen to me since I make a habit of blessing others and praising their strengths. I always receive it in return.

I thank God for showing me who I am so that I can finally rest in my quest to understand myself.

Reading this book from Raycita brought me peace. Now I know that I am not such an enigma after all. I am not alone.

It’s okay to examine myself, believe for the best and be confused sometimes about everything. I’m human. I may be a Mom but I’m entitled to have emotions too. I’m entitled to BE ME.

Now I feel like I can relax a little but more.

Thanks God for showing me this book and thanks for giving me THE GAME OF LIFE.

It changed my life!

The Blessing Of My Boys

Man… I feel so blessed.

Today I received my first home cooked meal in Dallas. One of my co workers invited me to her house for a meal of homemade soup and salad. We laughed and she showed me her blog and I played with her dog and we went driving through the city and she showed me some of her favorite spots including a handmade icecream shop.

My belly is a little too full (and too flabby if you ask me but oh well…I’m only human).

I had such a great time with her that I still can’t get over the fact that of all of the women in my URBAN office, the ONE woman who invites me to her home to hang out is a WHITE CHICK.

I hung out with a white girl today. And we had a good time.

I’m not gonna be all hasty like I was with Kia and call her my “friend” but I can definitely tolerate her personality and I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her again. She was sweet although plenty of people at the office look at her sideways. I think it’s mainly because people are always looking for a reason to dislike someone.

I see those fake smiles and I just laugh. Ofcourse you don’t like her, look at the quality of your heart. Anyone who loves themselves and is happy would show LOVE to the people they meet. Anything other than that demonstrates clearly that you are unhappy in your life.

But I digress…

Ain’t nothing else going on but I’m working hard and loving working hard cuz I’m such a nerd. My goal is to research internet journalism awards and win a lot of awards for the site before I move on to my next destination: television.

Ahh..I really like working on the internet though. With the internet there are no rules. You can make up your own and you can combine ALL of the mediums; radio (podcasting), television (streaming video), magazine style features, and news all in one place. You can even publish books (ebooks) and teach live classes! There’s no limit on the INTERNET BABY!

I love the fucking internet!

Maybe I’ll be the first Internet Media mogul.

It’s funny how my dream has always been to manage a website, create the vision, develop content, manage writers, assign stories and win awards.

Remember when I tried to do that at the PR firm? She shut me down saying that I had too much of an entreprenural spirit.

Remember how the opportunity ALMOST came through in Houston?

Ofcourse there were so many times when I tried to start my own website (after my original ezine ofcourse) but things just didn’t fall through.

I finally feel like I’m doing what I want to do except I’m itching to get this internet thing down pat cuz…I need the experience in REAL television to make me more well rounded since I’ve already done magazines, newspapers and now..internet journalism.

On the romantic fantasy relationship tip:

Kanye and The Prez are battling it out in my mind again. I honestly can’t choose which one to be with. I guess I’ll have to go with whoever treats me the best and presents the best business plan proposal for our lives together.

Remember it’s not just about LOVE, its about building a firm foundation for our children so that they will NEVER have to go through the things I have been through. My boys will be well supported in everything they want to do just like Kanye’s Mama supported him. They will walk right into their blessing right after they are done with their schooling. I’m going to make sure of that. My struggle eliminates theirs.

That is what this is all about.

I sometimes sit and imagine my sons all grown up and prosperous. They are gonna be such NERDS! ~smile~ Just like I like’em.

My older son is so disciplined like his Daddy. I can see him running a corporation and becoming a great leader. My younger son is so charismatic and cute. He has a tender heart and I already know he’s going to be married at an early age and his focus will be primarily family.

They will be so well adjusted and appreciative of life. I will always teach them to be fearless in their lifestyle and to make it a goal to help improve the lives of others.

As much as I want to be a blessing to others by helping them to achieve their goals, I believe my sons will be an even bigger blessing to this world than I could ever imagine.

I can’t wait to hug and kiss them as grown men who have fulfilled their purpose in life.

I can’t wait to see them again!