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Ms. Tee

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Preparing For Success

Ahhh…

I feel better.

I had a headache all day long yesterday. I thought it was because I didn’t sleep well the night before. I was grouchy too because I realize that God wants me to relax and prepare for success at this job.

I had to let go of my nervousness about finally finding the right job for me and embrace the fact that this may be it. It sure feels like it. I will go out and try to find a REAL place to live. No living in a shoebox like I had planned to. Remember, If you ask for success and prepare for failure, you will receive the thing you have prepared for.

I will prepare for success. I have sent my request for the perfect apartment for the perfect price up to God and I trust that He will answer in a timely manner. I can’t WAIT to see what happens!

I haven’t heard from Donovan in two days. A couple of weeks ago he texted me asking me if I needed him to send me cash before he left to go out of the country. I told him no because my co worker had already given me $200. He wrote me back saying that when he got back he’d send me some lunch money and a little change to get something nice with.

He’s so amazing.

I haven’t heard from him and this bothered me. Today I realized why. He’s out of the country. He’s going to propose to Ashley. He’s taking her to Paris to propose to her. Maybe they are there right now. Maybe she already said YES.

I feel happy for them but honestly, I am sad that I never got the chance to have secks with him. How can you meet the PERFECT MAN and then not get a chance to experience that part of his perfection?

When I told him that I wanted to do it with him, he was like, “Tee, nothing good can come from us doing that. Even though I think it would be wonderful, either two things would happen. One, you’ll hate it and your illusion of me will be shattered OR you’ll love it and I’ll never be able to get rid of you!”

I laughed. He knows I’m his biggest fan.

“Tee, it’s nice that you think of me often but don’t allow that to distract you and cause you to miss out on who God has for you.”

~sigh~

I hate him.

I’ve been working with a writer on editing some of his pieces. I love his writing style and his sexy swagger even though I’ve known him for a while now and the gloss usually fades after knowing someone for a while. So after editing one of his pieces and telling him he did a great job, he emailed me saying:

I saw your comment on my myspace. I laughed when I read it although I know that we will have secks at some point in our lives.

I raised my eyebrow. Damn… That sounds like something I would say. He and I are TOO much alike. But huh? Oh yeah…I did tell him he looked fine as hell on his myspace pics. Well…he does!

Although he and I hooking up will probably never happen partly because he has a girlfried. Tell me why does EVERY MAN who swears he wants me have a damn girlfriend? WTF?

Even still, his comment broke a bad habit.

First of all…it was a surprise for me to hear a man say that he wanted to have secks with me. Someone desires me? Shocking…Believe it. Remember my past, men I really want…usually turn me down for secks. Think about it. Donovan. JB. Down Low Dell.

In my past, the men that I like NEVER want me.

Even though he probably said it as a joke, it helped me to get over my fantasy crush on The Prez and I promised myself that I will never fasten myself to a man in my imagination again unless he showed me that he wanted me too. I had a pattern of setting my focus on a man and then doing what I had to do to get him.

First I would tell him that I wanted him and he would resist. Then I’d have secks with him and he’d love that. Then I’d try to reason with him explaining the benefits of a relationship with me and he’s still say no thanks.

And I did all of this because in my IMAGINATION I thought that he was perfect for me. Even if he never demonstrated any interest in being with me, I was the control freak who figured that by my WILL POWER they would eventually break. Who wants to BREAK a man into loving them?

Uh..uh…Not me.

You want to know what Donovan told me that absolutely changed my world?

Are you ready?

He said: When the man God has for you presents himself, you won’t have to teach him how to love you. You won’t have to work to get his attention. You won’t have to wait for his affection. You won’t have to do anything. You won’t be able to STOP him from loving you. He’ll feel like it’s his responsibility to take care of you and support you in your goals. He will not allow anyone, not his Mama, not his sister, not even his friends, to stand in the way of protecting you and taking care of you. You will be his priority.

WOW!

I have repeated this statement to all of my friends and raised their standard of how they will know when the man is the one. All of them have been blown away.

So NO! Even though The Prez looks like he could be ideal. The mere fact that he ain’t paying me any attention shows that he ain’t it! This now excites me because I believe that when you feel like you find the ideal thing and it turns out that isn’t it, it’s because God wants to surprise you by giving you MORE!

Someone more handsome and brilliant than The Prez?!

It can only be one person….

BLOGGER WATCH

Things are going remarkably well over at the website.

I’m recognizing the joy in being somewhat of an editor even though my job title says otherwise. ~smile~

Check out these recent articles by bloggers you know and love!

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Tears In The Morning

I spoke to my sons this morning.

When I wake up early I like to call them and tell them goodmorning and remind them that I love them.

My sons are different in personality ofcourse. My younger son is very affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time. When I was in Miami the last time he would climb into my lap and ask me to sing the special song I made up for him.

“Sing it again Mommy,” he request.

My older son is very standoffish. He gives hugs sometimes and he never tells me he loves me. This morning when I called I was trying to have a conversation with him and he cut me off saying, “Bye Mama.”

I stopped him from hanging up the phone and I said, “Baby, when Mommy calls, she’s calling to tell you she loves you. I just want to hear your voice baby and make sure that you are okay. It kinda hurts my feelings when you don’t want to talk to me.”

“Mama?”

“Yes.”

“Are you still working at a bar?”

I sighed.

“Baby, who told you that? I never worked at a bar. I work for a website. We go along with a popular radio show. Ask your Daddy to put the show on in the car on your way to school so you can listen. Baby, I don’t know who’s telling you about what I’m doing but you have to learn to think for yourself. I never lie to you. If anyone says anything bad about your Mommy don’t believe them. If anyone tells you something different than what I’ve told you, don’t believe them. You gotta know that I love you and I’m out here working hard so that I can take care of you again. I’m not out here having fun. I miss you. I need you to believe me and trust me. OK?”

“Ok Mama. I have to go to school now.”

“OK baby, I love you. Have a good day.”

“Bye Mama.”

I didn’t want to start my day off like this, in tears. I haven’t been sleeping well lately and I need to be rested and at ease to do a good job at work.

I know I’m doing the right thing. Mama has to make a way and sometimes that way means sacrifice. But I trust God and I know that He will not allow my boys to hate me for trying to make a way for us to be stable and happy.

So I’m gonna wipe my tears away and know that my boys and I will be back together again and whatever forces are working against my fulfillment of my destiny in Christ, will not be strong enough to overcome me.

I love you boys.

I really do.

Is My Life For Real?

Today I sat in the programming meeting, the same meeting I sat in last week, and the Radio Man walked in to join us. Everyone was so non chalant but I was nervous as hell because…this is the man whose gift allows ALL OF US to take care of ourselves and our families.

This man’s gift of gab has earned him celebrity status and millions of dollars.

I felt like I was in a movie as the team presented the calendar for next month’s shows. Is this what it’s like to work for a TV show– A conference room filled with writers who all present their ideas and hash out the best ones?

There are nothing but beautiful women on this team. All of these chicks have flair. There’s no button down and slacks policy at all, every chick gets jazzy on a regular basis! I fit in!

But what really had me flipping out was when the Radio Man told us that my feature called 10 Things I Wish I Had Done Before I Became a Mom had the switchboard phones lighting up after he announced it on the air.

I raised my eyebrow. Huh? I came up with that idea and did it less than an hour. But for some reason, it struck a chord with so many listeners and readers that the website has LIT UP as well!

To top that off– How about 3 other features that I produced for the website are being turned into on-air features, per the Radio Man’s specific request! He praised my work and looked amazed when I came up with an idea for an on-air complement on the spot.

I’m sitting there looking like, “What?” I do this in my sleep.

This is an easy ass job, ya’ll. I don’t get it.

But I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.

You know what the most amazing thing is? I get to be myself and be as creative as I want to, and it is truly appreciated and respected. I’ve gotten FIRED too many times for doing the same things I’m doing now.

I get to be ME and I am celebrated because of that.

Do you know how I feel right now?

I am so grateful to God and so thankful that I stuck in there through the rough parts…

They appreciate me and my gifts…That’s all I wanted.

Breakfast With The Prez

I didn’t get home until 9:30 last night.

I was at the office waiting for a phone call from Kanye West’s Mom. I scheduled an interview with her publicist for Mother’s Day but they never got at me. I was a little dissappointed but at least I know it wasn’t MY fault. I was prepared. Maybe I’ll get another chance.

I went to sleep immediately with this song playing over and over in my head. At the meeting yesterday The Prez mentioned that it was his theme song. I had never heard of it so I looked it up on youtube and could not believe what I heard. Um….I thought he was a nerd? LOL!

What is he doing singing “I just want your creamy thighs”? LOL!

But I really like the song. I keep listening to it over and over. I like the part that says, “Everytime I comb my hair, thoughts of you get in my eyes…” I picture him dancing in the mirror to this song.

That’s not too good because you’re supposed to have a certain level of…I guess…fear for your company president. I don’t. When I see him I just want to POUNCE on him and lick his face like a Cougar. I really have to stop myself from doing that.

Anyway…I hope I can get back to sleep because I have to be up early in the morning. A couple of weeks ago I received an email that read: We’re starting a new tradition. The company Prez will be taking all 2007 new hires to breakfast to introduce himself and the company.

~raises eyebrow~

Now you know I forwarded that email to my friends with this note:

If SOMEONE wanted to take me out on a date, he didn’t have to invite the whole company! Dang! He’s so wonderful, he’ll move the whole world to get to know me! I love you too, Prez!

My friends all responded differently to my fantasy.

Get a life! LMAO!

I love it! He loves you!

That’s a good idea. That’s what I would do if I were him. Now relax and enjoy.

I’m going to throw up.

Regardless of if it’s true or not…your imagination is OFF THE CHAIN! I love that about you.

You think the whole world revolves around you!

Well..I do.

Besides, it’s just a harmless crush in my mind. I am NOT committing myself to him in my mind like I would do in the past. I don’t date so I have nothing better to do. Plus, he’s hot shit.. I wish I could be friends with him but for some reason, when I see him now, he runs away. During the meetings, he doesn’t even look at me at all.

That hurt my feelings cuz I sholl be staring him down. He’s interesting looking. He definitely looks like his father. He has a quirky personality. I don’t know. He could be one of my long lost brothers. I think we kinda look alike.

I think we’re both weirdos…in a way. Brilliant weirdos.

Anyway…I think I made a guyfriend. There’s this guy at work who took me to the barber for the first time. The barber did alright but I’m going to try someone else. But the guy is one of those “nice guys”. You know, one of those who you call to hang out with you and forget they are a man because you enjoy them so much.

As we were riding to the barber I realized that he and I are going to be friends. He was very easy to talk to.

“He better not be my husband!” I thought LOUDLY to God. Everybody is always talking about, “Your husband may not come the way you want him to…Look at me, my man is different than what I expected.” I always get scared when they say that because in my mind, that means they settled.

Well, he can come in all shapes or colors but he better not be BROKE or SLOW or STAGNANT. I would be so pissed off. I know God wants to make me happy. I want to be SPOILED by a man. I have to experience that before I die. I hope He won’t make me be with someone I don’t find irresistable.

Anyway…. Let me try to go back to sleep.

~singing the Prez’s theme song~

If we can not make babies, maybe we can make some time
Thoughts of pretty you and me, erotic city come alive
We can fuck until the dawn, making love til cherry’s gone
Erotic city, can’t you see, thoughts of pretty you and me

Drama Queen

I wonder if my co workers are reading my blog.

I havent told any of them about it. My Director knows about it, she actually brought up blogging during my first interview and I painstakingly told her about mine. I had a clue that she had already googled me and found it but hey…I have nothing to hide so…..

If anyone at my job is reading this please don’t mention it to me. This is my journey, my truth, my heart, my soul, this is my place to be free to be me. I hope that it blesses you somehow and if not, I hope that you don’t take offense to anything that is written. I started this journey long before I ever even thought of moving to Dallas and working with you.

I wonder if The Prez reads this. I would hate to think he does, but if he’s anything like me he’s probably googled me as many times as I have googled him…just to look at his picture. Yeah…I’m a stalker. ~smile~ I will google someone in a minute’s notice just to see what there online life is like. Sad to say, MY online life is quite elaborate and is more my home than reality.

One of the ladies at the hostel told me a joke last week. She said she saw a cartoon that read:

This made me laugh so much that I created my own little picture (above) and stuck it on my office wall.

I miss my friends so much. You have no idea. It’s hard not to get choked up just thinking about how I left Tamara in Atlanta.

She called me this morning during the breakfast but I couldn’t take her call. So I just texted her saying, “I miss you. I’ll call you later.”

I communicate with them regularly, sending out blessings through text and email. I wish I could touch them, see them in person or get a hug.

But I calm myself by remembering that I won’t be alone forever. This won’t last forever. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have Kim. In a pinch I can call her and vent and she’ll straighten me out. I just laugh at her when she acts crazy but when I’m acting crazy she’ll just tell me, “I’m not entertaining this tonight.”

That calms me down and reminds me that I’m emotional and I need to stop.

Today was such a crazy day.

Besides the fact that I couldn’t sleep the past few nights and was up for quite a while last night, I still made it to the breakfast by 7am.

The first one there was The Prez’s assistant. I really like her. She’s smart and pretty and always well dressed. She’s funny too.

So it was just me and her there when others arrived. Before I knew it HE walked in and sat right next to me. I wanted to leave but I held my emotions in and acted normal.

I would say I had a great time at the breakfast because I did my usual, “Let’s get this party started” routine. I can’t stand to be at an event and nothing is happening and no one is getting to know each other so I started a few icebreakers like I used to do in college and before I knew it everyone was laughing and talking and joking.

I would have felt a lot better had I not had a mouth full of ASS! Yes, my friends, my breath was hot and BOTHERED. I killed everyone around me including The PRez and I knew it but there was nothing I could do so I said, WHATEVER, and kept talking. There’s no way he could ever like me now…That’s cool with me. It’s all in my head anyway.

Why do I have so many problems with hygiene? I really need a good bath ya’ll. I really need a clean shower. I need a dentist. I need a home.

During the breakfast I led games for us to get to know each other and the things I learned about The Prez were pleasing to my ear. I almost died when someone asked him about his taste in music and he replied, “Old school R&B. That’s about it.”

My office mate had JUST asked me the same question last week and I gave the exact same response. I looked over at him across the breakfast table, he looked at me. I looked away.

So by the time we got back to the office I wasn’t prepared for the aftermath. Um..yeah I was just being myself during the breakfast and by the time word got around the building about the breakfast, my head was pounding and I wished silently that I had not gone.

I know my personality is all bright and shiny but on the real…I don’t like attention that much. That’s why I hang around the women that I do; they lead the way, they SHINE brighter than I do. All I have to do is sit back and enjoy the waves they create.

Why was everyone in the office talking about me as if I was some fascinating sideshow? People stopped by all day to say, “I heard about you at the breakfast girl!”

I just put the hoody of my sweater over my head and told people, “I’m invisible.”

They just laughed.

Why are they always laughing at me? Why are they always smiling at me? Why are they all so friendly? Why do they act like they want me to stay here? Why is everyone always praising me?

I’m sorry! Don’t kill me but..I don’t get it. I’m not used to this. I’m used to having one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the job. I’m not used to people actually VALUING my presence.

What’s wrong here?

This hurts my heart.

I called Kim to talk about it and she actually left her church service to talk me through my dilemma.

“Tee,” she said. “You are being too humble. You’re bordering on being ungrateful. You are special. You are not ordinary. Ofcourse people are going to love you everywhere you go. OFCOURSE people are going to be drawn to you. That’s God’s gift to you. That’s what He gave you. Don’t you sit up there and act like you can’t receive the blessing of LOVE from the people around you. Tee! You shower people with love everyday! That’s all you do is bless your friends and praise them and point out their strong points, why can’t you accept that other people see GOOD in you?”

“But Kim…I think it’s a plot. There’s a man who works here who everyone says NEVER SMILES or talks to anyone. At the breakfast he was so cool that I wanted to ask him to hang out with me. His personality was so inviting! He even told the Prez that he liked me a lot and they should invite me to all of their meetings.”

“Tee, that’s the God in you that people see. Why can’t you accept that people are going to love you? Tee, look at your dream. Look at where you are going. People from all over the country love you already…imagine how many more will love you and praise you once God’s full plan comes into play. How will you be able to handle that love if you can’t handle an office full of people actually like you.”

“I think they’re lieing. I don’t know what they told them but I think they are planning something. I’m just not used to this Kim. I’m not used to being a good fit, to people appreciating my work, to any of these cool ass women! I’m scared. I can’t believe that people WANT me. No one has ever tried to hold on to me Kim. I’m used to people telling me to go away.”

So Kim prayed for me. She prayed that I would be able to receive the blessings that God is about to pour out for me. She prayed that I would be able to recognize that what I give out in abundance is what I am about to receive.

And I rolled out of the parking lot of the gas station searching for my next move. I don’t know where I’m sleeping tonight. I came by the office to charge my phone and write this post, hoping that the answer would lie somewhere between the time it takes me to pour out my heart and the time it takes me to go downstairs to my car.

I’m nauseas. As if all this mayhem in my heart isn’t enough.

My whole body hurts. I need some rest.

I

Need

Rest

Sleep

Hug

Love

Rest

Mama

No crying

Friends

Babies

Peace

Please

Peace

Please

Drama Queen! Sure…I am..

Fuck it.. That’s me..

Lemme go find somewhere to lay my head.

Special Signs

Something great is about to happen. I can feel it.

Let me tell ya a story– I had been staying at the Dallas Texas Hostel on Bachman Drive near Love Airfield here off and on and got to know the landlord Jerry Blake pretty well. I told him that I wanted to rent one of his units and he gave me an app. After doing all the necessary application stuff he came back and told me that there were too many red flags on my app and that I would have to rent on a month to month basis ONLY with stipulations like rent is due on the first if I am one day late I am evicted immediately AND I have to pay 3 times the rent as a deposit before I could move in.

I was like, “Dayum! I know my credit ain’t THAT bad. I have no evictions or broken leases on my record.” But I calmly told him, “Money is no problem for me.” He looked surprised. “Well, with your track record and no stability I don’t even think they will give you electricity. If you get your electricity turned on come and see me and we will talk about your lease.”

So the next day I got my electricity turned on and when I called him he said, “I’m amazed that they would do that. I wouldn’t have! You have too many red flags.”

I wrinkled my nose.

“I live an amazing life sir,” I replied.

“Whatever! You’re irresponsible. You have no lease record, no lights in your name, it takes a lot to manage a household. I’m not sure you can do it!”

“Wait a minute,” I said firmly. “WHy are you TALKING to me like this? I have never disrespected you or your property, I always pay my money and I’m nice to the other people here. Where is all this coming from? I don’t appreciate you talking to me like I’m some child, I’m a grown woman and I’m a professional and I don’t deserve this.”

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“I want you to say, ‘I was having a bad day.’ or ‘I didn’t mean it that way’ anything besides what you just said. You know what? It doesn’t matter. Just don’t talk to me like that again. That’s all.”

The next day I was supposed to receive a lease but when I returned to my room there was a letter stating, “You have to be out by the 9th. If you want to leave before then I will refund your money.”

My roommate saw the letter and was livid. “Call the attorney!” she ordered. “Tee, he’s a bigot! Can’t you see?”

Huh?

Well, I was the only person he required to give him a deposit on electricity. None of the other ladies were charged that fee. He never came by to clean the entire time I was there. Never gave me fresh sheets. Charged me a ridiculous deposit on a 400 sq foot efficiency.

If he didn’t want me to rent in his complex, why didn’t he just say so?

I am so fucking tired of people and their damn indirect communication. Bitch be a fucking WOMAN or MAN and say what the hell is on your mind. Don’t come at me sideways with suggestions and shit. I don’t have time for that. When you communicate with people in that way, there’s so much room for misinterpretation.

Why can’t a bitch just SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN? Damn! I lose all respect for people who tip toe around shit. Even if it makes you look insecure, just say it! Everyone has those moments. I tell my friends all the time, “When you don’t call me it makes me feel insecure about our friendship and I worry if you still love me.”

Why would they hold it against me?

Why don’t people just say what the fuck they mean?

~sigh~

God’s divine plan for my life can not be stopped.

So in my mind I had until Thursday to find another place. Which I FOUND and they approved me with NO PROBLEM whatsoever and NO DEPOSIT. WTF?

But yesterday I was feeling pretty bad physically. My eyes are killing me because I need more glasses and my body aches like I have the flu. I stuck it out through the day and when I got back to the hostel I crashed immediately saying to myself, “I’ll pack everything later and be out in the morning. My body hurts too much.”

Before I could even fall asleep the door opened and the landlord came in screaming. “Tee, its the 9th. You have to be OUT!”

“Hollup. I thought I was paid until tomorrow. I thought I had one more night.”

“No, that paper I left you informed you that you had to leave by noon today. You are trespassing! You have to be out NOW!”

I rolled over. Hollup. I coughed. “I’m not feeling well. Give me a minute to figure something out,” I said as I opened my laptop and sat up.

“You don’t have a minute. Get out now!” he screamed and I paused and looked at him.

“What is your problem? I have been nothing but nice and respectful to you? WHat did I do to you? Why are you acting like this? Give me a minute to get a phone number and I will be gone.”

“I’m calling the police if you don’t leave NOW!” he screamed.

I looked up at him. “GO call em! Tell em to hurry up and get here!”

“You have to leave!”

“If you are gonna stand up there screaming at me like an overseer I’m gonna stand right here and do nothing. If you be quiet, I will pack my things and go.”

He huffed and sat down to watch me pack.

I couldn’t move fast. My body was aching too much and I was trying to think. WHere am I going to go? How much money do I have? Why is this always happening to me? God could you please tell me why the MINUTE I stand up for myself and tell people that they are treating me wrong, they flip and can’t even stand to have me in their sight? I’m tired of getting kicked out when you KNOW I don’t disrespect people. I’m pleasant and easy to get along with. I’m a bit messy but hey…I’m good company. I don’t get it.

I loaded up my car piece by piece as the neighbors came out to stare.

“Why is he talking to you like that?” one man asked me. “What did you do?”

“I don’t know. You can ask him. I have. He hasn’t answered me yet.”

“Ok Jerry,” I told him. “I’m done.”

“Best of luck to you,” he said as I walked away.

“May God bless you Jerry,” I replied.

When I got to my car I looked at my receipt. I did have one more night. He threw me out early.

I drove in silence toward my job. I had to have somewhere I could think. I called Kim and we chatted. I am no longer disturbed by these type of things but it just…uh…ruffles my feathers a little bit.

Kim told me to go to a hotel and just hope my card goes through.

I decided against it. Makes no sense to possibly get an overdraft fee for a few hours of sleep. I found a safe parking garage and pulled inside. No one bothered me as I drifted off to sleep, well..the security guard tapped on my window at some point in the night.

I looked at him.

He shined his light on my backseat loaded with clothes and stuff.

“Just checking on you,” he said and smiled. “Good night.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I couldn’t get back to sleep then. I certainly don’t think I’m STRUGGLING, I just think I…I don’t what to think. I guess I look at it as a grand adventure.

My thoughts turned to the crazy ass Breakfast and the Prez.

You know what he said that was quite amazing?

“I’m color blind.”

“Whats that?” I asked.

“It’s where I can’t see colors. All I see are some yellows, everything else is blank.”

“How do you get dressed?”

“Well, I pretty much remember what stores I bought things from and if the store doesn’t have good mannequins I can’t shop there. I just buy whatever is on the mannequin.”

“But does that mean you’ve never seen the beautiful blue sky or the green ocean?”

“No.”

“WHat about a rainbow?”

“I have never seen a rainbow.”

Amazing.

I couldn’t believe it. He can’t see colors.

Wow.

To me that means….He’s special.

He’s special.

He is so very special.

I smiled and thought of him as I nestled into my leather seats and wrapped myself tighter into my blanket.

He is special.

Man…I wanna do it with him…

Waking Up

Well…even though I had to sleep in my car I managed to get a good night’s rest. I woke up around 4:30am and went to my office to change clothes/put on makeup etc. I’m not sure if it was the night air or my sickness setting in but I couldn’t even SPEAK without sounding like an old man and my throat was burning, body hurting, the whole nine.

But I had nowhere else to go so I went to work after going to find breakfast. I made my list of daily goals and those things that weren’t strictly “planning” I completed before 8:30am. My body whispered, “You need to go.” So I emailed my Director and left.

I drove over to the complex that I had chosen, got out of my car and walked stiffly into the office. The Office manager greeted me warmly and went through my lease with me. Because of my throat I couldn’t speak to her but she was very understanding.

WHen the time came for me to write the check for my first month’s rent, I paused and bit my lip.

There’s no money in my account right now, but I know that God wants me to have a place to live and I know that He will put money into my account before the check clears.

I BELIEVE!

So I wrote the check, collected my keys and drove over to my apartment.

I stood outside for a few seconds before opening the door.

When I walked in, I looked around. I walked around.

I turned on all of the lights.

I layed down on the floor.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

Then I screamed! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I have MY OWN PLACE!

No one can kick me out!

No one can make me move my stuff!

No rules like in the Professors house- “You can’t use my house phone for more than 30 minutes.” “No men allowed.”

No rules like Kia’s house- “No one can have sex in my house but ME!” “No eating or drinking anywhere but at the kitchen or dining room table.”

No rules like at the hostels- “No alcohol.” “No visitors.”

No rules- PERIOD!

I’m have an ORGY up in this piece! Naw…I’m not interested in that anymore.

But I will relax and have a nice glass of wine.

By the time I finished praising God the rain had slowed down so I moved all of my clothes and pictures and shoes from my car.

Then I went to Walmart and swiped my card on faith because I needed a shower curtain, shower gel, cups, toilet paper.

By the time I got back to my place my body crashed. I smoothed out the blanket I took from Tamara’s old apartment and the pillow Ruby left in Atlanta when she came to visit and made a bed for myself on the living room floor.

And I slept…

And slept….

I slept for years, washing the dirt off of my mind, the contempt from my heart, the anger from my soul, replacing it with joy and appreciation that God has brought me to the place He has for me to be. A place of blessing. If I DARE to believe that He wants me to be here, I can change my mindset that everyone is being insincere in their affection toward me. God wants to bless me with friends and family. I can trust, show them love and receive love in return.

After my long nap I opened my eyes and looked around.

Wow.

I’m not living on the streets anymore.

This will become my home.

I can’t wait to decorate and get furniture and all my friends are going to come visit me now!

I’m so happy and so blessed and soo…grateful to be living in Dallas, Texas.

I love it here!