Drama Queen

I wonder if my co workers are reading my blog.

I havent told any of them about it. My Director knows about it, she actually brought up blogging during my first interview and I painstakingly told her about mine. I had a clue that she had already googled me and found it but hey…I have nothing to hide so…..

If anyone at my job is reading this please don’t mention it to me. This is my journey, my truth, my heart, my soul, this is my place to be free to be me. I hope that it blesses you somehow and if not, I hope that you don’t take offense to anything that is written. I started this journey long before I ever even thought of moving to Dallas and working with you.

I wonder if The Prez reads this. I would hate to think he does, but if he’s anything like me he’s probably googled me as many times as I have googled him…just to look at his picture. Yeah…I’m a stalker. ~smile~ I will google someone in a minute’s notice just to see what there online life is like. Sad to say, MY online life is quite elaborate and is more my home than reality.

One of the ladies at the hostel told me a joke last week. She said she saw a cartoon that read:

This made me laugh so much that I created my own little picture (above) and stuck it on my office wall.

I miss my friends so much. You have no idea. It’s hard not to get choked up just thinking about how I left Tamara in Atlanta.

She called me this morning during the breakfast but I couldn’t take her call. So I just texted her saying, “I miss you. I’ll call you later.”

I communicate with them regularly, sending out blessings through text and email. I wish I could touch them, see them in person or get a hug.

But I calm myself by remembering that I won’t be alone forever. This won’t last forever. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have Kim. In a pinch I can call her and vent and she’ll straighten me out. I just laugh at her when she acts crazy but when I’m acting crazy she’ll just tell me, “I’m not entertaining this tonight.”

That calms me down and reminds me that I’m emotional and I need to stop.

Today was such a crazy day.

Besides the fact that I couldn’t sleep the past few nights and was up for quite a while last night, I still made it to the breakfast by 7am.

The first one there was The Prez’s assistant. I really like her. She’s smart and pretty and always well dressed. She’s funny too.

So it was just me and her there when others arrived. Before I knew it HE walked in and sat right next to me. I wanted to leave but I held my emotions in and acted normal.

I would say I had a great time at the breakfast because I did my usual, “Let’s get this party started” routine. I can’t stand to be at an event and nothing is happening and no one is getting to know each other so I started a few icebreakers like I used to do in college and before I knew it everyone was laughing and talking and joking.

I would have felt a lot better had I not had a mouth full of ASS! Yes, my friends, my breath was hot and BOTHERED. I killed everyone around me including The PRez and I knew it but there was nothing I could do so I said, WHATEVER, and kept talking. There’s no way he could ever like me now…That’s cool with me. It’s all in my head anyway.

Why do I have so many problems with hygiene? I really need a good bath ya’ll. I really need a clean shower. I need a dentist. I need a home.

During the breakfast I led games for us to get to know each other and the things I learned about The Prez were pleasing to my ear. I almost died when someone asked him about his taste in music and he replied, “Old school R&B. That’s about it.”

My office mate had JUST asked me the same question last week and I gave the exact same response. I looked over at him across the breakfast table, he looked at me. I looked away.

So by the time we got back to the office I wasn’t prepared for the aftermath. Um..yeah I was just being myself during the breakfast and by the time word got around the building about the breakfast, my head was pounding and I wished silently that I had not gone.

I know my personality is all bright and shiny but on the real…I don’t like attention that much. That’s why I hang around the women that I do; they lead the way, they SHINE brighter than I do. All I have to do is sit back and enjoy the waves they create.

Why was everyone in the office talking about me as if I was some fascinating sideshow? People stopped by all day to say, “I heard about you at the breakfast girl!”

I just put the hoody of my sweater over my head and told people, “I’m invisible.”

They just laughed.

Why are they always laughing at me? Why are they always smiling at me? Why are they all so friendly? Why do they act like they want me to stay here? Why is everyone always praising me?

I’m sorry! Don’t kill me but..I don’t get it. I’m not used to this. I’m used to having one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the job. I’m not used to people actually VALUING my presence.

What’s wrong here?

This hurts my heart.

I called Kim to talk about it and she actually left her church service to talk me through my dilemma.

“Tee,” she said. “You are being too humble. You’re bordering on being ungrateful. You are special. You are not ordinary. Ofcourse people are going to love you everywhere you go. OFCOURSE people are going to be drawn to you. That’s God’s gift to you. That’s what He gave you. Don’t you sit up there and act like you can’t receive the blessing of LOVE from the people around you. Tee! You shower people with love everyday! That’s all you do is bless your friends and praise them and point out their strong points, why can’t you accept that other people see GOOD in you?”

“But Kim…I think it’s a plot. There’s a man who works here who everyone says NEVER SMILES or talks to anyone. At the breakfast he was so cool that I wanted to ask him to hang out with me. His personality was so inviting! He even told the Prez that he liked me a lot and they should invite me to all of their meetings.”

“Tee, that’s the God in you that people see. Why can’t you accept that people are going to love you? Tee, look at your dream. Look at where you are going. People from all over the country love you already…imagine how many more will love you and praise you once God’s full plan comes into play. How will you be able to handle that love if you can’t handle an office full of people actually like you.”

“I think they’re lieing. I don’t know what they told them but I think they are planning something. I’m just not used to this Kim. I’m not used to being a good fit, to people appreciating my work, to any of these cool ass women! I’m scared. I can’t believe that people WANT me. No one has ever tried to hold on to me Kim. I’m used to people telling me to go away.”

So Kim prayed for me. She prayed that I would be able to receive the blessings that God is about to pour out for me. She prayed that I would be able to recognize that what I give out in abundance is what I am about to receive.

And I rolled out of the parking lot of the gas station searching for my next move. I don’t know where I’m sleeping tonight. I came by the office to charge my phone and write this post, hoping that the answer would lie somewhere between the time it takes me to pour out my heart and the time it takes me to go downstairs to my car.

I’m nauseas. As if all this mayhem in my heart isn’t enough.

My whole body hurts. I need some rest.

I

Need

Rest

Sleep

Hug

Love

Rest

Mama

No crying

Friends

Babies

Peace

Please

Peace

Please

Drama Queen! Sure…I am..

Fuck it.. That’s me..

Lemme go find somewhere to lay my head.