Share My World

I want some fried chicken.

Some greasy Church’s chicken that comes 2 pieces for a dollar. So random. But that’s how I’m feeling right now.

My head is spinning. This internship is teaching me so much about counseling and the whole process behind it. Now I see the light.

I see the light.

I now understand why he said what he said. I see why he did what he did.

I wouldn’t do the same but I see. It still bothers me though. I’m trying to make sense of everything that’s on my plate. I’m behind on my homework already and I have to finish getting all my paperwork and certifications and I do manage to smile a few times a day because people are so funny.

My supervisor at my on campus internship is a tiny little woman with a LOT of knowledge. I feel like we’re being hazed. We can’t have a session without being interrupted a million times by the phone. Correction. Correction.

None of us have gotten it right yet. But every correction makes us better. I had no idea this was so hard. I can’t even sit in session without thinking of my counselor and now I see how good he was.

When he was counseling ME, he never seemed to even look at his watch yet he knew exactly when to end the session and he ended it so succintly. I can’t figure out how to do that yet.

Discussion. Discussion. Notes. Notes.

And then I have so many writing projects on the table. I’m always spearheading some new idea. I’m trying to keep up with it all but I’m behind on my writing and my reading and I haven’t produced a new article in a week.

I’m tired. Running from bus to bus. Standing in the sun and the cold.

My head is cold. My legs are tired. All I have are heels. Me, in my slacks and heels and button down blouses, running across major intersections from one bus to another. I always make it on time though.

And now I’m hoping I get this role I auditioned for. Of course its NON PAID but I always shine through and one gig leads to another, just like with poetry.

My head hurts. My heart too. Tamara is missing in action. Anna’s sick. My Mama is trying to be a ghost writer to make some extra cash so I’m coaching her writing skills and trying to stay on top of my own portfolio.

I was doing interviews all weekend for my latest ebook. I have 7 months til graduation and I want some really profound work out there by the time I finish school.

I’m building something. I don’t know what yet. I’m hoping for my greatest dreams come true. They will. They will.

It seems like everything I THINK about, just happens. Like the other day I was texting Tamara and complaining that all these people are coming out the blue telling me they really like me and how good I make them feel and I was a bit jealous because no one makes me feel good like that.

“I want some of that tingle too!” I texted Tamara.

And then my phone rings. It’s this dude I just met and I gave him my number when he asked because he was a firecracker and I wanted to see if I could tame him. I haven’t yet but it’s fun trying. He’s a lot like me with a less stellar resume but I don’t really like him. It’s just fun to play a little.

He did ask me what I was doing for Valentines Day and I said, “Writing articles.”

If my dreams come true, and they always do, I’ll get this role and distract myself from this aching heart I have. I’ll fully immerse myself in acting for a while and try some marketing too. I just need a chance to see if I could be a good actress. I think it’ll be fun to try.

I still do wish I could meet someone to make me laugh and to learn from. Someone to share stories with and to build dreams with.

Oh well, I always have my friends. If their asses would ever stop being so busy from building their own dreams. We’re all fire starters, I guess.

Blah.

I can’t even write tonight because I’m so exhausted. This doesn’t count. It’s just my blog and I put no thought into what I’m writing in fact, my eyes are half closed as I type this. What did I write? I’ll have to go back and read later.

I need a massage.

Any takers?

So I was feeling a bit dizzy today. It’s been like that for a while now. I hope nothing is wrong with me. I just have been feeling drained and out of it physically.

And today I was riding the bus home when a girl gets on. I look at her and think, “She’s pretty.” She sits next to me and looks over and smiles a beautiful smile. I smile back and look away. When I look back, she’s smiling at me again and smirks. I smirk back and look away. When I look back she’s smiling again and I KNOW what’s up. She thinks I’m cute too.

But I shrug it off because I don’t want to talk to women right now. When they flirt with me I may flirt back but mostly I just ignore it. I don’t have anything to offer a woman right now, I can barely take care of myself. I think it’s foolish to try to be with someone when you can’t add anything to their life.

But I knew she was interested and I ignored it saying to myself, “If she wants to know me she better say something.”

Then she leans over and says, “Is this McConnell Street?”

I shake my head no.

Ok. She is bold enough so let me entertain this.

“Do you live in this neighborhood?” I ask her.

“I live on Trotman,” she says and I raise my eyebrow. “I live on Trotman too.”

“Where do you usually get off?” she asks.

“At the Circle cuz I don’t want to walk residential streets by myself at night.”

“Oh well tonight you can walk with me,” she suggests.

I pull the string to let the driver know I need to get off and she follows me.

We start talking immediately as we step side by side down the dark street. She’s light brown skinned and petite like me. She is so pretty and girly and I feel like the coolest boy in school walking with the cute girl as we walk together.

“So where are you coming from?” I ask.

“Work,” she says and smiles. She’s blushing.

“Where are you coming from?”

“School.”

“Oh what are you studying?”

I laugh. Whenever anyone asks me this I feel weird because it seems like such a big deal to me and I can’t believe it when I get to say, “I’m becoming a Relationship Therapist.”

“Wow! So you’re gonna be like Dr. Phil?”

“Um, maybe. Just way cuter and less abrasive,” I reply.

She laughs. “I see SOMEONE is kinda….”

“Secure in who she is. Confident in her abilities. Aware of what she can do,” I finish for her.

“I was gonna say conceited,” she retorts. “But you can have that. Do you have kids?” she asks.

“Yes, I do. Two. Do you?”

“No,” she shakes her head and looks at the ground. “I love kids. Love to play with them but none are coming out of my body. It doesn’t feel right.”

I’ve definitely heard that before.

“Well, lemme guess how old you are,” i tell her. I’m really good at that. I guess it comes from so many years of studying people.

Before I could guess she says, “I can tell you about you.”

I laugh, “Go ahead.”

“You are into poetry,” she begins.

Damn.

“And you are a good person. You’ve been hurt by a man before. Deeply hurt. He loved you but not in the way you believe love should be shown so you don’t believe he did. Now you just play games, not games, but you play with people’s minds a little and you don’t give anyone a chance to really get close to you for some reason.”

“So, you’re a psychic?”

She laughs. “No. I just know your type.”

“So I’m a type?”

“No. I mean, I just have this intuition.”

“Me too,” I tell her. “Everyone gives off an energy and I can see it and know what they are really feeling. What their real motivations are behind every action and the things they say.”

“So what did you feel about me?” she asks.

“Um. Your energy is light. As in, not heavy. You’re light hearted and free and sweet.”

She smiles.

“Wait,” I ask her as we cross yet another street. “How do you know about my poetry? Are you one of my fans?”

She laughs and looks at me.

“Fans?”

“Yeah. I get it. You get on my bus, happen to live on my street and you know so much about me. You’ve been researching me haven’t you?”

“What?”

“Who sent you to talk to me?”

She giggles. “Wow. I forgot. You can be paranoid sometimes.”

“Not sometimes, ALL THE TIME. Now tell me what they want to know and why they sent you and I may just give you the information you need.”

She stops mid stride. “Who is THEY?”

“THEM!” I exclaim. I love fucking with her. “The ones who are following us,” I whisper and gesture toward the empty street behind us.

She laughs a hearty laugh and asks, “Why would you have fans?”

“I don’t know,” I reply and put my hands in my pockets. I can see our shadows bouncing down the street ahead of us as we near our corner. “I guess I live an interesting life and people want to know what’s going to happen next.”

“Well what’s your name?”

“Stop playing. You already know my name.”

She laughs. “No I don’t.”

“Yeah right. They sent you and you know who I am already. Don’t play games.”

She’s giggling like crazy as we turn the corner.

“Ok, bye,” she says.

I don’t say bye back. I’m laughing at our interaction when i hear a bang. I look over and this chick is standing in front of the apartments right across the street from mine. She’s fishing through her bag looking for her key.

Damn, she lives too close. I walk into my building and close the gate and laugh as I enter my messy place. She’s cute. I wonder why I met her today.

As I was doing my interviews for my latest ebook I posed a question: What characteristics do you notice about the men you end up dating that lets you know that he will be submissive?

“That’s a good question, Tee,” my subject replied. “I’ll have to think about it and when I figure it out I’ll let you know but now I really want to know for myself so next time I will avoid it.”

I’m going out on a limb here but from what I gather MOST women want a dominant man and I think it’s because they want to be taken care of instead of always having to take care of the dude.

ANd this is an important revelation that I will reveal in my newest book, if I ever get enough rest to finish writing it. This reflects on my life because I SAY I want a dominant man but I always attract submissive ones. These type of men seek me out because they don’t know how to be dominant and they don’t know how to live their lives to the fullest and when they see those qualities in me they want to learn. But since I want a dominant man I try to treat them like dominant men and they get upset that I adore them and trust their leadership because they know they can’t LEAD.

So that’s why my friend’s marriage isn’t working out. She has a submissive man and she treats him like he’s supposed to be dominant and gets upset because he’s not.

And all the men in my past wanted me to tell them what to do and how to be and I wanted to just adore them for who they are. They needed correction and guidance and I have that to give I just don’t want to have to be like that ALL the time, not at home too.

So this dude I just met this past weekend. I gave him my number because he was so cocky with it. But as I get to know him, it scared me that he is so dominant. He doesn’t take no for an answer because he doesn’t even ASK; he just takes what he wants.

I like that.

But I’m noticing that he’s only like that when it comes to relationships. He doesn’t have that confidence in life so he SEEMS dominant in all the ways I appreciate but I can tell he wants me to teach him and challenge him to be better. I don’t know if I want to do that.

For some reason, I’m meeting a LOT of people lately and they all “like” me. I’m like what is going on?

I’m being my real self and they are enchanted by it. My real self will tell them, “Look, I don’t desire being with you so I don’t have to impress you. I won’t do anything to keep you or make you want me. You’re free to go at any time.”

That just makes them want to stay longer.

You can always tell what type of treatment a person likes by what they complain about from their past relationships.

I used to complain about my BBDD being so rude to me but I never “liked” a guy unless he showed me that same treatment. THAT HAS CHANGED. So this guy LOVES the fact that I had an attitude with him from jump and was cussing him out as soon as I met him. He loves that I am a dick tease and I’m good at it.

But today i called him to complain about his behavior and tell him that he is not what I’m looking for.

“You can blame that on me,” he said quietly. “What can I do to fix it?”

I gasped.

I like that.

“First don’t ever introduce ANYTHING into my life in idea or deed that could potentially be destructive to where I’m trying to go,” I told him.

“Ok.” he said.

Damn.

And when I told him, “I’m probably going to sleep with you and then not talk to you afterwards because I’ll lose respect.” he said, “Well, I know that’s a possibility but I’m willing to take the risk and just ride it til you tell me you don’t want to talk to me anymore.”

I gasped.

I like that. But I don’t know if I feel like teaching him how to be a better man. I see myself taking care of him, working hard while he sits home and does his little career and takes care of the house. If I end up being with a woman, I see the same thing too.

But that’s not what I REALLY want from a man. I just don’t see how any man could be as smart and capable of shining next to me without needing my full guidance.

WHERE THE REAL MEN AT?

I have tons of writing to do, starting with homework. Let me get started. I’m up, I may as well.

I cured my son’s fear of dogs!

No, I’m not a magician, I’m just a mindframe adjuster and I shared a simple exercise with my son. As we were walking down the street I said, “Hey. I’m studying this new philosophy I found called A Course In Miracles and one of the lessons it taught me was- Everything we see is the past. What this means is in every thing we encounter, we remember our last interaction with it. If we see a chair, subconsciously we remember that we sit in the chair. If we see a particular type of person then we remember our last interaction with that type of person.”

My son seemed to be listenting, so I continued.

“Well, that made me think of you and your fear of dogs. You haven’t had a bad experience with a dog have you?”

He shook his head.

“Well then why do you jump when you see dogs?”

He didn’t answer.

“Oh! I know!” I said emphatically. “It’s my fault. Sometimes fear is a learned behaviour. When you were young you saw me jump when I saw a dog so you imitated me and you fear dogs because I do. I’m sorry about that.”

He was quiet. Two minutes later we were walking up to the very spot where we usually pass by a dog tied to a post. When we got there, the dog wasn’t there.

“Oh my gosh!” I exclaimed. “Look what happened! It’s just like that. When we finally agree to face our fears, its most likely that they disappear.”

He smiled up at me.

The next day when we were taking a walk, we passed a man walking his dog. My son didn’t flinch or bat an eye.

I gave him a high five.

He smiled up at me.

His fear is GONE.

Yay!

This is a monumental moment for me.

This is the day I have been preparing for, for YEARS.

Today is the day that I take my life back and stop yearning for guidance from others.

It came in the form of a simple email. A friend suggested that I read a book called, ‘If You Meet The Buddha On The Road, Kill Him!’ by Sheldon Kopp.

After researching the book and reading the various interpretations of its meaning I realized exactly why this title came along at this point in my life.

You’ve read my stories over the years. You’ve watched as I yearned for guidance toward my dream by clumsily going after them unaware of what to do and if I was doing it right. In my quest for guidance I reached out to many people, counselors, celebrities, successful men and women who I felt would best be able to tell me how to use my gifts to prosper.

Recently, I had a big decision to make. I consulted my friends for their opinions but afterwards I realized that I don’t ever really follow their advice, I still do what I want to do. Things ALWAYS work out for my benefit when I do that even when I get nervous because everyone is telling me I’m wrong and I’m not going to benefit unless I do as they teach.

After I made my big decision- ON MY OWN- I felt a sense of relief. For the first time in a while, I felt peace in my heart and I knew that no matter the outcome, I would and could stand tall because I made this decision myself. I have no one to answer to or blame but ME.

Killing the Buddha, in my most recent revelation, means to STOP seeking the answers to your life questions from anyone outside of yourself. We run from him to her, to him and weigh out their perspectives trying to figure out which one to take on as our own.

We are all seeking Buddha, in a symbolic sense, when we yearn to be led by someone else toward our most treasured dreams but Buddha is not physical. Buddha is inside of us. We are the physical manifestation of Buddha so if anyone shows up CLAIMING to lead you the right way, you should kill them (in theory) and not follow them because no one is more of an authority on your life than you are.

You know the way.

You have the answers.

You are equipped with the right thing to do for YOU. It doesn’t have to match up with the right thing for someone else.

Trust yourself and yourself alone.

But this is a difficult concept to grasp because we have become a human race of followers raised by a society who thrives on keeping people dumb and enslaved by their confusion about life. Shackled by their pursuit of success which was defined for them by others.

What do you need to do with your life?

What should you do next?

Did I make the right decision?

Only YOU can answer that. No psychic or pastor or spiritual guru can give you a definitive answer.

YOU have the answer.

And you know JUST what to do.

Now go do it, and embrace your faith, in yourself. Awaken your inner power. It’s been there all along. Wake up. Walk into it.

You can do it.

My psychic friend predicted I will be loved one day soon. It came as quite a shock. In the past her predictions got on my nerves because she would say, “There is no love for you right now. You will go through a period of struggle. Your struggles will not end soon.”

I used to get so mad like, “Dang hoe! Gimme some good news!” But she was always right.

So what a surprise to check my email and see a word from her. “I had a premonition about you but I’m sure you don’t want to hear it. I’ll tell you anyway. You will be married- not soon, but in the next 3 years.”

I rolled my eyes at the thought. Does she really think I’m going to let some man fool me into believing he’s good for me? Does she take me for an idiot?

But she went on to add that before we unite I will accomplish great things in my career and by the time I meet him I will bee so independent and successful that I won’t need him at all.

Which is funny because I always wanted a man who was established and could help pull me toward my dream and I could reward him by making his businesses better AND being his trophy too. She described how he will cherish me and adore me and how he will fully understand me. He will seek to take full care of me and feel that I am his responsibility. She described his personality and I was blown away by what she said.

“You won’t be able to hide from his love,” she described. I felt all warm inside as I heard that.

Someone who will get to know me and not call me mentally ill? Someone who will know ALL of me and still think he’s found a treasure. A MAN who will actually look at me and all he has are GOOD things to say about me? Someone who won’t watch me struggle and laugh at me because of it? Someone who will stand up for me and won’t let anyone bother me? For real? Stop playin!

So I went to my youtube channel to look at the video I made with pictures of me throughout my life. As each picture flashed across the screen I said to the girl there, “You will be loved one day. Soon.”

And I felt the words were true.

Today I started imagining what that could be like. I think I’ll write a story about what I think it’ll be like. I’ll share it soon.

I am growing.

I’m becoming THE HULK.

My inner me is flourishing. I feel like my bones are made of steel. You can beat me. You can punish me. You can sabotage me if you want. Every bit of energy you send out to me, guides me toward my best life.

I was NOT created to be a part of your system. I am not a cog in the wheel. I am the steel that the wheel is made of.

I do not fit in. I’m not supposed to.

If you keep me near and appreciate me, I will add value to you and your dreams. If you release me, it’s not a punishment, someone else will receive the benefits you could have had.

I am the gift.

I know this. You know it too.

My Mama didn’t raise me. She just opened the door, gave me food and left me alone. All alone I crafted this vision for my life. All alone I faced the world. No explanations were given, no guidance. Thank GOD.

If she had tried to teach me her way, I may have taken much longer to rid myself of her feeble interpretations of the meaning of life.

I am free. I’ve been free. Free to create the world around me. And I did.

With every word. Every thought. Every deed.

So it’s my turn now. To turn on my creative powers full blast.

It’s my turn now, to turn the tide in my favor.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper. In fact, every weapon will misfire, redirecting the ammunition to wipe out the negative energies that try to harm me.

If you’ve been to the bottom, you’re no longer afraid of it. So many years of hunger and struggle and being beaten down by words but rising again and again has taught me that the bottom is nothing to fear. So even if I seem to lose, I gain again and then, I can reach the top and give it all away because I know the secret formula to win.

It’s simply…

Never be afraid to lose everything.

And I am not.

Cuz I’ve been there and it didn’t kill me.

My intuition comes to me in flashes of images in my mind. And sometimes it’s a feeling, a pulsating feeling, like a KNOWING in my mind and body.

Like I can sometimes tell what people are about to say before they say it. Sometimes when people make statements I can HEAR the real meaning of the statement as they speak.

Or sometimes, like recently I had this feeling, this intuition that someone was following me. I saw the car the first time, but didn’t quite make out its make and model but I saw the driver’s body. I tried to shake it off and just walk on home but the FEELING wouldn’t go away. The image of the drivers body flashed all night long. I couldn’t sleep.

For weeks every single day my eye took notice of a silver Infiniti on the road as I traveled by bus. I called my best friend and told her, “I think the Universe is about to give me a silver Infiniti, I’m seeing them everywhere.” She laughed.

Then a FLASH- and then- HIM.

Then another FLASH- the Infiniti outside my restaurant when I got off late at night.

Then another FLASH- A handsome dark skinned man in a green suit in my restaurant sitting at the bar. He wore a wedding band. He seemed preoccupied with his phone but he was there to see ME. “That’s HIS friend.” my intuition said.

Then another FLASH- Head lights following me.

People think I’m crazy already so i don’t tell them much about it. I can FEEL people’s intentions. I can feel their energy toward me.

Sometimes my intuition gives me direction; take a picture. Speak to him. Smile at her. This is your last day at this job, take your things. I don’t understand why but I follow and then LATER I see why it told me those things.

I don’t understand why it doesn’t tell me to stay away from these men, or maybe it does every time I feel uncomfortable when I’m with them but I rationalize it as my fear of being hurt and I give them a chance and end up being hurt.

Lately my intuition tells me I have to be strong because my whole life is about to change in a major way and I’ll need all the confidence to handle it.

I am getting there.

They call me a crazy genius.

But I’m sure they mean it in the most positive light. I don’t mind because their labels only hold the merit that I attribute. At this point I just discovered Carl Jung’s Red Book, a book that some describe as the rantings of a psychotic mind.

A psychotic mind?

Well then label me the same. Aren’t all great thinkers psychotic in some way? Who have you ever known that followed the grain and ended up accomplishing something magnificent? I’m not good with names and dates so the specifics don’t matter much to me but I remember studying one psychologists life and he battled with polio in his youth. Through this paralysis, he was still. He was silent. He couldn’t move or communicate. All he could do was THINK. And THINK he did. From the depths of his soul, staring out the window at a tree, i think, he came up with some of the most fascinating theories about the mind.

We who, are afraid to fall, are afraid to be still or be pushed out do not recognize the gift of being thrust into quiet contemplation. We are afraid to NOT walk the path of the proven success stories when it is quite necessary to fall off that path if we really want to achieve great things.

Out of the depths of your solitude or your failure will arise a great stroke of genius if you do not allow shame to overtake you.

I am struggling with a particular situation right now. Each time my mind wants to address it, i push it out because I’ve come so far. See, my internship, my on site practicum and my experiences with the academic world have given me a certain distaste for the field in general. Nothing about it satisfying. Nowhere near as satisfying as sitting in class and being exposed to all of these new ideas. It seems that in practice, I am at a loss for practicing what I discovered. Maybe it is because my actual WORK is so streamlined. Ask these questions verbatim. Don’t use your favorite model, use the one I like.

Be quiet. Shut up.

Be like me.

Like you?

Bitch I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER wanna be like you. I would NEVER want to participate in a system like this. If you are the product of this profession then this is NOT where I belong.

But what of the experience? I have thoroughly enjoyed the learning process so far yet, I am beginning to feel like this is not where I am supposed to be.

Where to next?

What to look forward to?

To a career of reading assessments verbatim from a computer like a robot?

This is my first time in my entire graduate career that I do not look forward to my week.

I do not know what to make of all of this. I’ve come so far. I’m almost qualified to become a part of this system yet I have no desire to be like any of them or work alongside of them.

Although I know I have to still my mind to hear the voice of my next direction i am nervous because I have no clue where it will lead. For so many years I have endured change after change and those changes equaled loss and instability and hunger.

I’m tired of that.

but I guess the wheel must turn and in turn I must watch it.

No matter what may come, I can not stop it.

So I wait to see where this “crazy genius” will end up next cuz I feel that these spokes are drifting away and I will not hurt myself trying to hold them in place.

My friend B is so funny!

Last night I called him because I wanted to talk about Killing Buddha and he said, “Tee, I’m about to watch the HEAT!” I laughed.

When he called me back I was like, “Um, The Heat is of the world!”

He said, “I know. It’s one of the last things I need to let go of.”

B is so very special. This new spiritual journey reminds me of when he first started really being a Christian. I was the same way, overzealous, wanting to point everyone the “right” way and being judgmental all the time.

But through Buddhism B has found something to put his focus on. We agree on most ideals but he thinks there is a “TRUTH” to be found while i do not.

I don’t think there is a certain “TRUTH” because TRUTH is relative to the viewer. Sure there are socially constructed “Truths” but there are no ultimate truths. What one may view as heaven, another may think would be hellish.

But B is so excited about shit I discovered years ago, it’s fun to hear him whisper excitedly, claiming he wants to be a teacher.

“Tee, I’m coming to Miami tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“TO give away my 55 inch flat screen TV and my ps3.”

“Why?”

“To rid my self of attachments. I want to know what its like to be completely unattached to this world.”

“Well you can bring some worldly attachments over here. I don’t have anything!” I told him.

He laughed.

“B, it’s not fun. It’s not fun having nothing,” I tell him.

“Tee, what does Matthew 6:24 say?”

“You want me to look up the Bible?”

“Yes, Tee.”

I sigh, “Ok. It says you can not serve two masters.”

“Exactly! How can I serve God and the world?”

“Um. I don’t know.”

To me its not that serious. To B, he wants to spend all his time in meditation and communion with everything and nothing.

“Don’t you want to know the ultimate truth?” he asked.

“Not really. I just want to be able to feel safe, be creative and make money from it so I can take care of my sons again. That’s my idea of success.”

I figure that the state of Nirvana or the trance you reach when you are in meditation is probably a lot like what it feels like to be dead. I’m guaranteed to experience that when I die so why should I rush it now?

This world is a PLAYGROUND.

Everything in it is a reflection of what you believe the world should be.

“Tee, you live in a bubble!” Negative people who hate their lives always say this to me.

I usually shrug. “I’m a star in my own world and everything that happens pushes me toward my best me.”

It’s all stories. That’s all life is. We pick up the phone everyday to tell what happened. If there’s no DRAMA there’s no story.

So we create drama just to have something to look forward to.

I want the next part of my “story” to be…

Ms. Tee, in the midst of her final semesters as a graduate student suddenly awoke to a strange surprise which changed her life in the most dramatic way. Never before had she smiled the smile she smiled that day. Never before has she danced a happy dance the way she shook her ass that day.

That day, everything made sense. All the past, all the tears, all of the seeds she planted had finally produced a harvest and Ms. Tee with all of her infinite wisdom and talent, knew exactly what to do to make her harvest flourish.

BOOM! She gets a home of her own, a spectacular home just like the ones she and her boys fantasized about.

BOOM! She gets an opportunity to showcase her talents in a MAJOR way and the country is ASTOUNDED by this treasure! Immediately she is the buzz and the most sought after journalist and thought leader, the youngest around!

BOOM! She gets her teeth fixed and goes to the doctor!

BOOM! She can eat whatever she likes. All the lobster tails, all the hot wings, all the spaghetti with cheese and garlic bread and cold drinks and sandwhiches, unlimited food, unlimited desserts. No more ramen noodles!

BOOM! She gets a new car, a luxury car, with a sunroof like she always wanted.

BOOM! She gets a book deal, multiple books, all the words she ever wanted to write could be written and shared with the world.

BOOM! She flies out to Chicago to visit Kim and spends time with her family.

BOOM! She’s about to give her mother $250,ooo to spend as she pleases and hires the assistant for her mom that she promised.

BOOM! Kanye calls and he needs therapy. $10,000 a session and he passes her name around his inner circle. Soon Oprah calls too.

BOOM! She performs all over the country with her sons by her side. They are not embarrassed by Mama at this point, they are proud that she has a zany personality and they appear at every event they can with her.

BOOM! Her BBDD suddenly receives the love he deserves and it changes his broken heart so he interacts with the world differently.

BOOM! She is loved by someone who does not NEED anything but the blessing of her presence and is eager to make a smile appear on her face.

BOOM!

IT HAPPENS!

IN A FLASH!

IN A HEARTBEAT!

IN A MIRACULOUS WAY!

UNDER GRACE!

IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!

Whatever happens next will lead toward that dream.

I trust.

And I am grateful.