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Back to Church?

I don’t know man…

Now that my eyes are wide open…I can SEE what religion really is…and that’s not a bad thing because there are some HUGE benefits to belonging to a socially accepted group of people. And being a part of religion leads you to have family, a sense of belonging. A sense of territory of the mind as you judge yourself superior over others who WRONGLY disbelieve your point of view.
I miss congregating.  I miss gathering together in Jesus name and celebrating goodness. I miss praising the Lord. I miss alladat and at the same time I really do not miss the bureaucracy and spiritual abuse associated with that system.
Going on a spiritual adventure like I have I KNOW that each belief is a choice an none of the choices are right or wrong. I know you just have to choose a path that feels good to you. One that gives you hope for your existence.
Look..I may not be the best judge of anything…the best judge of character…others or my own…but I really do see the world through rose colored glasses. I see people for the best within them and never really consider that they would hurt me..unless its a man and then I KNOW they are gonna try to hurt me…but I really wanna work through that. I just can’t. I don’t know why I can’t let that go…
I wish I could just throw everything on Jesus like I used to. If anything went right, “Thank you Jesus!” If it went wrong, “God is punishing me.”
Nothing that happened had anything to do with ME back in the day. I was powerless and wandering aimlessly, hoping I’ll get a nudge in the right direction somehow and that’s IF I acted right and listened to the pastor and cried and prayed and read the Bible enough.
If I got ALL that right…then I could possibly deserve a blessing.
~sigh~
I always felt bad about myself. Like I could never be good enough for God.
I don’t believe in a concept like that anymore. I don’t believe in a universal force who intervenes in our lives like that according to our behaviour. I think I’m shifting toward a belief that has an authority figure like a father that can rescue us but also lives within us, so essentially we’re rescuing ourselves by believing in our inner power which is also God’s power. Basically, God within each of us- kind of thing.
You get it?
That sounds good to me….
Maybe I just miss gospel music. It won’t hurt to listen and praise God now and then…
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In A Special Way

Sometimes I feel so…so alone.

Like an alien. For real. I know I have my sons who I see once a week and I have my friends who I keep in touch with online…and I have DEEP that I interact with everyday but for some reason I still feel alone.
And it used to be that comfortable alone feeling…but now it’s that alone feeling that has the yearning for something more.
What do I want? I don’t know. I meet men all the time. Sometimes I hang out with them just to see if something cool will happen…but most times not.
I feel like they are all out to hurt me. 
“Don’t you just like me more when I’m not talking to any dudes?” I asked Tamara. “I mean, no drama, no confusion, I’m wrapped up more in YOUR story.”
“Yeah, I feel you Tee but it’s still…kinda sad in a way not to have ANYTHING going on.”
“Well,” I said. “I’d honestly rather not have anything going on than to be filled with fear and nervousness. I hate this feeling I have. It feels like something is missing. I know there’s nothing missing with the way I show love. I think it’s all in who I choose to show it too.”
I then went on to describe a conversation I had with DEEP recently. He told me that sometimes I am a bad judge of character. I took it all kind of ways. True, I see the best in everyone and believe they are honest and good people…but mostly they’re slimy. I never think that…unless its a man who is interested in me romantically or physically.
God…help me out on this one. What’s this I’m feeling? Why does it hurt so much? Why am I so afraid? Are you trying to tell me to walk away when I feel like this or are is it me scaring myself out of a more brilliant future?
Tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been praying this prayer for years. Man…maybe I am slipping back into that old mentality where my life was completely out of my control.
It was easier back then…
I need a hug. A real one. I need to know it’s okay. I’m okay. I need an embrace. I need a hug.
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Must Be Trippin

Man…I had a wild ass week. Well, not too wild but I have been trying my BEST not to be annoyed by school and still keep my head up about my show.

See…I never knew how much WORK goes into pulling a show together. I have no money so I have to convince people to volunteer to work on my show. I still need to find a DJ and a cameraman. I’m glad DEEP said he’s help out with my show- he has ALL the connects and everyone I know loves him.
Last week we went to the Seaquarium and I was so delighted to see him swim with the Dolphins. Dolphins are his # 1 spirit guides, or so he says. He tickles me to pie
ces. Afterwards we took a nap at my house and then went to the club to see him host his Open Mic. I had ONE drink and he started trippin on me. Like..really, he left with someone else even though he came with ME. He said I was wildin out and he don’t play that.
I was so hot. I told his ass dont even bother talking to me again…but by 3am we were on the phone again and didn’t get off until the sun came up..again. 
“Alright boy…I’m gonna go fantasize my ass to sleep,” I whispered and yawned. 
“Ok,” he said.
“Thanks Deep,” I thanked him…just because he is who he is.
“Love you,” he whispered and I hung up.
What did he just say?
Nah…I must be trippin….
Nah…He ain’t say that. I must be dreaming already.
Nah…
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my beautiful night

Oooh. Excuse me for what’s about to come rambling out of my mind…

It’s rainy outside, the breeze through my window is so nice. There’s thunder & lightening and I’m sitting here in my favorite night dress. 
I’m la, la, la…and I’m smiling too.
So today I turned in my first paper for summer school. I’m bored out of my mind in class. Help me…I never thought this day would come. Anyway..I go and try to keep my head up. I feel so much more advanced, I feel like they’re toying with me. I want to learn MORE.
Not just facts and figures and administrative crap…I want to learn how to help shift minds and help set people free. 
Oh, guess who’s in town? My Trini boy from earlier this year. I went to see him and we vibed. He’s still so cool. Cool ass dude, for real. 
And I went to this artist development camp where artists could come and pass their music out to DJ’s and the press could meet the artists. It was at a park and it was sooo cool. I felt like I was at a family reunion. I was meeting everyone and listening to underground music. I felt great bouncing around taking pictures and of course, promoting for DEEP. I’m his little cheerleader. LOL! It’s fun though and at least I do like his music, so I’m not being insincere.
But yeah…I finished my Paayy-Puh! I was so glad to get that shit done. Geesh! I stopped by my boy house on the way home just to pick one up for tonite. So yeah…I’m on the phone with DEEP while I write this. The perfect end to my night for real…lots of laughter, a lot of teasing and so much fun.
These Oreos taste so good! Damn…..
I am soooo happy right now! 
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Playing With My Lights


I had such a great night last night.

Ok, I’m gonna TRY to explain some of the stuff I’m into but it seems so fruity to me when I try to talk to people about it.
Ok, since I now believe that everything is made up of energy, I’ve been doing some studying on working with my energy. I want to be able to conciously manipulate the energy around me, maintaining balance in my emotions and learn to heal myself and others. Doesn’t that sound FANTASTIC?!!! I can’t WAIT!
In the meantime, I’ve been vibing with DEEP and reading and just imagining what it would be like to be able to walk in the powers that we were ALL created with. I haven’t been stressing myself about the little reiki that I have been practicing. It doesn’t seem to work for me since I still have to go to the doctor soon but at the same time..man…I’m noticing that it’s becoming easier for me to harness my energy and direct it outside of my body.
When I pray now, I don’t pray some “Lord help me I’m so powerless and pitiful-please save me” type of prayer. My prayers are time for focused energy that I harness physically and send out toward the things I want to see happen. I will admit, I’ve been sending out energy to keep myself SINGLE because I desperately want to prove myself RIGHT that no man will ever love me. When you send out energy about ANYTHING it will come to you..be careful.
But at first I had to stand and really concentrate in order to feel the energy gathering its power inside my body. It starts at my feet and then I pull it up slowly, gathering intensity until it reaches my head. Then I come back down again to my stomache and then concentrate…concentrate..then I think of what I want, feeling the joy of it NOW and then with a smile, I release the energy out into the Universe. It’s so much fun!
Then I realized that it didn’t take me as long as I practiced and soon I could just summon up the energy quickly and then project it out.
But last nite…for the first time…I actually played with my lights. Ok, my lights are the colors that surround my aura or my inner being. I can imagine them whatever color that I want and last nite, it only took a few seconds before I had actually harnessed all of that energy inside me and I felt like I was lost in another realm.
I saw myself as a skeleton of glowing blue lights. It was pitch black all around me. I saw the cloud of energy surrounding me and I stood there and allowed the cloud to move up and down my body. I changed the colors from pink, to yellow to blue and experienced the warmth and positive energy coming from the cloud. It was SO MUCH FUN!
I don’t know if it DID anything to me but it let me know that I am getting better at harnessing and directing my energy. I’m gonna do some right now..
As you read this…receive this ball of divine love energy that I’m sending your way. Just open up and receive it…Receive it.
Receive it.
Yeah….
Today is gonna be a beautiful day!
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Trying To Be Better


It’s crazy. My show went alright yesterday. I still don’t have a permanent DJ or cameraman and DEEP isn’t really helping like he said he would. Honestly, I’m not that good of a host. I stumble over my words and I don’t ask great questions, in my opinion.

I want to be better but I guess that will take practice. In the meantime, I’m meeting other hosts and watching them do their thing and wishing I could be better at what I do.
I’ve been realizing something interesting lately…I think I’m jealous of certain aspects of my friends lives. But oh well…I’m not a hater so…it doesn’t matter.
I got a tarot reading yesterday and the cards said a lot of things but what stood out for me was that I would be getting a lot of shine from one of my projects and love was not in my immediate future…but a new lover would be. hmmm…I don’t know. I don’t want a new lover and no love.
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Thinking…

I need to grow up. I’m too emotional. Too impulsive. Too flighty. Too needy. To blunt. But the funny thing is…those are the qualities I like most about myself. As the world keeps turning so will I. I’m just trying to give in this world the best way I can. Tonight my boys and I enjoyed a nice dinner at Chili’s and we went to see Star Trek. It was my first time EVER seeing a Star Trek movie or being exposed to what this whole movement was about. I didn’t like it. Plus…a man told my son to shut up and I cursed his ass out in the middle of the movie. My son got scared and asked if we could leave and I told him, “No. We’re in an Imax movie, do you know how much I paid for this? Watch the movie.” And we watched it. And I was bored the whole time. But we left and they got into a fight in the car because they traded Bakugans and now one wanted his old one back. They REALLY hit each other. Each time I am so shocked. My younger son is the more brazen one. He’ll break the rules just because he thinks he can. Since he’s the youngest he still tries to use that crying shit on me. I am so over that. He really tries to throw tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. As big as he is. Hmph. I just roll my eyes and walk away from him. That crying shit gets you an automatic NO. His brother will ask him, “Would you be doing this at Daddy’s house?” Mmm…hmmm. My 8 year old is a follow the rules type of guy. He’s extremely logical yet he’s still creative.  He corrects MY grammar. My Mama said I used to do the same thing to her. ~smile~ He’s extremely sensitive to negativity…just like me. There are MANY conversations that his brother wants to have that he will not even THINK of listening to. He’ll cut it short, “I don’t wanna talk about this. That’s enough.” I do the same shit. When I noticed it I mentioned that I say the same things to my friends and he was surprised. All in all, I’m really grateful for life. I have wonderful jits, down ass friends and so many opportunities before me. I am blessed.    

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Kidnapped?

He says I kidnapped him. But I don’t think so…

“I’ve spent the whole weekend with you,” he told me this afternoon as we sat in Denny’s eating seasoned fries and drinking the Lemon Tea Chiller *yum*.
My eyeballs slid up and to the right as I tried to recall. Dang. He’s right. We’ve had so much fun together. I worked an extra night this week because of Memorial Weekend and I made the most money EVER. It was jam packed all night Friday and people were dropping $10 tips on me left and right. I made $48 in my first hour and a half!
He came by the restaurant when he left South Beach around 6am and he waited for me until I got off just so we could talk on the phone while we both drove home. After we both slept, he called me and we stayed on the phone all day. Then we went to a party at one of his friend’s houses and I was late getting to work on Saturday night so I just changed into my uniform in the car and he dropped me off and picked me up in the morning at 7am.  
He walked in looking all crazy. Like…why does he look like that in the morning? He looks like he’s on crack. And he’s LOUD & GHETTO as hell! I made him a drink and we ate some pancakes and he read a book while I finished rolling my silverwear. 
As soon as I stepped outside of Denny’s my entire body started aching. By the time I got to the car I was crying, just feeling emotional about everything and he was like, “Man CHILLAX!”
He made me laugh all the way back to my house and an hour later we were BOTH knocked out. Him on the floor, me on the futon.
We woke up around 2pm and got dressed to go eat. Since he’s a Vegan it’s hard for him to find food but we drove to the mall and went to Pasha’s. Afterwards we wen
t to the movies to see Angels & Demons. Turns out he had already read the book. It was an alright movie but I wouldn’t want to watch it again.
Then we went back to my house and rested before I had to go back to work again. He stayed at my house while I went back to work and when I got off we half watched a movie and went to sleep for the night.

He is a mixed race dude. He’s weird but my friends all say that’s why I like him. Sometimes I think to myself, “He’s like a history teacher.” He knows so much about the evolution of mankind. He’s always reading. He’s always in the NEW AGE section and ALTERNATIVE HEALING section of the book store.
When we’re just hanging around chillin, I’ll look at him and think to myself, “Why the hell is he over here?” We mostly bicker like sister and brother and I feel like we are. He’s a mirror of myself, except he’s not.
Now we’re at his friend’s house recording one of his songs. I’m sitting on the patio overlooking downtown and reminiscing about my childhood friends. I’ve reconnected with so many of them through facebook and it’s like WHOA! Everyone has kids, is about to have a kid and is doing well. The magic of facebook!
I kinda like…love my life right now. I’ve been wanting to make a FRIEND who I can chill with and laugh with and…I got just what I asked for.
I love the Universe!
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Just Tired

I ran into an old guyfriend on facebook and we met up and smoked one. I can tell that he wants love so badly. He’s supercute and really nice but…I think he’s an undercover “nice guy” and the women he deals with are too much for him. That’s just my analysis. I hope I don’t have to date him to show him that he will be loved although it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. He’s cute.

But tonite I also did a dumb thing. I knocked on my roommates door at 2 in the morning to fuss about the washing machine because I felt paranoid that they were trying to be disrespectful to me. They calmly explained that the machine was broken and everyone’s clothes were being ruined. 
I thought that there was a personal vendetta against ME! I quickly apologized so now I’m feeling so guilty. So guilty.
Do you see how that outlook on the world creates a string of negative interactions?
In trying to stand up for myself, I caused a fuss that was unnecessary. Now the real reason that I don’t know the machine is broken is because I never TALK to my roommates. I am not a part of their lives at all. I don’t know when they’re sick or when they’re happy. I never know anything because I do not talk to them. I do not talk to them because I do not want to share my life like that or have to answer questions about shit.
I am so closed off from everyone in the world. Yeah im on facebook but those fake attempt at being witty status messages are only a well painted glimpse into my life. I’m so wound up in life right now. It’s not just that my period is on. It’s school. It’s my sons being so happy and well adjusted. It’s me feeling like I have nothing to show for my life. It’s my lack of affection and attention from a man. It’s feeling so tired of trying to safeguard myself from being hurt because I have no ride or die partner or no protector so I gotta be by myself.
~sigh~
I need to get some rest and go forgive myself. 
I’m tired.